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Threads 1276 to 1300

hmm
Posted by stranger in the night on Tue Aug 27 17:21:11 2002 (#6190)

hey all, just bin replying to posts...i didnt realise how long its been since ive actually replied to peoples posts....geesh im self obsessed!

ive been cutting a lot more lately, everyday, and carving cow and failure in to my legs too......suprised i got the energy. infact i have no energy left to rant about what i was going to rant about so ill come back later!

hope everyones as ok as can be

donna xxx

Re: hmm
Posted by Dawn on Tue Aug 27 19:21:32 2002 (#6194)

I'm very sorry you feel so bad. Is there anything I can do to help? I remember cutting everyday, some time a lot, some days just scratches or marks from the blade of the knife I picked up and slid across my arm a hundred times or so. That was on my better days.
I'm glad I'm not that sick anymore. Hope your better soon. I will be praying fo you :) Dawn

Re: hmm
Posted by Rhonda on Wed Aug 28 01:39:21 2002 (#6210)

Donna,
Hope you feel better soon. Please keep you cuts
clean and dry for me okay? Let me know if I can
help you in any way. Take care sweetie.
Love ya, Rhonda

Re: hmm
Posted by kat on Wed Aug 28 04:56:03 2002 (#6215)

hey there sweetie
Im sorry you arent doin so great
Im right there with ya
carving things like
"cow" "fat" "ugly"
I dunno they seem to satisfy me for at least a day about my self image, I dunno bout you.
sorry
take care
kat

Re: hmm
Posted by Broken Girl on Thu Aug 29 16:18:24 2002 (#6266)

I've taken to carving 'help me' into my leg, I've done it three times in the past two weeks, and 'ugly' is a common word too... love you forever, xXxXx

Re: hmm
Posted by Erryn on Thu Aug 29 00:30:58 2002 (#6250)

hope you are doing okay besides cutting, but we know how that is, take care xxxErryn

"I Got Tired Of Pretending"
Posted by Dawn on Tue Aug 27 19:49:20 2002 (#6195)

That is the actual name of a book I bought with what was left of my income after I paid rent, bought a bus pass and paid my electric and gas bills. The price was $8.95 and I had to stretch my shampoo, toilet paper, and dishsoap for another month. What an awful time I had. I don't know how I survived. Oh yeah....it could be worse. I could still be with Bob. That is how I did it. I remembered my ex-husband and I cut with joy with him out of my life.

NEway... Bob Earl, who wrote the book talked at length about the day he couldn't "do it anymore" (couldn't pretend another day.. For me I couldn't say, "I;m ok" one more time. And like it or not I'd tell whoever asked how I really felt. I'd tell the grocery clerk who wore her plastic smile. I'd tell the man out walking his dog.. I'd tell anyone... absolutely anyone. I figured they'd either stop asking people or they'd stop pretending themselves. I remebered this while reading todays or last nights posts.

Pretending doesnt help YOU. It doesn't hep others and it could cost an arm or a leg (whichever you use)

You might find it helpful. I sure did. Maybe Amazon>com has it somewhwere around. Mine cope is paperback so you might find one in a specialy store.

Just thught I'd pass it on.

Re: "I Got Tired Of Pretending"
Posted by kat on Wed Aug 28 04:54:45 2002 (#6213)

cool
thanks for that
i love reading
take care
kat
:)

I'm having a hard time the last few days
Posted by Dawn on Tue Aug 27 20:02:00 2002 (#6196)

The word is out. Both girls bodies were found "somewhere in the back yard". Now there is going to be a long dragged out trial.

Some times I wonder why the crminal just confesses and be done with it. Why waste taxpayers money.

yesterday I heard that because both girls were 14 or under made it a definte death penalty case. How many times can you kill the guy? once doesn't seem enough and twice isn't any better.

Yes I'm a Christain and believe in forgiveness and mercy, but give me a break...... it is a good thing I'm not a jury person. Not a good thing.. no not a good thing at all. I have all these pent up emotions and want revenge.

I want this guy to fry... I'm so bad. no BAD i should cut and mark this day on my body as the day... well no matter... I think I'll eat a brownie but I like the cuttng idea better I justdon't need to lose any more red cells.

Re: I'm having a hard time the last few days
Posted by Rhonda on Wed Aug 28 01:36:53 2002 (#6209)

Hey Dawn,
Don't worry about wanting the guy to fry cause
that's what I want also!!! And I'm a Christian
too. But remember in the Bible, it's says "an
eye for an eye". Personally, if you take a life,
I think you should pay with your own life. I know
a lot of people will argue with me, but we can't keep putting people in prison over and over again.
This gut supposedly raped and tried to kill his own sons girlfriend!!! How much more messed up can
he get?!!!! I try not to get really upset cause I
know when they die and meet their Maker, they will
have to answer for what they did. What goes around, comes around. I truly beleive in that. I'm
sorry you're in a bad place right now, but with
your faith in God, I think you'll be fine. Just
keep the faith. Take care of yourself my dear
friend.
Love ya lots and lots,
Rhonda

Re: I'm having a hard time the last few days
Posted by rick on Wed Aug 28 04:55:02 2002 (#6214)

This guy didn't care about these girls. He probably never gave a thought to their families. These girls had mothers and fathers and friends. For his own perverted reasons, he used them and killed them when he was done.

Sorry if this is cold, but he deserves to die. I think I could throw the switch myself. If it was one of my kids, I know I could.

Dawn, I'm a Christian too. I don't think you have anything to be ashamed of. This guy is just evil. In the end God will judge him. Until then, I hope we make sure he can never do this again.

Rick

An Eye for an Eye
Posted by Lone Wolf on Wed Aug 28 05:23:23 2002 (#6222)

What does it matter to just stop one thougH? There are thousands of those "one's" out there. It is just goign to get worse.

Re: An Eye for an Eye
Posted by rick on Wed Aug 28 05:44:36 2002 (#6225)

There may be a thousand like him. But, there are millions of good people too Megan.

Rick

Just keep going.
Posted by Taeriel on Wed Aug 28 09:39:03 2002 (#6231)

I know how Megan feels though, it seems like we just keep running into the bad ones, right?
I have so much rage, I'd love to take all the animal abusers and tie them up in their own excrement without food or water for days and days... but I can't. So i just do what i can to help and try to keep going.

An Eye for an Eye and we'd all be blind *NM*
Posted by Broken Girl on Thu Aug 29 16:16:03 2002 (#6265)

Re: I'm having a hard time the last few days
Posted by Erryn on Thu Aug 29 00:29:49 2002 (#6249)

i just heard about that its so sad the poor families and girls im glad they have the bastard take care xxxErryn

update-sorry for not posting recently
Posted by *Poison on Wed Aug 28 00:51:51 2002 (#6208)

well everyone. i was doing really good for about a week and that is a long time for me. everything started to fall into place. i have a wonderful boyfriend. who is very caring but also has his set of problems...he cuts himself too. but we're not about competition we're more about helping each other to talk more and use other options for cutting.

i haven't cut in about a month and a half. and really haven't had many strong urges to either. i start school tomorrow. i moved back in with my dad. so at least i get to see all my old friends.

i was doing so well.....and then today happened. Pinky (that's my BF nickname) is extremely depressed. his bestfriend really doesn't care about him anymore. he feels guilty for his ex girlfriend's (also one of my friends) promiscuity(sp?) and her starting to cut again. and his aunt is extremely depressed and no one knows why. and he's just got a lot on his plate he won't talk to me though. and we're usually really close. we were friends before we started to go out. and ever since i read in his journal that he was feeling unicorns (our codename for suicidal) i immedately started going downhill.

now i'm at a point where i just want to go crawl into a corner and wither away. it's funny how you can be depressed for years and then one good week comes and you totally forget about the depression and then when it hits again, your hit even harder. i'm sorry i can't write anymore...i'm too depressed...

I love you all and i hope i can be forgiven for not responding to your posts lately.

Amanda

Re: update-sorry for not posting recently
Posted by Lone Wolf on Wed Aug 28 05:28:49 2002 (#6224)

Ah baby...I feel for you...likewise i can not post...i'm to depressed ot think and i must be off for my mother's vioce is constant.

I've missed you but I understand
Posted by Dawn on Wed Aug 28 06:17:24 2002 (#6226)

I spent this afternoon binging, then sleeping. I didn't have bad dreams and got some much needed sleep and feel much better. Maybe that would help you. I have found through my years of recovery that when I'm not sleeping well I am more prone to cut and dealing with stress is harder to do. Then I wig out big. So my sound advise for the day is sleep and plenty of it, as long as it isn't full of nightmares.

I really have mssed you. Dawn

Re: update-sorry for not posting recently
Posted by Taeriel on Wed Aug 28 09:41:33 2002 (#6232)

Hey, I know what you mean. It's 1 step forward, 800000 back.

Re: update-sorry for not posting recently
Posted by Erryn on Thu Aug 29 00:28:17 2002 (#6248)

im just glad you are okay keep us posted and good luck take care xxxErryn

i know
Posted by kat on Wed Aug 28 04:53:32 2002 (#6212)

It seems like I only post when I need something but that is totally not truee.
I have posted here a long time, but its just Im having a rough umm month? year? I dunno.
: /
I cut last night.
I dont know I feel an obligation to tell you guys
nothing anyone can say can change it
you know?
anyways thanks for listening
love ya
kat

It is just a slip. You are ok.
Posted by Dawn on Wed Aug 28 06:25:09 2002 (#6227)

Hi sweetie. Sorry you are having a hard time lately I know it is difficult. It a is difficult time of year with school starting up again and the whole first of the school year hassels and getting the schedules planted in your brain. It takes awhile even for sane people to get their feet planted. And then there are those of us who have a hard time with mind and emotions we deal with everyday. Its hard. Too many pressure for me and I am50 years old and haven't tried my hand at college for4 years now.

Hang in there and email me if you find the timend emotinal energy to do so. I love you you know that. :) Dawn

Re: It is just a slip. You are ok.
Posted by Taeriel on Wed Aug 28 09:44:06 2002 (#6233)

Hey, take it easy. I know it's difficult. You will get through it one day, you're a good person and you deserve to be happy.
love Taeriel

Re: i know
Posted by Erryn on Thu Aug 29 00:26:53 2002 (#6247)

thats why we are here to help you i love hearing from you even if something happens, take care xxxErryn

arrgggggggg TRIGGERING sorry
Posted by Dawn on Wed Aug 28 06:54:31 2002 (#6228)

I tried watching tv but I can't handle violence or even investiations right now. I feel like I'm a teenager again and living through all my rapes. Knowing now how lucky I was I survived. I did want I had to do and I lived. But sometimes I wonder for what?

One thing bothers me a lot. One day (during my early days of my breakdown -- while Istill had a car) I was turning at an intercetion (sp) and God spoke into my heart as he sometimes does "What are you going to do when you get to heaven and some of your perpetrators are there?" It was a wonder I made it around the corner without crashing into the house there.

My immediate response was "THEN I'M NOT GOING!"

Years have past and with His mightly love, forgiveness and a whole lot of Grace I have opened my heart and have forgiven my attackers more than I thought was possible. Even my father who abused me without be being aware of what he was doing at the time.

The thing is that was who God was talking about that day. I had recently remembered some things and saw them under the light of an adult and know without a doubt that while he was beating me with my panties down he was getting his jollies, and the way he watched me pee when he had to carry me around because he and my mother had not taken me to the hospital when I cut my foot on some glass and it got infected and too swolen to walk on. HOW DARE HE DO THAT TO ME. I LOVED HIM SO MUCH. HE WAS MY DADDY!!!
argggggggggggggggggggggggggg ggggggggggggggg
Ok, I'mok, breathe, breathe. that's good.
NEway..... I forgive him. And I KNOW he asked for forgiveness of God and I know that my FATHER in Heaven forgave my earthly father years before I saw him the last time some 6 years before he died.

So I know my daddy is in heaven and I can live with that NOW. And Ted Bundy, I've heard he asked for forgiveness before he died. Which leads me to this man in Oregon City. Do you all realize how close that is to me. It is within an hour's drive.
So what happens if he should genuinely ask God's forgiveness. I know he will be Forgiven. I wouldn't be a Christian if I didn't believe my Father in heaven forgive people.

So right now. Before the trial I know I need to open my heart and mind to that possiblility and I'm not ready to do that. But with Christ iving iside me I know I will. That makes me mad and gives me peace all at the same time.
NOT MY WILL BUT GOD'S WILL. I accept that and can see that He is already working on my heart. I can leave the vengenace to God and know that He will take care of Weaver. I don't have to try him, sentence him, or pull the switch. God's switch is better than mans.

If you got this far thank you for being here and helping me to process this. Love and hugs.. Dawn

Re: arrgggggggg TRIGGERING sorry
Posted by Taeriel on Wed Aug 28 09:48:25 2002 (#6234)

I'm sorry for what you have been through, are going through. Just focus on what gives you strength and helps to get you through, you'll be OK. Take care.
Love Taeriel.

Re: arrgggggggg TRIGGERING sorry
Posted by rick on Wed Aug 28 12:43:35 2002 (#6235)

Dawn, I think that was really well said. I don't think we can ever really understand God's plan until we meet him in heaven. Just trust in His love and let it give us comfort. Seems like there's a lot of us here who could use some.

Rick

Re: arrgggggggg TRIGGERING sorry
Posted by Erryn on Thu Aug 29 00:25:53 2002 (#6246)

i hope you are feeling better and know god loves you and is with you, he does work miracles, us, take care xxxErryn

i need some help
Posted by mego on Wed Aug 28 18:11:25 2002 (#6237)

chris brought back some new pill thats like aderol, only i can eat and sleep on it. he says just until he can figure out what else to do about it. maybe i already posted about it, i don't remember. i'm so worried about him. he's not changing anything. he's still being the same chris as he was. i'm already hating the looks he gives me when i tell him to calm down, not to jump around on people so much, not to take another hit. only me, kristine, and frank know, his dad doesnt even know, so everyone's tryin to smoke him out and wrestle around and everything, and they don't know why the three of us yell at them to stop. its so frustrating. mike's back too, i wish he'd tell him cause he listens to mike. i wish i could tell mike. i'm not gonna though. i don't know what to do. someone, please, give me some advise about him. every time i try to sit down and talk to him about it he says "don't worry about it, i'm fine. i won't smoke anymore tonight, i won't smoke tomorrow" and its all bullshit. then "now, are you okay?? look at me, are you gonna be okay??" i'm not the one with the fucked up heart, he is. someone please help me, tell me what to do cause i'm so lost with all this right now.

Re: i need some help
Posted by Dawn on Wed Aug 28 21:45:42 2002 (#6240)

Hi sweetie, I don't know what exactly you want as far as advise goes. It is tough to call this one because I don't know Chris and a lot of detail. I imagine that smoking is or could shorten Chris's life because of his heart condition. Naturally you are nagging him, and as it goes, its not getting you any where.

I am a non smoker so I don't have a problem with smoking, but my bf does and the last thing he wants from me is nagging about his smoking. Its his body, not mine and his business, so he says.

I've been watching his smoking habit for the last 5 years and I see that many times he smokes a cigarette to elieviate stress and problems with his nerves the same way I used my mental health medication, therefore I don't nag him as much as I'd like to.

Grant it Paul doesn't have a heart condition and Chris has. But setting the condition aside for a moment I would imagine that Chris is doing the same as Paul is. He uses tobacco to calm him down so if you nag him his nervousness grown and he NEEDS another cigarette (or two).

Plus the heart condition by nature would also increase his stress which means more cigarettes to calm him down and help him cope with the heart condition and the fear of dying he now has to face. True you are facing it as well. BUT IT ISN'T YOUR BODY AND IT IS HIS and whether it effects you is not the issue. I effects him differently.

Chis needs to create a sense of calm to survive. So rather than nag him about the smoking maybe you can give him support in a different way. What that way is is up to you. I know really very little you because of the nature of this message board.

Basicaly my advise is to slack off on commenting about the smoking and just be Chris's friend. He needs to work this out the easiest way he can. Chances are that without added stress Chris may cut need cigarettes as much if he has more moral support.

hope thishelped. I can hardly believe I expressed it to you becase I have a difficult time not pointing out problems Paul has because of his smoking. bye L&H Dawn

Re: i need some help
Posted by Erryn on Thu Aug 29 00:24:06 2002 (#6245)

i hope he will settle down for you, becuz you need him, its hard to find people you can trust, i hope it works out take care xxxxErryn

Re: i need some help
Posted by Lone Wolf on Thu Aug 29 01:38:28 2002 (#6252)

It's hard to take, but he doesn't want to slow down...he's just going to go and go till he craps out...oh i know that sounds heartless but that's what he wants. This is how he deals. He's just got to keep going the same way or he'll crash. Understand?

Re: i need some help
Posted by mego on Thu Aug 29 08:09:28 2002 (#6256)

thanks. i understand, but its so hard. like, if the cigarettes were just something i didn't like, it would be different. but he can either keep taking his medicine, calm down and get some rest, he could be fine. if he keeps going like this, he'll be dead by this time next year. i keep thinking back to his last night in n.c. "well, what you don't know is christian here had this really bad coke problem a couple years ago..." cute. i remember "i've tried coke twice, i promise. i didn't like it, don't ever fucking do it. i swear to god, you will be in so much shit with me if you do..." god, chris. we took a long ass walk to talk about shit today. half the time we didn't talk, just looked at each other. i was like "god chris..." "god chris is right, megan. that fits perfectly. god chris..." but i got those pills, he's taking some too, so we were okay. we got back to everyone and he was chris again, still putting on a show for all our friends. things were never really okay and i thought they were so bad, if only i knew how things were gonna be. i want to go back to that.

hey
Posted by the other Donna on Wed Aug 28 20:39:49 2002 (#6238)

hey guys...havent been around in a while and i just hope you're doing ok!! im thinking about you all and i pray that things will get better!! for me....they're not but im gettin used to that!! i can easily pretend to people that im fine!! gotta go...its hard for me to come on here now but i will try my best guys.all my love Donna

Re: hey
Posted by she on Wed Aug 28 21:01:13 2002 (#6239)

Hiya :D:D:D
Its really good to here from you .HOw are you ? Hope your oing ok .
Loads and loads of love
she

Re: hey
Posted by Erryn on Thu Aug 29 00:21:58 2002 (#6244)

i hope you are well im glad to here from you keep in touch take careXXXXErryn

Re: hey
Posted by Broken Girl on Thu Aug 29 15:20:11 2002 (#6263)

Hi
I remember you, you probably dont remember me, but anyway, it was nice to hear from you,
Love Ella xXx

Re: hey
Posted by Eleanor on Tue Sep 3 17:44:53 2002 (#6338)

hey you. It's so good to hear from you! keep fighting honey, you'll get there in the end. loadsa love, el x

Hi all
Posted by Kayleigh on Thu Aug 29 00:16:05 2002 (#6241)

Heelllloooo!!!

lol...hi y'all, how ya doin'? This is a completely selfless message asking about the health and mental state of the board visitors.

I'm also an alcoholic having a very good day *g* and I'm sharing the happiness.

......Okay, so not happy. Isn't it weird how you can laugh and want to die at the same time? What a rush. lol...'kay, I'm done scaring you all now. *waves* Look after yourselves.

Kayleigh

Re: Hi all
Posted by Erryn on Thu Aug 29 00:20:46 2002 (#6243)

im glad you are sharing yourself with us, i wish i could get drunk, but my daughter starts kindergarten tomm, got to be up, i think we all on this board want to die, not all, well take care XxxxXErryn

Re: Hi all
Posted by Broken Girl on Thu Aug 29 15:18:11 2002 (#6262)

I love being drunk, I cant wait till I can get served...

im back
Posted by Erryn on Thu Aug 29 00:18:34 2002 (#6242)

hey sorry to scare you all just being bummed out, one of my friends read that message and now im freaked i love you stacey!!!!!!! im not sure what to do anymore but im still here thanks for caring, hope everyones okay love ya Erryn

glad to hear it
Posted by Sam on Thu Aug 29 02:01:35 2002 (#6253)

Glad to hear that things have cleared up a bit for you. As much as I can relate, I wasn't really sure if/how I could help, but I'm happy that somebody did.

Re: im back
Posted by Rhonda on Thu Aug 29 03:04:00 2002 (#6254)

Glad to see you're okay. Hope you're feeling
better. Take care honey.
Love ya, Rhonda

Helloooooo!!!
Posted by Taeriel on Thu Aug 29 09:48:21 2002 (#6257)

Good to have you back. I was really worried there, especially since I'm so powerless here on the other side of a computer screen.
Hope you're feeling better.
Love Taeriel

Yay!!!
Posted by Broken Girl on Thu Aug 29 15:16:46 2002 (#6261)

YEAY!!!! I love you girl!!!! xxxxxxx *NM*
Posted by Eleanor on Tue Sep 3 17:43:45 2002 (#6337)

Re: im back
Posted by stacey on Wed Sep 4 02:09:51 2002 (#6354)

im glad you are back. I care about you and you are a good friend. just know that im here for you if you need me.
stacey

none
Posted by Vapor on Thu Aug 29 06:27:11 2002 (#6255)

im drunk, my head hurts, i cant deal with this anymore... i hate him but i love him so much at the same time...
vApor

Re: none
Posted by Taeriel on Thu Aug 29 09:50:04 2002 (#6258)

Hey, what's he done?

long...
Posted by Vapor on Fri Aug 30 19:54:07 2002 (#6278)

well, its long and complicated. everything is so much yet nothing all at once... our relationship basically started when he basically date raped me. we've talked about it. he knows it was wrong but i also know it wasnt truly rape because people are not mind readers and if you go along with something you dont want theres no way for them to know. i said small little no's and stops but when it came down to it i complied. i didnt stop it. i know from other times that he wont do what i dont want but he just thought i was telling him not to go so fast and that i was just playing cause i said it so queit and yet kept going. so then on i dunno we got really close and i can talk to him about ANYTHING AND EVERYTHING. and the biggest thing is that he keeps me out. we both come from traumatic pasts and he listens to me like noone else but he just says there are things that he cant tell anyone and it hurts so much to be kept out like that... its just like i trust someone so much and i know he trusts me but he doest open up and i just wish he would. im truly in love with him and its just so painful too. i want him to be able to share with me the way i can with him. also, being borderline i have very unrealistic expectations and my relationships are always very intese. no matter how much time we spend together its never enough. and i know its wrong but i cant control it i get very depressed or angry whenever we have to say goodbye. i also have very short-lived intesnse mood swings. i will say nasty things and yell at him... i guess testing him to make sure he wont abandon me like everyone else has always done (dont ever get me started on my fear of abandonment)... so its just really intense and really hard... but so is everything in my life and im not fully equipped to handle it all... its just i love him so much i want everything he does to be totally consumed with me and i dont want him to be with other people or think about other people. i hate especially when he talks to his friends who are girls... i just want to know everything about him and be everything to him. and i know how ridiculous it sounds but you truly CANT CHANGE how you feel. im getting pretty good at trying to level out and keep it in check but its hard. and painful. also, being that i just moved to college we arent technically dating. we are very close best friends who fuck everytime they see each other. basically thats my definition of dating but its beyond boundries this way. friends dont have breakups. casual sex isnt bound by significant others... its kinda like a limitless relationship between two people. its undefined but complete in that it encompasses every aspect of interaction...
Later, Vapor

Re: none
Posted by Erryn on Fri Aug 30 02:50:09 2002 (#6273)

love hurts but i hope it work out for you in the end take care xxxErryn

well, well, well
Posted by Taeriel on Thu Aug 29 12:53:18 2002 (#6259)

"Everything's so blurry,

Everyone's so fake,

Everyone's so empty,

and everything is so messed up"

Puddle of Mudd, they are so right arent they? *NM*
Posted by Broken Girl on Thu Aug 29 15:14:31 2002 (#6260)

Re: well, well, well
Posted by Erryn on Fri Aug 30 02:47:00 2002 (#6270)

amen!!!!!!!! i love that song take care xxxErryn

Re: well, well, well
Posted by Eleanor on Tue Sep 3 17:48:27 2002 (#6339)

hell yeah. x

therapists gone for a while, scared... *shakes*
Posted by Broken Girl on Thu Aug 29 15:28:56 2002 (#6264)

She's going for an operation, she was scared to leave me for 2 or 3 weeks. Becuase she knows that everyone leaves me when I need them most. She knows they always have a reason like she does, she knows how scared I am of going back to school next week, she knows I said I'd kill myself instead of go back. She hugged me and told me to ring her anytime... They always leave dont they? Thet always have a reason, so you cant blame them, you cant hate them for it, you have to accept it. I hate that. Poor mum, she didnt know any better, poor dad, he had to sort himself out.
Come back early or never come.
They always come to late.
*shaking, shaking...*
sorry sorry sorry, shitty post... I wish I'd just stop shivering. Damn I'm so tired these days... hmmmmm I'm scaring myself. *sigh* whats new? I'm so alone and so scared and so small and lost.
sorry

Re: therapists gone for a while, scared... *shakes
Posted by Taeriel on Thu Aug 29 16:31:26 2002 (#6267)

Hey, don't worry. She'll be back. And school isn't that bad - you'll get through it. I was just like you a few years ago, and I'm still here. Just try to relax - it'll be OK.
Take care
Love Taeriel

Re: therapists gone for a while, scared... *shakes
Posted by Erryn on Fri Aug 30 02:49:11 2002 (#6272)

im here if you need anything im not going anywhere okay good luck you can do it take care xxxErryn

Erryn
Posted by Broken Girl on Mon Sep 2 12:12:23 2002 (#6313)

I know you are erryn, Im so grateful. Did you get my email?
Ella xXxXx

Re: therapists gone for a while, scared... *shakes
Posted by Eleanor on Tue Sep 3 17:42:34 2002 (#6336)

baby you'll be fine. keep on believing that. i'm sending you all the love in the world to wrap you in a blanket and take you to a safe place where you can hide until she comes back. love you loads angel. el xxxxxx

ekkkk help theres no doh dah and i dunno where all
Posted by She on Thu Aug 29 22:12:27 2002 (#6268)

HELPPPPPPPPP
EKKKKKKKK I JUST GOT HERE AND ALL THE THINY AT THE TOP ISNT THERE (opps Caps lock)
But then i thourgh nevermind and it was like EEEEKKKKK yeah mind cause all the things flew away and im just left with confusing thing and i dunno what i gotta read so i thourght ok ill ask you lurvley people and when i pressed the button it wanted to know eeevvvverrryyy think all over again and i dont think i know what im writing so i should probably stop know but arhggghhhh i hope no one else has got lost in th4e blah blah somethingz go0ne wrong thing .
luv you
She

Re: ekkkk help theres no doh dah and i dunno where
Posted by She on Thu Aug 29 22:14:01 2002 (#6269)

urmm maby we should ingor that one

Re: ekkkk help theres no doh dah and i dunno where
Posted by Broken Girl on Mon Sep 2 11:35:25 2002 (#6312)

No way she, Im not ignoring it, it is truely refreshing to hear from you! How are ya doing? havnt spoken in a while, I miss you loads, Ella xXxXx

Re: ekkkk help theres no doh dah and i dunno where
Posted by Eleanor on Tue Sep 3 17:40:39 2002 (#6335)

hurrrrrrrrrrmmmmmm. baby have you been at the vodka we were saving for the igloo again?! hope you're ok hunny bun. love ya tonnes and more, el x

Re: ekkkk help theres no doh dah and i dunno where
Posted by She on Tue Sep 3 19:48:45 2002 (#6347)

Urmm im a bit embarrased about that silly post now sorry .
Opps
She

Re: ekkkk help theres no doh dah and i dunno where
Posted by Erryn on Fri Aug 30 02:48:06 2002 (#6271)

you are so funny i hope you are thinking better!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! take care xxxErryn

DAMN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Posted by Rhonda on Fri Aug 30 03:02:04 2002 (#6274)

I'm so upset. I hope everyone doesn't mind if I
do a little venting myself. It has nothing to do
with SI, but I needed someplace I feel comfortable
to hack this all out of my system!! Tasha, my
youngest, has another seizure in band class today!
Everyone was around and watching. Luckly, she has a good friend who helped her out. He knew what to do because they have been in band together for 3 years. God, it's so unfair to her. We cannot find
a reason why she has these seizures and we can't
seem to find the right doseage of medication for
her. Now, we will probably have to change to a new
medicine. That is gonna be sooooooooooo hard to do. Coming off on one type and going to another
type. It's about to drive me crazy!!!! She's a good kid. Never done anything wrong, gets good
grades and really enjoys life. I'm beginning to
think she won't ever get her driver's license, which is a real bummer for her cause all her friends already have theirs. I can't fix her like
we helped fix Tara. She may have to live with this
forever. If she does, I'll deal with it, but it
still hurts to see your kid have to go through
something like this. I've always told her that
God must have something special planned for her
cause she's not gonna be able to do what she wanted to do for a career. She wanted to become
an astronut(?). That's shot because she can't go
into the Air Force like she wanted too. I just
have so many questions that I cannot get answers
too. Okay, sorry about that. No one has to respond to this, it's just my way of getting this out of my system so I don't go crazy. Thanks, everyone, for letting me use this board as a sound
off for something that must seem small compaired to what you go through every day. I hope you all
are okay. I'll post tomorrow or the next day. Take
care everybody.
Love ya all, Rhonda

Re: DAMN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Posted by kat on Fri Aug 30 04:13:56 2002 (#6275)

Im sooo sorry Rhonda,
*hugs*
Im really sorry I dont knw what to say except I wish it were me (someone already messed up beyond belief) then your precious daughter but I know we cant pick and choose what God hands out.
Im so sorry still
please take care
we are here for you to support you
I hope your Tasha's alright
*thinking about you and your family*
love always
KAT

Re: DAMN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Posted by Eleanor on Tue Sep 3 17:38:14 2002 (#6334)

If there was any way i could make this go away for you and tasha then please believe i would. I hope things get better and you get the answers you need. tasha is a very lucky person to have a mother like you and i know your support will help her through this. love to you and your family. el x

Re: DAMN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Posted by She on Tue Sep 3 19:52:12 2002 (#6348)

Ohh thats so awfull .
My thourts are with you.
Love She

I'm sooo sorry
Posted by Taeriel on Fri Aug 30 12:37:42 2002 (#6277)

Hey, I'm sorry about that. It's a pity that the worst things always happen to the best people. All you can do is stay strong for her, and hope it all works out OK.
Take care
Taeriel

*hugs*
Posted by Kayleigh on Sat Aug 31 01:23:30 2002 (#6279)

Hi Rhonda,

How you feeling now? I'm so sorry you're going through all this, I can't imagine how hard it is. I pray things get better for you, because you really deserve some happiness. Take care sweetie,

Kayleigh

chris's contradictions
Posted by mego on Fri Aug 30 08:43:22 2002 (#6276)

grow up slow down//turn your life around//smoke a joint pack a bowl//pop a pill youre on a roll//stay strong for me for now//say it'll be better somehow//fall apart for a minute or two//i'll stay up all night with you//times up we gotta leave//why can't you just believe//i can show you happiness//i think i'm making you more depressed//sweetheart, you need to cry//get the tears outta your eyes//try to keep me in line//you can't control me the decisions mine//you're the reason i get outta bed//i hate you and the things you do to my head//i'll say it again i love you so much//i'm scared to death of your touch//find anyone to make you happy//i'm the only one you'll ever need//we both know you're starting to fall//and i'm holding you up after all//you don't need me you're so strong//you've pretended for too long//pretend to be happy for another day//there's just no other way

ARGH!
Posted by Sharon on Sat Aug 31 02:43:14 2002 (#6280)

OMG, I seriously think that administrators make teachers go through jack-ass training before they hire them! I'm so pissed off. See, my theater teacher found out last year that I was cutting and having stupid starving issues. She told me that she used to be anorexic and so we'd talk about it sometimes. She gave me some books to read and I thought she was openminded and supportive. And then, boom, out of nowhere, she calls me into her office last week and gives me option of a)telling my parents or b)her telling a school counselor. That just pisses me off, I don't really care if it's her "legal responsibility" or whatnot, if she was really concerned with that, then she should have told me she'd do it in the first place, not pump me for info for a whole year before turning me in. So basically I said I would talk to my parents, I figured they'd take it less seriously coming from my mouth (Mom, Dad, I'm cutting again, no biggie, blah blah blah) but then she sends me this e-mail telling me that she went ahead and told my counselor and so now I'm basically expecting to be called into the counseling office or my parents are gonna get a call or something. God, this is sucks so bad! I just . . . I don't know about therapy, I'm willing to give it a shot, but on my own terms. Do they seriously think it'll HELP to take that away from me when my reasons are a mix of need, control, power, selfishness, hate, grief, and pain? Do they think another betrayal will help when that's what started this freaking mess in the first place? The worst thing is . . . I was beginning to feel as if there was light at the end of the tunnel, that there were reasons for living. I was starting to figure this out, and somehow it's SO important to me that I be the one to figure things out. I got myself into this, I can't have anyone but me pull me out.
Well, anyway, I needed someplace to vent.
-Sharon

Re: ARGH!
Posted by Sam on Sat Aug 31 15:51:29 2002 (#6284)

It's great that you're starting to feel in control, but don't discount the help that you might be able to get from therapy. Psychologists are only there to "help you help yourself." (Pretty generic, but true.) I'm sure that if you explain to him/her that you are improving, they'll only try to help you along.

On the other hand, I'm sorry your teacher betrayed your trust, but I'm sure it was in your best interest. Hope things clear up for you.

Sam

Re: ARGH!
Posted by *me* on Sun Sep 1 03:44:31 2002 (#6290)

Hey Sharon...dunno if you remember me but I remember you from a long time ago! I've never been in that position or anything but I just felt the need to respond. It sucks because people don't understand us and what we do. I'm sorry. I hope that things go okay for you. It's good to see you back here (although not...because of the circumstances...but you know what I mean). I've attached my email in case you ever want to talk to anyone or something you can email me. Take care and stay safe!!!

Re: ARGH!
Posted by Jules on Sun Sep 1 13:12:12 2002 (#6298)

hi i was in a similar position, where this teacher i trusted told the principal which they then called my parents, so much for confidentiality. its shit, but they only do it in your best interest. the other are right, therapists are there to help you help yourself, they cant help you unless you want to change, if your not ready to change, thats ok, its hard, i still havent changed well not totally, its taken 3yrs so far & im still a long shot off, but i havent cut for about a month, which for me is a step. but take your time, when you are ready, you will have this huge amount of undeniable support, you have mine,
feel free to email me
live for you

Re: ARGH!
Posted by rick on Tue Sep 3 13:24:19 2002 (#6327)

Sharon,

On the one hand, your teacher acted in your best interest. However, she should have been honest with you from the beginning. I think she was wrong about this.

I'm sure you have felt betrayed before and this didn't help. I just hope you don't think that everyone will always betray you.

Perhaps, it will all be for the best anyway.

Rick

Update on Tasha
Posted by Rhonda on Sat Aug 31 02:46:41 2002 (#6281)

Thanks guys for all the support. You just make me
feel so better. I'm a lot calmer now. Tasha starts
on Lamictal tomorrow night. I searched on the internet and this is used for bipolar also. Is
anyone here on that? Just curious as to what, if
any, side effects you had. Tasha is better, just
dealing with a major headache now. That happens
and last several days after a seizure. You all
amaze me with your support! I'm soooooooo proud
to know each and every one of you. I know it's not
easy with all the things going on in your life,
but I love each one of you. Talk to ya'll later.

Re: Update on Tasha
Posted by rick on Tue Sep 3 13:18:34 2002 (#6326)

Rhonda,

Good luck with Tasha. It's great you're there for her.

Rick

Feeling crumy
Posted by Dawn on Sat Aug 31 04:47:55 2002 (#6282)

I do not know how many of you are familiar with aniversary syndrome? It can happen to anyone. It can be the aniversary (i know the spelling is wrong but my head hurts and as I said I feel crappy so I don't give a rat's behind about spelling or grammar or anything else. Its a I don't care month that started several weeks ago ad will probably be a problem for a month from now. because I have not succeeded yet to get my ex out of my head.

So this aniversary deal is that something happened to me, it could be you, ad every year about the same time my psyke goes through hell and back because that is the aniversary of the traumatic event. In my case the thing is not so traumatic but it causes me, or you, emotional unheveal because it reminds me of someone who's life greatly influenced my life.

I am not explainging this well. Let me try again. My ex's birthday was the 26 of August and we were married of September 5th TWICE. So now this time of year whether I've paid attention to it or not tends to make my depression worse whether I'm conscious about it or not.

I do not need a lot of responses of cheer on this. As long as I'm breathing I'm doing ok. Hopefully I will not be like this next year. I have homework to do. That will help me get better. In the mean time I think I will go to be. Of better yet I thnk I will go get a donut. bye. Sorry but I'm not reading posts for awhile.:(Dawn

not doing well *triggering
Posted by *Poison on Sat Aug 31 07:23:59 2002 (#6283)

hey guys,

i'm not doing so well, one of my best friends tried to kill herself lastnight, she OD'd on some of her pills. it's all my fault because i started going out with her ex boyfriend, and i knew she still liked him. i cut myself. the first time in 4 weeks. it felt good. and i'm scared that it is going to get more frequent again. i need stitches on one of them but i'm not going to tell anyone. i don't want stitches. i'll make the stitches myself if i want them. i don't know you guys, i feel like i'm dying on the inside and i have no one to share my feelings with except for you guys, and i don't like to do that too often because you guys have enough problems to deal with. i'm just so lost. i can't even talk to my counselour anymore because i moved and they are making me switch counselours. i don't want to go in the hospital again. but if this keeps up i'm doomed. i don't know what to do

Re: not doing well
Posted by Sam on Sat Aug 31 15:57:48 2002 (#6285)

PLEASE don't blame yourself for your friend's suicide attempt. There are a million and a half reasons why anybody tries to kill themselves, not one.

As for the cutting, remember that YOU are in control. I know it's tough when you don't have a counselor, but now is your chance to find the strength inside YOURSELF. (Easier said than done, I know.)

E-mail me if you need to vent, and don't feel bad about posting your problems on the board.

Sam

Re: not doing well *triggering
Posted by rick on Tue Sep 3 13:09:12 2002 (#6325)

Poison,

I probably shouldn't tell you this because if you need medical attention you should get it. I don't need to tell you the risk of infection, etc.

But if you're absolutely not going to see a doctor for stitches: I have used Krazy Glue (or Super Glue) on cuts and it held as well a stitches. Some doctors actually use it too.

Rick

FUVK THUS VASTARD WORLD AND EVERYTOBE IN IT T
Posted by SRTABGER IN THE R NIGHT on Sat Aug 31 20:41:22 2002 (#6286)

FUCK IT! FUCK EVERYONE IS THE GODDAM FUCKING WORLD!!!! IVE HAD ENOUGH. THI IS IT YOU CAN ALL FICK OFF ITS JUST ME ON MY OWN AND ME ALONE......AND I AINT GUNNA FUCKING KILL MYSELF LIKE WHAT THEY WANT IM GUNNA STAY AND FUCKING MAKE THEIR LIFES LIVING HELL LIKE MINE! NOONE UNDRETSNADS, THEY CAN ALL GO TO HELL! I DONT CARE NOW! IVE HAD IT UP TO HERE WITH PUTTING EVERYONE BEFORE ME SO FUCK YOU! FUCK FUCK FUCK FUC YOU YOU STUPIF INSENSITIVE BASTARD OF A FAMILY, OF A FRIEND., OF VERYTHING........I HATE YOU ALL. ARRRRRRRRRRGH I WANT TO SCREAM AND SHOUT AND CRY BUT NOONE CARES NOONE GIVES A FLYING FUCK AND I HATE IT I HATE EVRYRINE I HATE THIS WORLS I HATE EVERYTHING BOUT IT I HATE YOU ALL! FUCK FUCK FUCK YOIU ALL YOU SELFISH BASTARDS YOU RMORE SELFISH THAN I AM......YOU KNOW THE DONT CARE ABOUT ME DONT YOU? TH HATE ME............YOU GUYS CARE OR SAY YOU DO ALTHOUGH I THING YOU DO I REALLY THINK YOU DOO ITD JUST YOU DOJT KNOE ME AND THE PEOPLE THAT KNOW ME THEY DONT CARE THYE HATE ME WITH ALL THERE HEARTS THEY RALLY FICKING FO AND IT SCARES ME HO WMUC HATE I HAE INSIDE ME IT SCAREDS ME FORE THAT YOULL EVER REALISE OR VACE

Re: FUVK THUS VASTARD WORLD AND EVERYTOBE IN IT T
Posted by Lone Wolf on Sat Aug 31 23:55:41 2002 (#6288)

feel better?

Re: FUVK THUS VASTARD WORLD AND EVERYTOBE IN IT T
Posted by The Ghooul on Sun Sep 1 03:41:50 2002 (#6289)

People suck, it is true. But individuals can be great. There are people you can trust out there. The fact that this fourum Exists proves that. Look for lost souls. It is in the dirt you find the pureist stones. And Im glad you have the right idea on how to fuck them. Every moment You breath, They may have to see you and think about you. and one day you may eaven surpass them, look down and laugh. And I do beleve you can laugh again. Not because of any God, faith, or religion, But because fate doesn't choose sides. And as Thomas Edison once said: "I will never give up, for I may have a streak of luck before I die."
My name is Christopher...
I live in New York City, Am 20 years old,
And a cutter. My first attempt at suicide came when I was 4. I know depression VERY well. If you feel the need IM or E-mail me. Untill the day I die I'll never close my ears to anything.
-Good luck and sleep well.
G hooul@aol.com

Re: FUVK THUS VASTARD WORLD AND EVERYTOBE IN IT T
Posted by Erryn on Sun Sep 1 04:36:23 2002 (#6296)

i hope you are doing better just try to relax and help yourself you can talk to me e-mail and i will help you where do you live? how old are you? cuz i might have a plan take care for now i get back to me xxxErryn

Re: FUVK THUS VASTARD WORLD AND EVERYTOBE IN IT T
Posted by She on Mon Sep 2 17:52:56 2002 (#6317)

URm are you Donna ?
Loads of love
She~b

Re: FUVK THUS VASTARD WORLD AND EVERYTOBE IN IT T
Posted by Eleanor on Tue Sep 3 17:33:00 2002 (#6333)

geez sweetie, that certainly told us didn't it?! hope you're feeling a little bit more...erm...positive now? loadsa love, el xxxxxxxxxxx

ok so ive sobered up a bit but still feel the same
Posted by stranger in the night on Sat Aug 31 22:35:59 2002 (#6287)

im just generally pissed off you know? life is soo shit for me at the moment and i guess i have so much going on in my head and i just need to say it al, bu tit wont come out and then i panice n everyone hates me and i feel so shit. my life isnt my own anymore and i feel so helples so trapped and none cares in my life its so hard to sit back and watch them all live happily ever after you know? i dunno.......i guess i feel so sick and tired of everyone telling me ho wton live my life....i feel trapped and bnoone understands me...no one........................... ..............HELP ME SOMEONE! I HATE THIS LIFE O MINE!

anorexic
Posted by *me* on Sun Sep 1 03:50:31 2002 (#6291)

So I started school a little while ago. And within the first week of school a whole bunch of people came up to me to tell me how skinny I was. One of my teachers came up to me and put his arm around me and went, "(insert my name here), you're not going anorexic on us, are you?" He's a jokester, and said it in a lighthearted manner, but it freaked me out. And then one of my friends told me that there are all these rumors going around that I'm anorexic. I mean I know I have an eating disorder, I don't eat a whole lot and I do puke up my food occasionally, but I DEFINATELY cannot have a rumor circulating like that. I know I've lost a lot of weight and all but I'm not bony or anything. I'm scared people are going to send me to the counselor's or something. Cuz then they'll call my mom. Can't have that can't have that can't have that. Uggggggggghhhh. No real point to this post. I'm sorry that I haven't posted in a long time. Life has been crazy.

Re: anorexic
Posted by Sharon on Sun Sep 1 03:58:45 2002 (#6292)

I hope things work out. How much weight have you lost? Not asking to be morbid, but very often no one suspects anorexia unless you're brink-of-death thin, yawning-chasm-of-starvation looking. Believe me, I know. Sometimes, somehow, I feel like an anorexic "failure" because I'm not at that point, because no one suspects, because no one's asked. Though I'd probably freak if someone did. If anyone gives you grief about it just very politely but very firmly let them know they have to back off. Give something like small bones or fast metabolism or whatnot. Never say you're not hungry because that's a line most people recognize and discount. Oh God, I'm like, giving you tips on how to get away with this. eew. Not really my purpose because it's hell, but I also know that being forced to talk or do something about it is hell (case in point: me pointing to self) I think it's something you have to want to give up, if you even have a problem with it. Sigh, I don't know where I'm going with this! I had a point, and I don't think it came out very well! Anyway, know I love (and remember!) you and I'm here (I wish it were under dif. circumstances too, but what the hell)
-Sharon

Re: anorexic
Posted by Erryn on Sun Sep 1 04:33:03 2002 (#6295)

i hope the next day goes better, try not to worry about it and if any one ask tell them you have the flu over the summer and was sick alot, sorry i do it alot, if you need anything just ask take care of yourself xxxErryn

The world is a vampire, Sent to drain...
Posted by The Ghooul on Sun Sep 1 04:07:21 2002 (#6293)

This Is my first time posting. Hello. I haven't cut or burned myself in over 4 months, But I am comeing dangerously close. Im crying almost every night. I just don't feel like a human anymore. And Im finding myself Hopeing to be murdered. so It will save some other hapless soul at least one night. I am so shure I should Not be alive. But too much of a cowerd to do anything about it, And without the cutting, The fustration is bilding like a ballon that looks like it could burst any second. I truely feel drained. I don't eaven Know if I deserve help.

"There is suffering in the light, In excess it burns. Flame is hostile to the wing..." -Victor Hugo

Re: The world is a vampire, Sent to drain...
Posted by Erryn on Sun Sep 1 04:29:38 2002 (#6294)

hey i understand what you are saying, im Erryn i cut but not as much as i used to. i really hope you find help here and just know we all are in the same boat and would love to talk and help if we can i hope you feel better and take care xxxErryn

Re: The world is a vampire, Sent to drain...
Posted by Lone Wolf on Sun Sep 1 06:35:15 2002 (#6297)

Your nto the first or the last.
WElcome and all that stuff i'm saposed to say.
I love that song...
The world is a vampire, sent to drain me.
Havn't hurd it in a bit though...
Do you know who sings it?

Re: The world is a vampire, Sent to drain...
Posted by The Ghooul on Sun Sep 1 17:17:03 2002 (#6300)

The song is called bullet with butterfly wings, By the Smashing Pumpkins. The name alludes to a slow death, and the song is about fustration over that. Thanks you guys for your kind welcome. All I can realy offer in return are what I am known for... Stupid/unuseable facts

"The word Butterfly Was origonaly pronounced, and spelled, Flutterby. The name came from the action of them moveing past you.The change came When Websters Dictionary Misprinted it. And since they are the athority on the english languige, it stuck."

Thanks again, I try to be at least mildly entertaining. Your fellow Soldier of existence:

-The Ghooul

Hello, and welcome to the board
Posted by Dawn on Mon Sep 2 08:09:11 2002 (#6308)

Hi.I haven'tbeen in a good mood lately so I haven't read or answered posts until now. I hope this board helps you in some way. It is nice to get responses. I know it helps me feel I'm not a drain on people's psykes. NEway hello and love and hugs to you..Dawn

Re: Hello, and welcome to the board
Posted by Broken Girl on Mon Sep 2 11:31:11 2002 (#6311)

Hey
I love that song too. I also know lots of pointless facts but I tend to just use them to lose friends and alienate people by boring them, still, your much smarter then me so you probably do better then that. I know how you feel on the whole living thing, I know I dont deserve this, but do I deserve death, with its eternal sleep and safety? Sorry, anway, you do deserve to live I'm sure...
Love Ella xXx

Re: The world is a vampire, Sent to drain...
Posted by Eleanor on Tue Sep 3 17:51:15 2002 (#6340)

hey. i like you, you talk my language. scary as many people don't! hope you stick around. el xx

thoughts
Posted by Jules on Sun Sep 1 13:27:32 2002 (#6299)

im going to just treat this message as a journal of words & thoughts.
i cant get on top of everthign is so bloody hard, everywhere i look i see & feel anger, i want to yell & scream out to world , to tell them to go away from me, leave me alone. please dont ignore me dont leave me alone, i want to talk , but will you listen, will you ask the right questions so i can give you the response i want to tell you. talk to me tell me you care, tell me you understand the stress i am feeling, the anger i want to scream, the sadness i want to cry, my tears have dried up & turned into anger, the anxiety i want to release, why the hell me, i was doing so well, why the hell cant i get on top of things.fuck it i guess it will get better, time too fuckin long, aaarh, who knows what, do they know anything at all, do they care, who does she think she is anyway. no one tells me what to do, noone gives me advice, evertone judges me, take your shot the target is me. live & let live

Re: thoughts
Posted by Dawn on Sun Sep 1 20:44:11 2002 (#6302)

yes!!!!!!!!!!!!!

{{{{{{LOVE AND HUGS}}}}}}}}} Dawn

Re: thoughts
Posted by Lone Wolf on Mon Sep 2 07:37:40 2002 (#6305)

That's why they call me a freak.