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Threads 1026 to 1050

new girl
Posted by megz on Sun Jul 14 20:06:15 2002 (#4911)

Hi to every one who comes to this message board!!
I used to come to this site alot but my older
moved back in with us and he was using my
comuter for ages.
In fact i think the last time i was on here was
around January.
My name is Megz and i've been a self harmer for
a few yrs now.
My family and my partner knows,but only a few of
my closest friends know.
I'm 15, 16 in November.
This time last year, i ended up going to hospital
to have stery strips, i self harmed quite badly
after my (now) ex boyfriend finished me over the
fone.(That was the worst i've ever done it.)
Well that's enough from me.
PLease reply.
bye,bye
xxx

Re: new girl
Posted by Erryn on Sun Jul 14 20:15:49 2002 (#4912)

hey welcome back my naames erryn im 26 and have been harming myself for 11 yrs, if you need anything just write. take care xxxErryn

Re: new girl
Posted by jennyfer on Sun Jul 14 21:44:06 2002 (#4914)

hay there welcome back!! to tell you the truth i haven't been around for a while now either but hay i guess that's just the way the story goes...um...yeah i've been a "cutter" for a while now like almost 5 five years i'm 15 too and like i dunno just recently i told my mom about all the things my dad did to me and what not...i mean some people know about my cutting but they all think i stopped and i mean yeah i have but it's killing me inside they just don't know how hard it is but i'm trying not to give in to temptation u know?? right now everything is crashing down around me and i feel as if the only thing i can do is sit back an watch it happen i mean but hay shit happens...well again welcome back

Re: new girl
Posted by megz on Sun Jul 14 23:08:17 2002 (#4915)

HELLO.FANX FOR THE WELCOME.I know exactly what you mean by the word "temptation".
I've got a habit of saying i will stop self harming but then change my mind.My girlfriend finds this really difficult to dal with which makes me really stressed out and makes me want to self harm even more because i dont understand the core reason for my self harming.I was reading a book called healing the hurt within.It was a book about self harm, but i didn't finish reading it.Most of the true stories in there were about people who have been sexually abused and self harm.But i havent been sexually abused so if any thing it provoked me to self harm even more Because i was angry-in a way its easy for someone who has been sexually abused and self harm because they know their reason and can get help for it, but i don't think i have a reason.I hate it when it feels like everything is crashing down at once, just when things look like they are getting better everything goes wrong.But life is a circle as soon as bad things happen, they WILL get better again.Most people who know i've self harmed, think i've stopped as well, its much easier not to get the hassle and questions.But its really difficult in summer coz i hate sweating with long sleeved tops on.Even though this England weather is hardly Summer, all we've ahd is rain.Well done for having the strength that you have to resist it.The only time i ever resist is wen i know other people are around.
Wellllllllllllllllllllll any way, i'm gunna stop waffling now.c u.
luv megz
ps-i hope you stay strong.

MEGZ...
Posted by jennyfer on Mon Jul 15 17:30:08 2002 (#4936)

hay...ur welcome for the uh...welcome...yes well i cut yesterday that was like almost 2 months thrown away...but hay shit happens...yeah actually to tell you the truth i don't know why i cut...i was uh...raped by my dad when i was younger and then it happened again like about a month ago...and yeah well i ended up telline my mom about it cuz like everyone said it would be the right thing to do and this this and that so i did...i guess the initial reaction was shock of course and then it went from there...i dunno my girlfriend always asks me stuff like if i have or ever would try to kill myself and stuff like that and i'm like "uh...no??" and i don't think i could ever tell her that i cut...i mean how would she react u know?? i mean it's not like telling someone ur gay...it's...i dunno maybe one day i'll grow enough balls to tell her...but for now i don't wanna jepordize anything i love her too much to tell her this at the moment u know?? and i don't think i could ever tell her about what happend with my dad i dunno i'm just afraid of what she'll think of me u know?? i dunno like my best friend know about my dad and they know i cut but the thing is is that they all think i stopped and well up until last night i guess i did but hay i dunno u think i should tell them that i cut or should i keep it a secret?? well take care cuz i care

jennyfer

JENNYFER........
Posted by megz on Mon Jul 15 20:23:23 2002 (#4940)

Of course it wasn't almost 2 months thrown away.
Just think how well you've done.Keep that in mind.
So what did your mum say to you about what your dad's done.
At least if you told your mate/girlfriend(not sure which one you mean) she might be there to talk to you when you need someone.I know its quite scary telling people about self harm.At first i really didn't wanna tell my mum, but now she's there for me when i need her.Does your mate/girlfriend know much about self harm.Coz if she don't and you want to tell her, it might be an idea to get some information sorted for her or be prepared for questions.If you did tell her about your dad and she reacted in a bad way towards you then she aint worth it, but i'm sure she'd try to give you as much support as she can.You are so brave, i hope you know that.I know how easy it is to keep self harm a secret, but then i know how good it feels when i've got someone to talk to 24 hours a day.I think you should decide what you wanna do about whether to tell people or not.But i definately think your life would be a little better knowing you've got people to talk to when you need them.
Wellllll ne way.keep the faith
love megz

Re: new girl
Posted by KAT on Mon Jul 15 00:16:36 2002 (#4916)

hi there, welcome!!!

feel free to talk whenever!
take care
glad u got your computer back.

kat

Re: new girl
Posted by scaredinthedark on Mon Jul 15 02:25:30 2002 (#4921)

hey megz! welcome. this is a great site for you and the people on here. feel free to talk to any of us whenever you want. we are almost always here. i'm 15, almost 16 like you but i'll be 16 at the end of august. the 23rd to be exact. i've been a cutter for a little over a year. well take care and talk away. <3 always, scaredinthedark

Re: new girl
Posted by ~Lone WOlf~ on Mon Jul 15 03:25:12 2002 (#4924)

hi, welcome back.

Re: new girl
Posted by Eleanor on Mon Jul 15 13:35:03 2002 (#4933)

hey, welcome back!
YEAY! Another Englander! hehe!
I'm Eleanor (obviously :), i'm 17 and have been cutting for about 2 years or so I think. Speak to ya later,
love el x

Re: new girl
Posted by *me* on Tue Jul 16 20:11:23 2002 (#4978)

Hey Megz...I remember you from way back! Welcome back to the board.

Memories of Sexual abuse are not always present
Posted by Dawn on Mon Jul 15 00:39:08 2002 (#4917)

When I was younger I did not know I was sexually abused. I was an habitual run away and got myself in scrapes and got myself out of them as well. Then I married a guy and was married to him 15 years+. Our married definetly was abusive. So when I started getting help it was in behalf of our marriage.

Two divorces later (same man) I went bananas and almost murdered my children because they were out of control (and SO WAS I). I knew then I had to get out for good. It was hard. He had beaten me, raped me, sodomized me, almost ran me over, and drug me around the driveway at our home in the mountians of southern Oregon, USA. And yet I loved him. He had been my life.

The further I got from him I became freeer and my mind started releasing secrets I didn't know of. Well I did, but at the same time I guess I had just filed them away subconsicously as unimportant. After I started counseling my therapist thought it would be good that I join a group of women who had been molested as children. At first I could not see how I could do that because I wasn't sexualy abused as a child. I had been raped once as a teenage when I ran away and the next night was accosted by a man mastebating as I was on my way to a nearby police station to give myself up as a runaway. But that was hardly sexual abuse.

A month into the group my mind began releasing bits and pieces of memories and to cope with them I began to write whatever the memory was down on separate pieces of paper. Piece by piece bit by bit like a jigsaw puzzle my life began to materialize completely different from what I had recalled it to have. My earlist memory is of my as in infant in diapers on a table with my diaper being changed and someone's hands fondling my body and probing my privates. The memory was valadated by my sister, although, she did not know what she was colabarating.

By the time I was finished with compiling my lifestory over 150 people had set me up to be raped or molested or carried out the raping or molesting of my body. And many did it numerous times without knowing what was happening to me right under their very eyes. Sadly to say my sisters and my aunt were some of those who set the stage for many rapes. My very best friend not only set me up as well but molested me in her backyard as well.

Had you asked me as a teenager if I had been sexually abuse I would have told you NO! Now I know better how much the psyche protects itself from such knowledge. If I knew then what was happening to me I probably would have died. As it was the memories coming back was enought to make me hate my body. Not hate my rapists and molesters, except my ex-husband and his brother, and my semi-addopted brother. Those people were my FAMILY and what they did hurts more than all the others because they were suppost to protect me and by loving toward me not sneak into my bed in the night and when I woke pretended they got the wrong room on the way from the bathroom, or told me this was what all married women do, orit was Biblical for brothers to take care of a brother'sife if one brother can't. (This is what my brother-in-law said when he unlocked the bathroom door just as I was stepping out of the tub when my now ex-husband was in te hospital a half mile away after having his legs amputated. I didn't buy it then and I don't buy it now.) But I couldn't stop any of it from happening.

I didn't become a cutter because of my past. I became a cutter because of my emotions and they way I feel about my body.

Re: Memories of Sexual abuse are not always presen
Posted by KAT on Mon Jul 15 02:55:26 2002 (#4923)

Dawn, I e-mailed you on this subject, kind of.
sorry about the spelling errors, I was kind of just typing without looking, hah.
anyway...Its nice that you feel free to share this with us and honestly it gives me so much to think about, at the same time...look forward to..possibly.
take care

KAT

NUMBERS DON'T MEAN SHIT
Posted by Dawn on Mon Jul 15 04:41:35 2002 (#4928)

Pardon the language. But it doesn't. I met a woman in my group who was in pain just like I was (WAS?) n e way... she had not been touched. She and a friend were sitting on her couch when a relative or neighbor came in and exposed himself to them. My inside still wants to add "and that is all" but when I remember how messed up she was when we met I won't allow myself to compare her pain with mine. PAIN IS PAIN!!!!! it doesn't make any diference how it got there. That fact that it is there is what matters. She taught me that.

I write the numbers because it was a project I did that helped me a lot. It was a time line that grew into a journal of offenders. Just started with one bit of memory linked together with a place that corresponded with an age. I don't know if that was the right word but it doesn't matter. What matters is the pain. I wanted to know where it came from and found a lot of stuff I didn't want to know happened, but refused to be ignored.
The whole point is that I answered "how could I not remember?" I did not remember because it was too much to cope with so my mind tried to protect me but by not letting me remember it actually help me to be victimized time and time again until I finally said, "NO MORE!!!"

I don't mean anyone more pain. If I offended anyone please know it was not intentional. I was just a baby taught not to go to mama crying or she would beat me til I learned my lesson. Only I learned my lesson quickly so when someone would touch me or exposed himself to me I just took a deep breath, straightened my clothes and went about my life like nothing had happened because I knew Mama would call me a liar or beat me for being bad. So what did I do. I forgot it and went on time after time and because I forgot it as soon as it happened I kept being friendly with people and they took advantage of my friendliness and molested or raped me. Now I'm more reserved, still talkitive but I don't get in cars with strangers. And I tell on people. It hampers my style but it keeps me safe. And safe is very important to me.

Re: Memories of Sexual abuse are not always presen
Posted by Vapor on Mon Jul 15 08:25:37 2002 (#4930)

a question to ponder? i am adament to others "NO" but to myself i have doubts. i get stuck in situations, but abused? raped? are those words that can be applied to me? not really i guess... what you wrote makes me think of one "relationship" im in right now... this is this guy. i love him more than anything in the whole world and i would basically do anything and everything for a moment of complete happiness with him, yet when we are together (once or twice a week) we always have sex. the thing is i dont want to, i REALLY DONT. and every time i go to see him i think i dont want it to be sexual, but my mouth never says the words, i never stop it. i've told him in the past about my doubts and worries but still... every time. yet, one time i was feeling absolutely suicidal and i called him because he is THE ONLY person in real life that i can talk to and he came and he held me the whole night and he kissed me once and i said, no, if you care about me at all you wont touch me tonight, you'll just stay and hold me and keep me safe. and he did, the whole night, the whole next day.... so this is my fault, because im willing to do anythnig to be with him it doesnt matter if i let him use my body in a way so many others have... ??? i know when i have been raped... i know when. but then there are the millions of questionable situations... is my lack of protest the fault or am i truly too far gone to protest? i hate this topic... my first memory of rape is at six. i remember the teacher, the trusted. he would hold me and gosh, it felt so good to be held. i loved it. how wrong is that? but then it was more. the he was holding me down. then his thing was standing straight up and then it was in my mouth, and in me. and fuck. i dont think i moved for a week after that. i went home and said i was sick. i was. fucking bad memory. fucking shit. fuck. i can feel the hands holding my small arms down. not moving. completely powerless... fuck. why? i forgot what i was talking about. i think ive been sitting here blanked out for awhile...
Later, Vapor

hi everyone
Posted by scaredinthedark on Mon Jul 15 03:36:32 2002 (#4925)

i just wanted to say hi to everyone and see how yall are doin. i'm a little bored and thought i'd write sumthin to all of you. i hope everyone is doin ok and takin care of themselves. well i'll stop now before i get goin with rants and complaints about my life. <3 always, scaredinthedark

Re: hi everyone
Posted by Eleanor on Mon Jul 15 13:37:06 2002 (#4934)

hey girly!
just thought i'd say hi back. :-) If you want to rant a moan about your life then my eamil inbox is always open, lol!
No, seriously though i'd love to hear from you!
Speak to you soon!
Love always, el xxxx

Re: hi everyone
Posted by Rhonda on Tue Jul 16 01:57:25 2002 (#4955)

Hey honey,
How's it going? Hope things are fairly decent
right now. Remember, I'm always here if you need
to talk. Take care sweetie.
Love ya, Rhonda

Re: hi everyone
Posted by Erryn on Tue Jul 16 02:58:42 2002 (#4963)

hey girl everythings okay getting ready to take the kids for a bike ride take care xxxErryn

Re: hi everyone
Posted by she on Sat Jul 20 09:06:40 2002 (#5105)

Hiya :):):)
How are you ??
HEllllllllooooo to you to yep you can allways e mail me i havent heared from you for a while so ill e mail you soon
Luv you very muchly
She

"i'm with you"
Posted by ~Lone WOlf~ on Mon Jul 15 04:07:53 2002 (#4926)

I'm standing on the bridge
i'm waiting in the dark
i though that you'd be here by now
there's nothing but the rain
no footsteps on the ground
i'm listening but there's no sound

Isn't anyone trying to find me
Won't somebody come take me home

It's a damn cold night,
Trying to figure out this life,
Won't you take me by the hand,
Take me somewhere new,
I don't know who you ar but I,
i'm with you

I'm looking for a place,
I'm searching for a face,
is anybody here I know
cause nothings going right,
and everythings a mess,
and knowone likes to be alone

Isn't anyone trying to find me,
won't somebody come take me home

It's a damn cold night,
Trying to figure out this life,
Won't you take me by the hand,
Take me somewhere new,
I don't know who you ar but I,
i'm with you
I'm with you

Why is everything so confusing
Maybie I'm just out of my mind
yeah yeah....
(CHORUS)

Re: "i'm with you"
Posted by Dawn on Mon Jul 15 04:13:49 2002 (#4927)

What a great poem. You have a gift. keep writing til you are found and taken home to a place where peace resides
:) ..Dawn

Re: "i'm with you"
Posted by Eleanor on Mon Jul 15 13:38:53 2002 (#4935)

hey.
thats pretty cool. did you write it as a song? i bet it sounds great to music.
take care of yourself hun,
El x

Re: "i'm with you"
Posted by KAT on Mon Jul 15 20:36:52 2002 (#4941)

that was cool

Re: "i'm with you"
Posted by Rhonda on Tue Jul 16 01:59:15 2002 (#4956)

That was great!!!!!!! I'm gonna print it out and
show it to Tara. She'll like it, I know. Keep
writing, you are gifted in that area. Take care of
yourself.
Love ya, Rhonda

Re: "i'm with you"
Posted by Erryn on Tue Jul 16 02:57:25 2002 (#4962)

i like it, keep posting take care xxxErryn

{{{VAPOR}}}are you ok?
Posted by Dawn on Mon Jul 15 19:02:24 2002 (#4938)

Vapor I am sorry if you are still trapped in those hand that held you down and choked you. It was rape and ANYTIME YOU DON'T WANT IT it is still rape. Even this guy you love is raping you when you don't want to be sexual. IT IS RAPE!

The first time taught you your desires are not important his is. And since that night when your fella wanted to have sex and you said no and he complied he he gave you hope that one of the times he may honor your desire even though now he is raping you you are thinking maybe I can get him to stop. BUT YOU CAN'T. he set you up and then he started raping you. What you get out of it is not an issue. That very first time you said no HE RAPED YOU. You just learned to hope this time wll be different but he is still controling your body and you. You just learned you don't have any power and even though you still go to him you are doing it because of that hope. But hope does not equal desire for him sexually.

Rape is not about sex. IT IS ABOUT POWER!!!!
email me and we will talk. Do you have MSN Messenger? We can chat back and forth if you do.

Hang tough. and remember I've been through it and can help you. love and HUGS... Dawn

Re: {{{VAPOR}}}are you ok?
Posted by ~Lone WOlf~ on Tue Jul 16 00:31:27 2002 (#4946)

Vapor...baby listen to her. Shei sright. You told me something, i won't say it out loud. But you can't let him get to you like this. This is why you hate you sex so much. Please talk to me..i'll try and e-mail you if i get a chance.
~lone~

Re: {{{VAPOR}}}are you ok?
Posted by Vapor on Wed Jul 17 02:47:17 2002 (#4993)

i'm fine. i dont think it truly is rape. any time i say the words. i say no i dont want to he listens. he is my friend. its not that hes raping me its that im allowing him to. its just another form of self-harm, self-destructivness.
LAter, Vapor

quick question 4 everyone
Posted by megz on Mon Jul 15 19:30:00 2002 (#4939)

Has everyone who comes to this site been sexually abused?

Re: quick question 4 everyone
Posted by KAT on Mon Jul 15 20:40:14 2002 (#4942)

I dont think that everyone has been, but I cant answer for them...Ive got issues with sexual assault.
Its not rape though, but along the same lines.
It's just recently been coming out, well in the last 6 months, so I cant really talk about it.

KAT

Re: quick question 4 everyone
Posted by Eleanor on Mon Jul 15 21:42:12 2002 (#4943)

No, I haven't. There are other reasons for my si. But a lot of people who come here have. I know that two of the people who i'm especially close to on the site have.

Re: quick question 4 everyone
Posted by ~Lone WOlf~ on Tue Jul 16 00:34:02 2002 (#4947)

Well i'm not shure...i would normaly say no, but my mom tells me that when i was littler a boy that i knew tried to do something. I came running into the house screaming like i had just seen a ghost or something adn with my pants down. So i don't know.....
~lone~

Re: quick question 4 everyone
Posted by Erryn on Tue Jul 16 02:55:00 2002 (#4961)

i have not either take care xxxErryn

Re: quick question 4 everyone
Posted by Dawn on Tue Jul 16 01:11:00 2002 (#4952)

I have ...

i was expecting a whole essay Dawn! *NM*
Posted by Vapor on Wed Jul 17 02:49:07 2002 (#4994)

Re: quick question 4 everyone
Posted by *Poison on Tue Jul 16 02:53:03 2002 (#4959)

With me as far as i can tell you right now, to my knowledge i have not been sexually abused. but recently i have had dreams, and feelings around a certain person, that could possibly mean that i have. i don't know. i jsut hope it's not true, but then again i kinda hope it is true because that will answer a lot of questions for me.

Amanda

Re: quick question 4 everyone
Posted by Jamie on Tue Jul 16 07:09:01 2002 (#4967)

i can't remember far back enough to tell you...i have been sexually harrassed MANY A TIMES though

Re: quick question 4 everyone
Posted by Broken Girl on Tue Jul 16 13:34:52 2002 (#4971)

Hi
I havnt.
watched domestic violence.
Been physically abused at school.
Verbal abuse everywhere I go.
Ella

Re: quick question 4 everyone
Posted by scaredinthedark on Tue Jul 16 16:48:20 2002 (#4973)

my answer is like jamie's. i can't remember that far back i think the last thing i remember is from when i started high school and i'm only gonna be in 11th grade. so 9th grade is as far back. i got sexually harrassed by someone once and i get made fun of and taunted everyday of my life because of the hobbies i have. but honestly idk if i have or haven't been. take care hunny. <3 always,
scaredinthedark

Re: quick question 4 everyone
Posted by *me* on Tue Jul 16 20:15:27 2002 (#4979)

No, I haven't.

Re: quick question 4 everyone
Posted by diana on Wed Jul 17 07:00:01 2002 (#4997)

yes, i have been sexually abused as well

Re: quick question 4 everyone
Posted by Sam on Thu Jul 18 21:33:12 2002 (#5063)

I wouldn't say that, but I did have a few get-the-hell-off-of-me experiences with one of my cousins when I was 10 or 11.

Sam

trust
Posted by Eleanor on Mon Jul 15 21:45:12 2002 (#4944)

I find it so hard to trust anybody. I don't trust anyone i know and i don't give new people i meet any chance. It's the people i trusted who end up fucking me up in the end. They take everything i've got then throw me away like shit. I don't want to be like this for the rest of my life but I don't know how to change. I can't stand being hurt any more.

Re: trust
Posted by Dawn on Tue Jul 16 01:06:31 2002 (#4950)

Trust is earned. Author and speaker, Mayo Angelo, has stated many times she only gives people 1 chance to prove that they can be trusted. She say that some people are like chicken always picking people apart and that she will not allow it even once. The first time a person nit piks her clothing or anything about her they are out of her life. That is a little harsh she says but if you let them get away with it once it is too many times.

I remember that because it is true. And personally I don't like people critizing me for my weight, hair, clothes, how I speak. It is like they pic pic pic until they have me feeling like I should just kill myself. Or at least cut my body up.

As far as I see it if they begin picking at me then they are trying to make themselves look better. It happens a lot. Better to lose a friend you can trust than to injure myself. If you can't trust someone's verbally you damn sure cannot trust them to treat your body with respect. It is easier to give people a clean slate starting off and let them know NO SECOND CHANCES. And see how they do, than to get involved with them sexually and then let them destroy your trust.
Easier said than done. As I was typing this I saw myself being criticical of people who catch my eye. Yet I would not tolerate anyone being that way with me. Thank you for yor post:)..Dawn

Re: trust
Posted by Erryn on Tue Jul 16 02:53:52 2002 (#4960)

its good not to trust anyone, but you have to give it a chance just be cautious and now you can trust me if you need anything just ask you can trust me okay xxxErryn

Re: trust
Posted by KAT on Tue Jul 16 04:17:14 2002 (#4964)

yep, Eleanor, I feel the same way.
The people I end up trusting end up fucking me over so bad, I just cant do it anymore.
It makes me cold and bitter,and I dont really care much anymore.
take care
KAT

Re: trust
Posted by Broken Girl on Tue Jul 16 13:32:32 2002 (#4970)

Hi

'My life is full of empty promises and broken dreams' Eminem
I used to listen to that line again and again and again.
Its like he's talking about me.
Mum says she'll fone the doctors.
How stupid of me to think she meant it.
Sorry Eleanor, I wish I had something more positive to say.
Ella x

Re: trust
Posted by she on Sat Jul 20 09:12:59 2002 (#5106)

I think that if you trust someone then they have a huge power over you then to really hurt you .
But i think that there trustworthey people like you .
c u
She

Erryn
Posted by Eleanor on Mon Jul 15 21:46:46 2002 (#4945)

hey girl,
I've just started noticing your name around again. How are you? how are things with your son? It's good to see you back hun. Let me know how you're doing yeah?
Love and hugs,
El x

Re: Erryn
Posted by Erryn on Tue Jul 16 02:50:48 2002 (#4958)

hey girl, im doing okay, my sons doing good hes sick right now but is going to be okay, im glad to be back, and ready to talk if you need anything, okay take carexxxErryn

Re: Erryn
Posted by Eleanor on Tue Jul 16 17:07:01 2002 (#4976)

I'm so glad he's doing ok!!!! Give him a huge hug from me and have one for yourself!
Thank you hun, the same goes for you too. I'm here if you need anything.
Love and hugs,
El x

*sighs*
Posted by ~Lone WOlf~ on Tue Jul 16 00:48:36 2002 (#4949)

I hate life...everyone i trust i end up hurting, or they end up hurting me. I'm sick of people. I wish i could live without them, or just with one.
Who gives a shit anyway..

Re: *sighs*
Posted by Dawn on Tue Jul 16 01:09:20 2002 (#4951)

Sorry you are having a hard day. I care about your well being even though I don't know you.:)Dawn

Re: *sighs*
Posted by Rhonda on Tue Jul 16 01:55:12 2002 (#4954)

Hi honey, know matter how bad your day gets, just
remember that I care about you. I hope your days
get better. If I can do anything, please let me
know. Take care sweetie.
Love ya, Rhonda

Re: *sighs*
Posted by Erryn on Tue Jul 16 02:48:55 2002 (#4957)

i hope your day will be better just remember we all are here for you take care xxxErryn

Re: *sighs*
Posted by Broken Girl on Tue Jul 16 13:28:53 2002 (#4969)

Hi
I know what you mean, if I could go live in a hostel so no family could reach me unless I wanted them, and I was taught at home so no isolation at school, I would come out of depression. I hate people. All I feel for them is hate and fear, but as I told my therapist last night, the feelings mutual, they fear and hate me too.
Ella x

Re: *sighs*
Posted by Eleanor on Tue Jul 16 16:59:09 2002 (#4974)

people are shit. if there's one thing i've learnt in this life it's that. I hate it and i wish it wasn't true, but it is. there's only so many times you can be let down or screwed over before you realise that.
I hope you find that somebody who's actually worth the bother.
Take care of yourself hun,
love and hugs, el x

Re: *sighs*
Posted by ~Lone WOlf~ on Wed Jul 17 06:46:05 2002 (#4996)

Thankyou Elenour

Re: *sighs*
Posted by she on Sat Jul 20 09:14:38 2002 (#5107)

(((((((huggle))))))

A thought.....
Posted by Dawn on Tue Jul 16 04:28:09 2002 (#4965)

My oldest sister just ssent me an email of a thought she found somewhere. It began talking about the wife of the man who initiated the assault against the enemy that had taken control of the plane on 9-11 that was bound for the capitol. This wife who lost her husband remembered a teacher she had when she was in school who had lost her husband a week prior.

One day the teacher cleared off the corner of her desk and sat on it. She announced that class was dismissed but asked if they would stay in their seats she had something to ask them. She asked the class to look, listen, and smell things that crossed their paths. I hope you will take a few minutes in the next day or two to do the same.

I know our lives get crappy, we often feel like cutting, burning, whatever our weapon is and does and many times daily the desire to end it all is there hanging like a shroud over our lives. But I found years ago that what that teacher asked of her student works wonders to change how I feel and what I think of as I journey from here to there. I like to walk and when I am able I like to strool through a park, stand in the middle of a foot bridge and watch the water. When I'm lucky there is some critter floating, many times with their young. It is nice just to notice them but even better to set and take in the ambivance around be. Smell roses or other flowers and shrubry (unless you have algeries). During the dinner (supper to some) it really dosen't matter what meal it is. It is always comforting for me to take in the wonder of food cooking. Many cookouts, barbeques, and picnics are going on almost daily. Our skies are a great theater of sights. Even watching plane up high in the sky leaving trails of whilte clouds behind them perks me up. Many times I've dreamed I could fly and in one dream I was a sky rocket Zooming straight up and then I burst into a gazillion particles of neon lights. They feeling has not be matched and the greated firework display has never came close the the thrill that dream gave me. Now I'm telling it true I love fireworks their part of my birthday but none compare.

See if you too can find pleasure in life. It realy helps the duldrums to change your focus from inward to outward. God gave us this beautiful earth to enjoy. Please try to find something to laugh about. I know how hard it is. But we are so used to looking inside us for answers instead of looking outward. Think about it what was the last thing that brought you joy or pleasure. If you find some tells us so we all can enjoy it with you.:) Dawn

cutting=living does it for you?
Posted by Dawn on Tue Jul 16 04:52:50 2002 (#4966)

Today while nearing my doctors office it hit me cutting = living. People don't get it. My doctor does. And I educated a few more who finally got it. I used to just thinking it was a substitute for suicide. But today it hit me that cutting stops me even from thinking about suicide. AND YET...cutting can lead to suicide. Isn't that odd. Many a time I was filled with so much pain I started cutting and almost pulled out all the stops. Now to me thats really wigging out BAD.

But flashback can take me there if I'm not on guard. If I go into it really wigging out then I'm libel to cross that line so I do it by the book (MINE) step 1,2,3, clean up. bandage, take a big deep cleansing breath, take my pills, go to bed.
I take my pills afterwards as a precauton so I'm not wasted when I cut. I don't feel when I'm wigging out so I need my full attention so I keep my wits about me so I don't cross the line. It seems so much work to not cross that line, but when you know that the other side of the line is death you mak sure the stops ARE IN..

A doctor in California examined my arms and showed me where cutting is safer and where it isn't. For you skinny people I would think no where is rite for cutting but somehow you find a place I guess. Stay away from veins. Cutting them is hard to treat at home. STAY SAFE...DAWN

Re: cutting=living does it for you?
Posted by Broken Girl on Tue Jul 16 13:22:06 2002 (#4968)

You are right.
Cutting has taken me from the very edge of death and back into the safety of its relief. Yet many times as I cut my wrists cutting almost killed me, the line between living and death misted by the urge for more.
Ella x

locking me away
Posted by Broken Girl on Tue Jul 16 13:40:31 2002 (#4972)

Therapist keeps talking about psytriachtic hospitals.
I think it because I told her about all the people inside me.
*shiver*
Scared of hoping that it might help.
Scared of what mum will say.
Scared to be happy, because then I have something to lose and its not just back to square one its back to rock bottom.
I always knew I needed locking away.
Ella

Re: locking me away
Posted by Eleanor on Tue Jul 16 17:05:20 2002 (#4975)

Oh angel i don't know what to say.
I don't want to say i'm sorry because this might be the right thing for you and help you which is what i want more than anything else in the world, but I don't want to say i'm glad because it could end up hurting you more.
what i am sorry about is that your mum won't make any effort to understand. I hate that so much.
I wish I could stop you hurting but I know I can't, I just want you to know I love you so much.
Keep going baba. One day you will be happy, we all will, and you can come and have great times with me and She in our igloo :-)
I love you sweetie.
El x

Re: locking me away
Posted by she on Sat Jul 20 09:24:56 2002 (#5111)

yeah they wont b able to take you in our igloo cause ther dont have pola bear repelant like we will :)
Hurm im tired and my brain isnt working v well sorry
Luve you
She

Re: locking me away
Posted by Eleanor on Sat Jul 20 21:27:33 2002 (#5126)

and we'll train the penguins to eat your mum....so there!!! :-)

damn people
Posted by scaredinthedark on Tue Jul 16 17:21:39 2002 (#4977)

i understand everyone saying that people suck and i can relate to you all sooooo much. i hate people that love you too much. my parents, since they found out, have been saying 'i love you' like every time they see me. well, i don't want that. i hate them and they don't realize it. they want to put me in a hospital because they can't handle the fact that i cut. they took away all my razors and everything and say 'i trust you that you won't cut again. i love you' blah blah blah. it's pissing me off. i've told them to stop but they don't listen to me. what is the point in being here 24/7 for me if they aren't gonna listen. they are such hipocrits and tell me i don't listen and that i should but why should i. if i don't cut i think about suicide and if i do cut i don't think about it at all. they don't see that. idky they don't but they don't. oh no i've rambled again and i promised i wouldn't. i'll stop now. well take care everyone. <3 always
scaredinthedark

Re: damn people
Posted by Eleanor on Tue Jul 16 20:20:22 2002 (#4980)

god yeah, i hate that. it was my mum who messed me up in the first place and now she keeps saying that she loves me 24/7 like that's gonna make it all ok. they also say that they trust me not to cut but they watch me all the time i'm in the kitchen. my brother threw a kitchen knife away by mistake and they were convinced i'd taken it. what the hell do they know anyway, i never even used knives. shit. sorry, i didn't mean to go on. x

Re: damn people
Posted by scaredinthedark on Tue Jul 16 20:42:27 2002 (#4982)

that's alright. at least i know other people have the same problems. thanks for relating. my parents watch me too. they make sure i don't cut myself when i'm doing the dishes. i'm not going to. i don't even use knives either. just the razor blades. idky they can't see that. well thanks for writing. take care. <3 always,
scaredinthedark

Re: damn people
Posted by Dawn on Tue Jul 16 22:01:36 2002 (#4984)

Being a mother whose child screamed, "I'm going to kill myself every time she didn't get her way since she was 5 and her father had said it she thought she'd get her way, but my mother wouldn't let us get away with it so I didn't let her, until one day I caught her with a knife seriously contemplating cutting her wrist. Then I lost it and gave her a knife that would do some real damage and that approach worked. But that was me before cutting became my friend. Just maybe she has felt guilty for doing that. And maybe she needed to cut. Thanks for making me do some quick reverse psychology. It helped me a lot.

I realize you are still young and probably have some legitamate gripes. All teenagers do. And parents don't always see that. My sister made me a doll when I asked her to, because my therapist at the time thought if I cut on the doll and mended its arms then I would stop cutting. My sister worked hard on the doll but when I looked at her it was as if she was a living breathing person, like myself and I would no sooner cut the doll than I would tell a teenager, "Sure go ahead and cut. Can I watch?"

I would makea bet f you really think about it. Would you give your child permission to cut away the pain? I am a cutter, do not get me wrong, but I still can't bring myself to cut that rag doll my sister made from scratch with out any pattern. I appreciate her work and still see it as a little child, too inocent to mutilate. it would be like asking a little kid to come over and stick out her arm. Could you do it? Think about what you are asking of your parents and think like an adult and a live person wanting to cut. Would you hand her/him a box of razor blades and say go for it? Think about it for a while before you answer. And remember you don't have to do it. It is just a suggestion. I respect you enough not to try to parent you. Beside I'm too old and mentally ill to parent any child again....Dawn

Re: damn people
Posted by scaredinthedark on Wed Jul 17 02:29:42 2002 (#4992)

actually dawn, i see your point. i really do and i think it's a good view from your point. i'm sorry about your daughter. the only fact is that they never cared about me before. it was always about my little brother whose 1 1/2 years younger than me. he's done drugs and smoked weed and cigarettes and drank alcohol. he's only 14! i know some of the people on here do those things but this is my little brother. i've never been anywhere in my parents point of view. i've always been the good child. the one with all the responsibility and chores because no one can trust my brother. my parents finding out made me ticked off and happy at the same time. i could have finally gotten help. well the psych i went to didn't help and neither did they. they went back to like everything was ok again like before they found out except for the fact that they say i love you too much. i understand completely and i know that i would never hand my child a knife or a razor and say have yourself a party. i mean i get that but not what they are doing. i only have one person who knows what i'm going through because he went through it too. he cut and did the same things as me but he didn't think the cutting was for him. he's the only one who gets why i do what i do. i know almost everyone here knows too but he's the only person outside of psyke that knows why and how i feel. my parents don't know that i will kill myself without cutting. and i've told them many times. they don't listen. now i'm the child whose a cutter and i'm still the good child with the responsibility and chores. i don't know. i think i'm rambling and i think i contradicted myself somewhere in here. i appreciate your response very much. thank you. really truly from my heart i thank you. i'm happy some parents can know what we feel. it doesn't matter what your illnesses are it just matters what type of person you are and how you've helped me. so thank you. take care. <3 always,
scaredinthedark

misconceptions
Posted by *me* on Tue Jul 16 20:24:02 2002 (#4981)

Ok, I know a lot of people have misconceptions about SI. It frustrates me, but there's not a lot you can do. Well, the other day I was watching a thingy on TV about self-injury. Only, for the whole report, they did not call it self-injury, self-mutilation, nothing like that. You want to know what they called cutting? A SUICIDAL GESTURE. And it wasn't the reporter person who titled it that. IT WAS A PSYCHOLOGIST who was interviewed. WTF is up with that???? When psychologists are spreading misconceptions about SI, you gotta know something's really really wrong. It pisses me off that people think that people who cut/SI are trying to/on the road to committing suicide. EVERY TIME SOMEONE CUTS IT DOES NOT MEAN WE ARE TRYING TO OFF OURSELVES!!! Why don't people get that? It's a COPING MECHANISM - that means we are trying to STAY ALIVE! It's the complete opposite. Argh. Does this bother anyone else? Cuz it makes me really mad.

Re: misconceptions
Posted by Dawn on Tue Jul 16 21:36:30 2002 (#4983)

It bothers me but I have learned to exercise a great deal of patience, some teaching skills, and a child pill if the psychologist in question will not budge on his/her perception of what cutting is.

Come to think about it. That is what ticks me off about the caseworker/case manager they assigned me at mental health. I think when I see her next week I am going to have a little discussion with her about it. If her ideas are like what you refered to then I am going to ask for a different case manager and inform them that if they do not give me a casemanager who understands about cutting I will stop going there.

This has really been bothering me about her and I couldn't get my hands around what it was specifically. Now I know and can go in there prepared to challenge her idea. When I asked what I should do when I wig out she said to her wigging out is death. And if I get that bad go to this psychaitric counseling for an assessment. To me wigging out means I'm feeling anyone of a number of emotions, and maybe many at the same time and cut to make them settle down. I'm not looking at death but as you said. I'm looking to get through the bad stuff and live not give up hope and exit this world. Thank you for sharing. It really helped me a lot....:) Dawn

Re: misconceptions
Posted by megz on Tue Jul 16 22:29:03 2002 (#4985)

What the fu*k?Maybe they should've interviewed the ones who know self harm best -THE SELF HARMERS.No person knows exactly what self harms is like unless they are or have actually been a self harmer.

Re: misconceptions
Posted by Eleanor on Wed Jul 17 23:44:09 2002 (#5020)

it drives me mad. people think they're an expert on something because they've read a few books or got a few qualifications. they have no idea what it's like to live through this

hrm...
Posted by jennyfer on Tue Jul 16 22:44:57 2002 (#4986)

hay do any of you guys have any ideas on how i could possible tell my mom that i'm???? i mean i dunno it's not that i'm tired of hiding...cuz like i don't really it's just that i wanna tell her i guess...i partially blame my dad for the way i am...i mean if it hadn't been for him i wouldn't be so fucking scared of every god damn male on the face of this earth...i mean think about it...if you were me wouldn't you be just a little scared of men?? i'm just afraid of the fact that if i get too close to some guy he might do the same shit to me...right now i'm like no men r bad!! am i wrong for thinking like this?? i mean i just can't help it...i'm so fucking scared right now i remember once my dad told me that if iever said anything it would be worse for me...and now i can't eve sleep at night with out seeing his body on top of mine...it's sick...and like if i think about it i don't wanna have kids...i'm terrified of the fact that they might turn out like me...fucked up...and i'm afraid that their "daddy" might fuck them in the head too just like mine did to me...man i dunno what the hell is up now...i just fell like my whole world is crashing down around me and all i can do is sit back and watch it happen...well thanks for listening those of you who did
jennyfer

Re: hrm...
Posted by megz on Tue Jul 16 23:19:55 2002 (#4988)

Did you read me message down at the bottom sum where?You know the when where i sed that i was the new girl.My wholllllllllllllllllleeeeeeee heart goes out for you.Tell your mum.Welll you dont have to but i think u shood.I can understand to a certain extent hoe you feel.
PLEASE KEEP THE FAITH.
WE ARE ALLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLL HERE FOR YOU WHENEVR YOU NEED SOME ADVICE OR JUST TO BE HERD.
LOVE MEGZ.

Re: hrm...
Posted by Dawn on Wed Jul 17 02:01:49 2002 (#4991)

Honey, I'm sorry to tell your this but I know so well how you feel. When my memories came back I hated men with a passion for about 9 years. I would no sooner date that a cow could give chocolate milk. After doing a lot of work on my life I prayed about my hate and asked God to take it away and he brought men in my life who I could trust and respect and slowly the hate went away then I joined a matchmaking phone service and met Paul. He isn't mr wonderful but he's been a good friend to me for 4 years. He moved to a state he'd never lved in before me just because I asked him too. Now we live next door to each other and though neither of us want to marry again we are great friends and he never abuses me. He dosen't touch me unless I want to be touched. If you can talk to you mom about what happend, how you feel about it and what you do to feel better and she listens without accusing you or belittling you then you know your mom is on your side. That is very important in your recovery. But even if she gets upset with you. It isn't the end of the world. You are welcome to share here anytime. :)Dawn

Re: hrm...
Posted by jennyfer on Wed Jul 17 18:19:10 2002 (#5009)

thank you dawn and thank you megz i wanna give you guys a really big hug...i'm trying not to lose faith in everything but it's hard it's like they've taken it all away from me...and most days i'm not sure if there is a god...(don't mean to offend anyone)but to me it's like if there was a god then why are so many of us going through this shit?? it's like to me it's like a lie that people make up because they're like afraid to die...u know kinda like santa claus...some days it's like people tell me that good things hide in every corner...and i'm like then i must be walking around in fucking circles then!!i dunno i guess in time things will get better i just have to be patient but i am NOT a very patient person...i dunno

jennyfer

CAN N E ONE HELP.
Posted by megz on Tue Jul 16 23:08:26 2002 (#4987)

Hi.I wonderd if any one could help me.My girlfriend can just about handle my self harm.Tonight i've just got no self confidence at all.So i got out the paracetamol and really wanted to take them all(30),if it didn't kill me then at least it would've been a different way of self harming.Anyway the tablets were just about to go in my mouth and i thought hang on a minute.And in (my opinion) thought bravely of phoning my girlfriend, you know to keep myself occupied so i wouldn't actually do any thing.I told her what i wanted to do.If i stayed at hers then she would want to now why and asked questions when all ited to know why but i didn't want to talk about it.I had asked her i harming instead.I'm supposed to be going over there now but i dunno if i can do with the hassle.She wants to know why my life is so bad that i wanna kill myselff really wanted was a nice big comforting hug.She then said to me,"If you want to die at least do it properly."Which i dunno about you lot but i wasn't impressed.I cant understand why she cant just hug me and let me talk in my own time.I ended up self.I couldnt answer her.I don't really know why i wanted to i was just really low in self confidence.But i can't tell her that coz that won't be a good enuf excuse.So im really stuck with what i gonna do.Has any one got any ideas. This makes me wonder if i am insain.

Re: CAN N E ONE HELP.
Posted by ~Lone WOlf~ on Wed Jul 17 07:05:30 2002 (#4998)

Tell her that you just can't talk yet. U just need her to be there for you to comfort you. And if she can't understand that then you...shouldn't stay with her. Sorry.

Re: CAN N E ONE HELP.
Posted by jennyfer on Wed Jul 17 18:09:13 2002 (#5008)

megz...ur not insane!! *HUGGGG* i know that really wasn't all that great but at least pretend ok?? some people weren't made for you to talk to..maybe one day...i dunno but what she said was wrong she shouldn't have said that!! want me to go beat her up?? what the hell that just pisses me off!!!!! why the fuck would she say something like that?? whatever...don't let someone bring you down...it's not worth it...she sounds like one of those people that doesn't understand and is never going to...you can't make her understand how you feel...you can only tell her so much...maybe she doesn't want to understand what ur going through...in time things will get better...i know it sounds hypocritical coming from me but it's true i know ur probably like... i've waited my whole life for things to get better and it's still shit!!! or i dunno just give things a little bit more time...look on the bright side of things...yes there is a bright side to everything...maybe it'll help...although i don't know u all that much just know that if u need me i'll be here... *HUGGGG*

jennyfer

Re: CAN N E ONE HELP.
Posted by megz on Wed Jul 17 20:17:03 2002 (#5010)

FANX U GUYS.IT'S SO NICE TO BE ABLE TO HAVE SOMEONE LISTENING INSTEAD OF TRYING TO GET INSIDE MY HEAD ALL THE TIME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
fanx agen!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! !!!

Kind of wierd
Posted by ... on Tue Jul 16 23:22:23 2002 (#4989)

well I know this might sound wierd, and I know that I might be paranoid due to obvious reasons, but I think my mom or someone else in my house is reading here on the board.
I mean this sounds wierd to me because Im 17, and although not an adult, I just feel wierd if someone was "spying" on me.
So I dont think Ill be posting anymore, just for a little while..i dunno.

KAT

{{{{KAT}}}
Posted by Dawn on Wed Jul 17 01:43:01 2002 (#4990)

Kat, please e-mail me. There may be truth behind what you suspect. Last year some parent was retrieving somebody's messages. It can happen but it may not be happening. If it is happening there is nothing you can do to stop them. You come here because you need too, so don't be too paranoid. I've read your posts and they haven't been bad but then I'm a grown up, and you are a teen. Take care whatever you decide. Love and hugs. :-( Dawn

Re: {{{{KAT}}}
Posted by KAT on Wed Jul 17 20:30:50 2002 (#5012)

thanks Dawn.
You know Ive been thinking about this, and if someone like my mother were to be reading this then Im sure almost positive she would have said something to me by now. So I dunno, I guess Ill let it go..Im such a paranoid person!
it really gets the best of me...really.
take care
*hugs*
KAT

Re: {{{{KAT}}}
Posted by she on Sat Jul 20 09:18:19 2002 (#5108)

Hurmmmm dito dose n e one know how to compleatly delete the history its annoying but typing .<< in instead of a screan name helps a little expecially if your using your real name
Luv ya
She

she
Posted by KAT on Sat Jul 20 16:52:48 2002 (#5116)

onmycomputer I delete my history (try to) every time I get off. I go to "tools" at the top of the page, then "internet options"
then you should see clearhistorh, other wise, if you have instant messenger, if you type in the link inside a instant messege box, and click it, it wont show up in your computer,because you clicked it, and didnt type it in.
:)

KAT

Re: she
Posted by she on Sat Jul 20 19:17:17 2002 (#5119)

Thankyou !!!!:)
Wow thats fantastic.:):):):):):):):):):)
Whooooo
Thanx againg :)
Luv
She

Scaredinthedark what does <3always mean?
Posted by Dawn on Wed Jul 17 05:37:08 2002 (#4995)

Call be dense or whatever but I've been trying to figure out what <3 always mean. Thank you for telling me in advance. I finally figured out what idky means but some of the sybol are difficult for this old lady to understand. l+h :-) Dawn

Re: Scaredinthedark what does <3always mean?
Posted by ~Lone WOlf~ on Wed Jul 17 07:11:14 2002 (#4999)

<3 this is a side ways heart. Tilt your head to the right and you'll se it.

Re: Scaredinthedark what does <3always mean?
Posted by scaredinthedark on Wed Jul 17 17:31:01 2002 (#5006)

right lone wolf. <3 is a sideways heart and <3 always means love always. i picked it up once when i put the wrong letters into an email and i use it for most things now. lol. thanks for asking. take care. <3always,
scaredinthedark

Thanks
Posted by Dawn on Wed Jul 17 21:52:05 2002 (#5015)

Thank you for not making me feel like an old idiot.

Re: Thanks
Posted by scaredinthedark on Thu Jul 18 03:02:58 2002 (#5040)

your welcome. yur not an idiot. lol. luv ya.

Re: Thanks
Posted by she on Sat Jul 20 09:20:32 2002 (#5109)

lol its perty <3<3
She

can i please be done?i want it to be over!!!!!!!!!
Posted by Jamie on Wed Jul 17 07:25:38 2002 (#5000)

i feel like i have depression of my body...it's like almost shutting down on me...i just collapse, i can't hold myself, my shoulders up...shit i am being drained w/ emotional flaws...how come my friends never feel this way? why are they all so fucking happy?...all i do is bring people down, i'm so tired of this...i'm ready to give up...my pain is becoming so physical...all the time, with out even cutting...it's DRAINING MY LIFE it's being sucked out of me....i can't breathe, my chest...oh shit this has gotten bad

Re: can i please be done?i want it to be over!!!!!
Posted by KAT on Wed Jul 17 20:28:03 2002 (#5011)

hey...well I know I said I might take a break from posting but I had to tell you something.
I dont know if you know the stages of mental depression or clinical depression but often the very last stage is physical.
You get physically ill, slow, tired, pain where it shouldnt be for no reason, you are expereinceing something so bad your body is trying to tell you go get some help. Its at these last stages that people really get into a I cant do it anymore thinking.
I know I was there over a year ago, Ive never been as depressed as I was one year ago in my life, and the physical part of it really brought me down.
Please maybe tell someone you trust,because chances are you really need to seek some medical attention for your depression.
take care
I know what its like, in-describable.

hugs

KAT

Re: can i please be done?i want it to be over!!!!!
Posted by Erryn on Thu Jul 18 02:14:58 2002 (#5038)

hey i hope you are feeling better, not much else i can say just know you are loved take care xxxErryn

I need reasons to stop
Posted by Somber_eyez on Wed Jul 17 08:24:44 2002 (#5001)

This may sound a little off, but today my shrink asked me why I wanted to stop SIing. And for some reason I had no idea as to why I wanted to stop. I mean, the only thing I don't like is the scarring. I know there is a real reason why I want to stop cutting, but I don't think the reason has anything to do with me. It's more of a pressured thing. So I was hoping to find out if anyone else was dealing with trying to stop cutting, and if so what is their reasoning. Maybe it can trigger me to figuring out why it is I want to stop.
Thanks,
Tiff

Re: I need reasons to stop
Posted by Jamie on Wed Jul 17 17:19:51 2002 (#5004)

hey, i have that problem too...and i can't find a reason to stop either, the only one is my friends telling me too, my psyc,i've tried not to stop and think about reasons, and just keep trying to quit...but i see no point in stopping either, as long as i don't cut too deep, sorry i wish i could be of more help
luv jamie

Re: I need reasons to stop
Posted by KAT on Thu Jul 18 01:06:06 2002 (#5025)

everyone has their own seperate reasons and when the time comes you will realize, like a light bulb will go ff in your head, thats how it was for me at least..theres so many contributing factors, but the main one is that you need to stop because you dont want to hurt yourself anymore. Its not just physical cutting causes mental anguish and confusion.
be careful
i hope you find some good answers. love
KAT

Re: I need reasons to stop
Posted by jennyfer on Wed Jul 17 17:53:27 2002 (#5007)

hm...well my reasons may not be what ur looking for or whatever but uh...lets see...i stopped mostly because like...i saw how much it was hurting the people that supposedly care about me...and that wasn't right i'm not only hurting myself i'm also hurting everyone around me too u know what mean?? mostly i just want to stop because it's not getting me anywhere...i mean yeah it's gets through what's going on at that time or it gets me throught another day of this shit but am i really gonna be cutting myself every minute of everyday???

Re: I need reasons to stop
Posted by Dawn on Wed Jul 17 22:52:59 2002 (#5019)

Over the last year I may have cut 3 or 4 times. I just tried but my sissors are not what they used to be, knives hurt and only cut the surface and razors only cut the surface and hurt like hell.
That is problay the reason I don't cut. Before I didn't really feel it, now y arms are so scarred it is almost impossible to cut through them, and it hurts. It finally hurts which tell me I am not in emotional pain. And that the hurt that caused me to attempt cutting was not deep enough. I actually got angry because the sissors wouldn't do their buisness. I have another I could try, but now I'm fine. It was a short-lived guilt riddened hurt because I thought I caused someone to be suicidal. I guess each one of us needs to come to terms with the reasons why we cut before we are finished with the cutting. Its a thought.

Re: I need reasons to stop
Posted by Erryn on Thu Jul 18 02:13:21 2002 (#5037)

i know how you feel hang in there take care xxErryn

Re: I need reasons to stop
Posted by Sam on Thu Jul 18 21:46:39 2002 (#5064)

I can totally relate. It's been this fight inside my head for years. Until other people started getting bothered by it, I savored my SI. It was what made me unique.

When people take note of my scars, sometimes I want to stop, but then I think, why? Why should I stop? Can't they just get used to it?

At this point, the closest person to me is my boyfriend. He didn't tell me to stop because he knew it wouldn't work, but I saw him cry once as he felt the scars on my abdomen. I think that's what made me stop.

Sorry for blabbering. I guess what I want to say is that giving up SI is, to me at least, a sacrifice made to make somebosy happy who you really love and who loves you back. (It doesn't have to be a bf/gf, it can just be a friend, sibling, or even a parent.)

Hope something in my rambles was useful...

Sam

ive never felt so alone in my life...
Posted by stranger in the night on Wed Jul 17 13:51:03 2002 (#5002)

hey all. ive not been around much lately, thing is im getting easily triggered by posts at the moment. specially the abuse related ones. so im not reading them so sorry about that.

im really tired at the moment. a lto has happened to me lately. i dunno, my grandad died last week and that was soooo bad. im gutted about that, it was all a very sad affair.

ive gone back to cutting again every day............its hard.

week before last i think it was, i had to go see my psych with my mum, and my mum found out im still cutting. it was horrible. she confiscated al my blades and read my diary! im suprised she hasnt tought of looking here.....or maybe she has but my name hasnt been up a lot so she may have missed it i dunno. we are eating with plastic knifes and forks and whenever i need the scissors i have to ask my dad first because he keeps them locked away. this is unbearable! its like being in a psych but being in my own home. its horrid. i feel as though im on 24 hour suicide watch as well!

its real hard for me at the moment, im finding it very hard to cope. i have to go se my psych today and im gunna tell her bout my suicidal feelings. they are geting stronger and i have enough pills (i think?!) saved up now. i dont want to take them though im just scarewd tht i will when i lose rational thinking so i need to vent about it....my psych and you guys are the only possible people i can do that to.

well i hope your all ok, im gunna have to go now, my mum is shouting me..........but wel i hope everyones ok...and rhonda nice to see your name popping up again....hope you and your family are well! well ok i really should go, i miss you guys, take care x

Re: ive never felt so alone in my life...
Posted by *me* on Wed Jul 17 16:22:22 2002 (#5003)

Hey, I'm sorry to hear things are going so terrible for you right now. I don't know what to say to make it better, but know that you are NOT alone, you are NEVER alone, because we are all here for you. Please stay safe, DON'T take the pills...if you think you can then flush them or give them to your shrink. I'm here if you need anything.

I am sooooooooo sorry.
Posted by Dawn on Wed Jul 17 21:48:50 2002 (#5014)

I forget what it is like I guess. I am very sorry for stirring things up. Please forgive me. I'll shut up now. :-( Dawn

no need for apologies, my problem
Posted by stranger in the night on Wed Jul 17 21:58:56 2002 (#5016)

nah dawn, i wasnt reffering to your post in particular. a lot of posts talk about sexual abuse and that cant be helped i guess. im not denying that your post stirred things up for me because it did but no need to apologise, you were venting and thats why your here! i shouldnt read the posts if i dont want to get triggered and thats why im not reading them at the mo. so no need for apology, just wanted to say that. hope your ok.

Re: no need for apologies, my problem
Posted by Eleanor on Wed Jul 17 23:50:39 2002 (#5021)

hey baba,
i'm sorry things are bad for you hun. i meant what i said in my email, anytime you need me ok? love you loads. x x x

Re: ive never felt so alone in my life...
Posted by KAT on Thu Jul 18 00:46:30 2002 (#5024)

hey there I dunno exactly what to say, what you said is happening is a little to personal to me, I mean I can relate a little to well, sorry if that doesnt make sence. But about your grandad Im sooo sorry, Its sooo un bearabley hard to lose someone that means so much, but it just takes time a lot of time, and you will begin to come to terms with his passing and know you'll see each other again, and until then you can focus on you getting better!
It sucks that things have all come out so quick again, but once everythings out in the open it can only get better Because thats got to be one of the roughest parts of all this stuff.
take care
*many hugs**

love
KAT

Re: ive never felt so alone in my life...
Posted by Rhonda on Thu Jul 18 01:25:16 2002 (#5028)

Oh honey, I'm so sorry to hear about your grandpa.
I know just how you feel! It's hard to let them
go but we have too. I know it doesn't change
anything, but they are in a good place with loved
ones who have passed before them. That is what
keeps me going thinking about my grandma. I know
she is with her parents, grandparents and brothers
and sister. She is also with her Lord who she devoted her life to. Now I know some of you are not religous or anything, but I hope you know that
I don't mean to offend anyone. This is just how my
grandma was. I just sit down and remember all the
good times I had with her while I was growning up
and it makes me smile. She taught me how to cook,
can vegetables and take care of my family. She also taught me about God. I think this is where my
faith started, is with her teaching. She taught
Sunday School for 50 years and whenever I spent the night with her as a kid, I went into her class
with her. Even though I was older.
As far as your parents taking blades and other things away, I know it feels like a prison, but I
think it is their way of letting you know that they care about you. Tara used to get so mad at us
if we asked anything concerning where she was
going and who she was going with. I even did what
I'm sure some of your parents do, check her arms
and legs when she came in the house.(Wasn't I
horrible?!!!) In my mind, it was my way of making
sure she was safe at that moment. About all I can
say is to hang in there, and if you ever want to
talk, I'm here. Take care of yourself.
LOve ya, Rhonda

Re: ive never felt so alone in my life...
Posted by Erryn on Thu Jul 18 02:12:14 2002 (#5036)

try to hang in there im here for you if you want to talk take care xxxErryn

blah
Posted by *Poison on Wed Jul 17 21:00:27 2002 (#5013)

that's the type of mood i am in all the time now. not a depressed suicidal mood as usual but ever since they put me on the combination of meds i am on now i haven't really been able to experience anything. i'm on 3mg risperdal, 600mg lithobid, 450mg eskalith, and 200mg zoloft. i am totally over medicated and i know that. but at least i'm not depressed as hell right? i dont' know i just miss being depressed it was something that i cherished in a way. it made me comfortable with myself, at peace with my surroundings. while at the same time tearing me apart. i hate feeling nothing. i would much rather feel like shit than feel nothing. i see my psychiatrist tomorrow and i'm gonna tell him to get me off the meds. i miss having a reason to cut myself. where as now it's mainly because i'm soo addicted. or i try to feel something, ANYTHING. just thought i would keep u guys posted.

Amanda

Re: blah
Posted by Erryn on Thu Jul 18 02:11:13 2002 (#5035)

hey over medicated is always good if it makes you feel good huh take care xxxErryn

I feel sooo bad tears are flooding my eyes
Posted by Dawn on Wed Jul 17 22:10:53 2002 (#5017)

I am so comfortable about talking about my life I forget how hard it was before that comfortablility came over me. Now I've caused some to cut more and have suicidal thoughts. I remember how that felt and if I could turn back the clock I would. Not because what I say is wrong but because of the pain others feel when I bring up the subject.

It is just that I know that working to rebuild my life has taken hard work to get there. I know how painful it is. But I know that as hard as it is it was necessary for me to come to understand that what happened to me was not my fault. Now I don't have to punish myself anymore. I can discuss it because I finally found some peace.

But if my peace causes others pain I should punish myself because I hurt someone else. It doesn't make sense but the tears are driving me to cut. I have some internal test tomorrow so I can't cut a lot. But I have to cut. Probably no one will red this. But I have to speak what is happening to me or I will slide off the other side.

I hate this. I hate when I am ok one minute and deep in pain the next. It is like a monkey wrench being thrown into how I work and causes every painful event I've ever experienced to come to the center of my conscious mind and bombard me all at once. There is only two ways to bring me out of it.ccccccuuuuuutttttttttting.

Re: I feel sooo bad tears are flooding my eyes
Posted by KAT on Thu Jul 18 00:36:11 2002 (#5022)

Dawn,I used to cut over making my other so upset and causing the family to fight because of me, but those are their feelings and I can not control how they feel over something, and it was not my fault.
It is not your fault, you did not cause someone to do anything, the subject triggers many people, but the subject willalways be there if never talked about. Itwasnt you, maybe you are a way that it can be tried and elped now, because of the openness you have.
Please I know it feels like right this second theres noother way then to cut, and I totally understand that 100% but understand and realize you didnt cause someone else to feel anything.
It was caused by the personwho abused them or did whatever to hurt them in any way, and no matter if that subject is brought up or NOT it will be there and it does definnetly need to be talked about, letting go little by little is better then not letting go at all.
Please be careful Dawn! Especially with your health, I dunno I hate to see it decline.
love much
*hugs*
KAT

Re: I feel sooo bad tears are flooding my eyes
Posted by she on Sat Jul 20 09:23:06 2002 (#5110)

xxxxxx
((((((((((((((((really big huggle ))))))))))))))
She**

Re: I feel sooo bad tears are flooding my eyes
Posted by Rhonda on Thu Jul 18 01:14:03 2002 (#5027)

Hey friend!! I'm here for you. What can I do to
help?
Love ya always, Rhonda

I'm quitting
Posted by melz on Wed Jul 17 22:17:45 2002 (#5018)

I dont think anyone here remembers me, I posted awhile back on the old boards, but not that much. I'm mainly just a lurker, anyways i've decided to quit. After i completly butchered up my leg (over 30 cuts) to the point where i thought a lot of the cuts needed stitches. And i realized i am taking this too far, and should stop now, because every time i cut its gets worse (more and deeper). So its been about a week and a half and no cutting. I know that isnt long at all, but its a start, right? So, i probably wont be comming back, not that any of you will miss me, just letting you know. I'm not sure if i can kick si for good, but im going to give it a good try. If you wanna email me you can, my addy is: melissa_jane88@hotm ail.com

So, good luck and best wishes to you all, as i bid you a farewell.

Re: I'm quitting
Posted by KAT on Thu Jul 18 00:41:08 2002 (#5023)

hey there Im sure alot of people here recognize you and care about your feelings, I do.
I personally think that cutting is something that can be over come but not easily and not quick, it takes so much fucking time,time worth spending on getting better.

Cutting does only get worse and worse and its when its so bad it controls you it does need to be looked at by more then just you, its a good idea to seek some help.
Good luck on quitting, I believe you can do it..you may slip up but Im sure we alll have, I know have MANY times.
be careful
take care

KAT

Re: I'm quitting
Posted by Rhonda on Thu Jul 18 01:11:55 2002 (#5026)

Good luck honey. I'm always just a click away if
you ever need to talk. I'll send you some little
cards every now and then also. Take care of
yourself.
LOve ya, Rhonda

Re: I'm quitting
Posted by ~Lone WOlf~ on Thu Jul 18 01:58:15 2002 (#5031)

bye

Re: I'm quitting
Posted by Erryn on Thu Jul 18 02:09:50 2002 (#5033)

im proud good luck and ill be thinking of you. take care xxxErryn

Re: I'm quitting
Posted by Nicke on Thu Jul 18 18:29:48 2002 (#5057)

I hope you find happiness in whatever you choose in life...I wish that for you.

Nicke.

Take down my addy incase you want to email me.

Re: I'm quitting
Posted by *me* on Thu Jul 18 19:28:41 2002 (#5058)

Hey Melz...of course I remember you. And I'm proud that you've decided to quit. That takes a lot of guts and courage. I wish you the best of luck. Remember we're here if you need anything - just ask. Lots of love, take care and stay safe.

cutting doesn't work NEMore
Posted by Dawn on Thu Jul 18 01:43:06 2002 (#5029)

I don't know how I feel now. I tried to cut and it didn't work. My sissors are too dull and my arm too scarred. I feel like I need to stop coming here and making it worse for others. But Kat is right, people are going to get triggered no matter what anyone says.

Now I think I am grieving the loss of a recovery tool. And I don't have a counselor. I have to pick myself up dust my mind off and see where I go from here.

I don't want to leave the board. I finally got into the groove of it again. Now I log on and read the posts that are new and get more aquainted with the people on here. However, I am not sure if it is doing for me what it is supposed to. I just might be too close to my past reading the post and responding to them and reacting to them in a way that causes me more harm than good.

I will wait and see. If I need to say good-bye for my health then I will be back and do that. But for now I will just see how things unfold for me. I love you all and want only the best for you. You help me out sooo much just being on here and being real. xxxooo :)Dawn

Re: cutting doesn't work NEMore
Posted by ~Lone WOlf~ on Thu Jul 18 02:10:04 2002 (#5034)

I hope you stay Dawn. I like to listen to you.

I'm better today JUST A LITTLE SET BACK *NM*
Posted by Dawn on Thu Jul 18 16:00:19 2002 (#5048)