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Threads 1201 to 1225

Oh yeah
Posted by ~Lone WOlf~ on Wed Aug 14 23:41:47 2002 (#5759)

Just to let anyone know....I do have MSN. If you want that e-mail just ask me.
Later,
Lone

Thank you
Posted by rick on Thu Aug 15 03:14:18 2002 (#5774)

Last night was a long night, I discovered that my daughter was hurting herself and I really didn't know where to go. I had no idea what it meant, why she was doing it or where we were going from here. To be honest, my wife and I thought she was trying to kill herself.

I did a gogle search and wound up here this morning. I read down the column a little and posted a couple of questions. I never would have imagined the response.

I discovered that many of you who answered are mired in your own problems. You have family situations that I have only read about. Yet, you took the time to answer my concerns the best you could. I want to thank you.

Also, I'll tell you this. I was able to talk with her a little more on the way home from dinner this evening. I explained that what she was doing had a name (SI) and that she wasn't alone. I told her I wasn't angry but concerned for her safety. I didn't expect her to want to talk about it and she didn't, but she didn't deny either. She did say that none of her friends did this and that it was the first time. I know that's BS, but at least we're talking.

You guys are great! I'm not a psych, but I've learned a couple things in 45 years. No matter how dark things seem, there IS a light at the end of the tunnel. (no, it's not an on-comming train!) As you get older you'll gain far more control over your own life. Hang in there, it does get better! I attached my e-mail this time and I'll check in now and then to let you know how we're doing.

Rick

Re: Thank you
Posted by ~Lone WOlf~ on Thu Aug 15 05:09:44 2002 (#5777)

Your welcome....come around more often. It's nice to see a guy here.
Lone

Re: Thank you
Posted by *me* on Thu Aug 15 20:45:10 2002 (#5790)

Your welcome..I hope things go well for her and for you. It's a great little community/family we have here. Really, feel free to have her come on here if you/she want, or even come here just for you. We try to help as much as possible. I've been coming here for almsost two years, and believe me, even if the names change the feeling is always the same - one of support and love for one another. Good luck again.

Re: Thank you
Posted by Rhonda on Fri Aug 16 02:01:22 2002 (#5798)

Good luck Rick! I hope you know you can always come here for help if you need to. You might also
show this site to your daughter and let her she
if maybe someone here could help her also. Of course, if she doesn't want to talk right now, it
may not be a good idea for her to post. She may
think you would read what she wrote and some kids
don't really want that to happen. Anyway, take
things slow and easy and remember, I'm always
around if you want to email me. Take care of your
family.
Love, Rhonda

Re: Thank you
Posted by Erryn on Fri Aug 16 02:02:11 2002 (#5799)

i hope everything works out, she should be blessed to have parents like you take care xxxErryn

Re: Thank you
Posted by rick on Fri Aug 16 13:35:03 2002 (#5804)

Sorry I haven't been able to get back, my business has been keeping me tied up. I read all your comments and again, "thanks".

Really, I'm not the type to spend a lot of time in forums like this. Make that any time. But, I am drawn back by your unbelievable sense of caring. Honestly, I've never seen anything like it. It kind of reminds me of that song "Rainy Day People".

I did think about giving my daughter the address of this forum. I'm not going to do that right now.

First, and maybe some of you are running into this problem, chat seems to be quite addictive for a 14 y/o girl. I have come out into the living room at 2 and 3:00AM to find her on the computer. Right now, we are trying to get her to spend less time on the computer. Sorry, if I'm stepping on toes, but I don't think it's healthy to live your life inside a computer. You have to get out.

Second, I don't think she would post freely on a forum that she knows I'm visiting. We are communicating, but there's no way she's going to want me to know everything. When I talked to her about some of the advice you guys gave me, she asked "what's your handle?" I got the distinct impression that she was already on some group. So, Jen, if you are out there, "HI!"

Third, there's that trigger thing. See, I have been paying attention. Many of you have said that you thought that we found out early. If this is true, I really don't want her to get more ideas. Is this reasonable or do you think she'll do what she's going to do not matter what?

Sorry for rambling on. Like I said, I'm not the kind of person who would ordinarily spend time here. Ussually, I just check my mail and read the news.

I'll be honest. I have this weird feeling that somewhere along the line I might be able to help someone here. I guess that's weird, but really, my heart breaks when I read some of the things on this board. Nobody should have to be in that kind of pain, and I just KNOW there's got to be a way out. I'm from a different generation, so sorry if all this sounds strange. Well, I really do have to get back to work.

Rick

Re: Thank you2, Responce To Rick
Posted by ~Lone WOlf~ on Sat Aug 17 08:52:28 2002 (#5815)

Wierd....that word is just as odd as using the word Normal.

And Yes. Jen WILL do things even without being prevoked...or as your worried about, Triggered.

It is true the internet seems to be adicting. But Now i've learned it's not even three times as bad as sugar. Read the labels, i bet you everything you daughter and you consumes conatains it. And I bet at least two of your five sugar levels are blown. *Sorry* this is a new thing i'm getting into that is seeming to help me.
My parents have set a One in a half Hour Time limit on me...and most of the time I abide by it. You'll figure it out.

Second, My dad comes on here, sometimes posts, but mostly reads...some of my stuff, i'm not shure if all. But I don't really seem to mind. I still post this stuff. Regardless. You let her know your checking...she'll post as much as she finds comfortable. And you never know...both of you might learn something.

Helping feels good doesnt it? Well guess what...you will help. After you help yourself.
Later, Lone

night sky
Posted by Broken Girl on Thu Aug 15 16:00:09 2002 (#5783)

Staring at the sky, dark and knowing above me, my eyes wonder from star to star, sun to sun. Constellations and planets stare down on me. I am so small. We all are. The fire burns behind me and conversation and laughter fill the background. A tear slips down my cheek, tear of happiness? a tear of pain? Slips and falls unnoticed to the ground. I wish my troubles could lie on this soil and my soul could float into this beautiful sky, weaving itself into the fabric of eternity, floating in the heavans. Looking down onto my world, laughing, and on again.

Re: night sky
Posted by Death on Thu Aug 15 20:20:21 2002 (#5787)

That was beautiful...

Death
x

Re: night sky
Posted by she on Thu Aug 15 22:06:48 2002 (#5793)

Thankyou
S~b

Re: night sky
Posted by Erryn on Fri Aug 16 01:59:06 2002 (#5797)

i love it keep writing and sharing take care xxxErryn

Re: night sky
Posted by Broken Girl on Fri Aug 16 14:49:35 2002 (#5805)

Thanks, this board gives me confidence in my writing, I'm so grateful for that.
Love Ella x

My results!!!
Posted by Nicke on Thu Aug 15 16:46:16 2002 (#5784)

I got 3A's and 2B's.

I got A's in Law, Psychology and General Studies, and B's in Sociology and Philosophy of Religion.

She...get your results opened and good luck!!!!

Nicke

Re: My results!!!
Posted by ~Lone WOlf~ on Thu Aug 15 20:22:21 2002 (#5788)

congrads
those are awsome grades
Lone

Re: My results!!!
Posted by *me* on Thu Aug 15 20:47:23 2002 (#5791)

Congrats!!!

Re: My results!!!
Posted by she on Thu Aug 15 22:10:31 2002 (#5794)

ohhhhh wow
Thats amazing welll done whoooooo.*huggles*
Hurmm mine still dont want to be opened :S.
I seam to have totaly forgotten about them well till now
hurmmm guess I will open them soon gotta find out whats gonna happen next year.
Well done
She~b

Re: My results!!!
Posted by Erryn on Fri Aug 16 01:57:53 2002 (#5796)

congrats you are so smart i hope you keep it up take care xxxErryn

Re: My results!!!
Posted by Rhonda on Fri Aug 16 02:02:22 2002 (#5800)

WAY TO GO!!!!!!! Take care of yourself.
Love ya, RHonda

Well done!!!
Posted by Broken Girl on Fri Aug 16 14:51:09 2002 (#5806)

Well done Nicke, I knew you'd do well!
Ella x

Re: Well done!!!
Posted by ¸¸.·*¨°·.¸CrïM§øÑ*TëÅrs¸¸.·*¨°·.¸ on Sat Aug 17 13:49:23 2002 (#5828)

well done....
thats brilliant....
congratulations xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx xxxxxxxxxx

Nightmares...all night. I'm so scarred
Posted by Dawn on Thu Aug 15 19:30:59 2002 (#5785)

I haven't been sleeping enough lately. Then was awake most of last night. I kept having this night mare about this loaded guy. It was like I had no money and the guy with a bad disease like late stage Aids had a travel trailor with rubbish and salvage strewn all about let me stay in the trailor. He and another guy were hot for me and wanted me sexually but I didn't want either of them so they called me names and shot me up with hard drugs and everyone kept having their way with my body and laughing that I thought I was too goood for them and here I was one of them and they keptme so loaded I was begging them for sex.

I kept trying to find someplace to run to to get away from them but evertime I did they were there.

I woke up 4 times throughtout the night and sat up watching a little tv trying to break the nightmare but everytime I went back to the bed the nightmare started right where I left off.

This morning I knew I had to get up because of Darian. Then I reached to take my morning meds and discoverd I had taken my morning meds last night instead of my nightime ones. Now I'm soooo sleepy because of all the sleep I didn't get and because I took some of nightime meds.

I am so afraid the nightmare will come true. I soooo don't want it tooooo but it can happen.

Re: Nightmares...all night. I'm so scarred
Posted by Death on Thu Aug 15 20:18:37 2002 (#5786)

i no mine probably dont compare to yours but wen i was little i had a fear of clowns and now at night i see them in the shadows everything can be made into a face of a clown. my mind tricks me and it makes me really scared. i hope that your nightmares stop... i'm sorry i couldnt be of more help.

Death
x

Re: Nightmares...all night. I'm so scarred
Posted by Broken Girl on Fri Aug 16 14:54:29 2002 (#5807)

I get nightmares every night, I don't know how to stop them, I dread goinbg to sleep because I know what will happen. I don't kn ow how to help myself so I'm sorry I can't help you.
Ella xXx

Re: Nightmares...all night. I'm so scarred
Posted by Erryn on Fri Aug 16 01:57:03 2002 (#5795)

im sorry that yo having trouble sleeping, if you need anything just ask take care xxxErryn

Re: Nightmares...all night. I'm so scarred
Posted by ~Lone WOlf~ on Sat Aug 17 09:02:37 2002 (#5816)

I havn't drempt in a while

Re: Nightmares...all night. I'm so scarred
Posted by Broken Girl on Sat Aug 17 12:31:54 2002 (#5826)

hey
Yeah, I stopped dreaming for ages, then suddenly the nightmares came. I seem to have gone back to dreamless nights now, I'm not sure if thats a good thing or not.
Ella xXx

today
Posted by erica on Fri Aug 16 02:39:52 2002 (#5802)

today I went to see my counsellor. We watched the film skin deep together. We talked a little about it. Anyways I keep feeling like everyone expects me to cut. I don't want to, but I just feel this enormous pressure. I've been feeling like crud this past week, and I keep thinking that if I cut I can forget about everything. I don't know I am just so tired of feeling this way. My counsellor even wanted to give me the kids help phone number. I told him if I needed to I would call the samaritans. I just wish I knew how to deal with these emotions instead of bottling them up. And if not, do I bring this up in group(I am in a communications group, and self esteem). Aurgh. I just wish this cycle would end. Plus I have the pressure of moving in a little over a week.I just want to lay over and die.
Anyways you don't need to reply to this, I'm mostly just venting.

erica

Re: today
Posted by ~Lone WOlf~ on Sat Aug 17 09:09:12 2002 (#5818)

I'm moving soon, and school is starting in a few weeks....i know how you feel

And suprize or not, you just found a way to let that stuff out.

well
Posted by *Poison on Fri Aug 16 03:41:15 2002 (#5803)

well guys i don't know what to say, i've been lurking here in the shadows the last couple of days just reading posts, realizing that i have no life and i'm just a selfish bitch.

nothing brings me joy anymore. i'm just going through the motions not experiencing anything. i guess nothing truely seems real. for example i still have to take my finals for school and i just keep putting them off as if i've already done them. it's like this abstract thought that is just being bounced around my life. i know i'm going to fail those tests, i missed the last half of the school year being in the hopsital and just being depressed. ...well make that the whole school year. i used to be an A B student, now with my depression i'm lucky to get c's it's horrible because i know that i can get good grades but i am tied down

i relate depression to being down a deep dark hole with rocks sticking out of the edges rocks that you are supposed to find while being in the dark and pull yourself up twards the light, and every now and then a rock will break or you will slip or sometimes you just overlook the rock. sometimes you slip and just keep falling and falling till you hit rock bottom other times you can catch yourself before that point.

i don't know what i'm trying to accomplish by posting, i guess i just want someone to talk to who understands. i hate being alone, and yet it is what i strive for.

i want to cut myself but i've just been so pressured not to let anyone down, and i find it totally wrong for other people to see my fresh cuts. so i have to time my cutting around my work and going to other people's houses. but then i'll get so overwhelmed that i'll cut twice as bad i'm caught in this viscious cycle and i'm losing the battle. to be honest i'm not sure if i really want to fight anymore.

the sun arises with a new day
a day of redemption
which all are purified
their sufferings have been relinquished
their scars have been erased
memories of tormented souls
fade into the darkness of the oncomming night
and once again
we are left to start anew.

this is the first poem i have written in a long time...i just wrote it while sitting here... interesting...

Amanda

Re: well
Posted by Broken Girl on Fri Aug 16 14:58:51 2002 (#5808)

I know how you feel. I cant distinguish reality from what goes on in my mind any more. I can't even talk to people becuase when I watch them talking it looks like thier miming which confuses me... I don't know what else to say but I empathise your situation, your not a selfish bitch and your poem is beautiful.
Ella xXx

Re: well
Posted by ~Lone WOlf~ on Sat Aug 17 09:06:22 2002 (#5817)

*holds out her hand, while clinging to an edge of a rock*
"Just take my hand....Please....or let us fall together."

sort of OT..but i need some advice/help
Posted by *me* on Fri Aug 16 16:46:58 2002 (#5809)

Ergh..ok this was quite scary for me. I was looking around at self injury websites yesterday, and I came across this page of links to other SI sites..so I clicked on a link...and I honestly don't know whether it was the site itself or one of those pop up thingies, but up on my screen came a porno site. Thank God I realized it before it loaded...nothing showed up on my screen but you know the little box up at the top that says the name of the site..yeah that's how I knew. So nothing showed up on my screen and I got out of there SUPER FAST. It was like 5 seconds, tops. But now I'm totally paranoid. Will that, like, show up on the bill? I don't know how billing for porno sites work!!!!! AHHHH. I know I didn't do anything wrong, so why do I feel so guilty like it was all my fault? I would just go and tell my mom except she's all freakish about the internet and she'd probably go and cancel it because of something like this. And plus, it wasn't like a "normal" site that it happened from...I WAS TRYING TO FIND A SI SITE. So that kinda puts a damper on explaining what happened. Ergh ergh ergh...someone please just tell me that because I X-ed out of it before it was loaded and because I didn't enter it or do anything, that they can't bill me! Ugh, this is really scary for me. Why are there even sites like that out there? Shouldn't they be like against the law or something? Ewwwww.... Ok..someone please reassure me here. Please.

It's okay!
Posted by Sam on Fri Aug 16 19:12:57 2002 (#5810)

Don't worry! They can't bill you for anything unless you gave them credit card info, and nobody will find out unless they get on your computer and check your history. Even then, it's an honest mistake and people do it all the time.It's okay!

Sam

Re: It's okay!
Posted by *Poison on Fri Aug 16 19:19:16 2002 (#5811)

you don't need to worry it was just an ad wanting you to sign up for a porn site. there's no need to tell your mom, things like that happen all the time from surfing the net. just try and remain calm.

Amanda

Re: It's okay!
Posted by Rhonda on Sat Aug 17 01:14:19 2002 (#5813)

Mistakes happen! I remember when Tara was looking
up a group called "Orgy". Now remember this is my
mom and dad's computer at their house. Tara typed
that word in and you guessed it. I was sitting right beside her and we both realized it at the
same time, but by the time we reacted, it had already popped up a porno site. Of course, we
backed out really quick, but my dad still found out and me and him had it out. He tried to ban Tara from using the computer for one month and we
got into a huge hairy fight about it. He's one that takes religon to the extream and he's never
really had anything good to say about either of my
girls since we've never taken them to church. They've been saved, but we just don't go to church because I find too many people who go just
show up to put on a show. I basically told him that if he couldn't say anything nice about his own granddaughters, just to shut-up about both of
them. According to him, they both have their problems, Tara with depression and SI and Tasha
with seizures, because they didn't go to church and the medication they take or have taken in the
past is part of the problem!!! Give me a break!!!
He thinks he knows everything and everyone else
is wrong. Don't get me wrong, he's my dad and I
will always love him because of that. There is just no way I can ever agree with him about Tara
and Tasha and I will tell him so. He doesn't like
that. Sorry, I didn't mean to get off on a rant
like that. Mistakes do happen and no one will
probably know about the site that popped up for
only 5 or 6 seconds. Take a deep breath and just
forget about it. Take care of yourself.
Love ya, Rhonda

don't worry
Posted by rick on Fri Aug 16 21:10:02 2002 (#5812)

That was a "pop-up", and no, it can't show up on your bill. It's not your fault, there are a lot of sited that basically take over your computer and force it to go somewhere else. Again,you didn't do anything.

If you're running Internet Explorer and you're really paranoid, do this: Click tools then internet options then delete files and clear history.

Rick

Re: don't worry
Posted by Broken Girl on Sat Aug 17 12:15:53 2002 (#5824)

Hey
Yeah, I've been there. I hate it when that happens. Its like when you find porn in your inbox, it makes you SO paranoid. But its nothing to do with you, just one of the downsides to the internet.
Ella xXx

WHEW, thanks guys!!!
Posted by *me* on Sun Aug 18 03:00:48 2002 (#5837)

Got a little paranoid on you all there!! Thanks for reassuring me!

sometimes
Posted by KAT on Sat Aug 17 08:51:33 2002 (#5814)

sometimes love makes me want to vomit.
Hi guys, my moms noticed Ive lost another few lbs. but im gaining them back..oh joy.
I feel so bad right now
I seriously want to murder myself into pieces
I took a pill to relax me but its not helping
ugh
I suck bad
everythings messed up
always will be
always
KAT

(((((((((((((((((((((((kat))))))))))))))))))))))
Posted by Broken Girl on Sat Aug 17 12:11:28 2002 (#5823)

No it won't Kat, come on, you've always been there for me and told me that it does get better. What else can I say? I feel shit too, especially at the moment, but remember its people like you who keep people like me alive.
Love you loads and loads and loads, Ella xXx

Re: sometimes
Posted by Nicke on Sun Aug 18 14:31:25 2002 (#5850)

Taking pills whilst feeling shitty doesn't help...it only numbs you, then the morning after...on top of feeling normally depressed on a come down, you feel even more shitty...

I understand the escapism of it...man I wouldn't have taken them for 2 1/2 years if I didn't but they don't work...

Nicke

????
Posted by ~Lone WOlf~ on Sat Aug 17 09:16:32 2002 (#5819)

Does anyone even give a crap that I'm even here???? Does it really matter? I felt so good earlyer....*sighs* Maybie I"ll just leave. No one seems to care lately wether i post or not...who gives a F**k right? I don't

Re: ????
Posted by Broken Girl on Sat Aug 17 12:08:59 2002 (#5822)

I do! I emailed you about this, didn't you get it? I care wether you post and everyone else does as well. PLEASE stay.
Love Ella xXx

Re: ????
Posted by Rhonda on Sat Aug 17 18:11:14 2002 (#5829)

Yeah, please stay! I'll miss you if you go. I tried emailing you also, but for some reason, it
sent it back. Email me so I can get your address
right. Please, please please stay. Take care honey,
Love ya, Rhonda

Re: ????
Posted by *me* on Sun Aug 18 03:01:54 2002 (#5838)

I care...stay, ok?

Re: ????
Posted by Vapor on Sun Aug 18 06:51:39 2002 (#5844)

i care... im so sorry i havent been around. i sent you mail earlier. hope you read it. stick around please...
Later, Vapor

Re: ????
Posted by kat on Sun Aug 18 21:28:48 2002 (#5861)

Ive e -mailed you about this before, well a little while ago now.
dont know if you got it or read it.
I feel the same way though

but no matter who it is it matters

kat

Megan you are wanted here
Posted by Dawn on Sun Aug 18 21:50:37 2002 (#5864)

The truth is all of us who suffer with depression goes through these spells when we need reassurance that we are wanted and we get loads of email and responses that tell us so, then we are fine for awhile, then BAM it hits us again.

If you have't got the message before you read this then I hope that you will now. PLEASE STAY, WE ALL LOVE YOU AND CARE ABOUT WHAT GOES ON IN YOUR f'd life, just as you care about each one of us. It is a phase of depression almost everyone on here goes through. love and hugs...Dawn

Re: ????
Posted by Erryn on Sun Aug 18 23:26:05 2002 (#5869)

i also care if you need anything just write you are special and needed here just as everyone else okay take care xxxErryn

God Called In Sick Today
Posted by mego on Sat Aug 17 11:00:46 2002 (#5820)

Let's admire the pattern forming. Murderous filigree. I'm caught in the twisting of the vine. Go ascend with ivy, climbing. Ignore and leave for me the headstone crumbling behind. I can't help my laughter as she cries. My soul brings tears to angelic eyes. Let's amend the classic story, close it so beautifully, I'll let animosity unwind. Steal away the darkened pages, hidden so shamefully. I'll still feel the violence of the lines. I can't stand my laughter as they cry. My soul brings tears to angelic eyes. And miles away my mother cries. Omnipotence, nurturing malevolence.

good song, its by AFI

Re: God Called In Sick Today
Posted by Broken Girl on Sat Aug 17 12:07:39 2002 (#5821)

Your right, that is a great song.

Re: God Called In Sick Today
Posted by Dawn on Sun Aug 18 22:21:36 2002 (#5865)

I'm mighty glad though that it is a lie. God NEVER ever, ever calls in sick. It is against His nature. His mind is forever fixed on me. That is both a good and bad thing. Sometimes I wish he'd closed so I could cut and He wouldn't see me. It must grieve His heart when he watches me mutilate my body.

Sorry if I burst your bubble. I simply have to speak the truth in face of a lie about God my Father. He is so very loving even when I sin He forgives me, and everyone else. We lie about so many things but never should we lie about God. But do not worry because he let me speak the truth and for that I am grateful. <3 always... Dawn

new kind of numbness, am I alone in this? help
Posted by Broken Girl on Sat Aug 17 12:22:25 2002 (#5825)

there's this new kind of numbness which is coming over me more and more frequently, it happened yesterday and I remembered it from all the way through my childhood, it happens now and then. I'm used to numbness, but this is different. I'll be doing something and then suddenly its like someone drops a blanket over me. I feel slow and safe. No harsh ness, everything is softened, I feel nothing. I can register its happened. I just kind of float along, nothing is real, or bright, the worlf as I know it fades before me.
Does anyone else get this? Is this normal? Is this disasociation, my therapist thinks so, but is it? Am I alone in this?
*sigh*, maybe its just me...

Re: new kind of numbness, am I alone in this? help
Posted by Erryn on Sat Aug 17 21:24:47 2002 (#5833)

i get this way sometimes its scary, im sorry you have to deal with it, i try to go for a walk and think about the trees i also though have kids to help take care xxxErryn

Re: new kind of numbness, am I alone in this? help
Posted by *me* on Sun Aug 18 03:04:07 2002 (#5839)

Yeah, I think something similar to that happens to me. Like you'll just be walking along, or talking, or doing something, then all of a sudden you just kinda zone out and you realize it, but you feel like you're floating and just observing everything that's going on? I don't know what it is, but that happens to me.

Re: new kind of numbness, am I alone in this? help
Posted by feather on Mon Aug 19 06:26:04 2002 (#5885)

Sounds like dissociation to me. I have spent more time in my life dissociating than I have living. The feeling is so familiar.

Re: new kind of numbness, am I alone in this? help
Posted by kat on Sun Aug 18 21:29:59 2002 (#5862)

I dont know I used to feel an intense numbness but it also hurt so Im not sure if it was the same, I really hate that feeling though.
take care
love you
kat

Re: new kind of numbness, am I alone in this? help
Posted by Dawn on Sun Aug 18 22:34:44 2002 (#5867)

I read only one response and know that on this subject I know quite a bit. Yes it is di..... funny I cannot spell the word. Just thinking about it make my body shake. For most of my 50 years of life I lived in that state of mind and body. My safest place is the corners of the ceiling. Where hands cannot reach to violate me. Part of me is there now. Only my fingers and mind are at work.
I want to be of help, really I do. But there are things I cannot be present for. I know I need to teach you all that this place is bliss compared to reality. Did I spell that word right, I cannot say for sure. I'm shaking so. They must have come back. Those shadowy figures who pin me down and fondle and rape me. They like it when the past gets tangled up with the now. I'm sorry did I leave your question. Or did I just go somewhere else I'm not in the corner anymore. I don[t know where i am. If you find me will you send me home.

I'm glad I'm not alone...
Posted by Broken Girl on Mon Aug 19 12:09:35 2002 (#5887)

Hi
I'm so glad I'm not alone. It scares me so much.

Dawn, if I find you up there when I go up, I'll tell you to go back down, if you do the same for me.
Ella xXx

cant keep away....
Posted by ¸¸.·*¨°·.¸CrïM§øÑ*TëÅrs¸¸.·*¨°·.¸ on Sat Aug 17 13:45:30 2002 (#5827)

I dont know why but I just cant stay away from this place, I haven't been here in ages.. christ, whats wrong with me, things are going so so well for a change, finally education is getting sorted out, I have a wonderful boyfriend who I love with all of my heart, I should be happy, why am I still feeling so low? why to I have to keep fighting back the tears? I sit and cry for reasons unknown to myself, I am so down but no one realises, I am bright and cheery on the outside but inside is crumbling away....I sit alone and think about my life, past and present... I have no answers for anything, the only thing I can do is cry and cry...WHY AM I SO UNHAPPY????? I havent cut in months, I am doing well...I should be happy... but Im not... what do I do... I know Im moaning and rambling and what ever.. I know that I have bitched about people here for moaning about insignificant things before, for which I apologise... I just need someone to talk to....help?
Love Roses and Empathy
CrïM§øÑ*TëÅrs

Re: cant keep away....
Posted by Erryn on Sat Aug 17 21:23:15 2002 (#5832)

welcome back im glad you are kinda okay if you need anything just ask take care xxErryn

Re: cant keep away....
Posted by ¸¸.·*¨°·.¸CrïM§øÑ*TëÅrs¸¸.·*¨°·.¸ on Sun Aug 18 13:44:07 2002 (#5846)

Hi Erryn,
Haven't spoken to you in a long time, how are you doing? This here are pretty shit, well as I said in my last post, not shit at all, but I feel like shit all the same, I cant help crying and feeling low, I have no idea why, its driving me mad, I keep having panic/anxiety attacks as well. I just don't know whats causing all this, I feel so depressed but I cant put a reason to my sadness, can anyone relate?
Love Roses and Empathy
CrïM§øÑ*TëÅrs

I can... and bad news
Posted by Dawn on Sun Aug 18 23:00:39 2002 (#5868)

The bad news is that you cannot be truely happy until you work through your past problems. I tried it for years, that false everything is ok when nothing ever is kind of life. I didn't get better until I was at a safe place in life and all the things I falsified to deal with them were able to be relived and renamed for the truth that they were. No he didn't love me and I just didn't like his touch-- he raped me and I went away because i couldn't fight him off anymore. He raped me, and he did, and she did, and they did, etc.....

And now that I am able to speak the truth and be at peace with it I am free to live a happiness designed especially for me. I'm not normal and never will be because I lived a different kind of life. I know stuff people my age will never know if they didn't live with sexual abuse or wife abuse, or child abuse by a parent. I don't know what it is like to have dinner waiting for a husband who doesn't come home til he is too drunk to care about dinner. I don't know what it is like to be a kid and not worrying about getting beat up for laughing or crying, or being too slow, too clumbsy, or being my father's kid.
yeah it is hard to be truely happy if you have to keep secrets or tell lies to yourself about what happened to you and by who. If those things didn't happen they what is behind the tears. Something it. There is never NO REASON to find yourself crying crimson tears.

I'm missed you by the way. But if you haven't cut and have found someone you love those are good reasons for not being around. I'm here if you need to reason things out. There's nothing hidden I can't relate to, except murder... no I can relate to that as well.

I hope everyone know I'm here to help you reason things out so you don't wait til 35 to figure out what went wrong with your life.<3 always... Dawn

Re: I can... and bad news
Posted by ¸¸.·*¨°·.¸CrïM§øÑ*TëÅrs¸¸.·*¨°·.¸ on Mon Aug 19 09:42:58 2002 (#5886)

Hi Dawn
I understand where you are coming from and thankyou for your response, but I know what has gone wrong, I know about the past and I am over that, but what I cant seem to figure out is what is upsetting me now, I should be happy, maybe Im just fooling myself with false happiness, I dont know, but either way I feel that my life is good, I have a wonderful boyfriend and havent cut in months, I am in love. Love shouldnt feel like this, love should be full of trust, something which I dont hold, in him, in anyone...because I cant....
I sit and cry and cry and cry...
i dont know whats wrong...

I feel the same...
Posted by Broken Girl on Mon Aug 19 12:14:46 2002 (#5888)

Hi crimson,
Welcome back, first of all.
I feel like that, I cry and hurt, and bleed, but for what? why? what right do I have to feel like this? I lie on my bed unable to move, going down the street is like day trip, panic attacks at least once a day, insomia... but why? I don't know... sorry I can't help you, but I feel the same when I'm here and not up there where I seem to spend so much time these days...
Love Ella xXx

scas and other non-normal things
Posted by Dawn on Sat Aug 17 20:12:38 2002 (#5830)

Last night while lying in bed reading to Darian for the last time this year I suddenly saw my scars as ugly and abnormal and wished there was a way of undoing them, of erasing all the pain that lurks behind them.

I thought of the legacy I am giving my beloved granddaughter. How can I do this to her. It is easier to explain than it is to change. I am not wearing my grandma hat when I cut. I'm wearing my mentally ill hat caused by living with my life time experiences.

How will she describe me to her friends, my fat grandma with scars all over her arms. We were doing a craft yesterday and were talking about cutting of a picture and she said... well part of it was, "you know cutting paper... not anything else" She is almost 8 years old and knows her mother's mother uses scissors to cut her body" if that isn't a solid hit nothing is.

I take every opportunity to let her know how to avoid bad men who abuse kids and here I am harming my own body and leaving scars that will never go away.
Well you didn't know it but I fell asleep typing and had to finish where I left off so I had to change tonight to last night and today to yesterday. That is what happens when I take my meds regularly and get hungry at bedtime. I just can't eat. I have to be watching tv or have my web unit on. Say la vee (spelling is meant to be wrong) just like my life.

I talked to Darian and she said I shouldn't start getting weird about my scars. But first she said "what scars?" Isn't that cool. She isn't so naive after all. When I asked about wearing a shirt with long sleves she asked me if I wore long sleves last week when her maybe someday step brother and sister dropped her off and I said "NO!" and she said "then don't do it now. If they didn't make fun of you then they won't today." Is that cool or what.

Now we are waiting for my daughter and her boyfriend she lives with. You do not need to comment but if you would it would make me feel better. I'm so glad we have this board to communicate on. Love and hugs..<3 always Dawn

Re: scas and other non-normal things
Posted by Erryn on Sat Aug 17 21:21:12 2002 (#5831)

im sure she will understand some day that people deal with things differently. i used to hide mine from my kids but now why should i change who i was, i dont want to lie and not be my self your granddaughter im sure loves you for you not your scars. take care xxErryn

Re: scas and other non-normal things
Posted by ~Lone WOlf~ on Sat Aug 17 23:09:15 2002 (#5834)

Ppl don't seem to notice my scars....even there they arn't that many, or that noticable. Cuase i've only cut three times... but there still there.

Re: scas and other non-normal things
Posted by Rhonda on Sun Aug 18 00:28:29 2002 (#5835)

Darian sounds like a cool little girl. I can tell
she loves you very much, just like me. Oh, found
something really pretty for your Christmas box!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Sorry I'm teasing you about it.
Take care friend.
Love ya lots,
Rhonda

Re: scas and other non-normal things
Posted by Vapor on Sun Aug 18 06:48:51 2002 (#5843)

oui, c'est la vie. nothing to say. families are complicated and all have problems. i wish you had been there to teach me what types of people to avoid. but also dont forget to teach her trust. teach her who she can trust and teach her above all else to trust herself and her instincts and to never let herself be put into any situation she doesnt want to be in.
Later, Vapor

Re: scas and other non-normal things
Posted by Nicke on Sun Aug 18 14:36:18 2002 (#5851)

Kids are so naiive, sometimes what they say can touch us right on the heart...

Other times they don't realise how hurtful what they are saying can be...but they don't mean it...they are just so naiive...I love that in children...never treading on eggshells not to upset you...you always get the truth...

Nicke

Re: scas and other non-normal things
Posted by kat on Sun Aug 18 21:27:44 2002 (#5860)

take care Dawn, I know I must seem rude leaving just this little note, but I care
take care
love
kat

oh god....
Posted by chez on Sun Aug 18 01:07:05 2002 (#5836)

I hate myself so bad....
I cant stand it......
I want to throw up....its making me sick....
I love my boyfriend so much....
but I always cant help it.....I love him...but I always think..that he just doesnt love me the same way....why?why? I dont know...its just me....I hate myself...I hate myself I hate myself I hate myself. pretty soon he's gonna be gone for awhile.....I know something is going to happen to me....I just know it is......I could feel my pulse racing already.......FUCK IT! I cant help it....he'll never know .....I cant tell him this....I cant tell him how worried I am...how I think Im not good enough for him....and how I knoe I cant live without him.....I know I'll die......love sucks....it makes me sick to the pit...........shit.....I hate myself FUCK FUCK FUCK.......i feel dizzy.....i think I'll lay down now.......bye

Re: oh god....
Posted by kat on Sun Aug 18 05:09:31 2002 (#5841)

i hate myself too...but chelle
i love you, you're such an awsome person, very sweet and caring. I just wished you cared for yourself like you did other people.
take care
*hugs*
KAT

Re: oh god....
Posted by ¸¸.·*¨°·.¸CrïM§øÑ*TëÅrs¸¸.·*¨°·.¸ on Sun Aug 18 13:52:07 2002 (#5847)

I know EXACTLY how you feel, I love my boyfriend so SO SO much, but he is 23, 8 years older than me, clever, got a decent job, earns a good wage, I am 16, fucked up education, scars, eating dissorders, possesssive, insecure, nothing going for me at all...I dont know why the hell he is with me, he could be with someone so much better, be able to support each other financially, not have to worry about paying for things on his own, someone prettier, someone without scars all over their body...
I cant trust him, I really cant... although I love him SO much, its killing me. I start college in September, what happens when he's bored, working from home, nothing to do, internet at hand, millions of beautiful women just waiting for a guy like him.
He will get bored of me, I dont know what to do either Chelle, Matt is not the most trustworthy of people, he has LIED to me before, I gave him another chance, he lied to me again, I gave him another... thing is, if he did cheat on me again I dont know what i would do, I have become so dependant on him, disguarded most of my friends to be with him, sacraficed a good friendship with someone that could not accept us.
I love him
Love hurts so bad.

Re: oh god....
Posted by Nicke on Sun Aug 18 14:59:38 2002 (#5855)

Chez,

If you hate yourself, then how can you expect anyone to love you...People do love you, even your boyfriend...but you just can't see why...

You need to love yourself abit more, then it will make it easier to accept someone else's love...

Nicke

Re: oh god....
Posted by Erryn on Sun Aug 18 23:28:36 2002 (#5870)

i think that if you trust him and love him then tell him, becuz its a part of you why hide a part of you, you are special and i hope be sees this. take care xxxErryn

a number of things.....
Posted by *me* on Sun Aug 18 03:17:03 2002 (#5840)

Ok, well first thing - the physical went ok. Thanks to everyone who replied to calm me down about it!!!

Second, I almost was in a car accident last night. Yeah, and it was totally my fault. I really honestly think I'm going crazy. Because I am a VERY VERY VERY responsible person, and I don't do things like what happened last night. So I was driving home, and my car, I don't know why, but it fogs up when it's humid/hot outside. So it was night and I was trying to turn on the defogger button thing but I couldn't find it bc it was dark. And I totally swerve and ride up OVER A CURB and almost hit a fire hydrant. I mean I was on a sidestreet (I wouldn't be THAT stupid to do it on a main road), but MY GOD. I could have totalled the car. I want to beat myself over the head with something every time I think about it. It was one of the stupidest things I've ever done. Why did I do it? I'm NOT stupid. I'm a responsible person, and a responsible driver, but what I did was so not responsible. Ugh. I'm angry at myself. Why did I do it? I think I'm going crazy. Because I never would do something like that. But I did. Ugh ugh ugh.

Third of all - I REALLY HATE PEOPLE WITH MISCONCEPTIONS ABOUT SI. It drives me batty. Don't you feel a need to, like, educate everyone? I do, except I can't bc I'm still "in hiding." But my friends were talking about this girl in our class that CUTS DURING SCHOOL. Like in the middle of classes, and she makes sure people see her do it. (For the record, people that SI for attention also drive me batty). But yeah, so one of my friends goes, "She cuts on the TOP of her arm. You can't even die from that." OMG. I really wanted to go into this big long speech to her. But I didn't. BUT IT MADE ME SO FRUSTRATED. Does that bug anyone else?? Ergh.

Ok, guess that's it for now. Sorry this is long. I had an eventful day yesterday, haha.

Re: a number of things.....
Posted by Vapor on Sun Aug 18 06:42:47 2002 (#5842)

hey hon, dont worry about it. thats why they call them accidents. i hit curbs all the time... gotten two flat tires that way. but dont worry bout it. it was a mistake. it has nothing to do with being a responsible person. they happen to everyone. people like you who are responsible drives, and also to people like me who are reckless drivers. one time i feel asleep and drove off the road and took out a stop sign. did some damage. prolly bout $3000 worth. hows that for stupid? another time i tried to kill myself and drove off the side of a road over a cliff and totalled my car... stupid me. tried to committ suicide wearing my seatbelt. d'oh. so just dont beat yourself up. it was an accident. they happen to everyone no matter how responsible you are... dont worry. its just a car. no big deal.
Later, Vapor

Re: a number of things.....
Posted by ¸¸.·*¨°·.¸CrïM§øÑ*TëÅrs¸¸.·*¨°·.¸ on Sun Aug 18 14:01:48 2002 (#5848)

hey dont talk about yourself like that, you are not irresponsible, accidents happen, dont give yourself such a bad time over it.*hugs*
I know what you mean about people who attention seek, it pisses me off as well, SO SO much ..
I have a friend that changed her screen name to something along the lines of "cut cut cut thats the way it goes, bleed bleed bleed all over me -clothes :oD"
and I questioned her about it, I asked if she had started cutting herself, as she knew that I did, being a close friend of mine....
she said yes she had, I asked her why, she said because i wanna, i told her not to get into doing that, because she obviously just wanted to advertise it judging by her screen name, and she said "you do it, i wanna too"... that angered me SO much, it really did, its people like that who give Self harmers a bad name, people like that who make every other self harmer get labelled an attention seeker, GRRRRRR I hate it, I really do...
Take care hun
Love Roses and Empathy
CrïM§øÑ*TëÅrs

Re: a number of things.....
Posted by Taeriel on Tue Aug 20 12:56:29 2002 (#5928)

Hey, I agree with you. The real self harmers, the ones who do it because they have to, in order to cope, don't want people to find out. And it's not about killing yourself at all.

Re: a number of things.....
Posted by Nicke on Sun Aug 18 14:56:44 2002 (#5854)

Yeah, I like wish I could just grab hold of people like that and give them a good shake...they drive me batty. I wish everyone knew about self harm and the why it is as much about self preservation as it is about destruction...WE ARE NOT TRYING TO KILL OURSELVES...MERELY TRYING TO COPE WITH LIVING"

Cutting in school though...that must be pretty, I don't know, It reminds me of the first time I cut myself...I was in school and decided to scratch the top side of my lower left arm...I didn't know it was self harm, and I didn't want anyones attention...When someone did notice, it made it clear to me that it wasn't acceptable so I just 'went into hiding'.

I guess what I am trying to say is maybe she isn't cutting for attention...maybe she is....but whatever reason she has to make her cut, she needs some kind of help...you have to ask yourself "what is making her need the attention so bad she is willing to cut herself to get it" It is not like she is going to receive any positive attention.

Sorry that didn't mean to sound like a lecture...I was merely trying to illustrate that you are right...SI is far more complex than anyone understands, nobody can ever really pretend to understand because it is different for everyone, as we are dealing with humans who are so different and complex individuals...

Nicke.

Re: a number of things.....
Posted by Broken Girl on Mon Aug 19 13:03:31 2002 (#5894)

Hi
I had a girl like that in my year, I hate her so much even now. She cut in class then walked around talking about it and attention seeking. I really do hate people like that. grrrrrrr... sorry, lol! went a bit over the top there, but people like that give us such a bad name. *sigh*
As for your car, dont worry! it happens all the time to different people, responsible or not, you didn't hurt anyone did you? so don't worry.
Love Ella xXx

Re: a number of things.....
Posted by kat on Sun Aug 18 21:26:37 2002 (#5859)

Im sorry *me* about people, people who dont understand cant understand, usually..and they dont even try to.
it is very annoying but you have to know that they just dont fucking have a clue, ou know? so dont worry too much
Im glad the physicain went well.
thats scary about the accident, I feel like Im responsible too but Ive totalled out 2 cars already ,tis very frightening and I just felt like why didnt I die along with my cars, at least from the embarassment but oh well.
good thing everything was ok, it makes you cautions.
take care sweetie
Kat

Re: a number of things.....
Posted by Erryn on Sun Aug 18 23:34:10 2002 (#5871)

im glad you are okay sounds like you were busy, im also glad that your physical went well. i also dont like people who si and then show it off, they make it bad for us. well i hope everything else goes okay take care xxxErryn

accidents are not onpurpose
Posted by Dawn on Sun Aug 18 23:45:45 2002 (#5876)

I believe you are a responsible driver or you would not be telling us about what happened. It would be the norm. Something like that happened right at my house when I was about to give birth to my son 27 years ago.

Most accidents happen because of distracted drivers. And you get that and the seriousness of the experience you had. That is a GOOD THING!!

A drunk driver hit my parked car and totaled it right infront of my apartment then tried to get away. Then his insureance paid off and I bought a car at an automoble aution Bad Judgement Call on that one. The car died 3 weeks after I bought it. GOOD THING! A responsible driver knows when they should not be behind the wheel of a car. And I know that in the middle of a mental brekdown is not a good time to be behind the wheel of anything on the road or off. No one had to tell me it was better that I not have a car. My insides and instincts told me. I believe that other people may have lost their lives while I was crying or disassoiating the firt 8 years of my breakdown. So I just want to tell you I get what a big deal it is for you going up over that curb.

Like all the others I discoverd in the getgo that if I didn't like the misconceptions other people have of those of us you SI to keep from killing ourselves that I had to educate those who didn't get it that cutting is about self preservation, not suicidal attempts. You'd be surprised how many in the mental health profession have those misconceptions as well as the ordinary people whose lives cross mine.

I agree with whoever it was who responded to you that the person who is cutting in class may be doing so under great distress. It might help both of you to talk with her.

sorry i've been gone
Posted by Vapor on Sun Aug 18 07:33:08 2002 (#5845)

but i've been dealing with a lot of sh*t lately and when youre borderline, sorting through little problems and relationships can be quite a chore. everything is for the most part ok now. everythings still pretty crazy but its settled down. being me is so exhausting sometimes. the emotional daily wear and tear is too much to bear so i spend the nights drinking and smoking up so theres never really and peace or rest. im sure you guys know what i mean... 'i feel like im living the worst day over and over again' (simple plan)... i think its worse to know that other people arent like this. when i was younger (14 or so) i thought that life was supposed to be like this. that everything was always on the edge and thats life and thats how everyone feels all the time but to know its not... just why cant i be normal? but for right now i'll take what i can get and if this is as good as it gets then im ok with that...
Later, Vapor

(sorry, pointless i know but as dawn pointed out c'est la vie or say la vee) ;o)

Re: sorry i've been gone
Posted by ¸¸.·*¨°·.¸CrïM§øÑ*TëÅrs¸¸.·*¨°·.¸ on Sun Aug 18 14:05:43 2002 (#5849)

not pointless at all,
its nice to vent sometimes, i used to sit up all night drinking and smoking alone, doing nothing, listening to depressing songs and crying, all night every night, maybe have 2 hours sleep in the day, then i'd be up again and on the drink.
I am over doing that now, well alone at least, I have matt with me to keep me company, although that is normally what we do anyway lol
I feel like sceaming...I feel trapped within myself...I cant explain anymore,
fuck it this is not relivent.
Sorry
Love Roses and Empathy
CrïM§øÑ*TëÅrs

Re: sorry i've been gone
Posted by Nicke on Sun Aug 18 14:39:40 2002 (#5852)

Yeah, I know what it feels like to be stuck in a real life Ground Hog Day...but finding love isn't always the answer (don't know if you have seen the film).

Personally, what makes me depressed is striving to be MORE than I am. I think that if me and others could just find contentment in WHAT I am then I would be alot happier...

Mail me if you need anything Vapor...I don't want you to be all alone...

Nicke

Re: sorry i've been gone
Posted by Erryn on Sun Aug 18 23:41:43 2002 (#5875)

welcome back hope you are okay if you need anything just ask take care xxxErryn

The trick is finding peace with who/what you R
Posted by Dawn on Mon Aug 19 00:09:26 2002 (#5878)

My life seems to be pretty peaceful as long as I'm ok with who I am and where I've come from. Knowing I'm Borderline and clincally Depressed helps so much. And aslo knowing I have post-traumatic stress syndrom helps me to know that I'm not crazy. I've survived a lifetime of traumatic events and will have flashbacks and nightmare probably for the rest of my life helps me cope with them. Sometimes I can sort things out and idenify what sypmtoms are attacking me at the moment helps. But when all three are running a muck at the same time life gets impossile for awhile and I need to back off and just be ill for a few days until things settle down.

My medication works better that drinking and blowing smoke, but it takes all of us time to come to that place. Then again my meds are paid for by the state where if I were to drink I'd have to buy it and the smoke and I do not choose to venture down that road again. But sometimes I wonder if life would be better with a dooby, but the last time I smoked it didn't do anything my medication doesn't do. And my meds are legal and paid for. But then one of my medications is a controlled narcotic pain killer. Which I take with peace of mind that if I didn't have it life in my body would be unbearable. so find peace with who you are and the rest will sort itself out...Dawn <3

Re: sorry i've been gone
Posted by Broken Girl on Mon Aug 19 12:57:09 2002 (#5893)

hi vapor, I'm glad your back. sorry things have been so shit for you, I think I might be borderline but at fourteen they say its too younge to diagnose, but it would be quite nice to have a name for it. I hope your ok, if you ever want to talk about anything then please please email me, I'm always around, I dont really have a life! love ella xXx

Re: sorry i've been gone
Posted by ~Lone WOlf~ on Tue Aug 20 02:57:51 2002 (#5909)

I missed ya Vapor. But I didn't get any message or e-mail you might have sent me...

Being found out with my bright pink hair!
Posted by Nicke on Sun Aug 18 14:46:11 2002 (#5853)

I dyed my hair on Friday...Red, but where I had blonde streaks in before they went pink...it is short and spikey just as I wanted it to be...

But I am feeling a bit strange today...My sister noticed my scars...well kind of...and I just made out she was seeing things, she is only 9...DID I DO THE RIGHT THING?

She slept over at my house, so I was wearing my long sleeved t-shirt to bed, and she wanted to see my bracelet, so pulled my sleeve up before I could do anything...she didn't see much and it was dark but she screamed "YUCK, DO YOU SLASH YOURSELF LIKE HER OFF THE TELLY" (she meant a charachter from a TV show I mentioned before...Hollyoaks).

I managed to convince her that it was just marks left by my bracelet because it was too tight...

What I don't like is the fact that I lied to her and I promised that I would never lie to her...Oh I don't know....

I guess what hurt the most was her reaction...the disgust on her face...

Thanx for listening...Nicke

Re: Being found out with my bright pink hair!
Posted by kat on Sun Aug 18 21:21:19 2002 (#5857)

ah I bet your hair loooks really cute, mines ugly I dyed it black ,and its long and frizzy. buty oh well.
anyways..about your sister I dont know, my little brother knows too..well my whole family knows but they understand that its something I did and its not "me" although I know thatd be hard for a 9 year old to understand maybe.
sorry I dont know what to say
I did get your e-mail thank you for e-mailing me
Ive been feeling isolated from the board.
take care
KAT

Re: Being found out with my bright pink hair!
Posted by Erryn on Sun Aug 18 23:40:48 2002 (#5874)

i hope you are okay, it was a good save. someday though you may have to talk to your sister about it maybe to protect her from it. take care xxxErryn

Everyone will benefit from reading my response
Posted by Dawn on Mon Aug 19 00:27:50 2002 (#5879)

Pink spikey, sound good. do you think I could pull that off at 50? Right not I have white/grey/darkgrey hair frosted by nature. I do not even wear my wig anymore. Its too hot and my hair is growing out since I shaved it all off in January or February.

Now about your sister... I think it would be good for both of you to have another sleep over and pop popcorn and make it a fun evening then talk to her about you lying to her because of her reaction and that you feel guilty for not telling her the truth. If my granddaughter can deal with it I'm sure your sister can especially if she is familiar with SI from the telle (or however you spell it where you are) I think honesty is the best policy. We are the ones who lose out with lies and hiding. It gives us peace to be open about it.

To many of you cutting is something special you do and you like keeping it secret and hiden. But I've learned that keeping secrets gives those secrets power of us. It takes a lot of energy to keep secrets and lying about it makes it worse, never better. one lie leads to more lying to cover it up. But truth gives way to peace. And isn't that what we are all looking for.

I lied too
Posted by Broken Girl on Mon Aug 19 12:33:04 2002 (#5892)

Hi Nicke,
My brother doesn't know, or care really... But my sister, she's three, she noticed! She keeps asking me why I have so many cuts. I keep getting panic attacks about it, she might end up like me! She pulss her hair, which doesn't really help matters and really scares me. Mind you all my brothers and sister si, my brother punchs walls!

Re: Being found out with my bright pink hair!
Posted by *me* on Tue Aug 20 17:55:27 2002 (#5935)

Hey Nicke. I don't think you did a bad thing by lying to her. If you want to tell her the truth about yourself sometime when she's older, then go ahead and do that. But at 9, I don't know as if she could fully understand what SI is and why people/you do it. And a major part of being a self injurer is secrets...so I'm sure if you tell her later in life about SIing and stuff, she'll get why you didn't want to tell her. I think we all lie all the time to everyone. Sometimes I feel like my whole life is a lie!!! I think a lot of people feel that way, though, too. I don't enjoy hiding myself from my friends and family, but I can't tell. And that's pretty much what happened with you and your sister, right? Don't worry too much. It's ok.

Big mistake
Posted by Kayleigh on Sun Aug 18 20:33:22 2002 (#5856)

I did such a stupid thing last night. I was at a party, drunk as usual...

And I somehow managed to be left alone with one of my friend's friends. I don't know why, but I ended up sleeping with him. I can't believe the things I did. I feel so disgusted with myself.

I always tell my friends and my little sister to wait until they're in love and I'm just known for my nagging about such things. I don't even like this guy, let alone love him. I lost my virginity to a guy I don't like. And worse still, I didn't use protection. I think it was his first time too so I'm not worried about diseases...though I suppose I should be. But what if I'm pregnant? The sick thing...I almost hope I am. I don't know if I'm going to take the morning after pill. Apparently I have 3 days. I'm so scared. I can't have a baby. I'm 19 and I work 10 hours a week. I'm just suffered a complete break down and I shouldn't even consider it but here I am hoping I am pregnant.

I can't believe I haven't cut over this yet. I'm very tempted to stub cigarettes out on my arm but I haven't done anything. Despite feeling like a slut, I haven't even cried over it. I'm just numb...I feel so horrible but it's like it's not registering. And when it does...I just know I'm gonna do something stupid. I feel so sick...I'm never gonna stop feeling dirty. I hate myself so much.

Kayleigh

Re: Big mistake
Posted by kat on Sun Aug 18 21:23:40 2002 (#5858)

Im sorry I know how you feel ,Ive made similar mistakes and thought I was pregnant but it turned out I wasnt.
I hope your not for your sake .
please take care
it was just a mistake , but I do know the dirty feeling very well..I used to feel it everyday of my life
sorryIm not help
*hugs*
KAT

Re: Big mistake
Posted by Erryn on Sun Aug 18 23:38:51 2002 (#5873)

i hope you are doing better, if you need anything just write take care xxxErryn

Re: Big mistake
Posted by Dawn on Mon Aug 19 00:46:29 2002 (#5880)

I have to turn back the clock on this one but not as far as I'd like to. I didn't date for 9 years after my last brief as it was marriage. Then I joined a dating service where we pick people we think would be a good match. As has been true for my whole life they only quailty I found to be most attracting was that they wanted to meet me. I was used over and over and felt disgusted with myself. But for some reason I could not not have sex with these guys who got me drunk. It is by far the most used drug of guys who want to get into a girls pants. If you had not been drunk you would not be having these feelings. It is because you are a good person that this kind of thing is a surprise to you. Sluts don't care.

You are no slut. And as far as you may be pregant. Yes that could be true. For me it was not true until I was with my children's father and had commited myself to loving him for the rest of my life. Thank God God protected me all those years I was being raped by one man after another.

The fact that you want to be with child tells me there is something missing in your life that you would want a child to fill. Do you have any idea what it is? I hope that you know I am here to help reason things out with if you want to talk with me about anything. I do not know everything but I've learned a lot in 50 years. If I can help you have only to ask... Dawn love and hugs

Re: Big mistake
Posted by Kayleigh on Mon Aug 19 01:23:30 2002 (#5882)

Thanks everyone for your kind words. It's hard having no one here to talk to, I'm only glad I have you guys.

Dawn, I know you're right, there is definitely something missing. My parents don't love me (that sounds so childish). Obviously there is the parental love thing, but they've never once said that they do. They show no emotion what so ever and as a result I have grown up the same way. I have had hundreds of pets because I love to have something to hold and love.

I have decided to take the morning after pill and just spend my life wondering. Better than me spending a life regreting I suppose. Thanks, just knowing someone out there listens makes me happy.

Kayleigh

Re: Big mistake
Posted by Rhonda on Tue Aug 20 00:55:52 2002 (#5904)

Hey honey,
Personally I'm glad you decided to take the morning after pill. You need to be at peace(or at
least able to handle) with your life before you
commit to a child. I'm so glad we put Tara on the
birth control pill before all this started. There's no way she could have handled a child. Like the others have said, you made a mistake and
hopefully you've learned from it. No on condems
you for it. Mistakes happen to everyone. And don't
you dare believe for one minute that you are a slut!!!!! You care too much about what happened.
If I can help you in any way honey, you just let
me know. I will always be here for you. Take care
sweetie!
Love ya, Rhonda

Re: (just a) mistake
Posted by rick on Mon Aug 19 14:59:41 2002 (#5895)

Kayleigh,

I don't know if I have any business posting anything here or not. I'm a big boy, so I guess if someone says, "mind your own business", I can take it. I just felt I had to say 2 things.

First, you're definitly not a slut. You made a mistake. Everybody makes mistakes. Using this term to describe yourself doesn't help. Further, anything you did, you did to yourself. You didn't do anything to hurt anyone else. I know, that's easy for me to say, but it's true. Take it a little easy on yourself. Making a mistake doesn't make you a bad person.

Second, you talk about having a baby like you might think this would help to change your life. I ask you to consider things a little further. Are you able to give a baby the emotional and physical support it would need? Caring for a child is a daunting, full-time job. (believe me, I know!) Unlike your last mistake, this will effect another person, possibly for the rest of his/her life.

OK, one more thing. If this was the first time, the odds are very good that you won't catch anything or be pregnant. It could happen, but the odds are definitly in your favor. But, if you keep rolling the dice, eventually, they'll come up snake eyes.

Sorry if this sounded like a lecture. You probably get enough of those already.

Rick

whatever
Posted by kat on Sun Aug 18 21:34:58 2002 (#5863)

is it just me or does everyone feel that everything seems so pointless.

Is it wrong of me that my family and psychs think Im doing so well and I would love to just shock them by killing myself and leavin them with no clue as to why.

I think depression will be with me for the rest of my life, I was fucking cursed with this or something. The mistake was I was born. out of shame I guess..who knows.
born to a family who didnt want me. Isnt that just wonderful?

sorry this is a really bitchy post.
I dont know what Im feeling because I dont know a word for this feeling.

KAT

Re: whatever
Posted by Erryn on Sun Aug 18 23:37:08 2002 (#5872)

i hope you dont deside to kill yourself, but i understand that everything you do it dont matter something else ruins it i dont understand life i hope you feel better take care xxxErryn

Re: whatever
Posted by Kayleigh on Sun Aug 18 23:47:07 2002 (#5877)

Life is pointless. All we can do it make it worth something to us. This is a concept very few people are able to understand. And those who do, aren't always able to put it into practice.

Killing yourself to shock people sounds fun. I can't really advise you against it when I myself am considering it. So all I'll say, is that you should wait it out...maybe things will get better and you'll be happy you made the right decision.

{{{{{{{{ Kat }}}}}}}}}}
Posted by Dawn on Mon Aug 19 01:03:53 2002 (#5881)

Now ______(finger wiggling in your face) how many times do I have to tell you................... I bet you hate that as much as I do. So I'm not here to do it to you.

I'm here for you. But you already know that. I think some of you actually would rather post on the board than to email me with your problems. I'm ok with that. I do tend to speak my mind and tell it like it is when you just want to rant and rave.

I can't say I haven't ever wanted to shock the shit out of someone by just killing myself for spite. So you won't be getting a finger wiggling from me. Hell I only know what youve told me for over a year. The same goes for everyone on here. We only share our view of our lives with one another. And most likely we would get something totally different from other members of our families.

But from what you've shared on the board you get tired of playing pretend with people and just want to SHOW them what you really feel and think.

BEEN THERE DONE THAT. and most likely our family members wish the same thing, but they are not as likely to demonstrate it so distincly as we wound.

So Kat what is really the matter? You know I love you very much and wish the best for you, so how can I help. I'd email you but that probably would get me anywhere with the mood you're in. <3

Re: {{{{{{{{ Kat }}}}}}}}}}
Posted by kat on Mon Aug 19 01:49:51 2002 (#5883)

dawn, you make me smile and laugh at the same time, you know me very well.
:)
I will e-mail you.
thanks everyone
kat

Re: {{{{{{{{ Kat }}}}}}}}}}
Posted by Broken Girl on Mon Aug 19 12:18:49 2002 (#5890)

hi kat
i've missed you, i'm sorry you feel like that, but at least dawn has cheered you up.
love you forever, ella xXx

Re: whatever
Posted by Rhonda on Tue Aug 20 00:58:38 2002 (#5905)

KAT!!!!!!!!! XOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXO XOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXO
XOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXO XOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXO
XOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXO XOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXO
Here's a whole bunch of hugs and kisses just for
you. I hope you know I'll always love and care
about you. Email me if you ever want to talk or
anything. Take care honey!
Love ya, Rhonda

Re: whatever
Posted by *me* on Tue Aug 20 18:05:13 2002 (#5936)

Pointless...yeah I feel that way ALL the time. Don't know what to tell you, except I'm here if you need anything. Don't kill yourself, we care about you too much here. I'm here if you need anything - STAY SAFE.

livejournals???
Posted by scaredinthedark on Sun Aug 18 22:31:52 2002 (#5866)

hey everyone, i know what live journals are and i've been to a site where you can create one but it says i need a code from an existing user. can anyone help me with this? i'm really interested in maybe starting one. my friend wants to too but she doesn't have a code either. she's gettin one but i thought this would be quicker for me. if any of you can help me thanks a bunch. take care. <3 always, scaredinthedark

Re: livejournals???
Posted by Dark Love on Mon Aug 19 04:17:29 2002 (#5884)

I don't have any codes BUT you can get a free jourbal from the same makers at deadjournal.com and ujournal.org. *shrugs* I am Dark_love on both of those. Good luck

Re: livejournals???
Posted by Broken Girl on Mon Aug 19 12:16:36 2002 (#5889)

Hey
You don't need a code if you go to diaryland.com. Its all free.
Love Ella x
PS good luck sweetie!

Re: livejournals???
Posted by *poison on Mon Aug 19 21:54:14 2002 (#5899)

you now need a code to get into deadjournal.com i would give you mine but i already handed it out. sorry!

Re: livejournals???thanks everyone
Posted by scaredinthedark on Tue Aug 20 03:44:35 2002 (#5914)

that's ok. thanks for the help from all of you though. maybe i'll check it out. lol. take care. <3 always,
scaredinthedark

sliding, and not even expected to climbe
Posted by Broken Girl on Mon Aug 19 12:27:27 2002 (#5891)

I lie on my bed, unable to move. Paralized by it. This feeling congests me, eats away at me, I slowly ebb away.
I crawl to the bath room unable to walk properly. I am to scared to take a shadow in case I collapse. Walking down the street to the libary here, has nearly killed me.
But this is not what saddens me. This is not what fills me with dread. Becuase I know this is not rock bottom. I'm still sliding, always sliding. Soon my hours of disasociation will become days. Soon my half days of being paralized will fill out to full days, then full weeks. Soon the weeks of numbness will become months. Soon the wish to die will become need. Soon the inability to eat will result in starving.
And still no one cares. My family look through me.
I will never get 'better'. I'm not even expected to. As mum said, 'your a sad person, thats just the way you are.' Just like my friends said. There's no 'pull your self together' anymore, they've all resigned to the fact that this is me. Easy prey for those at school, a ghost at home, an empty shell.
Just the way I like it.

I was like that.. THERE IS HOPE
Posted by Dawn on Mon Aug 19 23:18:55 2002 (#5901)

I walked around in a cloud for 8 years, maybe even longer before I started being better. I finally was ok to be around family and packed up most of my possessions and rented a Uhaul and drove to my sisters town and later moved to a bigger town. Each time seemed the same though. Because I started overdosing and going to the nut house for a couple of days. Until they treatened to put me into a group home. Things were pretty bleak for a while. Then I moved again and drank free booze and the casino in Sparks and met Paul, who helped me drink and helped me get better by listening to me. It was like a miracle. Now I have bad moments not hours. I have bad days occassionaly instead of bad years. Moments are better than forever. You can have them too. Talk about what you are hiding from. Talk about the pain. Talk about what drives you into seclusion with you cloud of disociation. Then the cloud will go away and you will have blue skies instead of grey. I offer hope. Only you can grab hold of it and run with it until you are free. Love and hugs... Dawn

Re: sliding, and not even expected to climbe
Posted by Erryn on Tue Aug 20 03:09:42 2002 (#5911)

i hope you feel better just know im here for ya take care xxxErryn

Dawn, I'm a hopeless case, sorry...
Posted by Broken Girl on Tue Aug 20 11:30:29 2002 (#5919)

Dawn
I'm sorry, but for people like me there is no hope, I was born dead and unwanted. I've had periods of disasociation since i was a child. My lifes perpose is to warn others. To serve as a reminder of how bad things can get.
Ella xXx

New person here
Posted by Taeriel on Mon Aug 19 16:33:35 2002 (#5896)

Hey everyone. I found this site and decided to post a message. I was wondering - are we screwed up in some way, more than average ;), and that's why cutting feels so good, or would it feel that good to everyone if they did it?
Oh, if any of you wonder, I'm a 22 yr old f doing postgraduate studies.

Re: New person here
Posted by Nicke on Mon Aug 19 17:48:33 2002 (#5897)

Hi,

I don't think we are all screwed up as you put it...I think that for us, Self Harm has developed into a coping mechanism that we turn to just as drug addicts might turn to drugs, or smokers turn to their cigs at the time of need.

Good question though...

nicke

Re: New person here
Posted by Kayleigh on Mon Aug 19 20:32:07 2002 (#5898)

I can answer that. I have a friend who tried it and found pain did nothing but hurt. We're not screwed up, well...not all of us. We're just using pain for our own reasons. We happen to like it is all. Everybody hurts themselves. Our way is just more feared and less talked about than other ways.

{{{{ Good response Kayleigh }}}}
Posted by Dawn on Mon Aug 19 23:30:21 2002 (#5902)

I am 50 and you might say a post graduate in internal pain. When I used my scissors years ago I did not feel but a tiny bit of pain as the scissors snipped their way into my life. I do not cut more that 2 or 3 times a year, so it hurts when I do cut and it is so hard to cut on my arms anymore because I have to cut through old scars.
My bf smokes like a chimney. I believe I am able to endure more stress that he. He has what my sisters used to call ca-nip-sion-fits. If he know he will not be able to smoke he will smoke up to 5 cigs to get enough nicotien in his system to last a good amount of time. But he still needs smoke breaks just to get through a movie.

No, we are not that different. We all have our own way of coping with stress. My scissors are mine. What is your's?

Re: New person here
Posted by Rhonda on Tue Aug 20 01:05:19 2002 (#5906)

Hi,
Welcome to the board. I don't cut but my daughter
started when she was 14 and has now been cut-free
over a year. I started posting here to try and understand more about SI and have just keep coming
back. Tara is 19 now and it seems like years since
all this started. Oh well, these kids and few
young adults and even a few older ones have all
become like family to me. Some are doing okay
while others struggle daily. I just try to encourage them and let them know that I care. By
the way, what are you studying? Take care and email me if you ever want to talk.
Love, Rhonda

Re: New person here
Posted by Erryn on Tue Aug 20 03:08:45 2002 (#5910)

welcome im 26 yr old single mother of two and have been cutting for almost 12 yrs. i feel we are the same as smokers and drinkers but people who dont cut dont think that way they are scared, maybe we are different but we are still human, if you need anything just write take care xxxErryn

Re: New person here
Posted by ~Lone WOlf~ on Tue Aug 20 03:17:54 2002 (#5912)

Hi....it's a way of coping...not a durty habit

Re: New person here
Posted by Broken Girl on Tue Aug 20 11:47:41 2002 (#5921)

Hey
Well, I'm screwed up, but its not self harm that screwed me up, its what I've seen and lived with. Self harm helps me with that, its claming, just a coping mechanism. People think self harm is screwed up because its such a raw coping mechanism, but as everyone says its no different to smoking or drinking.
Love Ella xXx

Re: New person here
Posted by she on Tue Aug 20 12:31:31 2002 (#5926)

Hiya
xxxxxxxx
Urmmm i guess ive been pritty screwed up and i probably still am a little i would like to say that Si is makng me better and to start with it definatly did but now its another addiction hurmm im not making much sceance nevermind .
Enjoy it here
She~b

She, you always make sence! *NM*
Posted by Broken Girl on Tue Aug 20 16:05:41 2002 (#5931)

hee hee
Posted by she on Tue Aug 20 20:21:41 2002 (#5940)

lol you sure about that ella hurmm well aslong as you understand me cause i dont .
:)
*huggles*
She

Re: hee hee
Posted by Broken Girl on Thu Aug 22 12:23:08 2002 (#5981)

I DO always understand you! But the REAL question is... do you understand me???
hmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm?? ???????????????????
Ella x

once again i am away.
Posted by *poison on Mon Aug 19 21:59:54 2002 (#5900)

well i got stuck at my aunt's house for a week, i don't mind really but i just have a lot of commitments to tend to. oh well. so i just wanted to say that i probably won't be posting as much or if at all... not like i've been around much to post anything anyway. sorry guys. i just don't want her to get involved in my life. she's already giving me crap for wearing long sleeve shirts in the summertime and all her kids keep asking me about my scars, which they now think is caused from a cat when i was little....thank god their young and dont realize that cat's could not cut that deep....heh....oh well i love you all and i hope the best for you.

Amanda

I wish you well Amanda *NM*
Posted by Dawn on Mon Aug 19 23:32:30 2002 (#5903)

Re: once again i am away.
Posted by Rhonda on Tue Aug 20 01:06:20 2002 (#5907)

Take care sweetie and I'll be thinking about you.
Drop me a line whenever you can.
Love ya, Rhonda

Re: once again i am away.
Posted by Erryn on Tue Aug 20 02:57:34 2002 (#5908)

i hope you have a great visit and i wish you well to take care xxxErryn

Hope your ok and things work out *NM* *NM*
Posted by Broken Girl on Tue Aug 20 11:58:02 2002 (#5925)

Re: once again i am away.
Posted by *me* on Tue Aug 20 18:09:16 2002 (#5937)

Good luck at your aunt's house. Come around if you need anything. We're here :)!

Oh, and I just had to post about the cat thing - my MOTHER (a nurse, nonetheless) bought that lie from me. Massive scar on my shoulder...and she believed me. It's actually sort of funny in retrospect. People believe what they want to believe, I guess, no matter what their age.

Not shure if I'll stay
Posted by ~Lone WOlf~ on Tue Aug 20 03:26:56 2002 (#5913)

I"m still not shure if i'll stay....i don't know why i saying this or anything...i hope i don't come off as winy or something....w.e.
Later,
Lone

PLEASE STAY, we want you too *NM* *NM*
Posted by Broken Girl on Tue Aug 20 11:42:55 2002 (#5920)

Re: Not shure if I'll stay
Posted by she on Tue Aug 20 20:23:51 2002 (#5941)

Hiya
Its not up to me if you stay around of not but if you wernt to stay i would really miss you and im sure many others would also .
S~b

Re: Not shure if I'll stay
Posted by Rhonda on Wed Aug 21 02:01:32 2002 (#5950)

It's your choice on what to do, but whatever you
decide, know that I'll support you. Take care of
yourself.
LOve ya, Rhonda

Re: Not shure if I'll stay
Posted by Erryn on Thu Aug 22 02:52:58 2002 (#5967)

i hope you do decide to stay becuz you help alot of people and we care about you if you need anything just ask, take care xxxxErryn

U have my support either way. I'll miss U though *NM*
Posted by Dawn on Thu Aug 22 03:20:09 2002 (#5968)