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Threads 1251 to 1275

speed
Posted by ............ on Sat Aug 24 16:22:35 2002 (#6056)

whats it like? hows it feel when your on speed?whats the cumdown like?

cheers ......

Re: speed
Posted by Rhonda on Sat Aug 24 16:50:37 2002 (#6058)

I don't know since I don't do anything like that,
but please be careful. I wouldn't want anything
to happen to you. Take care and email me if you
ever want to talk.
Love, Rhonda

Re: speed
Posted by rick on Sat Aug 24 16:53:38 2002 (#6059)

I was a product of the late 60's and early 70's. You know, long hair, war protests and all that stuff. I'll tell you what I know:

Speed or amphetamines were in 3 types. Meth or methadrine (the most powerful), dexies (dexadrine) and benies (benadrine). Meth came in a pill called black beauties that lasted for about 8 hours. If meth was ground up in a powder, it was called crank. People would snort or shoot the powder for an instant rush.

Speed gives people a sense of euphoria and also a lot of energy. It reduces the appetite. Some people would stay up for days at a time while eating almost nothing. It also dramatically increases your heart rate. It is quite addictive.

Because of the increased heart rate etc. it is not uncommon for cardiac arrest (heart attack) to occur when large doses are consumed or it is taken over a long period of time.

When you crash, you crash hard. Because you use tremendous amounts of energy your body is totally depleted and you will sleep for many hours and maybe days. Some people just take more speed to avoid the inevitable crash. This, of course, only make things worse in the end.

Because it is addictive, some people continue doing speed for years until their body finally gives out. These people are pretty easy to spot. They are usually quite thin, appearing unhealthy. Often, there minds are pretty fried too.

I'm not a doctor and have no medical backround. Hope ya think twice.

Rick

Re: speed!!!
Posted by kat on Sat Aug 24 17:40:44 2002 (#6061)

Let me tell you something, speed was my drug of choice for a long time. It fucked me up so bad, I heard somewhere that speed makes you lose your hearing and also majorly messes with your liver, like any drug, just messes you up more then it makes you feel good. I always took it in school so all it made me do was do my school work alot faster but alot more incomplete. Speed is nothing wonderful, and I'd say please dont go into that world, and if you already are turn away now. I got help by being admitted to a hospital( ha there I go again). It's dangerous , speeed sucks. coming down off anything messes with me so I cant tell you exactly. If you want to cry for another pill, sweat on the floor and feel like a hopeless drug addict while sober then that's speed for you.
please be careful..
Hope I could help in talking you away from it
love
kat
PS. I didnt mean any of this in a mean way.

Re: speed!!!
Posted by she on Sat Aug 24 21:07:15 2002 (#6074)

uhh ohh
Urmm i could tell you about my blah blah experiences with drugs not speed but simular but basicly they werent good maby once or twice it was but it all came down to shit stuff that was worse then dying.
My advise to you is to figure out how much your addiction is gonna cost once youve worked it out add on a little more ,then (unless your very very well off) think of how your gonna pay for it because if you get in to shit belive me your dealer will not give it to you free add there is only one other way of paying .
she

Well I think they covered everything.
Posted by Dawn on Sun Aug 25 22:58:13 2002 (#6100)

I used to take whites, mini whites (beanies) Gotta lot of work done, felt like shit, every muscle in my body ached like hell, then I crashed-felt worse than shit.

Several years and many pounds later the doctor perscribed a diet aid can't even remember that correct name. As Rick described they were black capsules. I was wired for days on one pill. yes I loss weight, but almost lost my mind too. One particular night I had taken a friend for a ride and wound up at a diner in a beach town some 90 miles away and sat at the table laughing a a cop put a parking ticket on my truck. Not funny. The price was too high.

I mean I was so wired I put innocent lives in jeopardy for what? Finally I put the bottle of pills in the toilet and said goodbye to diet pills until they came out with one that didn't wire me. Again perscribed by doctor and covered by insurance. Was doing ok with them, they made me forget I had even taken them. Then I had a college class Drug and Alcohol of the 80s. I could not believe my eyes. My diet pills were right up there with heroin and cocaine. The pills were flushed went I returned home. Life is too short to be addicted to anything. So I'm over weight who gives a rat's ass. Better to be overweight that to die from drugs perscribed or otherwise.

I'm on enough medication to down a horse but if I didn't take them I'd be dead. Do I cop a buss off my meds? NO. Is it fun taking my medication? No. AS A MATTER OF FACT I CAN'T SEE ANY GOOD REASON TO THINK OF DRUGS IN A FUN WAY. There is no fun about it. I take my medications to hold onto the health I have and now it appears some of it might be my medication that caused my kidneys to fail. But we do not know which one. And my doctor has taken me off of my medication that can increase kidney failure.

So you see taking speed is not cool or fun. Matter of fact the drugs I used to take might be the reason for my health decline. Its your choice. Because you asked I've told it straight. Drugs kill.

She, Ella and anyone else who cares
Posted by Eleanor on Sat Aug 24 18:26:04 2002 (#6063)

hey you guys.
I've not been around for a while cause things have been a little hard but i wanted you to know i'm still thinking of you.
I miss you loads!!!!
It's my 18th birthday in less than 2 weeks, how weird is that??
Anyway, i love you my alaskan princess and my angel. hope things are ok with you?
Take care of your wonderful selves.
Loadsa love, el xxxxxxx

P.s loads of love to rhonda and everyone else, i miss you all. x

Re: She, Ella and anyone else who cares
Posted by Erryn on Sat Aug 24 20:17:23 2002 (#6065)

i hope things get better for you i miss you lots take care xxxErryn

Re: She, Ella and anyone else who cares
Posted by she on Sat Aug 24 21:01:04 2002 (#6073)

{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{wuggles}}}}}}}} }}}}}}}}

Eleanor hunnie i b missteling you very muchly very very very very muchly .I got sooooo much thingies to tell you ;):):):):.
{{{{{{{{{{{{{more wuggles}}}}}}}}}}}}}
Please please feel better soon we gotta talk bout our igloo cause it might start to melt :(:(:(:(:(.

Ohhhhhh hee hee tis your 18th soon you is gonna look absalutly beautifull in your pritty top :)
*cuggles*
Wuv you my pola queene
She~b

Re: She, Ella and anyone else who cares
Posted by Lone Wolf on Sun Aug 25 04:18:21 2002 (#6080)

*Droops* I miss you...

Re: She, Ella and anyone else who cares
Posted by stranger in the night on Sun Aug 25 15:53:02 2002 (#6086)

i care, happy birthday for whenever 2 weeks time is.

donna x

Re: She, Ella and anyone else who cares
Posted by Rhonda on Sun Aug 25 21:10:31 2002 (#6091)

Just take care of yourself honey. You know I care
about you. Happy Birthday in 2 weeks. I'll mark it
down and send you a card around that time. I hope things get easier for you soon. Let me know if I
can help out any. Take care.
Love ya lots,
Rhonda

I got memory like slug, so ill sing it
Posted by Dawn on Sun Aug 25 22:27:40 2002 (#6099)

HAPPY HAPPY BITHDAY BABY
OH YEAH YOUR THE BIG 18
ALMOST A GROW-UP
BUT A WOMAN NO LESS
A BEAUTIFUL WOMAN
I SUSPECT.

HAVE A HAPPY
HAVE A HAPPY
HAVE A HAPPY BIRTHDAY
many hugs too
from me to you
love Dawn

Re: She, Ella and anyone else who cares
Posted by Broken Girl on Tue Aug 27 11:15:05 2002 (#6164)

Hey Eleanor!
I've missed you SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO much! I hope everythings cool with you, are you alright? Happy Birthday in advance!
Love you loads and loads and loads,
Ella x

Thanks.
Posted by Eleanor on Tue Aug 27 20:47:55 2002 (#6207)

Thank you guys. I've missed coming here so much! It's so good to hear from you all. Take care and you know where i am if you need me, my email addys always open to you all!
Love you. x

Re: Thanks.
Posted by she on Wed Aug 28 12:54:55 2002 (#6236)

do be do be do
Whhhooooooo
Ok now eleanor pleeeaaaaaassssseeeee dont go please please please please *she grabs elanors ankles so she cant leave me *
{{{{{{{{{{huggles}}}}}}}}}}}
She~b

here i go
Posted by Erryn on Sun Aug 25 02:13:17 2002 (#6075)

i think next weekend will be it thanks love Erryn

Re: here i go
Posted by kat on Sun Aug 25 02:40:26 2002 (#6076)

im sorry
what are you referring to?

please be careful
love kat

Re: here i go
Posted by Lone Wolf on Sun Aug 25 04:21:27 2002 (#6081)

Oh dear...
It is not wise to plan a date..
you always end up riting it off in the end,
Please listen to me and think,
Your not alone,
Your not just in Pain,
Some things arn't solved emediatly,
*sighs* I don't know what to say. HOw can
my peuny words stop you anyway.
It's worth a damn shot.
Don't do it.
~lone~

Re: here i go
Posted by stranger in the night on Sun Aug 25 15:54:53 2002 (#6087)

hope that doesnt mean what i think it does.

take care

donna x

Re: here i go
Posted by Rhonda on Sun Aug 25 21:13:25 2002 (#6092)

Please don't plan for what I'm thinking you're
planning!!!!!!!! I know you're in pain and I do
wish so bad I could be there to help you. All I
can say is to hang in there and hopefully things
will ease off soon. (I know, easier said than done, right?) Anyway, if I can help in any way,
just let me know. I'm always here for you. Take
care of yourself.
Love ya, Rhonda

Sent you an email. Hope you change your mind
Posted by Dawn on Sun Aug 25 22:17:56 2002 (#6098)

I've been in my own shoes, only you walk in your's, so it isn't difficult to surmise you are talking about a date to commit suicide.

I know you have us caught in a joke right? So you can have a good laugh next week when you return from your vacation. Ha Ha real funny. Th joke is on us. We think to serious here right?

Seriously if you are talking about suicide please change your mind. It is not funny being a part of a plan like that. And the moment you posted it you included us in your plan. Not Fair.

Re: Sent you an email. Hope you change your mind
Posted by Eleanor on Tue Aug 27 20:10:21 2002 (#6197)

Erryn listen to me girl, you can't kill yourself if that's what you're talking about. what about your kids??? How are they going to feel growing up without their mom? Please think about this. I love you girl. el x

Please find someone to talk to
Posted by rick on Mon Aug 26 18:53:59 2002 (#6127)

I hope you're feeling different about things by then.

Later *NM*
Posted by Lone Wolf on Sun Aug 25 04:22:30 2002 (#6082)

Re: Later
Posted by Rhonda on Sun Aug 25 21:14:27 2002 (#6093)

Let me know how're you're doing. I do care about you. Take care of yourself.
Love ya, Rhonda

No regrets
Posted by Kayleigh on Sun Aug 25 04:38:03 2002 (#6083)

No regrets,
They don’t work.
No regrets now,
They only hurt.
Sing me a love song,
Drop me a line.
Suppose it’s just a point of view,
But they tell me I’m doing fine.

Everyone thinks I have a alcohol problem...do I? How do I know? How do I know what's wrong with me? I change every day...am I even a self-harmer? I'm pathetic. Can't even get my mistakes right. And by the way, I am drunk again.

Kayleigh

Re: No regrets
Posted by stranger in the night on Sun Aug 25 15:57:50 2002 (#6088)

(((((((((hugs)))))))))))

cant answer your question hun, but take care anyway. wont lecture you on your drinking, i dont like to be a hypocrite. hugs if wanted....((((HUGS))))

donna x

Re: No regrets
Posted by Rhonda on Sun Aug 25 21:17:38 2002 (#6094)

There is nothing wrong with you other than you're
hurting and trying to find a way to stop the hurting. You're not crazy or anything else and don't you let anyone else tell you that!! Be careful with the drinking. I'm not gonna tell you
to stop or anything, just be careful. If I can
ever do anything to help you, let me know.Take
care of yourself sweetie.
Love ya, Rhonda

Re: No regrets
Posted by Dawn on Sun Aug 25 22:01:49 2002 (#6097)

Hello, hope you are doing better. Everything Rhonda said "______" and there is only one person who knows whether you have a drinking problem and that is you. So don't listen to other voices. Listen to your own interal voice. I think when we do that we come to know who we really are.
Take care, stay safe love and hugs... Dawn

Re: No regrets
Posted by Eleanor on Tue Aug 27 20:12:28 2002 (#6198)

I drink too much too. i can't lecture you. just be careful hun ok? love always, el x

he always was the one to take care of me
Posted by mego on Sun Aug 25 12:05:54 2002 (#6085)

i talked to chris today. he went to get a physical, something's wrong with his heart, only half of it's working. he's gotta take medicine, change his diet, quit smoking, no biking, no baseball, no rough-housing. coughing too hard could kill him. sat on the phone with him for a couple hours, he started crying. he's at his grandparents, they didn't tell him, but they made it so that he and his mom (who he hadn't seen for 3 years) were up there at the same time. all they do is fight, he can't even talk to her. i was the first person he told, his dad doesn't even know yet. he comes home monday. he's so scared, i've spent all night crying and thinking about him. he keeps talking about how he isn't ready to die yet. this isn't happening. why chris?? what the fuck am i gonna do if something happens. "i wanna come home... i'm so lonely here, you know what that feels like... i don't know what's gonna happen, this is the first time i've been afraid for myself...promise you'll find someone to be with, you need someone to hold you... i'm only seventeen, by the time i'm 40 i'll be dead if this medicine doesn't work..." i'm so scared. i want him to come home now so i can see him and everything can be okay. nothings okay anymore. he found out about aderol too. people who have it perscribed to them are only supposed to take it 3 times a week, tops. i've taken 5 in the past 3 or 4 days. he doesn't know that though. i'm done with that. this time for real. what the fuck is goin on?? oh my god. i'm sorry. "i'm worried about you, you're not gonna hurt yourself, are you??..." what the fuck. don't worry about me, i'm fine. he's always the one with everything under control, now he needs me and i'm falling apart myself. not complaining, i want him here so bad, i want to make things better for him. how?? oh my god. this doesn't happen to people like him. this isn't happening, this should be a dream. i wanna wake up and for all this to be a nightmare. i want to talk to him and for him to be okay. "i'm coming home soon!! everything went great with my mom, i miss you guys but its okay, i'll come back and everything will be like before". thats what he deserves, thats what he should have told me. not this.

Re: he always was the one to take care of me
Posted by stranger in the night on Sun Aug 25 16:02:26 2002 (#6089)

i dont know what to say.....

im so sorry....

((((HUGS))))

hugs for both of you....

thinking of you,

donna x

Be strong and courageous!
Posted by Dawn on Sun Aug 25 21:55:06 2002 (#6096)

Step out of your pain and confusion and step into a new strong and courageous person and you will see a new part of you growing.

I'm sorry this is happening but God loves you both and knows better than I how change comes. Yes first we panic, cry, get angry before we find peace but peace will come if you use the time left to enjoy life and one another and God's grace that he isn't already gone and you don't have another day together.

THIS IS NOT THE END! We all are going to die one day, so take a deep breath, say a prayer for strength and step into the future on wobbly legs and see how quickly God will help you to stand, and press onward in courage

Re: Be strong and courageous!
Posted by Lone Wolf on Mon Aug 26 07:30:24 2002 (#6108)

By the heavens and the earth that suround us. If I could trade my heart for Chris's I would. The kid sounds like the angel you so need to survive. And are lucky enough to have. I was going to leave this board yesterday...but this is something I can not let go unposted. You are so much like me it's like I'm in two places at once. If only there was a way...don't say that. It only makes things worse.
If you have to cut,scream,bash,stomp,run,cook ,cry...do it. Or you shall go nuts within the night. You have to take this one day at a time...and not freak to badly. This is your chance to help the one person you truelly care about. See him,hug him,stay by his side. Help him threw his addictions that he must quit in order to survive. You are his lifelink...and by the sounds of it...he really really cares about you. My words are few and i'm struggling to write this. *Deap breath* This is not going to go away. YOu must remember that. You must be humble and wise...even though that sounds eratic and way out of base...forget it. Your mind shall do it uncontiously. See him as much as possible, talk to him till you get sick of each other. Trust him...tell him. He already trusts you..all you can do is give your trust to him now. Peace love and strong links of friendship shall keep him alive as long as his body can stand. I know what it feels like to have a heart condition...don't be afriad...try to be strong..it's for him and for yourself. If you are afriad, embrase that...use it to your advantage. Sit in his arms and cry together. It will help.
~Lone~

Re: he always was the one to take care of me
Posted by Eleanor on Tue Aug 27 20:16:10 2002 (#6200)

It's hard when your the one taking the bad news and doing the worrying. makes you wonder what we put others through doesn't it. My lil bros pretty much in the same boat as chris. if he doesn't have a heart translant before he's 20 he might die. it's scary shit. i really feel for you.
hope you're ok mego, i missed you girl. i'll mail you sometime ok? x

hey strangers...
Posted by stranger in the night on Sun Aug 25 16:06:40 2002 (#6090)

hey ho!just letting you nkow il be around more often hehe.......im having a shit time and cant rely solely upon myself...not this time...so get used to it! youve had your holiday/break from me...but now im back with a vengeance!

hope everyones doing as ok as can be

donna x

"although ive said too much, i havent said enough"
REM - losing my religion.

Hi, Hello, we are here for you welcome back *NM*
Posted by Dawn on Sun Aug 25 21:41:56 2002 (#6095)

Re: hey strangers...
Posted by she on Tue Aug 27 13:13:17 2002 (#6172)

Donnnnnnnnnnnnaaaaaaa!!!!!!!!
((((((((((huggles)))))))))
Whoooo lotssa lurvly people are back
much much love
she

Re: hey strangers...
Posted by Eleanor on Tue Aug 27 20:17:27 2002 (#6201)

I MISSED YOU!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! !!!!!!!!!! I'm soooooo glad you're back! i want a catch up email ok hunni?! Love you always, el xxx

Last night was scarry
Posted by Dawn on Mon Aug 26 00:18:39 2002 (#6105)

I am going to have surgery again. This time on something that sounds rude and crude but a big problem to a lot of people. I have hemoroids sometime they bleed. Yesterday they turned the water RED! abot 4 or 5 times. I started to go clip rosebuds from houses around the neighborhood when it suddenly hit me. I'M ANEMIC! AND NOW I'M LOSING MORE RED CELLS.. not a good thing. I felt light headed. so I drank a small glass of orange juice with sugar in it because I think orange jusice is too sour, [ this comingfrom a woman who eats whole lemons '6-8' at a time...well used too ]
n e way..... Paul and I went around the neighborhood and i got 2 rose buds and one blue thingie and my head was hurting so bad I had to return to my apartment. I had Paul bring my thermomater back and I took my temp and the talking therm.. spoke "your body tempature is 100 five degrees your body tem... No wonder I was freezing. It does that when I have a high fevor.

I was so scared I was dying and quickly called Paul and told him to come over. he was there a minute later when I was calling my doctors office. He picked up the therm. and was trying to read it. which ticked me off. I heard the damn thing. I know what I heard. Then he laid it down on my night table and I picked it up and read it myself 100 point 5. Then I felt stupid.

The doctor came back while I was on the toilet again because I'm suppose to take a stool softner everyday now. Paul was trying to tell me the doctor wanted me on the phone but I had to wash my hands and Paul was having a fit. Give me a break. The dr could wait while I washed up. n e way I was told to take a tylnol to bring down my fevor. It finally broke about 5 AM. I had asked Paul to stay because I wanted him near in case it didn't.

I took a nap while he playedone of his electronic games in the dining room. It is so great that he is so close.

It comforts and calms me so much. And he is so safe to be around. you cannot comprehend what that means to me. one of us can be naked and hug and it not be sexual, just caring. So he slept and he normally does in the nude and and I didn't care. The fact that my meds knock me out makes no difference. He is safe to be around and I am safe while he is around. I have to alway be on guard around other men. Paul is the only person I have felt abolutely safe with. That is not the case with deacons, doctors or even therapists .

Re: Last night was scarry
Posted by kat on Mon Aug 26 02:04:49 2002 (#6106)

Dawn, I hope to god you are okay.
Im glad you have Paul there to also watch over you .
Im sorry I cant say much more, feeling sick.
take care
*soooooo many hugs*
love KAT

[[[[[[ Thanks Kat ]]]]]]] *NM*
Posted by Dawn on Mon Aug 26 14:40:57 2002 (#6119)

Re: [[[[[[ Thanks Kat ]]]]]]]
Posted by she on Tue Aug 27 13:17:05 2002 (#6173)

xxx
I hope you feel loads better really soon .
Loads of love
She

Re: Last night was scarry
Posted by Eleanor on Tue Aug 27 20:18:52 2002 (#6202)

I hope everything turns out ok for you dawn. you deserve a bit of good luck and i hope it comes soon. take care of yourself. much love, el x

rough night
Posted by mego on Mon Aug 26 07:40:03 2002 (#6109)

just got off the phone with chris, 3 hour long, really fucking depressing conversation. "someday you're gonna wake up and realize how lonely you are..." yeah. i've been there for a while now. he was drunk, he kinda bitched at me for a while cause i only think of him as a friend. he pretty much told me that he wants me to loose my virginity to him. "do you know what its like to know what you want and know you can fix everything for someone and you can make them happy, and they don't want that because they don't think they're ready?? i need it so bad, like, its cool having my friends but thats not enough. you can't share that with someone whos just your friend. it sucks. megan, you don't even know how much i care about you, and you don't know how good it would be for you to feel that. its so frustrating because i can't change how you think and you're everything in the world to me and there is nothing i could do to show you that without being that close..." he was almost getting mad about it, kinda yelling. i was crying, i didn't want to be mean, but it was all just too much. "what the fuck do you want me to do chris?? i'm sorry, i wish i could change things for you, i wish i could make you happy, but i can't. what the fuck am i supposed to do to you to make it better for you?? i want you to be happy and i love you and you know i do but you know i can't do that" after that it got kinda quiet. ended up sayin goodnight, all that 'i love you, i'll see you tomorrow' shit. i don't know. i'm thinkin about it. like, i am seriously considering doing this because he is so unhappy right now and its hurting me so bad to know that hes not okay. i don't know what to do. we don't know how much time he has left, he's so afraid of dying lonely. i promised him he wouldn't. what am i gonna do??

Re: rough night
Posted by Lone Wolf on Mon Aug 26 07:43:58 2002 (#6111)

I'd go. I'd give up my whole life for him....
I'd make him happy,
I'd give myself to him
What's stopping you?

Re: rough night
Posted by rick on Mon Aug 26 13:33:48 2002 (#6117)

Megan, I will tell you this for what it's worth. I was a teenage boy once and I KNOW:

A guy, even if he genuinly cares about you (and I believe he does)will say anything and do almost anything to have sex. He knows he is hurting you, but like I said, he is going to push very hard on your emotions to get what he wants. I was there, hormones are very powerful.

I'm not saying what you should or shouldn't do. Inside, you know the answer to that. You probably know how you'll feel in the morning. Maybe that should be your gauge.

I'm just asking you to be aware that he is going to push your buttons if he can.

Rick

Re: rough night
Posted by rick on Mon Aug 26 13:43:37 2002 (#6118)

Mego,

I didn't read down to your previous post before I replied. I'm sorry about Chris.

Re: rough night
Posted by Dawn on Mon Aug 26 14:59:09 2002 (#6120)

Megan, ooh how do I say this and leave it open for you to decide... humph...

I don't do that well so I will give you my 50 year old opinion and you can do with it what you will.

This guy is good. He knows he can yell at you and make you apologize to him for making him upset. That has a lot of power in it. Love does not rob power.

Love does not tell you "if you love me you wil. Love tells you. I'm willing to wait til you are ready, not I'll berate you until you give in.

True love is giving yourself wholely to someone who respects your morals and asks nothing of you in return. Its loving the whole you and not just parts of you, sometimes, when they want something from you you are not ready to give. It is always kind.

If you are not sure try reading 1 Corthians chaper 13 the LOVE CHAPTER in the New Testament

I hope this helped you. Take what you want and leave the rest as they say in AA/NA/Alanon. Your friend Dawn (gee no story-- who'd have THUNK it...he he)

Re: rough night
Posted by Sam on Mon Aug 26 18:57:57 2002 (#6128)

Okay, so you really love chris as a friend, right? I think it's great that you have somebody that you can love and hate and argue with all at the same time.

As for the sex thing, if you're doubting yourself, you're not ready. Explain to him that you like the friendship you have and wouldn't want to ruin it.

While I'm typing this, I'm thinking I'M A FUCKING HYPOCRITE. I know what it's like to want to do anything to make somebody feel better, especially when you don't feel so great yourself. Call it a maternal instinct or something.

sorry for the bi-polar response. i'm in a weird mood.

Sam

Re: rough night
Posted by Lone Wolf on Tue Aug 27 01:12:08 2002 (#6140)

There right...my earlyer post was wrong. Forget my words. I"m no help. I'll just end up getting you hurt if you listen to me. Bye.

You're right too
Posted by rick on Tue Aug 27 13:10:04 2002 (#6171)

What a beautiful and generous thought, giving your love to someone who needs you, to someone who you love. In that way you were right.

To me, the difference is that love shouldn't be a power play to get something you want. I guess many of us are guilty of doing that sometimes though. It works both ways too.

Rick

Re: rough night
Posted by Rhonda on Tue Aug 27 01:48:58 2002 (#6144)

Here's something for you:
((((((((((((((((((((((((HUG) ))))))))))))))))))))))
You can use it as many times as you need too. I
just wish I could give you a real hugh. Take care
sweetie.
Love ya, Rhonda

Re: rough night
Posted by mego on Tue Aug 27 20:13:12 2002 (#6199)

thanks. he came home yesterday. i was so happy to see him but he's not gonna change what hes doin. still pullin bongs, smoking as many cigs as before, eatin whatever the hell he wants, i was layin in bed and he came and jumped on me when he got in, he's not supposed to be doin that shit. we didn't talk about the other shit, we were never alone to talk. its so weird, seeing him and talking to him and he's still chris, he doesn't look or act like someone whos dying. but i guess he can't, nobody really knows. he got me new pills, i can't remember the name, so i can take them instead of aderol. he said they do the same thing, only i can eat and sleep on them, which was what worried him with the aderol. whats gonna happen here?? today i don't know if im gonna get to be with him much, tina made plans for me and she doesn't know about chris, so there's no way for me to explain how important it is that i spend more time with him. i'll get outta some of her shit somehow. its funny, he gave me a hug and i had my head against his chest, i can hear how his heart beats three times, then a long pause, then the fourth beat. why didnt i notice before??

Re: rough night
Posted by Eleanor on Tue Aug 27 20:22:13 2002 (#6203)

baby you can't make a decision like that cause you feel bad that he's hurting. if you're not ready then you're not ready. just think about it ok. if you need to talk then mail me ok?

Closed
Posted by Lone Wolf on Mon Aug 26 07:40:18 2002 (#6110)

So many tears unshed.
When I feel like I want to cry,
The pain just rises until I fall,
Freely into dispair and dread,
Feeling so alone and unfed,
Down in the dumps,
It's so misused,

What do tears do for you anyway?
What kills is the mind..
I've hurd one say,
And agree so fully,
I scared him off,
LOL that'll be the day.

So alone and so cold,
Just wanting to be held,
I wish he was here,
I wish I could protect from
All the unclear,
But I can't.

That's life and that's me,
I"m nothing but agent C,
Closed.

Re: Closed
Posted by Dawn on Mon Aug 26 15:01:48 2002 (#6121)

I don't know what to say... It was good

Re: Closed
Posted by Lone Wolf on Tue Aug 27 01:14:54 2002 (#6141)

IT left you speachless....hmm...musta really sucked then.
NVM no one understands me.
Your not the first.

Re: Closed
Posted by Eleanor on Tue Aug 27 20:23:24 2002 (#6204)

I understand. i loved it. missed you. x

One must conqure one self before
Posted by Lone Wolf on Mon Aug 26 07:49:00 2002 (#6112)

What's stopping any of us?
WHy can't I just hang myself and get
it over with?
I want to so bad tonight.
I have nothing to live for,
I have no one to live for,
I'm emty inside.
Me? I am no me. I do not exist.
I'm just a shell...
An emty shell....
I wish I could drunk right now,
but there is no beer in teh house.
I don't like taking pills,
I get to fucking sick.
Please someone give me an escape rought.
Give me a way to Die?
Quick and Painless would be nice.
But if it's just quick that's fine.
I havn't cut for so long i don't even know
how long it's been. I"m sure if i went
back in my posts i could figure it out
but i'm to fucking lazy.
One must conqure one self before
one can conqure death? How does that sound?
I like that...thats my problem. SOmething
is stoping me. AND I FUCKING HATE IT! I just
want to climb that silo and jump
the hell off of it head first if i could.
*Sighs*
I'm so done.

please don't
Posted by rick on Mon Aug 26 13:16:33 2002 (#6116)

Maybe tomorrow will be a little better. Hang in there.

Rick

Borderline Personality Disorder
Posted by Dawn on Mon Aug 26 15:32:33 2002 (#6122)

empty, alone, numb, sad, anxious..... It all is part of the disorder. It isn't your fault. It is out of your control. But understand it can help a lot. I don't know how but it works.

Its like being diabetic and knowing if you eat sugar your blood sugar will go up. I can't do stress. When I am exposed to it in any way my BPD ges bonkers, runs amuk. It rarely fails too. So does my Post-Traumatic-stress-disorder , or my anxiety disorder. It takes a rocket scientist to sort out which disorder is having a feild day with my mind, so I don't ever try, because sometimes it is a little of everything and ALL AT THE SAME TIME which really makes me wig out

But when you are the one feeling hapless and hopeless and all that goes on in an episode the concept that its any one or all the above helps little because you are captured and held captive by mental disorder which are virtually out of your control. You only know LIFE IS CRAP AND I WANT OUT, but be of good cheer.... if you hold on one more day, one more hour, one more minute or even a second longer your feeling will change. THEY ALWAYS DO.

I can remember feeling shitty and sit down to write I feel shitty that by the time the thught is vanished before the words are on the paper. IT IS SOOOOO FRUSTRATING!!!!!!!!!!!

just tie another knot in your rope and hold on and before you know it your feelings will change and it will be easier to hold one until you see your counselor, shrink, or doctor again. Like the song says HOLD ON FOR ONE MORE DAY, JUST ONE MORE MINUTE.... YOU CAN DO IT.

I KNOW IT CAN BE DIFFICULT BUT IF I CAN DO IT ANYONE CAN... HOPE THIS HELPED... your friend and fellow cutter ... Dawn

Re: One must conqure one self before
Posted by kat on Mon Aug 26 23:06:41 2002 (#6137)

Ive figured out that life is more then just getting out, thats depression and dying certainly does not mean no more pain and heart ache.
Im sorry your feeling so shitty, I get like that too.
where I see no point in life, but maybe one day you will see a point, somewhere in something.
sory i cant help more
*hugs*
kat

Re: One must conqure one self before
Posted by Rhonda on Tue Aug 27 01:52:02 2002 (#6145)

Please be careful. I care about you and don't
want anything to happen. You write so good and I
really enjoy reading the things you do write.
Sorry I don't have any words to make things better,just know that I'm here for you whenever
you want to talk. Take care of yourself honey.
Love ya, Rhonda

no..no....no............
Posted by chez on Mon Aug 26 12:31:54 2002 (#6113)

help....I wanna die.....
whyam I feeling like this...?
I feel like crap....I feel sick
its just me....I know its just me.......
I dont know whats true anymore.....
I dontknow when Im acting like me.....I dont know......how can this be......I thought I was doing better.....Im always gonna be in this huge puddle of misery......even if I hold my boyfriends hand....even if we make love......even if we're holding eachother......he's always so far away.....so far....so far.....I love him so much.......but he cannot save me......he cant.....he is to perfect for me......but he doesnt understand me.......I know Im a very selfish person......but wouldnt anyone want the person they love to understand them and just only look at them? i do......I need him so bad.....but Im just so tired of everything......looking at him.....Im not me......I broke down today.....my moms not home my dads not here and my brothers not here......who gives a fuck....watch...tommorow Im gonna act like nothing happened and Im just fine.....its a cycle.....I cant stand it anymore...Im so tired....I dont wanna wake up......I cant do anything right.....I wanna die.
I saw a young girl get hit by a car....she's only 5...poor thing....she mustve been so scared....poor baby....please everyone...pray for her. please.

bye

Re: no..no....no............
Posted by Sam on Mon Aug 26 19:05:21 2002 (#6129)

I started reading your post, and I was thinking, "Wow, me too." I've got a great boyfriend and a pretty good life, but I'm completely self-absorbed and unhappy.

BUT...then I read the end, about the girl who was hit by a car. You're not selfish. The mere fact that you care really says a lot. You seem like you can see outside yourself, like you understand your problem. That's a HUGE step toward feeling better. Hope things turn out well.

Sam

Re: no..no....no............
Posted by kat on Mon Aug 26 23:05:13 2002 (#6136)

Im soo sorry your feelin like that babe. I hope it passes soon, if your like me I go in and out of phases of depression, oone week I want to die the next Im happy. its hard.
but stay in there and itll eventually get better I hope.
love always
take care
kat

Re: no..no....no............
Posted by Rhonda on Tue Aug 27 01:53:32 2002 (#6146)

I'll include the little girl in my prayers tonight. I'll also say prayers for you. HOpe you
don't mind. Take care sweetie, I care about you.
Love ya, Rhonda

poem
Posted by chez on Mon Aug 26 12:45:19 2002 (#6114)

wings of an angle....
one day she'll lift me high....
high into the clouds...where god will be near by
She'll whisper to me softly...
"you'll be just fine"
and I'll breathe in slowly...
"god will heal with time.."
I close my eyes and let it all go....
the pain and sorrow....the sadness and misery...
genltly but surely...goes off with the flow
will you cry?
i wonder....
"will you ever think of me?" I say
as I look down and see you there....
I just wonder...."is this fair?"
but you just look up into the sky....
watching the clouds pass you by.....
I will always love you....
I will always be by you side......
as the angels take me slowly.......
I say goodbye.......

Re: poem
Posted by kat on Mon Aug 26 23:03:38 2002 (#6135)

wow that was reallly good
*hugs*
kat
:)

Re: poem
Posted by Rhonda on Tue Aug 27 01:55:05 2002 (#6147)

The poem is amazing!!!! I printed it out for Tara.
I think I'll keep a copy also if you don't mind.
Take care honey.
Love ya, Rhonda

Wow...what peace to KNOW God is by your side *NM*
Posted by Dawn on Tue Aug 27 02:11:20 2002 (#6150)

NIGHTMARE AGAIN,, MAY BE TRIGGERING
Posted by Dawn on Mon Aug 26 16:31:25 2002 (#6123)

Not to talk about my sex life but last night was the first time in a year since Paul and I were intimate and it hurt. I started telling myself "you can hang it there. It won't be long til it is over" then I had flashack of saying the same thing time after time when I was married to my children' father, Bob.
ooooooooooooooh that's the connection to the nightmares.( remember that ok)

N E Way.. when the flashbacks came I knew I had to stop and show me that its ok to stop and that Paul would understand... and he did. I love him so much... but its not a giddy kind of teenage infatulation. It started out so funny and then he sent me a card and that made me take a second look. I'm certainly glad I did. I has taught me a lot about love and romance and TRUST AND SAFETY.

Then I woke up several times throughout the nite from this weird nightmares Bob.

In this dream... I am waken about 5 AM by the sound of people talking in my living room. When I go out there my oldest nephew and another shadey person are being held down by policemen. The police and me i I know these men and I say yes this is my long lost nephew and I am told a neighbor called the precinct and reported a breaking and entering and when they arrived my nephew David tells them his aunt lives here and by this time the premises are covered with police. My brother with his long hair and beard is there too and is trying to plug in my hugh speakers so they can here some "tunes".

I questioned my David and learned he arrived in my house before my last trip to the potty and possibly saw me naked and was sure he was lying. And for some reason I kepy saying to his road chum that when bob came home he was going to get a real ass-kickn. Over and over I said it. soooooo weird.

Bob is a smaller man that most but strong, ooh sooo strong with his upper body. He used to shimmy up "I beams" carrying a 5 pound can of paint sometimes 3 or more stories high. And even without his legs could kick ass. I was afraid of him and y nephew, David (his real name) was afraid of his too. (for real). We both had a healty fear of him. I still do. So I keep a lot of distance between him and me.
So n e way the nightmare was almost too real if you now what I mean. Which makes it even more frightening. On his worse days he is stronger than most othe men. That is equally frightening. So the dream was a very real possiblily. And they played out perfectly down to the tunes or the stereo which they turned up full blast. Today is Bob's 52nd birthday. A day I'm not suppose to remember according to Paul. I mentioned it last week and got rebuked for doing so. And September 5 was our wedding aniversery. Which Paul also thinks I should forget. but when Bob and I divorced I had been married to him half my life and his birthday like our anniversery and like my own. WE WERE SUPPOSE TO BE TOGETHER FOREVER SO THOSE DATES ARE ETCHED IN STONE IN MY MIND AND I CAN NOT just forget them even though we've been apart for about the same years as we were married 16. Thats a lot of years. I was 18 when we met, were together for 16 and divorce for good 16. you don't just forget.
Just like I can forget his raping me and me telling myself "it will be over soon, I just gotta hang on a coupl of minutes more." Those words cause a lot of stress by themselves. Not a good thing. I got out of bed just 4 hours aften turning off my lamp. I'm tired and have to get up in 2 and a have hours from now. I'm dosing off so I better hit the sheets. bye

Re: NIGHTMARE AGAIN,, MAY BE TRIGGERING
Posted by stranger in the night on Mon Aug 26 18:31:31 2002 (#6126)

hey hun, im sorry you had that nightmare, i can see how that must have been scary. i get nightmares all the time. and those words "hang in there, itll be over soon", those words, i dunno, i guess thats what i was saying in my head too....so yeah i can relate......hope you get a good nights sleep soon, take care

donna x

Re: NIGHTMARE AGAIN,, MAY BE TRIGGERING
Posted by kat on Mon Aug 26 23:08:28 2002 (#6138)

hmm possibly the meds are making you have bad dreams>? I know it says on seroquel a med im taking weird dreams is a side effect as odd as it sounds.
Im sorry Dawn , it seems like no matter how long its been since a certain incident occured it will never ever leave our minds as long as we live.
Stay strong
love
kat

used to come here...
Posted by not this time on Mon Aug 26 18:17:34 2002 (#6124)

hi
so, yeah, I used to come here, was quite a long time ago. I thought things had changed for me, in fact they have, but I'm slipping back into old habits. Mind swims a bit, irrational, angry, then it's back to breaking open the razors. Pisses me off that I still do it.
Ah well, whatever.

Re: used to come here...
Posted by stranger in the night on Mon Aug 26 18:26:56 2002 (#6125)

hey hun, sorry that youve slipped back in to old habits, (((HUGS))), but still in an ironic way would like to welcome you back! take care,

donna x

Re: used to come here...
Posted by Rhonda on Tue Aug 27 01:56:48 2002 (#6148)

Welcome back. Take care of yourself and be careful.
Love ya, Rhonda

We are lives on the mend here, hope it gets better *NM*
Posted by Dawn on Tue Aug 27 02:19:50 2002 (#6152)

Update on me
Posted by Sam on Mon Aug 26 19:20:19 2002 (#6130)

Hey everybody -

I know I haven't posted much lately. I've just been in one of those moods. (You all know what I'm talking about.)

Well, things have been changing. I got a new job at a bank instead of the indoor amusement park I've been working at, which I should be really happy about, but I'm not very good at adjusting to change.

The only reason I wanted the job was so that I could still afford to take dance lessons, but it turns out that I'll have to work at least 22 hours per week to be able to make my car payment, insurance payment, dance tuition, and gym membership. Since I'm taking a hard courseload this year, I won't have time to take dance anymore if I'm working that much, so I ended up quitting dance.

I don't know what's wrong with my health lately. I got sent home early from work yesterday for fainting. I've gotten used to fainting, but usually it's because I'm hungry or I've just gotten hurt. My doctor ran some blood tests to see if I'm anemic, (I passed out then, too)and he didn't find anything wrong. He even ran a pregnancy test, and (thank god) that came out negative. Any thoughts?

Sorry for rambling (if you-ve made it this far), but I needed to vent.

Take care,
Sam

Re: Update on me
Posted by scaredinthedark on Mon Aug 26 19:26:53 2002 (#6132)

sam, i'm sorry you had to quit dance. i love to dance. hey if you really love it, practice at home if you have any free time. or make up yur own dances. i used to take dance then i realized they were ruining the experience for me so i quit after my first recital. now i use all types of dancing to make up my own. if you do have free time then clear the floor and stretch and dance. i hope everything works out for you. i'm sorry about yur fainting too. that really sux. i've fainted once before but i was in my room so it didn't matter to me. please take care. if you ever need to talk im or email me. <3 ya. scaredinthedark

Re: Update on me
Posted by Dawn on Tue Aug 27 02:30:27 2002 (#6153)

I'm not a dancer but I do have a driver's license and I know that fainting can affect that so keep on top of this problem, make sure you eat so it doesn't happen again or they will take your lincense. don't want that to happen. I haven't lost my license but my car died 14 years ago and I to get used to public transportation, its great but you lose your freedom of flight. :) Dawn

Re: Update on me
Posted by stranger in the night on Tue Aug 27 16:57:02 2002 (#6182)

hey hun. sorry you had to quit dance! stupid money! wouldnt life be great if we didnt need money to survive lol! im daydreaming now! erm, dunno about your fainting, probably just stress or something? i was the same, went to the docs who said i was anemic but then said i wasnt....then just sent me away saying i was prone to fainting...in other words they didnt have a clue.....so dunno.....well hope your ok, take care xxx

sucky sucky life
Posted by scaredinthedark on Mon Aug 26 19:22:51 2002 (#6131)

i had a stupid physical today. the only thing is that they know about the cutting. they don't know i still do it. i lied. i don't want help. i start school tomorrow. competitions start soon and winter will be here and the homecoming is in october. i'm goin by myself cuz the boys don't like me enough. ahhhh they suck. i do love myself and i need sumone to love me back. i just don't like myself always. there is so a difference. i want sumone to go with. my party for my sweet 16 was a total disaster. the one boy i wanted to come didn't. i mean we've known each other since i was born. couldn't he have a little decency to come to my sweet 16 party. i mean idc if he hates me of like loves me it's still wrong not to come. by the way he wants me but he won't admit it and he lives in lakeville right now. he went to brockton instead of coming to my party. jerk. and it rained. yea it rained and i got a stupid thing on my lip. argh. life just sux doesn't it. oh yes very much. idk wat to do. i'm doing really well with driving. i can start on the street soon hopefully. idk wat else to write about. i had a ton of stuff but then i forgot it all. watever. i'm done talkin. maybe i'll go drive and go to the mall. i need to anyways. alright well bye then. <3 always, scaredinthedark

Re: sucky sucky life
Posted by kat on Mon Aug 26 23:01:13 2002 (#6134)

sorry your 16 wasnt so great.
My 16th birthday party was hell and my 17th was spent in the hospital, but we've got tons more birthdays to go right, dont worry sweetie.
good luck on drivin the streets
take care
*hugs*
KAT

Re: sucky sucky life
Posted by Dawn on Tue Aug 27 02:38:16 2002 (#6154)

By the time your my age its not important whose at which age party, its that you are still alive to have birthdays. I feel so old around you young things. he he. Take care and stay calm while driving the streets and you got it made in the shade haha. :) Dawn

Re: sucky sucky life. thanks
Posted by scaredinthedark on Tue Aug 27 03:14:58 2002 (#6158)

yea thank you both for posting to my post. lol. although i'm not good right now it made me feel better to know you all care. this boy i like a lot is leavin for college on the 10th. he's goin to florida university. that's so far from me. i'm in massachusetts. i'm gonna miss him. he saw me for my beauty that i had and wat's on the inside and he cares for me and he's leavin. he promised he'd talk to me online every night he could and spring break he'd come back and visit with me. i'm goin to the movies with him next weekend but it's sad cuz he's leavin me. i'm so proud of him for gettin to go. it's just another person i love is leavin. oh well. thanks again. <3 ya all forever. scareinthedark

Re: sucky sucky life
Posted by stranger in the night on Tue Aug 27 17:01:37 2002 (#6183)

hey hun! good luck with your driving! im starting to learn soon, cant wait! as for your 16th...sorry it didnt go so well, theres always your 17th! sorry cant think of anything more consolable (the right word?) to say......but take care!

donna x

school
Posted by kat on Mon Aug 26 22:59:02 2002 (#6133)

today was my first day back to school
10 months and Im out, : )
In class these girls "my friends" were talking about how they tried to kill themselfs and that they didnt have any scars on their wrists, here I am with tons of huge ugly scars all over, but I was wearing a jacket. Ugh I just wanted to bust out crying becayse of the way they were talking about people with "those kinds of scars".
ow pathetic some people are.
take care everyone
kat

Re: school
Posted by Rhonda on Tue Aug 27 01:59:46 2002 (#6149)

HOld your head up high KAT. I think you're better
than them if they feel that way about people
who cut. Take care of yourself sweetie.
Love ya, Rhonda

Re: school
Posted by Dawn on Tue Aug 27 02:49:12 2002 (#6155)

Kat, my dear friend, you have only 10 monhs left on school where clicks are in and scars are out. Thank God its not the other way. You are alive. We are all alive and yeah we have scars, I have tons too. And I wear them well with my chin up and a smile on my face and confuse the hell out of everyone I meet. Not that I try. I just live one day at a time. you can too. If they don't like it they can lump it. and just remember to live life the best you can knowing you are doing the best you can. go girl.:) Dawn

Re: school
Posted by chez on Tue Aug 27 03:42:10 2002 (#6160)

hey there sweety, how are you doing?
hows school? hope it goes good.
yea, I know what you mean, some people I know talk about how they think that people with scars are scary or freaky.....its like..."um...yea...thanks.." dont pay attention to them, they dont have a dam clue what we're going through. if anything seems to bother you or upset you, just email me ok? Im here always*
*Love you lots*
chelle

Re: school
Posted by Broken Girl on Tue Aug 27 11:34:54 2002 (#6168)

oh kat
i hate people like that. hey, thats probably why all my friends are like that too!
love you forever,
ella xXxXx

Re: school
Posted by stranger in the night on Tue Aug 27 17:03:56 2002 (#6184)

been there loads of times! its so frustrating isnt it hun? argh it makes me mad! but no point letting them get to you hun.........they just dont understand and never will.......society these days eh? take care chuck xxx

Re: school
Posted by Erryn on Thu Aug 29 00:33:11 2002 (#6251)

at least your almost out of school, i hope you can someday tell them to shut up, you only know, huh take care xxxErryn

I wish I could drive. *Grins Evily* *NM*
Posted by Lone Wolf on Tue Aug 27 01:42:25 2002 (#6142)

I still feel like crap. So tired...i slept till 4
Posted by Lone Wolf on Tue Aug 27 02:13:33 2002 (#6151)

pm today. oh joy joy happy me. missed my pill and now i sleep

SLEEP IS GOOD!!!! wish I did it more. *NM*
Posted by Dawn on Tue Aug 27 02:52:04 2002 (#6156)

Re: I still feel like crap. So tired...i slept til
Posted by Broken Girl on Tue Aug 27 11:33:00 2002 (#6167)

Hey
I dont get to sleep till four in the morning most nights, and get up at nine or ten, I'm SO tired...

Re: I still feel like crap. So tired...i slept til
Posted by stranger in the night on Tue Aug 27 17:05:39 2002 (#6185)

right there with you.....

hang in there

xx

News
Posted by Dawn on Tue Aug 27 03:04:13 2002 (#6157)

I don't guess its a national concern but here in Oregon, USA its all they showed for several days. Two girls missing for months their remains found on some property rented by this guy who lived not far away. One girls remains has been identified after police and FBI agents searched the man's property. More remains were found as well and with bated breath for identifcation to be made on it.

I am so lucky to be alive. I ran away so many times, got in so many cars with stranger and was lucky they only raped me. It could have been worse. Deadly in fact. Thank God He spared my life.

Re: News
Posted by Lone Wolf on Tue Aug 27 03:29:18 2002 (#6159)

Sometimes I wish i could just be raped...would anyone be willing to do thta to me? please.

Re: News
Posted by thecutthatneverheals on Tue Aug 27 07:55:23 2002 (#6163)

the hell?

Re: News
Posted by Lone Wolf on Wed Aug 28 04:56:20 2002 (#6216)

What? I can't get much more screwed up. If i could just land in a hospitol maybie somebody would finally help me. I can't help myself anymore. I've done all i can do. Rape sounds like a good way, it's better than jumping off the silo.

lone...
Posted by kat on Wed Aug 28 05:16:43 2002 (#6220)

sweetie, I see you want to get into a hosp.
its not THAT hard you dont have to prove anyone to anyone around you to get them to help you.
I understand it takes more then just going there, but you can find a local one ask for some help
theyd be glad to help you
take care
kat

Re: News
Posted by Taeriel on Tue Aug 27 15:35:00 2002 (#6181)

Don't. Just don't. Believe me.

Re: News
Posted by stranger in the night on Tue Aug 27 17:08:08 2002 (#6186)

i heard about those two girls.....same over here....two girls went missing holly and jessica.......now their dead cuz some psycho killed them........its so sad this world.....living hell.

NO Pity, no I"m sorry's. THis is right.
Posted by Lone Wolf on Tue Aug 27 04:11:36 2002 (#6161)

I recently recieved this from a friend that one day left me...dissapeared and hasn't talked to me in a long time. I never realized how bad I had gotten, how much her words are so right. Non of you here really know me...so non of you can really judge me. But I say...her words are right. I was this bad...and i needed the swift kick in the ass. I now see hwo much I really need. Yet I do not get to see my phsyke more than a few times a year...and soon hardly at all. *Sighs* Here...i'll let you read...no one dare say anything horrible please. I do not regret her words. And the pian is what I deserve.

This is the last time I will ever talk to you again, Megan, and it's just to set one thing straight. Exactly why I stopped talking to you. I have a feeling I'm wasting my time though. You don't seem to understand what you don't want to believe so you go and change it around to try to make people pity you. But anyway, role playing to me is supposed to be an escape away from all of the things in my life that annoy or upset me. It isn't supposed to be something that makes me feel more and more depressed EVERY SINGLE DAY. How many times have I told you that I was tired of your CONSTANT 'not so good moods' and your CONSTANT whining about your life and just about everything else under the sun? I can clearly remember two times, both of which I also stated that I really didn't want to talk to you anymore. Also both of which times you said that you were sorry over and over again and PROMISED and SWORE to me that you would never do something like that again. You promised your friend that you would not make her feel terrible anymore. Thanks a bunch for doing a great job of keeping that promise, Megan. So plain and simple now. I stopped talking to you because you ignored me and didn't care about my feelings. You can now go back to whining and spreading rumors. I can't hear you anymore.

Re: NO Pity, no I"m sorry's. THis is right.
Posted by Broken Girl on Tue Aug 27 11:31:36 2002 (#6166)

I dont know what to say... you dont want to hear that you dont deserve it, but then you'd know thats what we'd think, becuase I dont think you do... sorry, I'm in no fit condition to answer this *sigh* sorry, I dont know what you want to hear and how to help you, just to let you know your in my thoughts, I'll let the others give you proper advice, i'm no good, anyway, sorry about this...
Ella xXxXx

you are what you are
Posted by rick on Tue Aug 27 13:57:55 2002 (#6179)

Lone,

IMHO, you are what you are and your friend is what she is.

You can no more stop feeling depressed right now than a tiger can change it's stripes. Your friend can't be around someone who feels depressed without it bringing her down. To be honest, I know how your friend feels. She can't change this either.

I don't think it's your fault or her fault. It just is.

Maybe someday you'll change or she'll change and things will work again. People do change. Till then, I hope you find a friend who enjoys being with you. Someone who can appreciate the wonderful person you are.

Rick

Re: you are what you are
Posted by stranger in the night on Tue Aug 27 17:13:07 2002 (#6187)

even though you say you dont want to hear it ill still say it because its my opinion......i dont know you but i dont think that you deserved that..noone does....and why else would you tell us about this , surely you must have wanted some reassurance that what she said isnt all true maybe? i dunno...take care xxx

Maybe I misread something
Posted by Dawn on Tue Aug 27 18:58:00 2002 (#6191)

I could almost swear that you said you didn't want horrible words about the note . Maybe I need to read it. No I am not going to read her lies again. She must not have been a good friend or she couldn't/wouldn't have stopped listening to you.

That is like an adult seeing and hearing a child cry and spank the child for crying and walk away. NOT NICE, NOT FAIR, NOT RIGHT, NOT FRIENDSHIP.

Trust me, I tell my stories of woo a lot and I walk around my life wearing my own pitty potty, yet I still have friends who care enough to listen as I try to make sense of my misfortune. Its tough being depressed. Its also out of your control just like it is out of her control.

To me, this note you shared was uncalled for and very unfriendly. ooooooooh it gets my goat how some people are.

I've been depressed ALL MY LIFE. I know no other way to be. I didn't comprehend that until I started getting better. and there has been plenty of events in my life that were/are very painful to live through. Yet here I am trying to tell you you will be ok. You will see a change if you do not give up on yourself and call it quits and quit talking to yourself because you are too depressed to listen anymore like whoever that other girl was and did.

I am reminded of the Serenity Prayer to accept things we can not change and change the things we can. I cannot change my depressed mood even when I laugh at myself, neither can you. so I have to accept it as part of my nature and I work very hard at identifying the causes and making sense of them. And I am getting better. Someday you will be too. And I will be here for you every day you need me to be. So smile and tell yourself "I love myself just the way I am (as God does too) and be the best friend your self needs you to be.

Write a list of all the things that depress you and email it to me and I will share your burden with you, until you are strong enough to carry it alone. ok,, ok I'll be expecting it in my mailbox soon.{{{{{{{ HUGS }}}}}}}}}} :) Dawn

Re: NO Pity, no I"m sorry's. THis is right.
Posted by Rhonda on Wed Aug 28 01:43:44 2002 (#6211)

((((((((((((((((((((((((HUGS)) ))))))))))))))))))))
Let me know if I can help you out. TAke care honey.
Love ya, Rhonda

eating disorder
Posted by kat on Tue Aug 27 04:58:28 2002 (#6162)

my eating disorder is getting the best of me,.
I need some help
anyone got a good site, or message board?
please anything
love
kat

Re: eating disorder
Posted by Taeriel on Tue Aug 27 13:52:07 2002 (#6177)

Hey kat.
Try www.futurebird.com /~shadows. Very open minded, may be triggering, but she discusses ALL sides of eating disorders. May help you understand some things.
By the way, I hope you're feeling a bit better - you were very upset last week.
Thinking of you.
Love Taeriel.

Re: eating disorder
Posted by stranger in the night on Tue Aug 27 17:14:25 2002 (#6188)

i have a link to a good one somewhere, ill find it and post you it later. remind me if i forget...it is a good site.

Re: eating disorder
Posted by Sam on Tue Aug 27 19:04:47 2002 (#6192)

I can't recommend anything on the web for you except my e-mail address. I'm here to listen if you need me.

Sam

bck to being a good little girl,probably trigerin
Posted by Broken Girl on Tue Aug 27 11:27:01 2002 (#6165)

I'm cutting everyday, I'm awake all night. But at least I'm not hurting anyone anymore... It can be so hard to smile and pretend, but its worth it in the end... everyones talking about how great it is to have the old ella back, mum, joe, lily... To think I can bring them happiness, all I have to do is smile and laugh, oh god I'm so tired, why can't I sleep? sorry, this makes no sence... I just have to pretend its ok, then I can cut all night... last night I cut 'help me' into my leg, I must be losing it big time, no I'm not, I'm helping people... its better to pretend, it is, isnt it? well, I've started now, I might as well carry on... what does it matter... I'm not worth it... f*ck it, i shouldnt start drinking at nine in the morning... oh well... hopefully I'll die soon.

Re: bck to being a good little girl,probably trige
Posted by Taeriel on Tue Aug 27 13:56:18 2002 (#6178)

Hey, I know how you feel. Be careful - once you start pretending everything is OK it's VERY hard to admit that they're not.
It feels wonderful when everyone thinks you're fine, noone worries any more, you're no longer a dissapointment. Maybe try and figure out the thing that's hurting you the most and tell people about it. Loved ones often feel swamped and unable to cope when faced with a huge mountain of problems.
Take care, remember, it can't rain all the time.
Love Taeriel

Re: bck to being a good little girl,probably trige
Posted by Eleanor on Tue Aug 27 20:46:11 2002 (#6206)

hey angel. i've missed you. i'm so sorry things are bad. email me ok? I need to know you're alright. someday soon me, you and she will be having a party in our igloo and all this will be over, just think of that. love you. x

Re: bck to being a good little girl,probably trige
Posted by stranger in the night on Tue Aug 27 17:17:11 2002 (#6189)

im right where you are now hun, i can relate to that. awake all night, cutting everyday. its so hard, pretending to be happy, helping others feel happy. honestly i swear your my online reflection! sorry that you feel the same as me :(

take care hun, you deserve better than this xxxx

another "good girl"
Posted by Sam on Tue Aug 27 19:08:54 2002 (#6193)

I know how you feel. People who have never dealt with SI don't understand that you can't just "get better" and have everything turn out like a fairy tale. Don't give up hope, though. We're all here for you.

Re: bck to being a good little girl,probably trige
Posted by kat on Wed Aug 28 04:57:33 2002 (#6218)

Ella..Im really sorry
I dont know what to say
it seems the more I know the person the harder it is for me to reach out and help.
please take care
know that I care and am thinking about you, really.
*hugs*
kat

Anyone heard from Erryn?
Posted by Taeriel on Tue Aug 27 15:32:00 2002 (#6180)

Hey, I was wondering if she was OK.

Re: Anyone heard from Erryn?
Posted by Eleanor on Tue Aug 27 20:44:24 2002 (#6205)

i was wondering that too. hi by the way, i'm eleanor. you're new right? I'm usually around a lot but i've been away for a while. it's good to see some new faces, hope we can help. love el x

Thanks
Posted by Taeriel on Wed Aug 28 09:29:37 2002 (#6229)

Hey, thanks. Been here for about a week??? Seems longer. Thanks for the kind words.

Re: Anyone heard from Erryn?
Posted by kat on Wed Aug 28 04:56:36 2002 (#6217)

i hope so

kat

Re: Anyone heard from Erryn?
Posted by Lone Wolf on Wed Aug 28 05:15:08 2002 (#6219)

*Tears* no...if she gives up i don't know what I"ll do...what about Jamie...has anyone hurd from her? And Vapor????GUys are you out there? *Sniffs* Please answer us....

Re: Anyone heard from Erryn?
Posted by kat on Wed Aug 28 05:18:41 2002 (#6221)

ya thats the hard thing about this board, you never know what happens to someone when you dont hear from them anymore.
countless number of people Im sure have come and gone
in what way though
:(
kat

Re: Anyone heard from Erryn?
Posted by Lone Wolf on Wed Aug 28 05:25:22 2002 (#6223)

In the same way i feel like going right now.

Re: Anyone heard from Erryn?
Posted by Taeriel on Wed Aug 28 09:32:34 2002 (#6230)

Well, maybe she's on holiday or something. I think we all become so close to each other, and understand how depressed we all are, that we fear the worst.
I really, really, really hope she's OK.