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Threads 1151 to 1175

dreaming
Posted by Broken Girl on Sat Aug 3 12:17:28 2002 (#5531)

In my dreams I'm always running. It probably means I have to stop running away from my feelings or something, does it? probably...
But I guess dreams of running are better then the empty black void that I usually slip into as I sleep. Dreamless and formless, nothing but black.
Ella x

Re: dreaming
Posted by Dawn on Sat Aug 3 20:17:03 2002 (#5533)

After I was on my own I had nightmares that my ex was trying to kill me. For the first several years I ran and he chased me, then something changed.... I somehow found a butcher knife and started defending myself. I would stab him like a thousand times and he would never die. One night I woke up sweaty and afraid, my heart pounding and when I went to thearpy group that day I talked aboutmy nighmares. I have had none of those nightmare since then.

I also had where every male that passed me in this mall near where I live reached out and grabbed my boobs as they passed me. One night I woke up so upset by it I cut one of my boobs and needed stitches. The doctor who put the stitch in did not numb the site up before he used his needle, which upset me. I went home and back to sleep and had another one of those nightmares. When I woke up later that morning I went to a t-shirt shop and had DON'T TOUCH ME printed on a hot pink t-hirt whic I bought there. The lettering was in black. I have never had another one of those nightmare either.

In college I was told that this one fame psychologist believe that dreams are unfinished business. The way my nightmares ended after I did something about what the dreams content was about they stopped I lean toward the unfinished business believe very strongly. So if you want the dreams to stop I would suggest you tell your brain that whe the dream comes back you are going to stand and fight your psyke with turn and fight instead of run away. But you need to have another one of these dreams and pay attention to the content and do something related to it and it will stop.

Hope this helped .... Dawn

I am in so much pain and I feel like crap
Posted by Dawn on Sun Aug 4 02:05:27 2002 (#5535)

The pain in my body has increased in the last 4 days or so. I've been having trouble with my knee again and then day before yesterday my back started bothering me. But last nights senario makes everthing worse because my depression is worse.

tearin page after page of Playboy away from its binding killed my back something awful even though it was so empowering to shred the magazines to little strips. It is just real hard to deal with.

I hate the memories of what I had to do to be married to my kids day. I hope none of you have to wear slutty clothes and perform scenes from XXXrated movies like I did. Last night I thought of suicide, and today is little better. The only redeeming part of last night was being allowed to shred the offending pages and to do so with every emotion you can thank of.

I want to go to bed and veg out. Maybe I'll Imagine something tragic happens to my ex so I can get over this. {;-( Dawn

Re: I am in so much pain and I feel like crap
Posted by Erryn on Sun Aug 4 02:19:23 2002 (#5536)

hey girl sorry you are feeling down, i have to admit i wish something bad would happen to my ex but so far nothing!!!!! i hope you feel better take care xxxErryn

Re: I am in so much pain and I feel like crap
Posted by ~Lone WOlf~ on Sun Aug 4 06:22:42 2002 (#5540)

Your bad slump has come,
hang on with both hands to those who care for you and you'll be able to make it threw this.
Hang in there dawn. Some of us need you.
~lone~

Re: I am in so much pain and I feel like crap
Posted by KAT on Sun Aug 4 14:54:11 2002 (#5544)

hello
sorry Im very sleep deprived.
I hope your health gets better Dawn.
Im sorry your having a rough time.
I'd also like to do something to my ex although, nothing can change whats happened now.
take care
love KAT
e-mail me if you feel like it

Thank you all for your kind words. I appreciate it *NM*
Posted by Dawn on Sun Aug 4 19:32:46 2002 (#5550)

i hate this world...
Posted by chez on Sun Aug 4 06:15:49 2002 (#5538)

I wanted to stay at my friends place so I dont have to deal with my dad....but while Im riding my bike a stupid car bangs my knee and now I cant even get out of the house....gosh....what a week.
everyday goes by so slow....and Im so stuck....I feel gross and nothing seems like it means anything......I wish next week will go by alot faster....sleeping pills sleeping pills sleeping pills....oh my god.....I cant live like this............Im so tired. Im sorry for blabbering so much again. Im sorry

Re: i hate this world...
Posted by ~Lone WOlf~ on Sun Aug 4 06:25:04 2002 (#5541)

Hang on there, i know how you feel, even though i know that's not much consolation. And quit saying sorry. It does no good. And it's not needed.
`lone`

Re: i hate this world...
Posted by KAT on Sun Aug 4 14:57:27 2002 (#5545)

take care Michelle

love u
KAT

Re: i hate this world...
Posted by Erryn on Sun Aug 4 18:54:23 2002 (#5546)

hey sorry to hear that you got hurt i hope you feel better, why do you want the weeks to go by so fast? take care xxxErryn

Re: i hate this world...
Posted by Dawn on Sun Aug 4 19:27:20 2002 (#5549)

It doesn't bother me. When you need to say something do it with out appologize for doing so. We have all been there at one time or another.I am sorry you
ve developed this sleeping disorder. Just relax and life will quiet and God will give you peace, but you have to believe it to receive it. I know it is difficult sometimes to believe but you just have to beleive it sometime...Dawn

*me*
Posted by KAT on Sun Aug 4 14:49:47 2002 (#5543)

Hi *me* sorry I dunno if you ever found that song you were looking for but I came across some lyrics and they just so happen to look kind of like what you were saying so I'll post tem

here they are:
THE LAST KISS
Lyrics: Davey Havok
hung in your room, swaying, hoping only that you'll see. all by myself, i'm alone in such poor company. the deeper i think, the deeper i seem to sink. i can't stop the insects that are feeding, pull the needles from beneath my skin. i broke myself, shattered, tied a bow around every piece. you'll love the eyes. have they always shone so vacantly? the more i show the less you'll want to know. i can't stop the insects that are feeding , pull the needles from beneath my skin. now i'm on display, i am becoming. hurt myself today. it's all for you do you like what i'm becoming? cut myself today, it's all for you. i part the night, flashing, approaching as i watch you flee. pushed through your panes. seems i've landed quite uncomfortably, but as i pass through souls of broken glass, i can't stop the insects that are feeding, pull the needles from beneath my skin. please don't ask me what i think, trust me, you don't want to know. please don't ask me to open up. trust me. trust me. 'cause i can't.

thats a song called "last kiss" by AFI.
good song!
lol..sorry if you already found it out though
take care
KAT

Re: *me*
Posted by *me* on Wed Aug 7 03:24:02 2002 (#5590)

Hey KAT! Thanks for posting the song. I don't think it was the one I heard but it sounds like a good song anyways. I still can't find that dang song!! I'm still looking though!! It has to be out there somewhere...I mean I heard it!! LOL. Thanks again, hope you're doing well. Take care!

life
Posted by Erryn on Sun Aug 4 18:57:29 2002 (#5547)

hey guys, ive been contiplating running my car into a tree (w/out my kids) im so far in debt and my job sucks i only have one friend there and i dont want to get up in the morning. im listening to pearl jams song alive thinkin do i deserve to be alive, i want to cut so bad, but i dont want my babies to see it. i dont know what to do. Erryn

Re: life
Posted by Dawn on Sun Aug 4 19:18:15 2002 (#5548)

I am not sure what to say, except you love your babies and don't want to harm them. I've been where you are (driving the car into the tree) I guess that is why I no longer have a car.

I would say pack the kids up ad go to the park or something but I know how wigged out a mother can get with her kids playing loudly when she is wigging out already. So I suggest asking God to take this burdens from you so you can get the rest a mother so desprately needs from time to time. He saved me from murdering my children by remimding me of how much I loved them so I know He loves children more than we do, and He loves you.

Ask God for the Peace that passes all understanding, believe that you have received what you asked and it will be so. I didn't imagine God spoke to me. I heard His still small voice. God does not need to scream or shout. He can wisper and the heart hears it. Trust in Him. Let Him open those inner ears and the eyes of your heart too. Simply ask and you shall receive showers of blessing. God had compassion beyond compare :-)Dawn

Re: life
Posted by Sam on Mon Aug 5 03:06:11 2002 (#5555)

Please take care of yourself! I know it's not fun to be living for somebody else's sake, but I think your children deserve a fair chance at normalcy.

Are you seeing a therapist? Probably not, if you're having money problems (my situation), but you should really find somebody to talk to, even if it's not a professional at this point. If you can find someone to take your kids for a day and devote it all to yourself, that can be really helpful.

E-mail me if you need to talk. PLEASE STAY SAFE.

Sam

Re: life
Posted by Dawn on Mon Aug 5 06:57:55 2002 (#5560)

I don't know where you live but I know if you live in the USA there are therapist who counself people on a sliding scale fee. In many cases they even do it for free. I didn't think about it before that you might not be in counseling somewhere. I just assume everyone on here has a doctor or therapist. If you do not have someone to talk to you can call a local crisis center here in the states. Some of them we have to educate that what we need most is to be listened too. I believe that just having someone who will listen helps so much than having someone with their own agenda does. I am still praying for you....Hugs Dawn

Not a good time not to have a therapist
Posted by Dawn on Sun Aug 4 20:03:38 2002 (#5551)

It seems like my world is crashing down on me. My doctor took a week vacation. My fibermyalgia is flaring something feirce. I kept waking up all night in real physical pain, but didn't take more pain killers until this morning. Now I am having to double the dosage. NOT GOOD!!!

Stephanie, my nurse practioner is wonderful. I don't think she will yell at me or even get that angry. She know me. I have talked to her about everything in my life since I returned to Oregon. I couldn't ask for anyone better. The doctor she has over her got angry when I saw him one day. I figured if I was going to tell people my doctor's name I should at least know what he looks like, but he got angry and said Stephanie is fully capable and that I was wasting his time. Now I don't even know if he is still at the clinic.

I know I need a therapist so I called my mental health insurance company and got some phone numbers. One was Salem Psychaitric Associates and they assured me they had a therapist so I dropped the county mental health system. Now I not only don't have a therapist I also do not have any mental health provider period. I feel like I afloat without a paddle. And this is not a good thing. I am so glad I have all of you. Right now you are all I've got.

Well I'm falling asleep typing so that a big clue my meds are working. So I'll close now and go back to bed. If I didn't back track and retype what I've just written you would see how much of this I've typed with my eyes closed. There I go again bye...Dawn

Re: Not a good time not to have a therapist
Posted by KAT on Mon Aug 5 06:56:13 2002 (#5559)

sorry Dawn, Not sure exactly what to say to you, Ive got it in my mind but my words dont come out how Id like them to...so please take care I know I tell you that a lot. but I mean it
e-mail me if you feel up to it
love KAT

extremly sad
Posted by KAT on Mon Aug 5 01:09:21 2002 (#5552)

Im so very sad right now, yu know the kind of sad where you just feel like bursting into tears no matter what the situation, good or bad, ma be. m so sad..I thought the one person who could understand and love me for me would be there, but once again, I feel let down. its not his fault, its mine for being so messed up.
I dont want to be sad anymore, I dont want to be here anymore.

Im stuck..because I wish I could just leave, and this tme..I wish it were true for real.
kat

Re: extremly sad
Posted by Erryn on Mon Aug 5 01:23:17 2002 (#5553)

hey kat sorry you are feeling down, i kinda know how ya feel, just know im here for ya. take care xxxErryn

hey
Posted by chez on Mon Aug 5 01:44:22 2002 (#5554)

hang in there...I'll hang in there with you.
I trust you and dont want anything to happen to you, and dont want you to feel the way your feeling....I know its hard and theres alot of bullshit....but I care for you alot.
hang in there k?
love you lots
chelle

Re: hey
Posted by Dawn on Mon Aug 5 06:48:25 2002 (#5558)

Hi sweetie. I am sooooo sorry you are so sad. Is there anything I can do. You know I'm here foe you when you need me. You are my buddy and I love you and wish the best for you. Stay Safe...{:-( Dawn

Re: hey
Posted by Kayleigh on Tue Aug 6 04:29:12 2002 (#5571)

Any time ya need, just e-mail me. I can't always offer advice, but I can listen. I'm good at that. Just think of this as a bad patch...if you're anything like me, it's like a rollercoaster. Bad weeks and good weeks. I hope you have a good one soon.

Kayleigh

Re: hey
Posted by she on Thu Aug 8 13:30:47 2002 (#5623)

{{{{{{{{{{{{{big big huggle}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}
Yes i know what you mean .
loads and loads of love
She

Re: extremly sad
Posted by *me* on Wed Aug 7 03:34:17 2002 (#5591)

Hey KAT...I don't know what to tell you. I know what that feeling of sad is though. It sucks. I know that's not much help to you, but sometimes it's nice to know that other people have the same feelings.

life sucks
Posted by scaredinthedark on Mon Aug 5 04:53:42 2002 (#5556)

hey everyone, i just thought i'd write sumthin. i hate stupid life right now. me and my best friend for like 4 years had a big fight the other day over her boyfriend and decided we shouldn't be friends anymore. i said it first because i said if she was gonna say stuff like she did then we had no business being friends. she agreed and now we are not talkin to each other. it's been 4 days lol. anyways i mean i've known her bf since 1st grade and i'm gonna be in 11th so that's 10 years. and she way too overprotective. i think of him as like one of my big brothers that i so don't have and i told him so and gave him a hug. i mean he said thank you and that means so much to me that you think of me that way and my friend imed me that night after and yelled at me for it. i mean he hugged me back so she should yell at him and other people who touch him like hugs and beating him up for bad things he says. i'm not the only damn person who does it. and she knows it i'm just a scapegoat. it hurts me to think she'd actually think those things. i mean we've known each other for 4 years she should know me better than that for one and two we were friends even before she started goin out with him so she shouldn't let him get in between what me and her have. it doesn't help that her bf if like one of my bff's also but still he takes care of me like a little sister to him so how come she's gettin so worked up over nothing. i would never do the things she accused me of. and she knows that. i want to tell her and mend our friendship. i love her like a sister because we are so close. she won't let me clear it up though and idky. oh well. i guess i'm just doomed to have no one. well thanks for listenin to my ranting. i shouldn't have but i needed too. maybe i should write sum of this stuff to her in an email. hmm... maybe. well i gotta go. <3 always,
scaredinthedark

Re: life sucks
Posted by Dawn on Mon Aug 5 06:42:07 2002 (#5557)

I'm sorry you are between a rock and a hard place. I haven't been your age for ages but I do know that if she is a true friend things will work out, but if she doesn't try to get back on speaking terms with you it is like the old adage "If you love someone let them go. If they come back you've gained a true friend. If they don't they were never really your friend." So all you can do is wait and see. But the best thing you can do is let her know that you wich to mend the broken fence but if she doesn't you will get over her some day.

It seems that all friends have pats but in true friendships all is mended fairly soon. I hope that is the case with the two of you. :) Dawn

Re: life sucks
Posted by Jamie on Mon Aug 5 20:24:50 2002 (#5563)

hey i'm really sorry to hear about your friend and her boyfriend...maybe your friend has been hurt before and really has trust issues with boyfriends?? i dunno i'm just throwing that out there...i really think your friend overreacted about you hugging him...maybe the overprotectiveness goes deeper than it seems...good luck and take care of yourself ;)
jamie

numbness
Posted by Broken Girl on Mon Aug 5 12:12:03 2002 (#5561)

I feel nothing. Numbness so large it over-runs all emotions I had left. Leaving me with an empty detachment. I have lost everything to depression; self-respect, friends, compassion, hope, love and now even feelings, even myself. My already shattered sense of self is snatched and replaced with an empty yet all-consuming numbness.
The only time I seem to feel is when I'm drunk, I mean really, really drunk. Not even getting stoned brings the feelings back to me, just drinking and cutting. Saturday night, at a party, got more drunk then I have ever before in my life. My friend (also drunk) tried to get me to make myself sick to sober me up a bit, but everytime she came near me I started cowering in the corner begging her not to hurt me. When she said 'no ones going to hurt you' I found myself whimpering 'dad did, dad hurt me'. I wouldn't let anyone near me. But dad never hit me, never once do I remember him hitting me.
See how f*cked up I am? If only I could feel again, even pain is preferable to this

Re: numbness
Posted by Dawn on Mon Aug 5 19:08:30 2002 (#5562)

Sweetie, I know how numbness feels. I was that way for years and I've done a lot of hard work, and cn finally say I have found a peace I thought I'd never feel. You are doing good work and one day it will all pay off. It is just a place you are at right now. But you cannot see what it will be like and that is unnerving. Please hang in there and keep talking about what happened. Talking about it will eventually set you free to move on on day. Then you will find yourself in another place. Better, everything will seem better.

I know this isn't real encouraging right now but as you heal it will become clearer. Just tie another knot in your rope and hang on a little longer. And pray for God to make the path ahead of you safe. It is important that you talk to Him all the time. It may seem to you that you are talking to an empty place, but that is just the devil trying to rob you of your Father in Heaven.

God understands. He is wise to the devil's ways.Just speak to Him like he is an invisible friend and ask Him to open you spiritual eyes and ears so that you will be strenghtened and encouraged along the way. Trust Him and he will show Himself to you. You will not see Him face to face but one day in Heaven you will know him because of his love for you. he died to save and heal you. Believe that and the road to healing will be smoother (still hard, but easier to cope with) Think of how it would be without God's Friendship. People will disappoint you, but God will not. When you are faithless He remain faithful to the end. And the ending of this life is the beginning of another. Love and hugs.. Dawn

Re: numbness
Posted by Kayleigh on Tue Aug 6 04:27:08 2002 (#5570)

I've been there so many times. I once got caught at a party with glass and I was so drunk I begged my friends to give me it back. I brought a glass from home...and too scared to break it myself...I asked my friend's kid brother to do it for me in exchange for vodka. He was 11. I also dropped bottles of alchol outside, pretendning to help pick it up and they searched me for glass...which I had hidden in my hand. When I'm around my friends...drunk, I act so much more fucked up than I am. I try and avoid it, but I actually enjoy it...I like the attention I get from them and I know it's pushing them away...but alcohol is my release when I can't cut. I need it sometimes. and It sucks.

I'm not much help, but I can relate.

Kayleigh

Disasociation, any info?
Posted by Broken Girl on Tue Aug 6 15:10:37 2002 (#5575)

I talked to my therapist yesterday about this detchment and numbness, she says its called disasociation, anyone have any info on this?
Ella x

Re: Disasociation, any info?
Posted by ~Lone WOlf~ on Tue Aug 6 23:04:58 2002 (#5588)

Plenty

Re: Disasociation, any info?
Posted by Broken Girl on Thu Aug 8 11:41:30 2002 (#5617)

What?

Re: Disasociation, any info?
Posted by ~Lone WOlf~ on Fri Aug 9 00:06:35 2002 (#5641)

ask me over e-mail

I feel so sick saying this
Posted by laura on Mon Aug 5 22:33:35 2002 (#5565)

I just feel so sick and stupid and i duno. Most of my scars are fading (apart from the ones that my doc said will never fade), anyone else would be happy about it but i feel really upset. I feel safe behind my scars. They are me. Without them i wont be me anymore, i know uyou'll all say i will be but i wont. I NEED my scars. Its not even like anyone at all but me see's them, i just feel so depressed about it. I duno, i must sound like a horrible person, well i know i am. Im a monster. Im so selfish etc etc etc. I duno wot to do. Why do i not want my scars to fade? Does anyone else feel the same? Plz dont reply anything horrible or i may just leave, im very sensetive! love laura xxx

Re: I feel so sick saying this
Posted by Dawn on Mon Aug 5 22:53:17 2002 (#5566)

You do not sound strange or sick for expressing your desire to see your scars and not wanting them to fade. Obviously you worked very hard at getting them. And they reflect the pain inside you. I'm not ashamed of my scars, and I dont worry about them at all. The onlyproblem I have with mine is that on my right arm there is so much scar tissue it is very difficult to cut across them. Then I get all bumbed out because I CAN'T Cut when I want too.

I'm trying hard not to encourage more cutting but if you want more noticable scars then you need to keep cutting.

I think I totally get the friendship with your scars. They are live billboards telling the world you are hurting, therefore when they fade it would seem to tell the world around you that you "felt bad in the past, but now you are ok. Only you are not ok and you want your scars to reflect your inner turmoil. Often times I've cut just to show the world my inner pain. They speak louder that I do that things are not ok with me. Is that what you see your scars doing? Keep writing how you feel. Chances are others here think and feel the same way. E-mail me if you like...Dawn love and hugs <3 always

Re: I feel so sick saying this (- I've been there)
Posted by murie on Mon Aug 5 23:49:30 2002 (#5567)

I totally ID with where you are coming from & I think you'll be suprised to discover that alot of ppl who SI have a special relationship with their scars. I'm in recovery from SI now & have felt sad when some of my scars have faded. My scars where like my expression on my body, I like them because I did them. In active SI-ing I used to cut directly over old scars to enhance them (not that I would encourage that).

What I sometimes do now is paint over my scars with body paints (all different colours) & then print the body paint onto paper to make a permanent record or the start of a new art piece (a kind of healthier way of expressing my inner scars) give it a try. Body paint feels quite self-soothing on the skin & is a good way of avoiding feelings of dissociation or "numbing out"
it works for me when I feel the "loss" of my scars.

I don't think you are sick, stupid or abnormal at all for liking your scars. The relationship you describe with your scars is a process. My scars (external scars) are important to me because through accepting my external scars I am able to accept my internal ones. Lately the fading of my scars too is an important process, as I allow my scars to fade, I allow myself freedom from obcessing & fixing on my pain & resentments in the past. (now you're going to think I'm weird eh?)

Re: I feel so sick saying this (- I've been there)
Posted by *Poison on Tue Aug 6 00:26:04 2002 (#5568)

i know how you feel about the fading scars, sometimes i cut just to create more scars, and sometimes my scars are what saves me from cutting, i find my scars beautiful and i don't know what i would do without them.

Amanda

Re: I feel so sick saying this
Posted by KAT on Tue Aug 6 20:53:55 2002 (#5586)

I used to like the way my scars were and how when I couldnt cut I could loook at them and feel comfort, that all chanegd when It got to the point where I couldnt hide my scars unless I was wearing completely long sleeve shirts, and it got to where it was hell. scars are what people know and think of me now, not me..they define me..It fucking sucks.
but dont feel bad Laura, your not sick at all
.
scars just remind you of what youve survived through in a way.
Im glad you updated your dj, I was worrying where you were.
*hugs*
KAT

Re: I feel so sick saying this
Posted by laura on Tue Aug 6 21:23:45 2002 (#5587)

hey thanx all of u, esp for not being horrible (not that u wud be, lol). It really helps me to know that im not alone and i dont feel so sick for liking my scars. Thanx, Laura xxx

well.....vacation thus far....
Posted by *Poison on Tue Aug 6 01:01:00 2002 (#5569)

well...vacation with my dad wasn't so bad, but now i'm on vacation with my mom and now i know why i wanna move in with my dad, which by the way is official now.. i am moving in. i pretty much slept all day my only solace from nagging family ugh...and i still have a week left to be with family....i just can't wait to go back to my dad's. all i've been thinking about for the last few days is cutting myself, and exactly how and where i am going to do it so that no one will notice. i stopped taking my meds, i'm sick of not feeling anything, and i want to see if i really do crash, who knows maybe i just think i have problems and i really don't. if i do start crashing i can always start taking them again. well i hope everyone is doing okay, it seems by the posts that you could all use a hug so here you go ((((HUGS))))

Amanda

Re: well.....vacation thus far....
Posted by Kayleigh on Tue Aug 6 04:33:45 2002 (#5572)

Family nagging...*grunts* Gonna be the death of me. Literally. Cutting where no one can see...harder than it sounds, huh? Certain places aren't good for me. Thighs and stomach mark in a bad way...they look stupid, so I avoid. I want to cut my arms...I really do, but I wear a t-shirt to work and my mom would know if I tried to wear a sweater.

I hope you're doing okay now.

Kayleigh

Re: well.....vacation thus far....
Posted by Broken Girl on Tue Aug 6 15:20:44 2002 (#5578)

Hi
At the moment I'm scared to spend time with my family, the more time I spend with them the more I hate them and the more I hate myself. Spend a day with them and I end up truley despising them, which scares me.
Hope things get better,
Love Ella x

right kind of help
Posted by Kayleigh on Tue Aug 6 04:40:06 2002 (#5573)

My uncle is a psychiatric nurse and came over today to help me get a job in that very area. We ended up talking...and I told him everything. Now, he's a great guy and I love him to bits, but he's getting really into this helping thing. When he talks, he sounds like my therapist...God, do they all have the same teacher? He's been great and all, but it's only made me more determined to cut. Is that totally wrong? People try and help and I make it worse? What's wrong with me?

I am emotionally numb. Crying in front of someone is my biggest fear. I dig my nails into my hands whenever I start to...I just can't. He wants me to express myself more, but I can't...I am unable to say what i really feel. Only here...to people I don't know with writing. I blame my parents, they never showed much emotion. I don't think I've ever heard someone say they love me and really mean it. I push anyone away who could get close now and I'm so scraed I'll die with no one who loves me. I've made my parents hate me and the rest of the family are following in suit and I'm going crazy locked in my room, I can't escape and if I don't leave soon I'll kill myself.

Crazy rant girl will now take a breather. Sorry.

Kayleigh

Re: right kind of help
Posted by Broken Girl on Tue Aug 6 15:16:22 2002 (#5577)

Hi
I know that feeling, my mum always telling me I could tell her anything, but her eyes undermined her words, she defyed me to make her out as a bad mother, I live in a family where you can talk all you like but don't feel anything, don't try to change anything and most of all forget everything, the past is off limits.
I cry when I'm alone.
Email me again, please, it might help, you never know... good luck,
peace, Ella x

Re: right kind of help
Posted by *Poison on Tue Aug 6 18:30:27 2002 (#5582)

well it's nice that you have an uncle in the field, when you're ready i'm sure he will be glad to help. and it sounds like you can trust him, seeing as you told him a bunch of stuff. maybe you can write your feelings and "accidently" drop them near him, or give him the psyke address...that way you don't have to directly tell him. but odf course that is oinly if you are ready! :)

Amanda

Feeling alone
Posted by ~Lone WOlf~ on Tue Aug 6 04:47:00 2002 (#5574)

Why do I always seem to pic the wrong guy? The one who is so far off from what I though...I seem to rush into a relationship....or can't even have one for very long. Expacting thats that are wrong....hurting him without even knowing it. Getting shut in the face and loosing a scrap of what little i have left....to be left alone cold as stone...on the ground....*sighs*
Fuck it with men. I give up.

Re: Feeling alone
Posted by Broken Girl on Tue Aug 6 15:12:04 2002 (#5576)

I know how you feel... I think it runs in my family.

Re: Feeling alone
Posted by *Poison on Tue Aug 6 18:33:12 2002 (#5583)

i know what you mean, me and men just don't get along, after i start going out with them they jsut seem like such a different person, and it's not even them who changes it's me who realizes who that person really is and then i drag myself through the relationship so i don't hurt him but then i do anyways because of who i am...

Amanda

auto-pilot
Posted by Broken Girl on Tue Aug 6 15:24:46 2002 (#5579)

I feel like I've locked myself into some little room in my head and my body is on auto-pilot, nothing is real. The world is grey, mute and numb. Keep getting attacks of rage in small over crowded shops, keep disasociating. cant go on with just two hours a night.

Re: auto-pilot
Posted by Agent23 on Tue Aug 6 17:03:28 2002 (#5581)

Life does seem on auto-pilot doesn't it? well, to me, it's a dream, a nightmare... fake. i guess thinking this way help me get on with the world easier... maybe? maybe not? I don't know...

Re: auto-pilot
Posted by she on Thu Aug 8 13:24:28 2002 (#5622)

god i Know what you mean its like life is just so tired and things can be so bad its better to just do stuff to not think about it or feel it because it means it can hurt you .
Love you Ella Just about to go and e mail you now.
{{{{{{{{many many hugz}}}}}}}}}
She

Re: auto-pilot
Posted by *Poison on Tue Aug 6 18:36:11 2002 (#5584)

i'm constantly in auto-pilot, not experiencing anything, just going through the motions, i also dissociate, it's weird, nothing seems real, i could be in my room where i spend most of my time and i can not grasp anything, nothing seems...well..real...like it's all some fantasy world...it's hard to describe..that's one reason why i cut myself, to actually feel something. get out of auto pilot for a few moments.

Amanda

At lost...
Posted by Agent23 on Tue Aug 6 16:58:00 2002 (#5580)

i've never been so depressed... i couldn't even bring myself to school today but i did...and once again putting on a mask; no one noticed my cuts nor bruises again...typical... my friend bought me 2 hamsters to keep me company n to keep me from tormenting myself... but i wish she hadn't... she made me feel even more guilty as i can't stop cutting, i just can't... i know she cares about me and all but there must me something in me that prevents me from trusting anyone... help?

Re: At lost...
Posted by KAT on Tue Aug 6 19:51:44 2002 (#5585)

have you considering getting help?
cutting will kill you..no lie.

please stay safe, I dont know what to say sorry..Im very fucked up these days.
take care
Im thinking about you

KAT

Re: At lost...
Posted by ~Lone WOlf~ on Tue Aug 6 23:31:12 2002 (#5589)

You should try and get some help...do you really have anybody to talk to? That helps alot.
Ah...keep in touch. I have more idea's i'm just at a loss for words at the moment.

Re: At lost...
Posted by Jules on Wed Aug 7 11:53:41 2002 (#5598)

hi
its hard i know, ive been doing it for 4yrs, i threw my blade away about a month ago, i missed it alot, so i bought another one yesterday, its soo hard, but i know that you have to be strong, & to give up cutting, you have to want to give up cutting, if you want to email me, please feel free, im unshockable.

Re: At lost...
Posted by Broken Girl on Thu Aug 8 11:46:38 2002 (#5618)

Hi
I know, friends can't always understand. Ok, I'm gonna try and be helpful but I'm just coming out of a panick attack so I'm very jumpy.
Got a school councellor, or even community councellor people who visit the school? thats how I got free councelling. But if not, then a doctor? I don't know about them much, never been. But try and find some one to talk to, cutting is too big to carry all by yourself with no one to talk to.
Email me anytime at all, I know how you feel all too well,
Ella x

Saying Goodbye
Posted by Dawn on Wed Aug 7 05:48:37 2002 (#5592)

The time has come the walrus said.... I'm no walrus but I feel like it is time for me to say good-bye. I've been coming here for almost a year and a half and in that time I fell I have helped a number of people as I shared what wisdom I have gleaned from my own recovery with whomever needed it.

But today Agent23 posted and two people responded to her post that she needed to seek out help. I started to respond with one of my little lectures, then thought better of it and went back to the index without finishing my response. I am very depressed and feel like I haven't anything helpful to give.

I know how difficult it is to seek help. But it is necessary if we really want our lives to change. I believe most of us on this board want to stop cutting and start living their live without all the pain involved. I had to make my recovery my #1 priority years ago. I ate up everything I could get my hands on from Libraries, book stores (new and used), I've written my memories in journals, compiled a list of sexual offenders and created a time line so I could visualize just what my problems are so would have a better sense what made me as messed (fucked) up as I was.

When I did my work it was the most dificult thing I had had to do since leaving my children to live life the way they wanted to live it with their dad. I actually had to relive every trauma that I had ever survived. I also had to speak the truth to my family. What I could not do was to convince my sisters that my life was different than what they grew up with. Several of my rapes happen right in front of their eyes by men they had brought home. They found it very hard to believe and took quite a lot to convince them what I said happened happened. It was actually easier to convince the Air Force commander at the Airbase in my home town than it was to convince my oldest sister who took home movies of the gathering while the rape was happening. I am afraid those movies wont colaborate my story, but I still hold to the truth because I know I didn't just go along with.

I guess I expect the same resolve from all of you. But because I know how dificult I try to be easier on you than I was on myself. The way I went about my recovery was too hard. I was like a mad dog with fresh meat. Not heallthy in the least.

I do not want to be like a trail boss so I figure I should back while you all are still in one piece.

However, as I've been typing this goodbye I've been reminded of a Bible story from years ago. In the story God told Abraham he was going to destroy the earth. Abraham bargained with God asking that if there were a certain number of people who would call on the name of the Lord he would save the earth. Slowly the number droppe until the Lord said that is enough. So I will stay if 5 people ask that I stay and I will give this 3 days just incase some one is on vacation or holiday.

It is your call. What shall it be. Should I stay of leave. Respone on the board please. And thank you...love and hugs Dawn

Re: Saying Goodbye
Posted by ~C~ on Wed Aug 7 06:22:55 2002 (#5593)

don't leave. i know i rarely post, but reading your posts makes me feel better. a bit of inspiration *sp?* if you will. so, yea. Stay!

Re: Saying Goodbye
Posted by KAT on Wed Aug 7 06:47:31 2002 (#5594)

Dawn, I dont feel right telling you that you should stay here or leave her. its up to you.. you make the choice.
know in the past I might have persuaded you in one direction but from reading that post it is obvious that you fully understand your presenece here. so please feel free to do whats best for you.
we have enjoyed you here..
love kat

Re: Saying Goodbye
Posted by Agent23 on Wed Aug 7 12:10:15 2002 (#5599)

i agree with kat, stay or leave it's up to you... i'm new here, but not new to the pain... i guess u took notice of me as i saw my name. you said that people responded to me, so i'm responding to you to make sure that everything goes round and hopefully helps. if you'd stay, i would get to know you better...

Agent23

Re: Saying Goodbye
Posted by scaredinthedark on Wed Aug 7 20:26:15 2002 (#5600)

dawn, i agree with kat too. it really is up to you if you want to leave or go. if you do go i just want you to know that you have helped me very much. i loved how you posted to my responses and made me understand and see clearly. you have never been a negative influence on anyone here i believe. i'm sure everyone will miss you if you choose to leave. i know i will. so whatever you think will be good for you, i'll back you up 100%. take care. <3 always and forever,
scaredinthedark

Re: Saying Goodbye
Posted by *Poison on Thu Aug 8 01:32:19 2002 (#5608)

just as many of the people before me have posted i will miss you if you leave, your presence here is one of the things that keeps me comming back, just to see your response to everyone's post, and it's really lifts me up, because evenm if you are having the hardest time you always have a helpful word to say to everyone. it ultimately is your choice and i hope you don't stay just because everyone tells you to you should really think about what's best for you.

Amanda

Re: Saying Goodbye
Posted by ~Lone WOlf~ on Thu Aug 8 22:57:28 2002 (#5634)

I wish for you to stay Dawn, but like the others have said, We can not make You do anything. I've actually found that I have helped someone out here...which saprizes me. But It's wonderful to know that I can bring peace to someone. I hope that at some point I can bring some peace to you, but if you have to leave to find peace, then I wish you the best of luck in your journey. *sighs deeply*
~lone~

sudden feelings
Posted by KAT on Wed Aug 7 07:45:04 2002 (#5595)

things will be going great and I feel happy and loved and then the next minute, Ill think to myself, dperession has won the batttle over my life, I want to die right now...just kill myself, and I seriously consider it.
its scary..I know I am manic and have other mental illnesses but its stil scary. I dont know what to do.. Im just scared.
I dont like thinking that way, but at the moment I really feel at peace with dying.
and leaveing everyone who knws me to wonder why I left so suddenly when I was doing so well..I guess that sounds crazy. sorry
KAT

Sweetie, I've struggled with that same thing
Posted by Dawn on Wed Aug 7 08:18:44 2002 (#5596)

It is scarry to be so accepting when thoughts of suicide came into my head was beyond my comprehension. It sounded easier than it really was. I attempted suicide almost every week until the head psychaitrist at the the mental health clinic in Redding, California, USA threatened to put me in a group home. That was enough of a threat that I got my shit together and stayed that way until my younger daughter called me and said she needed her mother. I was amazed at how quickly I could tighten the reigns and get the hell out of there. I like my independence too much to risk losing it.

I hope you find something Kat that will put the scare into your situation so that you do not have to face a future behind bars and plastic dinnerware. Remember you are my friend and I would hate to lose you... Love much Dawn

hi
Posted by Jules on Wed Aug 7 11:47:18 2002 (#5597)

hi kat
i totally understand where u are coming from, i have that feeling, where i want to die, & i want them to also though discover what was really happening with me. but i think to myself then, well if i die, i will never know then whether they missed me or were curious to understand what happened. its maybe better to let them see u & understand u while the communication is still possible. get stronger ok, you have my total support, & remember the times when are happy, & think about what you are doing right now, would you want to leave everything, all you earned in life. email me if you wish to, im unshockable

Re: sudden feelings
Posted by *Poison on Thu Aug 8 01:44:55 2002 (#5610)

i am also bipoler (along with borderline)so i can relate to the ups and downs. they ahppen to me everyday it's like a giant rollercoaster that never ends. i hope that you are feeling better. embrace the good times.

Amanda

Re: sudden feelings
Posted by Broken Girl on Thu Aug 8 11:51:18 2002 (#5619)

Hi Kat,
I'd hate to lose you, you are such a wonderful person, and have stopped me from killing myself many many times. I know its hard, suicide is in my thoughts all the time, lurking always. Please email me, we havn't talked in a while, love you loads,
(((((((((((((((((((((((HUGS) ))))))))))))))))))))))
Ella x

Thank You All... I'm Staying
Posted by Dawn on Wed Aug 7 22:50:25 2002 (#5601)

I love all of you. Most of you don't post your email address so there is no other way for me to chat with you. I really feel bad about that because I would like to get to know each of you on a more personal basis. I understand how it is important for many of you to keep your secret secret and that your computers tale tales. I wish that wasn't a problem, but it is.

We all have one thing in common, SI. You know its weird... when I cut I don't think of it as a negative thing. Self Injury seems so violent, but when I cut it isn't violent. But then there are murderers who kill very methodically making it not seem violent. But no matter whether it is violent or not the act itself is VIOLENT BY NATURE.

Many people have came on this board and romantize bleeding and seem to count it a treasure to bleed all over their bed or even their entire room. But I know that it is not romantic or a treasure. And I know that it is important to call a spade a spade. We are being violent toward our bodies.

My body is only a prop to execute punishment on because none of the people who hurt me is present. Someone should be punished and I'm the only one here. That is bad. I was a victim...my body was innocent. Yet I punish my body for atracting perverts, bad people. According to my mother I was BAD because I spilled her coffee, I did things too slow, and not the way she would do it. And I made her look bad because I ran away from home. Good thing she didn't know I was a thief. She would have really wailed on my for that and yet I saw her walk away with things in my hand. Like an iron one day from the Salvation Army. Grant it she didn't do it on purpose, but when she remembered not paying for it she just laughed it off. She never knew I stored that fact away in my brain to justify my shoplifting.

You may be wondering what it is exactly I'm ranting about. But I don't see it as ranting. I see it as making a point that foremost I punish my body when I cut on myslef. I also would like to place the blame on others for teaching me wrong things, as well as mimize cutting by calling it a prop or substitute for someone else, and to justify my behavior. But bottom line I self injure because I choose to and it is a very violent behavior that none of us deserve. It is only by seeing it for what it is can we change our behavior and stop injuring our bodies and save it from further punishment.

I am asking all of you to remind me of that truth whenever you notice me minimizing the behavior or blaming it of somehing or someone other than myself. I believe the only way I am going to stop cutting for good is to be held accountable for it. Thank you for your help.
...Dawn

Re: Thank You All... I'm Staying
Posted by scaredinthedark on Wed Aug 7 23:04:16 2002 (#5602)

hi dawn, i'm so happy you are staying. i promise any time you belittle yourself and blame self harm on sumthin else i'll remind you. thank you for staying. take care. <3 always and forever,
scaredinthedark

Re: Thank You All... I'm Staying
Posted by scaredinthedark on Wed Aug 7 23:05:20 2002 (#5603)

Re: Thank You All... I'm Staying
Posted by *Poison on Thu Aug 8 01:42:32 2002 (#5609)

i'm glad you have decided to stay and i am willing to help you in anyway that you think you would benefit from. ((((hugs)))) good luck on your queest to stop cutting :)

Amanda

Re: Thank You All... I'm Staying
Posted by Broken Girl on Thu Aug 8 11:54:15 2002 (#5620)

I'm glad your staying, the board needs people like you,
Love Ella x

Re: Thank You All... I'm Staying
Posted by ~Lone WOlf~ on Thu Aug 8 23:08:53 2002 (#5635)

Guess My other post was really late. Sorry. I'm glad your staying though. I'll try and remember to scold you. -_-
Lone

Re: Thank You All... I'm Staying
Posted by she on Fri Aug 9 11:33:38 2002 (#5643)

Hiya Dawn
Ohhh im soooooooo glad your not going you make me think alot about the things im doing which helps so much.Your name has allways been on the bord somewhere ever since the first time i came on here i can remember all the way through that time how greatfull everyone has been of you being around psyke really wouldnt be the same without you .
{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{huge huggle}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}
{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{big cuggle}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}
If you ever want to email me the_sweet_Addi ction@hotmail.com i would love to here from you
Peace huggles and much love
She

car crash + many messages
Posted by she on Wed Aug 7 23:25:34 2002 (#5604)

ohh man ive been away for a little while i was in a really bad car accident so i havent been able to get on here and ive just got on theres like 500 new mesages :S and i feel sooo bad eeekkk im gonna try to reply to most of them but if i cant im thinking of you all so so much and huge huge
{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{huggles}}}} }}}}}}}}}}
{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{more huggles}}}}}}}}}}}}}}
And {{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{really big hugzz}}}}}}}}}}}}}
She*

Re: car crash + many messages
Posted by Dawn on Thu Aug 8 00:05:26 2002 (#5605)

I missed you. I am sorry about your car crash. Hope you are ok now. Love and Hugs ....Dawn

Ps don't worry about responding to mine. Just having you back is enough for me.

Re: car crash + many messages
Posted by KAT on Thu Aug 8 00:30:06 2002 (#5606)

omg
thats very scary.
someone very close to me was also recently in a terrible car accident, its soo scary.. Im so glad you are alright. Dont worry about all the posts. Ive been wondering where you were at.
take care
*hugs*
KAT

Re: car crash + many messages
Posted by *Poison on Thu Aug 8 01:48:46 2002 (#5611)

i hope you are alright! and don't worry about the messages no one here requires you to respond to them, and plus you need to take care of yourself first don't worry about the messages just start new. if you'd liek you could read the messages so that you are up to date, but i wouldn't worry about responding to all of them.

Amanda

((((((((((((((((((((((((((((HUGS))))))))))))))))))
Posted by Broken Girl on Thu Aug 8 11:39:45 2002 (#5616)

Oh, she, I've been missing you!
(((((((((((((((((((((((((((( ((((((((((HUGS)))))))))))))))) ))
Don't worry about the messages, just get better, ok? How are you feeling now? Are you alright?
I've missed you, Love Ella x

Re: ((((((((((((((((((((((((((((HUGS))))))))))))))
Posted by she on Thu Aug 8 13:19:50 2002 (#5621)

wow
What can I say thankyou all so much reading all your responses made me all emotinal thankyou soooo sooo much .
Loads of huggles Ive missed you all loads to its really good to be back.
Huggles and cuggles
She

Re: ((((((((((((((((((((((((((((HUGS))))))))))))))
Posted by *me* on Thu Aug 8 21:00:09 2002 (#5628)

Hey I'm glad you are ok!! Welcome back to the board..and don't worry about responding to the messages! We're all just glad that you're alive and still here with us. :) Take care!!

Re: ((((((((((((((((((((((((((((HUGS))))))))))))))
Posted by ~Lone WOlf~ on Thu Aug 8 23:16:04 2002 (#5636)

Welcome back...don't worry about my posts either.

sorry *NM*
Posted by . on Thu Aug 8 00:45:05 2002 (#5607)

The New Patient of the Infamous Mr. Punnet
Posted by mego on Thu Aug 8 07:45:56 2002 (#5612)

who is this punked out girl//the crazy one, yeah, what's her problem??//the one who's angry with the world//and who says she doesn't really need him//she's the one who only needs her boys//and the chick with big green eyes//the one who never shared her toys//and who tells it straight, no bullshit lies??//we know she's a stoner//and chills with all the burnouts//we heard she used to be a loner//the victim of taunts and shouts//rumor has it that shes a tweaker//and into some crazy-ass drugs//but we've heard she's also a heavy sleeper//and gets high off feeling pure love//they say she loves the feel of skin//and the sense of being in control//but she loves the rush involved with sin//and always lets the good times roll//we hear she's more laid back//than she used to be//but he just can't get her to relax//she screams her insecurity//she's got that one older guy//who's trying to figure her out//the one who's always by her side//and feels her fears in her shout.//he knows of some big, dark secret//the one she refuses to tell//she says its not that he wouldn't keep it//she just wants him to think shes well//she keeps up with even the very best//with jokes and insults to trade//and never gives her mouth a rest//she's always got something new to say//but she never says anything in school//with authority lurking and watching near by//she doesn't care about being cool//but hates when people see her cry//he thinks shes starting to get tired//and says she cries all the time//as one of her best friends--he's been hired//but doesn't want a single dime//he told us "she's an interesting person//'and can be quite manipulative//'she's afraid of being a burden//and a low-life burnt-out pig"//she means well with her mean looks//they're meant to be a smile//but she can remember hiding behind her books//and has flash backs every once in a while//thats when she lies down at night//and cries like she did when she was younger//sane vs. crazy, a never ending fight//but every time she wins she grows stronger//her mom wants her to settle down//and spend more time at home//but somehow he misses having her around//and is afraid for her when she's alone.//she says that she gets scared//but she doesn't know the mauky-luck//something inside her needs to be repaired//because she thinks she's running low on luck//sweat sometimes runs down her confused face//and her jaw will drop to the floor//they know she's coming out of the days sweet daze//and try to talk her into more//they love the drug-induced smile//and hate how hard she comes down//they ask her to stay for a little while//so she doesn't return to the ground//something about her is a little mysterious//she doesn't trust as much as she should//she rarely gets to talk real serious//and almost wishes she could//she says shes got a golden rule//"live your life day by day//there is no popular there is no cool//live in your own way"//they put her in the classes with the honor roll group//because they say she's inteligent//but we saw her in the toy store with that hula-hoop//so we know that can't be what they really meant//she's got a plan to leave this town//to run away and start again//some pray for her to lift off the ground//grow wings and fly to heaven//her mom prays that she'll settle down//and go back to her boring old ways//seh wants her to take a good look around//and miss the "good old days"//her dad and her don't get along//and everyone knows it for a fact//something between them is terribly wrong//but she has to live with that//her younget brother is a little nark//and low enough to lie//about all her wareabouts//he enjoies seeing her cry//we've talked to her old, old friends//and they think they're too good to care//"Megan became independent, it had to end"//"And she, like, really needs to cut her hair"//sometimes we think she's freefalling//and we know she loves the rush//she loves the sunrise but mr. sandman's calling//and he whispers for her to hush//every once in a while//they'll think she needs affection//then they'll beg her to give them one little smile//and she does to avoid the attention//she says nobody has to know//about the scars she trys to hide//"it was a long time ago//i don't need to confide"//she has too many sides to get her straight//and too many seasons in her fifteen years//she's hiding the reason she has a hate//for other people's fears//she gets this look in her eyes//and we can tell shes feelin sad//when someone tries to realize//the pain they think she once had//she covers it up good, a master of deception//and smiles for her audience//she goes on stage without detection//and with the fools joins the dance//she floats through life, more than "just getting by"//and we notice she doesn't seem to mind//that most of us don't care why//or where or when she begins to fall behind//he knows that little stoner chick//better than she knows herself at the prestent time//he thinks he's finally found the trick//to make her stop playing the mime//she needs something that can't be found//and everyone's gotta know its her dream//for everything to come back around//and for things to be what she wants them to seem//so who is that little punk-ass//with the hint of mischif in her eyes//a load of sarcasm in her laugh//who likes to pretend she never cries??//rumor has it she's everything//that we've heard in the halls//but he've heard that she's nothing//and they were all lies after all//so we watch her stare at the sky//laying on her back with a blazed-up smile//while one more session passes her by//he thinks he'll figure her out after a while

wow!! congrats to all those who made it through. that is the product of my tweaked-out mind. hope you enjoyed it. have a nice evening.

Re: The New Patient of the Infamous Mr. Punnet
Posted by KAT on Thu Aug 8 08:25:43 2002 (#5613)

wow I really enjoyed reading that
that was goood
!!
love you
kat

Re: The New Patient of the Infamous Mr. Punnet
Posted by Broken Girl on Thu Aug 8 11:36:59 2002 (#5615)

Wow, thats so cool! I love it.
Ella x

Wow!
Posted by Sam on Thu Aug 8 20:08:53 2002 (#5626)

That's incredible! Keep it up, you've got real talent!

Sam

Re: Wow!
Posted by she on Fri Aug 9 11:39:07 2002 (#5644)

wow
That was so wonderfull .
Thankyou for sharing
She

Re: The New Patient of the Infamous Mr. Punnet
Posted by *me* on Thu Aug 8 21:02:45 2002 (#5629)

WOW you wrote that?? That's AWESOME. I'm impressed. Thanks for sharing your talent with us. :)

Re: The New Patient of the Infamous Mr. Punnet
Posted by ~Lone WOlf~ on Thu Aug 8 23:43:04 2002 (#5637)

It's beautiful.

Wow!!! Intense *NM*
Posted by Dawn on Fri Aug 9 03:29:42 2002 (#5642)

wowee
Posted by Jamie on Sat Aug 10 07:57:29 2002 (#5655)

shit you are an incredible writer and very perceptive, i hope you're doing something with your talent..the way you can write is really rare...props to that, it was intense
luv jamie

moving out, can't stay any longer *trigger*
Posted by Broken Girl on Thu Aug 8 11:30:56 2002 (#5614)

I'm moving out. As soon as I get home I'm gonna ring the info line and find out about accomadation for under 16s, I can't stay there anymore. They are killing me. I just can't cope. Oh god, what am I going to do? If I don't get out soon, I'm gonna kill myself, I think thats what she wants. The bitch. I hate her so much, she wants me dead. But I cant stay, I just can't... *shaking, shaking*, ok, right, ummm, when I calm down, I'll find a solution, Just got to calm down before the panick attack gets hold. *shaking* I can't do this, I'm so sorry. Breathe breathe, sorry about this post, but I had to do something, I'm either gonna kill myself or run away, but staying isn't an option. I can't do it anymore.

Re: moving out, can't stay any longer *trigger*
Posted by KAT on Thu Aug 8 14:17:28 2002 (#5624)

i feel the same way, Ill be 18 in about 6 months and I have to move out, theres no way I can take it anymore, it might be a tough world and it might be a bad decision but its better then death.
please take care , you are a very special person. I understand how tough it is, Im sure a lot of us do in a way.
*so many hugs*
love kat

Re: moving out, can't stay any longer *trigger*
Posted by Sam on Thu Aug 8 20:11:36 2002 (#5627)

I'm so sorry you have to go through sh*t like this, but PLEASE don't be too rash. I know you wan to get away, but TAKE CARE OF YOURSELF. It makes me shudder when people talk about killing themselves, even though it crosses my mind quite often.

Take care,

Sam

Running away is dangerous
Posted by Dawn on Thu Aug 8 22:54:48 2002 (#5633)

I ran away 9 times in less than 4 years. I was drugged, raped, paid after a couple rapes and walked away feeling like I had prostituted myself even though I had not even wanted to have sex.

I know now that staying home would have been safer. But like you I just couldn't stand being around my mother any longer, but it never ocurred to me to kill myself. If I had I would have killed myself after being paid after those two rapes.

Please try to find a safe home. They have them here in the United States Of America. If they do not have them where you live call the police and ask them where you can go to be safe since you are not safe in your home.

Please do not just leave without a plan. Men tell you lies to get you under their roof then when bedtime comes the true plan comes out and you've fallen for the snake with one thing on his mind. They are so krafty, liers every one. I've seen so many women who were caught in evil traps.

Do not tell anyone the time if they ask. It is just their way of getting you off guard so they have a chance to grap you. Do not get in the car with strangers you never know what they have up their sleeves. Stay on guard at all times. It is dangerous on the streets. Remember Stafety First. Love and Hugs
Dawn

Re: moving out, can't stay any longer *trigger*
Posted by Kayleigh on Fri Aug 9 00:01:05 2002 (#5640)

I feel the same way. I'm 19 and I'm stuck in my house because I've got myself into so much debt, I'll never have enough money to leave. It a horrible thing living at home when your parents arn't understanding. I don't know hyow bad things are for you, but I often want to die because my mom makes me feel that bad. I swear to myself I'll get out, but when logic comes back, I reliase there's no way out until I can afford it.

Try and numb yourself from the pain for now. Remember, the day you leave to get your own place will be the day you realise you made it, no matter how hard things got and you are finally safe and free. That's gotta be a good feeling.

Kayleigh

Re: moving out, can't stay any longer *trigger*
Posted by she on Fri Aug 9 11:47:44 2002 (#5645)

Ella
Its so wrong that you have to got through this please please make sure you do it safely I did run away several times when i was your age and it seamedto be ok for a while but them my past would catch up with me 10 times worse then it was to start with .If you ar4e gonna do it then please make sure you have somewhere to stay someone i know said its practicly impossible to get a place in care but there are some really good youth hostles .
Thinking of you loads and loads
Stay safe
She
I tryed to email you back about 10 times but my thing dosent appear to be working but i miss you loads and loads to {{{{{{huggle}}}}}I'll try again soon

reality
Posted by sarah on Thu Aug 8 19:07:37 2002 (#5625)

somethings are so real,
its what makes us fall,
fall from the clouds where life is so sweet,
and tumble helplessy into that pit where there is no way out,
climb all u like up the sharp stoney walls,
but all that will come of it are the deep gashes on ur arms,
some of us give up and die but the rest still climb,
those who reach the top hold the scars of strength,
thinking they had finaly escaped to point of no return,
they trip and fall back into that lonely hole,
but just maybe a time will come when we can fall no more????

Reality...good writing... but sad *NM*
Posted by Dawn on Thu Aug 8 22:27:10 2002 (#5632)

Re: Reality...good writing... but sad
Posted by Kayleigh on Thu Aug 8 23:55:55 2002 (#5638)

That's beautiful. It's so great we can express ourselves with art sometimes. Poetry and literature are a big help to me, and an amazing amount of SI's. Any expression, other than cutting obviously, is good. So stick with it. You're very talented.

Kayleigh

oil of olay commercial..this actually is relevant!
Posted by *me* on Thu Aug 8 21:08:49 2002 (#5630)

Haha..I know that totally sounds really off topic. But it's not!! Has anyone seen that commercial, it's for this new oil of olay thingy called OHM..and the advertisement of it is that "HOW YOU LOOK ON THE OUTSIDE REFLECTS HOW YOU FEEL ON THE INSIDE." And every time I see that commericial I just think of us and SI. Cuz isn't that the total truth, when you think about it? It is for me, anyway. I feel hurt and scarred on the inside and to make it bearable I SI..hence the "reflection." Am I making sense? Anway, yeah, just wanted to share my little mind blurb. Everyone take care of yourselves and stay safe!!!

It is true....but
Posted by Dawn on Thu Aug 8 22:24:45 2002 (#5631)

you do not need to rush out and buy Oil of Olay. I have scars on my arms from cutting and I don't wear long sleeve tops to hide them. I am not embarrased about my scars. I believe God loves me. I accept the truth that He loves me unconditionally. My friends see my scars and yet they remain my friends. Why is that you may ask? It is because they have love and accept me for the me I am, outside as well as inside. I believe if you can grasp that you are likeable, lovable, and accepted just as you are then it matters not if your scars show.

Right now I have a bandaid on my newest wound I don't consciously wear clothes that hide it, but there are times when I do wear clothes that hide it, not because I'm ashamed of it but because other people may say something, or are not sure what to say.

I catch people's eyes seeing my scarred arm and I speak up and tell them "This is what I do when I get upset" and by being ok with talking about it they feel less unconfortable about me catching the shift in our conversation.

But that is me.. and I'm 50 years old and most of my scars are faded because of age, and most importantly I'm not a teenager who has to hide scars from parents who do not understand.
I hope I didn't tick anyone off by my opinion. If I did please know that I mean nobody harm I am simply giving my opinion that we do not need to protect ourselves from the stinging barbs of other people's mind-set that says we are crazy for SI. I hope you all have a good day :-) Dawn

Re: It is true....but
Posted by Jamie on Thu Aug 8 23:56:09 2002 (#5639)

hey dawn, i really like what you have to say about that and how much courage you have to be so comfortable around people...but also i don't think she meant that she was gonna go but oil of olay stuff. :)
hugs, jamie

A Song
Posted by Scratches On The Surface on Sat Aug 10 01:30:19 2002 (#5646)

I was listening to the lyrics of this song today, and it made me think of self-injury. not so much in the physical sense, but as the way I see my razor blades. not sure if anyone else will see it that way, but just thought I'd post it. so, here goes.

Creed
My Sacrifice

Hello my friend we meet again
it's been a while where should we begin...feels like forever
within my heart are memories
of perfect love that you gave to me
i remember

when you are with me
i'm free...i'm careless...i believe
above all the others we'll fly
this brings tears to my eyes
my sacrifice

we've seen our share of ups and downs
oh how quickly life can turn around in an instant
it feels so good to reunite
within yourself and within your mind
let's find peace there

when you are with me
i'm free...i'm careless...i believe
above all the others we'll fly
this brings tears to my eyes
my sacrifice

i just want to say hello again

How uncanny
Posted by Dawn on Sat Aug 10 03:29:08 2002 (#5648)

You are right. On this board the words ring true.
But how sad that the do. I read over and over again about SI in songs I never heard before. I guess it is because I listen to songs about Christ and how He hold my life in the palms of his hands. It is so much better to listen to how He loves me than to listen through ears that are sensitive to pain and suffering. I feel sad that your friend is your SI. For me its something I run to when pain is too much to bear. Which tells me I'm not giving Jesus Christ the chance to catch me when I fall. He is the best friend I have and everyone can be friends with Him. They only need to invite Him in their hearts to fill that empty void. He is not just God in the bad times. He is also God of the good times too.

Thank you for helping me remember that I have not come through my recovery through SI as my friend, but with a personal relationship with the King of Kings. You can have Him by yourside just open up your heart and He will be not just a friend, but a Counselor and Healer, and anything else you need. When I am suffering He holds me tight and wipes my tears away and fills my empty heart.Thank You Jesus for being everything I need.

Re: How uncanny
Posted by she on Sat Aug 10 14:53:06 2002 (#5660)

i lurrrvv that song

Re: How uncanny
Posted by Rhonda on Sat Aug 10 19:19:42 2002 (#5663)

Creed is one of the groups that I really like.
My daughters have the CD's and I've burned them
off for me. That is a neat song. Take care
Love, Rhonda