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Threads 1301 to 1325

I married on Monday, September 5, 1971
Posted by Dawn on Sun Sep 1 20:39:13 2002 (#6301)

It was for life. Why can't I let it go... I want to cut so bad. Tears are finally finding their power over me. I've felt like crying for a week or more. Now they are coming and there really is a reason I can see.

My counselor wants me to write Bob a letter telling him I want him to leave me alone. I started one, but didn't get anywhere with it. (oh, this is a letter I will not send = a therapy letter) They really help a lot. I used to write Bob 3 and 4 page letter after he'd rape me and leave them by his lunch I made him. When I would wake up they would be in the trash and I didn't know whether he read them before he trashed them or not.

I loved him so much. I've been gone from him since the early part of June 1987. I should be over him. He is in my thoughts so many times a day. My kids aren't even in my thoughts that much.

I've written Bob therapy letters and they have worked at a lot of things. It is time for me to be over him, FOR MY GOOD. I am going to cut, maybe I'll carve instead. I've never carved before. I don't even know how or if it will stay the same after the wound heals.

My neighbor does tattooing. (I just found out last week) maybe she will do one on me and not charge me an arm and a leg for.

Thank you all for being a part of my homework assignement. It has been better talking with you than simply typing to my typewriter knowing it was all for nothing. I hope this teaches you that you don't have to marry a person for any reason other than love. I talked myself in love with Bob because I wanted someone to love me, but I dislike Bob from the moment we met. And I stupidly married him twice and filed for divorce 3 times maybe 4.

I have to be honest with you though. I married him because I thought he loved even if it was only a little. That little was better than nothing at the time. I was like the dog in Proverbs where it talks about a dog begging for crumbs. When I finally got tired of crumbs I was finished with the little bit of love Bob did have for me.

I guess this is pretty good therapy after all. It just hit me that I am having such a hard time this year because I'm to my limit with Bob interfering in my thought life and it is time to put it to rest. There comes a time in every bad relationship when enough is enough and freedom has to be grabbed hold of and fought for. Often the price is high, but it isn't too hard to pay it when you've had all you can stand of a person. Bob has no idea how many intrusive thoughts I've had of him. My kids says he never mentions me at all. So I'm the only one suffering through crappy reminders of a marraige bad from the beginning. I married Bob 10 months after I met him and in that 10 months I started to leave him about 30 or more times. Yes it was that bad and even wrse. Sometime he would wrap his hand around my long hair and physically force me to do them, later it didn't have to get that physical he just had to insist and I did as I was commanded to do.

It makes the tears come knowing I was nothing to him but a live in whore. And I married him twice and on the same day as the first. Will I ever be free? Will I ever be able to love romantically? Only time will tell. but 16 years is too long to be a slave to thoughts of the man that raped and sodomized me for 16 year. That is one year of recovery for every year I had been his sex slave. I want freedom. I insist on freedom from the memories.
Thanks again, if you've read this post

Re: I married on Monday, September 5, 1971
Posted by kat on Sun Sep 1 23:28:49 2002 (#6303)

In therapy Ive written many letters to people and it reallllly reallly helped so much so that sounds like a good idea. Ive svaed many of them and I go back and read them , not as much as I used to though.
It sucks when you just can't let go, no matter how hard you want to, Im sorry Dawn.
hope you're okay.
thats cool about the tatoo if you decide to go get one.
take care
love
kat

Re: I married on Monday, September 5, 1971
Posted by Eleanor on Tue Sep 3 17:30:35 2002 (#6332)

it's my birthday on september the 5th. 18 years. i never thought id make it! I'm getting a tattoo, i was thinking of getting something to represent freedom from my past or a phoenix as i see my new state of mind as though i'm rising from the ashes of my depression. i hope you get through this. i'm thinking of you always. love el x

I'm just so trite
Posted by Sharon on Mon Sep 2 04:15:46 2002 (#6304)

God, I'm so frustrated. I wrote my teacher this e-mail telling her how I felt betrayed and what right did she have to do this to me and all that. She was anoretic in college and I can't help but wonder if this is her way of finding redemption or if she wishes someone did this "for" her back then or whatever. Anyway, she writes back telling me that I'm (and I quote) "so trite" and "really cool people don't deal with their problems by hurting themselves" and she thinks pills will help because there's "documented proof." But I don't want to be happy if it's only because there's this chemical blanket blocking out my sadness. I don't want to know it takes a pill to make me happy or fulfilled and all that. Haha, I never held any claims to coolness, that was never my goal in life. I don't care if cutting makes me "uncool" - I don't think any non-cutter can fully understand all the reasons and all the implications and all the results. She says I don't know that there "are reasons other than control." What a laugh, what an enormous, belly-aching LAUGH! As if I'm so "trite" I've never analyzed this, never tried to stop. As if I'm so enamoured with myself that I refuse to see who I am. I know who I am. Sometimes I wish I didn't know, but I do. And if anyone says otherwise then they're liars.
Agh, I'm just so frustrated with this and I'm expecting that call anyday. God, this is going to kill my parents. They'll think they're failures, I'm a failure etc. I don't know. This just really sucks for lack of a better term.
Thanks for listening and the support.
-Sharon

Gee........ I gotta speak my mind.
Posted by Dawn on Mon Sep 2 07:57:19 2002 (#6306)

Ok. I am a cutter and I cut today so I am not going to tell you not to so you are safe there. But I do need to speak to a few of the things you mentioned in your rant. And this is a good place to do it, yet you do open yourself up to different view when you do post here.

Ok, so here it goes... ready get set..Your teacher is right about telling her superiors. There are laws and they are designed to help minors. I think it might be a good idea that you go directly to her superior and talk one on one with whomever it is. Perhaps you can handle it all by yourself without dragging your parents into it and getting them all upset.

You said she might be thinking that she wished she had someone do the same with her. WOW what insight. That just may be her reason. I have done or said something to help a person that I wished someone had done for me. So that idea you had may also be a good one. You are very insightful let me tell you that.

I do not know you or the others you use this site but speaking for myself I often cut because of the control it gives me. I love that no one can stop me from cutting or in some other way harm myself. I've been beaten, battered, bruised, abused in more ways that one, and raped, and now that I'm cutting I can at least say when, where and how. Now that is control.

But self harm is habit-forming and when I cannot not cut then I'm not in control of being in control. Today I said I was going to cut so I did. To me it is being consistent with what I say. Someone told me that just because I said I was going to didn't mean I had to follow through. But my word is my action which is control as well.

Bottom line you are the one in control and as such you have the ability to control this matter or let it fall to someone else.

The way I see it you have three choices. 1. Talk to the supervisor she talked to. 2. Talk to your parents and let them know there may be a phone call coming. 3. Do noting and let the chips fall where they will.

It your decision. hope I helped a little. Dawn

Give them a chance
Posted by Sam on Mon Sep 2 16:40:13 2002 (#6315)

I won't tell you that anybody knows you better than yourself, but sometimes it's better to let somone else help you. After all, they can just look objectively at one part of you (the ana part) without seeing all the peripherals and worrying about how it will affect the rest of you.

I really don't mean to sound preachy, but I've had a few harsh self-realizations just because somebody told me what I am to my face. Just give them a chance (parents and teachers); they just might see something you can't from inside yourself.

the kids aren't allright...
Posted by The Ghooul on Tue Sep 3 00:20:48 2002 (#6320)

I can understand How you feel about your pairens finding out, and how they will feel. I went through the same thing (sort of). But what I realized is they will have to go through it sometime (Depression, as a sickness, doesn't just go away) and ufortunately as your pairents they are responsible. Im not saying it will make everything better. (it may not help anything at all) but you've gotta ride it out. I shall hope for fate to work in your favor. And as is a custum of mine I end with a stupid fact:

"On the document calling for Joan of Ark's exicution, one of the Crimes listed as being punishable by death was :Disobaying her Parents:"

Re: the kids aren't allright...
Posted by Erryn on Wed Sep 4 03:11:25 2002 (#6362)

im 26 and my dad and his wife just found out im ashamed their ashamed it wasnt pretty there is no way to tell the parents they just are ashamed becuz they fucked up take care xxxErryn

Re: I'm just so trite
Posted by rick on Tue Sep 3 14:21:02 2002 (#6330)

Hey Sharon,

I'm with you right till you got to the end. I don't know your parents, of course, but don't assume they're going to think they're a failure. It's not going to kill them. I'm sure this isn't the first time they've had to deal with a big problem and it won't be the last.

Honestly, I can't know how they'll deal with it. I don't know how understanding they are. But, it's not your fault if they don't handle it well. You didn't do anything TO them. You have been suffering in silence and frankly, if they're any kind of parents, it's time they gave you a hand.

I think they'll be scared, surprised and confused. But it won't kill them. Maybe, this will all work out for the best. Feel free to write.

Rick

my bad habit
Posted by vapor on Mon Sep 2 08:08:14 2002 (#6307)

i have a very bad habit. i get drunk, i pick up random guys, i go back with them, i sleep with them, and i engage in drunken rambling. the drunken rambling is the worst part. i have no control over what i say. i just spill everything. i let out that im psycho, that i have a history of abuse... i just spill it all out. and for a second when he holds you tight and says 'babe, im so sorry, you dont deserve it' the world is at peace... but then the night ends. im alone in the morning and i hate myself... why do i say these things? why do i tell strangers my darkest secrets? its a hope that one of them will care for me more than as just a piece of ass... but thats really what im using them for right? it doesnt make sense... someone help me figure out why i do this...
Later, Vapor

Re: my bad habit
Posted by Lone Wolf on Mon Sep 2 09:46:23 2002 (#6309)

I can't hlep you...i can't help myself.
sorry Vapor, i let you down, and if your trying to e-mail me, non are getting threw. if nothing else use this e-mail.
lone_outlaw_star@ hotmail.com
I miss talking to you.
Later,
Lone

Freud would be intrigued
Posted by Sam on Mon Sep 2 16:46:41 2002 (#6316)

Since I don't know you personally, I can't explain EXACTLY why you do what you do, but I can lend a little bit of my psych knowledge.

It's fairly simple...we all want to be loved. If we can't find, or don't have the patience to find, true love, we settle for instant gratification. In the moment, it's great, but it leads to guilt and confusion, among other things.

Honestly, I tend to tell virtual strangers my darkest secrets, too. The only explanation I have is that I'm typically shy and I don't want to tell somebody "bad things" who I have to see everyday. Sound like yourself?

Blah, blah, blah, right? Sorry. My advice: figure out what's missing in your life and set out to find a more long-term solution. Easier said than done, I know, but try it.

Re: Freud would be intrigued
Posted by vapor on Tue Sep 3 01:38:52 2002 (#6321)

wow, that was very insightful. thank you.
later, vapor

Re: my bad habit
Posted by rick on Tue Sep 3 14:06:56 2002 (#6329)

Hey Vapor,

OK, I'll give you my 2 cents. I think in a way you already know the answers to most of your questions.

Drinking allows us to do things we wouldn't ordinarily do by reducing our inhibitions. IMO, these things are usually what we would want to do if we didn't hold ourselves back. IE, nice people become nice drunks and people who have a hidden mean streak become mean drunks.

I think you want someone you can talk to about your problems. You would be uncomfortable talking about them under normal circumstances as most of us would. But when you are drunk, you are uninhibbited. You feel good "unloading" and just having someone to listen.

The sex is a trade. You give something you know is wanted in return for someone careing or, as you've guessed, more likely, pretending to care. In a way it doesn't matter, you just want someone to listen.

This is the part where I should mention all the horrible diseases out there. How getting pregnant now would be unfair to you but especially to a child you're not equipped to raise. But hey, you know all that already. Right?

Rick

Re: my bad habit
Posted by vapor on Wed Sep 4 19:01:06 2002 (#6368)

yes, i realize these things. ive had my share of scares so most of the time im careful.
yes, i also realize my desires, the trade-off. but i need to figure out why i feel so inhibited to share when im sober and why i am so desperatly seeking a sense of security and comfort... i need to explore the why's behind the explanations... i dont think i can change my behavoir until i figure out why it happens and what i can do to change my psyche...
later, vapor

Re: my bad habit
Posted by rick on Thu Sep 5 13:35:29 2002 (#6386)

Vapor,

You're right, I guess, I've stated the obvious. I think we all have a deep need to be loved and appreciated. It's not just you. And I can tell you that you are not the only one who does what you do. OK, to be honest, I've been there, done that, but from the other side. All I can do is give you the perspective of a guy who has spent a lot of evenings looking for the kind of girl you describe above.

I'd suspect that you don't have anyone close enough who you can talk to and get that love and appreciation that you crave. It is a very basic human need. Again, it's not just you.

Unfortunately, the missing ingredient for you is respect. Yes, he holds you tight and listens to you. He seems to care about you. Temporarily you feel better. But, when you have got what you want and he has what he wanted, there is little left.

You have allowed yourself to be just an object. Even if you see each other again, this kind of dictates the terms of your relationship. There is no where for your relationship to grow. It is a trade of services. Does this make sense?

What would I do different? Take a little more time. Let him build up an appreciation for you. If he has to work a little harder to get where he wants, he'll appreciate you more. Of course to get there, you'll have to drink a little less and have a little more patience about opening up. In the long run you might find someone who will give you some comfort for more than a single night.

Maybe I'm just stating the obvious again. If so, sorry.

Rick

Re: my bad habit
Posted by vapor on Thu Sep 5 18:21:02 2002 (#6393)

no, wow. that really makes sense. so many of my relationships are just so intense so immediate that there is nowhere left for them to go. its true. the one who i love, i consider him my best friend, even that relationship has been built on a service trade and i see it still be like that and i know its unhealthy and i have to get out. its just where else is there to turn? when that type of relationship gets perpetuated into a long-term thing its just painful. you need to have friendship and sexual desire coming from both sides not just one from each side... ::sigh:: i love him so much though, i wish it could change... i know it cant, and i know every time i think of him my heart will ache a little for the rest of my days...
Later, Vapor

Re: my bad habit
Posted by Erryn on Wed Sep 4 03:09:21 2002 (#6361)

i think you are just looking for someone to talk to and will love you i used to be the same way take care xxxErryn

probably triggerin, dont reply theres no point....
Posted by Broken Girl on Mon Sep 2 11:20:56 2002 (#6310)

Couldnt sleep... Im so tired... Cant go to school, I dont want to go back... I'd rather die then go back to that sea of taunting faces, where every smile is a snear... oh god oh god oh god oh god they cant make me go back, I cant do it... pointless pointless pointless...still, it wont be like this for long now... just got to be patient... then I'll be able to rest...I cant even panick properly any more, whats the point? there is none, there never was, theres no place in this world for a person like me, every ones trying to keep there head above water, everyones struggling, they dont need a anchor like me, a pathetic self absorbed bitch like me... I can finally hate myself and find peace in doing so, I well and truely despice myself and everything about me... no doubt I'll get one or two replies saying that I shouldnt hate me, that life does have a point, but your wrong and you know it, you dont know the real me, I'm so cruel, I have no one outside this board, isnt that enough to tell you how despisable I am?

Re: probably triggerin, dont reply theres no point
Posted by Nicke on Mon Sep 2 15:59:41 2002 (#6314)

I am not going to just tell you that there is a point to life and all that....

One question...what is it that you hate most about yourself and when did this hatred start...can you remember???

Nicke

(((huggles))))
Posted by She on Mon Sep 2 18:06:04 2002 (#6318)

Ohh hunnie i wish i could give you a real huggle.
I have to go back to school to but and i rrrreeeaaallly dont want to :(:(. Ahh well tis my last year phheew.I allways thing that the next year of school might be a little better then the last maby this year will be but if not i know i still have Psyke full of amazing who are living thorough awfull things which is such a strong thing to be able to do.
Love you loads ella.
She~b

Re:The Day the whole world went away...)
Posted by The Ghooul on Tue Sep 3 00:06:46 2002 (#6319)

Haveing noone outside the board can also be a sign of being surronded by assholes and continueing to only frequent places where they reside. Deserve is a very relitive word, What does or doesent make Anyone deserve this life? If you have the feeling you are causeing pain on thouse around you you are one up on alot of paricites I know who willingly and perpously do so with no repercussions, liveing their lives like thorns on a bush. there to stab the fuck out of everyone but feeling only contentment in there existence thanks to a shrowd of ignorence. I am just starting collige. I don't know what school you r in, But I would not redo high school for any amount of money. It is not acedemic, it is a social exersise.

By the way thanks for responding to my other post. You are probably more inteligent than you think. I on the other hand have a problem remembering anything that is not completely useless. I gain these things by listening to people that no one elce will. I am a great listener. If you have noone elce to talk to feel free to IM or e-mail me: G hooul@aol.com
Keep fighting Say the soldiers of existence.
Spite the world. Live

"Great things can come from spite. A man in a resterant orderd sliced potatos. However apon reseveing them he was dissatisfied with how thick they were cut. So he sent them back with instructions for the cook to "cut them thiner". The outraged cook cut the slices paper thin, fried them to a crisp and covered them in salt. This of corce backfired when the man loved them. as do snackers around the world who buy Potato chips."

Hope to hear from you,

-The Ghooul

-(chris)

Re:The Day the whole world went away...)
Posted by Lone Wolf on Tue Sep 3 04:58:04 2002 (#6324)

I have to start at a whole new school tomarrow, and i'm sick as shit...lucky me. What full this will be.
Later,
LOne

Re: probably triggerin, dont reply theres no point
Posted by rick on Tue Sep 3 13:42:30 2002 (#6328)

OK, so even if you are right and I'm not saying you are: Does that mean that others at school know you well enough to judge you? That they are perfect and NOT self absorbed? No, probably they are cruel to you as well.

Does it mean that you can never change? That you will always be the way you are? No, No, No!

Wanna try something? Find little things you can do to help others. Even people you don't particularly care for. Only, it has to be things they'll never know you did. It can be the smallest thing, but you can't take credit for it. I think you'd be surprised at the results.

Rick

Re: probably triggerin, dont reply theres no point
Posted by Eleanor on Tue Sep 3 17:53:04 2002 (#6341)

if it helps we may not know the real you but the you I know is someone i like. did that make sense? love you baba. xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Re: probably triggerin, dont reply theres no point
Posted by Erryn on Wed Sep 4 03:07:49 2002 (#6360)

((((((((hugs))))))))))))) love ya Erryn

sorry
Posted by kat on Tue Sep 3 01:54:11 2002 (#6322)

I used to like that I was a very in depth thinker and things that seemed small I would go in depth thinking about, maybe a little to far but that was me. but now I dont like the way Ive been thinking at all, it's frightening even for me. I dont want to explain it in full , well because I dont understand it. Im scared to tell my therapist, I dunno..Im scared of myself sometimes.
I know what Im capable of, and I know things I would never imagine me doing , well I've done..
things that could get me into terrible trouble so..
I dont know what to do.
I would say I need help but thats obvious and also I dont think anyone can help.
ugh...
(I wrote this in my journal).
I feel like if I were to kill myself right now no one would notice until maybe like a week later and even though they'd be fighting over who had to take care of the funeral bills and who's going to clean up my belongings because no one will want to do it, because no one fucking cares.

kat

Re: sorry
Posted by *Poison on Tue Sep 3 03:52:53 2002 (#6323)

well...you know what i'd do? i would fly down to TX and be like..."HEY! YOUR DAUGHTER HAS JUST DIED! A PART OF YOU HAS JUST DIED! WHO CARES ABOUT THE FUNERAL BILLS?" and then i would clean up your belongings, and cry, thinking of how much everyone on psyke would miss their dear friend KAT and how i would have one less journal to check, (and i like to check them) and one less person to talk to. if you think you need help, go to any means you can to recieve that help, and i know this is hard to say, but even if it means letting out all your secrets, usually once you are in a hospital they don't tell your parents anything, (depends on the hosp, i guess though) so just tell your therapist why you need to go, and then let the rest out there. going to a hospital is not a bad thing. it can save your life. and if that is what you need than please PLEASE go for it! but i'm here for you, you know my sn so im me when you want to talk! i'll always listen, i may not have the best answers, but i'll listen and help the best i can!

Amanda

Break on through to the other side...
Posted by The Ghooul on Tue Sep 3 21:52:44 2002 (#6349)

Often When someone Describes Thinking deeply and Beeing frightend of the thoughts, It is what is what I call "hitting the fire wall". Because you have chosen to be (or were more likely forced to be by Some less then pleasureable experiences) Engaged with the world. Insted of lieing under the comfy blanket of ignorence most of the populece uses. When an engaged mind trys to figure out the world around it, it Figures out all the inconsistancys, all the horrible things, all the sadness, and finaly how everything does not seem to add up. This is one of the reasons people give for why almost every great, deep thinking, mind that has ever been, has had a mental illness. The problem is not everyone makes it throgh.
I do agree with what the previous person said. You would be amazed what Hospitalization can do for you. I was taken there against my (Realy my parents) will. But it forced my parents to have to open there eyes to what was happening and let me get help. (I had been beging them before I was admitted). I know it doesent seem like the time to risk anything, (You've probably lost so much allready) but It realy can help.

Good Luck,
the Ghooul
(Chris)

"

Re: Break on through to the other side...
Posted by Dawn on Tue Sep 3 23:23:35 2002 (#6351)

Kat my dear. you did real well for awhile after your last in mate time away from home. I think it might be time to try it again. Going to the hospital can be a good thing if it keeps you fighting to survive instead trying to manage your thoughts and feelings all on your own.

And girl you know I would miss you. I'm struggling with my own crap but I always know you are here to encourage and support me and EVERYONE ELSE. So we are trying to give a little back....Keep on keeping one. Do it for your sake. K!!!!!! You are so special. I don't think you know that but you are. Love and hugs from one who cares....Dawn :-)

Re: sorry
Posted by Erryn on Wed Sep 4 03:06:24 2002 (#6359)

i would know you are one of those that help me and i love you and care what happens to you. if you need me just e-mail me take care xxxErryn

Re: sorry
Posted by Taeriel on Thu Sep 5 11:42:47 2002 (#6382)

Yeah, well, I feel the same. Thinking of either the least messy way to kill myself (if my friends had to clean up) or the most messy way (if a certain group had to clean up). It's hard, but I care about you. So that makes one, right? Better than nothing.
XXX

Psyke.org Update - Phase 1
Posted by Morten Wulff on Tue Sep 3 14:59:39 2002 (#6331)

Greetings All,

I'm finally ready to update ww w.psyke.org.

The update will be carried out in 2 phases:

Phase 1 - almost done

New forum software uploaded and tested (a little ;-) ). I would appreciate if you would register on the new forum and start posting there instead.

The new forum has support for private messaging, profiles with pictures etc. Go have a look: www.psyke.org/forum (and the address is easier to remember)

If you have any feature/forum requests, please post them in the 'Technical Support' forum. If you would like to attach an image of your own selection to your profile, please email it to: wulff@psyke.org, and I will upload it for you.

Old posts from this forum and the forum at ratatosk.net will be made available on www.psyke.org/archive in a couple of weeks.

Phase 2 - should be done this week

Upload new version of the psyke.org site. I have loads of new personal stories, poems, pictures and a huge annotated link collection. I'll post in the new forum when the update is completed.

If you have any questions, you can post in the new forum or send me an e-mail.

Love,

Morten Wulff

Re: Psyke.org Update - Phase 1
Posted by melz on Tue Sep 3 18:05:55 2002 (#6343)

oh, cool. Registered :)

And, yeah, for anyone that remembers me, im back after yet another failed attempt at recovery.

Re: Psyke.org Update - Phase 1
Posted by She on Tue Sep 3 19:42:23 2002 (#6345)

whow sounds exiting
she~b

Re: Psyke.org Update - Phase 1
Posted by Lone Wolf on Wed Sep 4 23:02:08 2002 (#6369)

I hate CHange

Re: Psyke.org Update - Phase 1
Posted by Broken Girl on Thu Sep 5 17:59:16 2002 (#6388)

Me too.
But a new board might be nice, I like the idea of an archive. thanks for making the effort.
Ella xXxXx

Re: Psyke.org Update - Phase 1
Posted by stranger in the night on Thu Sep 5 18:12:52 2002 (#6390)

hey, registered to the board now....i gues i can get used to it...itll take time though........its taken me ages to get used to this board lol! i still miss the old old one! heehee! hmm..ok nuthin much else to say...so ill go.....

thanks love doonnnnnnnnna!

rising from the ashes
Posted by Eleanor on Tue Sep 3 18:04:30 2002 (#6342)

I've not cut for 3 months now. those of you who knew me when i first came here will know what a battle this has been for me, and i think i may be losing it. It's my 18th birthday on thursday. I don't understand how or why i've come this far, but somehow i'm still standing. i went back to school today and all the people i used to know were around me telling me how "great" I look and how much i've changed for the better. Nobody wanted to look me in the eye. If they had they would have seen the pain i'm hiding. I may not etch my pain into my skin for the world to see anymore but it is still very visible for those who really look at me. But nobody wants to look inside. People don't want to see the pain of others, they'd rather pretend it's not there. And i can't blame them.
I'm getting a tattoo for my birthday. I want something to symbolise freedom. I want a phoenix. I am rising from the ashes of my old, burned out existence and i will soar above it all. I will beat this. I will stop the pain, and one day my eyes will be free to shine again.

Re: rising from the ashes
Posted by melz on Tue Sep 3 18:07:46 2002 (#6344)

I remember you.
And good job, i really hope everything works out.

Re: rising from the ashes
Posted by She on Tue Sep 3 19:44:56 2002 (#6346)

Eleanoooorrrr .
Urmm i have a fuzzy head at the moment but its soo good to here from you and i lurv you very muchly.
She~b

Re: rising from the ashes
Posted by Dawn on Tue Sep 3 23:06:44 2002 (#6350)

I wish you all the luck inhe world. I have a tattoo of a broken heart with a tear drop. It has been very carthargic. Hope your's is too. Love and hugs... Dawn

Re: rising from the ashes
Posted by Erryn on Wed Sep 4 03:01:07 2002 (#6358)

im very proud of you girl and if i dont talk to you happy b-day now you can come to the us and live with me huh!!!!!!!!!! good luck they dont hurt much take care xxxErryn

Re: rising from the ashes
Posted by Deepfreeze on Wed Sep 4 05:09:35 2002 (#6365)

YEA! Good job! keep up the good work!
Pheonix's are cool.

Re: rising from the ashes
Posted by Broken Girl on Wed Sep 4 18:55:01 2002 (#6367)

Hey el
I love you SOOOOOOOOOO much, you HAVE came so far, and I know you'll keep on going, I'm so proud of you!
Love you forever and ever and ever, Ella xXx

Re: rising from the ashes
Posted by stranger in the night on Thu Sep 5 13:14:34 2002 (#6385)

hey hun! i read this post yesterday and realy wanted to rpely then but i had to come off line. 3 months is great! weldone! im sooo proud of you!!!!!! and yeah i remember when you first came here.....we arrived the same day didnt we? hope your doing good hun, take care of your wondrous self!

oh and the attoo thing....you are sooo brave! im too scared! lol!

donna x

I carved for the first time sorta made it a tattoo
Posted by Dawn on Tue Sep 3 23:49:25 2002 (#6352)

I don't understand me. I've been feeling and doing weird things. Things I've never down before. I told my new therapist about it when I called to re-schedule my apointment because she had left a message on my machine saying she had to cancel all her appointments for tomorrow morning. She said something about revisiting the trauma. I'm not sure what she meant. Lately I'm not sure about any thing. Help. :( Dawn

Re: I carved for the first time sorta made it a ta
Posted by *Poison on Wed Sep 4 02:18:08 2002 (#6355)

i'm here for you dawn, just as you have been for so many others, we all do weird things, espically when an important date is comming up that signifies something "special" for me that date is when my grandmother died. i hope that you are going to be okay this sept. 5th and i don't do this very often, but i will pray for you. don't worry about the carving, it's jsut a way to express your feelings, a more direct way than just cutting. at least that's what i believe. i wish you well dawn!

Amanda

Re: I carved for the first time sorta made it a ta
Posted by Erryn on Wed Sep 4 02:59:27 2002 (#6357)

i hope you are doing better, i just dont understand when drs cant make there appointments it always makes me feel like they dont want to see you i dont know i really hope your days go better ill talk to you later xxxErryn

Re: I carved for the first time sorta made it a ta
Posted by Deepfreeze on Wed Sep 4 05:05:04 2002 (#6363)

:( Hopefully you'll be able to see your therapist soon...hang in there!

friends
Posted by Kayleigh on Wed Sep 4 01:29:29 2002 (#6353)

I have a real problem with friends. I don't trust them and haven't since, 13, the age that my therapist says I'm stuck at. But today I wentout and got drunk...sorry for spellin...and they said they were there for me. Are they? These friends who Ihardly see because I hide away? Should I trust people I don't now? Idon't want to get hurt againa. Ithurts si much when frsnds leave me i don'ty wayt to fo trough it again.

sorry, i am very drunk. i haven't been sober since i got my wages.

and for theose who care, i'm ont pregnant, a good thing i supoose.

Kayleigh

Re: friends
Posted by Erryn on Wed Sep 4 02:55:25 2002 (#6356)

i undretsand about the trust thing, im glad your not pregnant trust me its hard raising a kid, you should wait till your 40, just kidding they are great and they love me no matter yet. take care and drink one for mr xxxErryn

Re: friends
Posted by Deepfreeze on Wed Sep 4 05:07:12 2002 (#6364)

Drinking makes the depression go for only a short time and makes it return stronger... maybe you should drink a lot of caffine? It's supposed to be a stimulant...

Re: friends
Posted by Rhonda on Thu Sep 5 02:19:08 2002 (#6378)

Anything I can do to help honey? I will if I can.
I'm glad to hear you're not pregnant. That would
be really hard to deal with. I'll always be your
friend. This is for you.
(((((((((((((((((((((((HUGS) ))))))))))))))))))))))
Use it as many times as you need too. Take care
honey and let me know if I can help you out.
LOve ya, Rhonda

I fell asleep in class!
Posted by Broken Girl on Wed Sep 4 18:54:15 2002 (#6366)

Re: I fell asleep in class!
Posted by Erryn on Thu Sep 5 01:23:07 2002 (#6371)

hey you have to get your sleep someway huh!!! xxxErryn

Re: I fell asleep in class!
Posted by Rhonda on Thu Sep 5 02:16:00 2002 (#6377)

Gosh, hope the teacher didn't give you a bad time
about it. Tasha sometimes falls asleep in class
but that is for a different reason. Take care of
yourself. I'm always here if you need me.
Love ya, Rhonda

Re: I fell asleep in class!
Posted by stranger in the night on Thu Sep 5 13:12:22 2002 (#6384)

lol!!! erryns right, you gotta sleep somewhere!

Whatever
Posted by Lone Wolf on Wed Sep 4 23:06:52 2002 (#6370)

School is ok so far...one day at a time...one stupid fuckin day at a time...*sighs*
"Is it me? Is it you? Nothing that I can do. To make you change your mind.
WHy are you running away?
WHy are you running away?
Why are you running away?
WHy are you running away?"
-Hubastank. (no idea how to spell that. But i like the song)

Re: Whatever
Posted by Erryn on Thu Sep 5 01:24:52 2002 (#6372)

im glad schools okay, i hate work too so we have something in common take care xxxerryn

Re: Whatever
Posted by Broken Girl on Thu Sep 5 18:01:16 2002 (#6389)

Schools been shit for me to be honest, but I'm glad its kinda ok for you. sounds like a really cool song.
Ella xXXx

Re: Whatever
Posted by Rhonda on Thu Sep 5 02:14:38 2002 (#6376)

Glad things are okay for now. Let me know if I
can ever help you out. I do care about you, ya
know. Take care sweetie.
Love ya, Rhonda

Re: Whatever
Posted by The Ghooul on Fri Sep 6 09:02:50 2002 (#6403)

on The Quote and Band I can help.
Spelling: Hoobastank
Name means: Slang for Who's Butt stinks? (or is stanken')
Song:Running away
About: Loseing someone without them giveing you a reason.
Intro:I don't want you to give it all up
And leave your own life collecting dust
And I don't want you to feel sorry for me
You never gave us a chance to be
And I don't need you to be by my side
To tell me that everything's alright
I just wanted you to tell me the truth
You know I'd do that for you

Keep the tunes Blarein'
And The sadness departing
For
As bob marly said in Trenchtown Rock:
"One good thing about music... When it hits you, you feel no pain. So hit me with music, Brutalize me with music."

-The Ghooul

(Christopher)

my friend
Posted by Erryn on Thu Sep 5 01:28:43 2002 (#6373)

hey guys i got a really cool friend that i told about the website, she has read my posts and have posted to one message, well anyway i was wondering if you guys would care if she would post or talk to you, she doesnt know about what but i told her just be your friends, and listen, shes really nice and understanding, her name is stacey, so if any of you guys want to talk to her, she helped me alot the reason im here probably take care everybody xxxErryn

Re: my friend
Posted by stacey on Thu Sep 5 01:42:27 2002 (#6374)

thanks erryn,i'll always be here for you if you ever need me. Im glad that I could help you.
take care
stacey

Re: my friend
Posted by Rhonda on Thu Sep 5 02:11:27 2002 (#6375)

Hi Stacey,
I'm so glad you'll be there Erryn. You will
always be welcomed here. Take care.
Love, Rhonda

Re: my friend
Posted by Dawn on Thu Sep 5 06:56:49 2002 (#6381)

Hi, as Rhonda already said you are welcome here. We can always use encouragement. :) Dawn

Re: my friend
Posted by stacey on Fri Sep 6 18:57:46 2002 (#6413)

thank you for welcoming me. erryn is a really good friend. I dont know what I can do to help, but I will listen to any of you. All of you take care.
stacey

what i never was
Posted by mego on Thu Sep 5 06:11:12 2002 (#6379)

see me smile//hear me laugh//pretend we all//forgot the past//we know theres too much//we can't take back//too many questions//nobody will ask//"how have you been??"//everythings fine//do you remember when//you made me cry??//do you remember//how close we were//i don't care about//you and her//i don't want to know//how happy you are//but then you bring up//the backseat in my car//don't even start//you made me bleed//i thought i had//everything i need//don't talk about him//and ask if everythings cool//cause the two of us//broke all the rules//but i saw your smile//and i heard your laugh//i felt your arms around my waist//and i'm stupid to think back//i guess its good to see you again//i guess things will be okay//today we talked a little more//than we did yesterday//tonight i'll bleed again//no reason just because//and i'll stop thinking of what you are//and what i never was

Re: what i never was
Posted by Dawn on Thu Sep 5 06:52:52 2002 (#6380)

wow. what courage. what strength. to turn it into words. I didn't hear any hate. that is good to some people but the words ring in my ears//where's the hate. where's the anger, there should be anger.
oooooh your words your experience not mine. Maybe there is no hate or anger because you are not me. But as I read your words I felt their reality and I do not even know the story THE FACTS too vague. I'm sorry you have so much pain that goes unheard. Is it not present or is it present but unvoiced?

Sorry if my words do not fit your your experience I'm only putting my physical response into words... :( Dawn

Re: what i never was
Posted by Lone Wolf on Thu Sep 5 22:43:35 2002 (#6394)

I love your poems MEgo, it's one reason why I come on here. Please post more....

Re: what i never was
Posted by mego on Thu Sep 5 22:53:49 2002 (#6396)

yeah... i don't know either. some of that wasn't really meant to be understood by everyone, there was an inside joke between the two of us in there, little stuff like that. i didn't wanna put a lotta detail in cause i'd rather post things that a lotta people can relate to, you know?? details might make it too personal. i don't know why there wasn't anger or hate or anything in there either. we were talkin for about an hour today, hes quieter than he used to be, i said something about it and hes like "yeah, i changed..." we were sittin on the gym floor and i kinda sighed and put my head on my knees for a second, my hair fell in my face and he reached over to brush it back like he always used to and put his arm around me and his head on top of mine and i didn't feel anything except sorry that it hurts so bad.

Re: what i never was
Posted by Eleanor on Sun Sep 8 20:05:46 2002 (#6456)

i remember the first time i ever came on a psyke board, the old one, and the first thing i read was one of your poems. that's what made me come back a second time. i missed you girl. hope things get better. do you ever hear from beka by the way?? x

Hey kat
Posted by Taeriel on Thu Sep 5 11:47:33 2002 (#6383)

Hey, you feeling any better?
Just to let you know I'm thinking about you.
Taeriel

Re: Hey kat
Posted by kat on Thu Sep 5 23:29:12 2002 (#6397)

yeah Im still hangin around. I feel like terrible shit because I used to reply to almost every single post that was made on here, and now I can only bring myself to even answer maybe one. ugh I suck, but besides that well Im not doing so great.
got tests done at the doctors
my car got broken into
:(
everything is just shit.
but thanks for askin bout me.
:)
take care
*hugs*
kat

Re: Hey kat
Posted by Taeriel on Sat Sep 7 10:04:53 2002 (#6431)

Well, guess what? My house was broken into, and I'm also waiting for test results from the doctor.
Wierd.

Re: Hey kat
Posted by kat on Sat Sep 7 16:37:13 2002 (#6441)

well I hope your test results turn out okay.
that is weird
but all the same , sucks about your house.
stupid people needing to breaking into other peoples things, ugh makes me mad.
sorry
take care

kat

I had a WONDERFUL DREAM!!!
Posted by Dawn on Thu Sep 5 17:39:19 2002 (#6387)

Wow.... I went to a doctor and over the course of time my story unfolded before him. At first it seemed to make him horny, r so I thoughtkl (sometimes my hands go awry and whack the keys and it is dificult to type correctly. Just wanted you to know because they did their thing and it is easier to ttell you that to always go back and correct the misktakes time and time again. It is something I have to live with and since you are my friends you should know it will sure same me alot of time..sorry) NEway back to the dream.

It turned out he loved me in a good way and was doing all he could to protect me from more harm. In the end he transfered my care to his friends and family all of which he gave up in my behald.

When Paul woke me upi i I saw the dream as a type of Christ. I wonder if God gave me the dream to erase the bad memories I have of Bob since today is the day of our 2 marriages. We would have been married (or dead)io 32 years today.

I;m ok saying GOOD BYE BOB, get out of my head and my life and STAY OUT. My life is better without you in it.klj So long

Now if I could just get rid of these hand jerking things. My doctor says its part of fibermyalgisa. bye...:) Dawn

Re: I had a WONDERFUL DREAM!!!
Posted by stranger in the night on Thu Sep 5 18:14:21 2002 (#6391)

glad you had a good dream......

take care love donna xxxx

Re: I had a WONDERFUL DREAM!!!
Posted by Rhonda on Fri Sep 6 01:16:52 2002 (#6398)

Happy to see you had a really nice dream. Everyone
deserves one every once in a while. I hope you're
feeling better every day. You know I'm always here
for you my very dear friend. Oh, I expect to find
you something wonderful at the arts festival this
Saturday. Take care of yourself Dawn and know that
I consider you the sister I've never had. I will
always love you.
Love ya, Rhonda

i just opened up to the psych....
Posted by stranger in the night on Thu Sep 5 18:17:01 2002 (#6392)

told her pretty much everything.......im sooooooo relieved. im seeing this as a fresh start! i start a new college too next week....will be scary at first but its all new........new people to hang with, new emotions to deal with....eg....relief........th ings are looking up. how long it lasts i dunno? but for once ill look at this from an optimistic viewpoint. hey, also a fresh start too because we all getting a new board..! i swear its a sign.......fresh start all round for me then

donna xxx

(((HUGS TO ALL)))

Re: i just opened up to the psych....
Posted by Dawn on Fri Sep 6 06:06:38 2002 (#6401)

Donna thank you for your opitmision. Glad you opened up to you shink that is the past to getting better. love and hugs .. Dawn

Re: i just opened up to the psych....
Posted by She on Fri Sep 6 16:47:27 2002 (#6409)

:):).
She

~Teehee Info on me once agian~
Posted by Lone Wolf on Thu Sep 5 22:46:55 2002 (#6395)

"Shaved" agian. THis time 16 times with a double bladed razor so it was twice 16...i hate math you figure it out. This is the worst I've ever done...it's not deep but it's very noticable if i dont hvae a long sleeved shirt on. NOt good for school but who gives a fuck. I"m not goign to put myself in any mocking situation if I can keep myself hidden like I always do. *Smiles* Anyway, it rocked. THe fourth time for me. Sweet as me.

Re: ~Teehee Info on me once agian~
Posted by Rhonda on Fri Sep 6 01:18:44 2002 (#6399)

Please be careful honey. I always here for you if
you need me. Take care.
Love ya, Rhonda

Re: ~Teehee Info on me once agian~
Posted by Dawn on Fri Sep 6 06:02:45 2002 (#6400)

I'm sorry it is so hard residing inside your skin. I'm sorry there is something in your life that causes so much pain that you take it out on yourself. I've done it myself so I know the pain of which I speak. It grieves me just reading about your actions. I am going to say a special prayer for you. I am doing so as I type. Jesus please bless her with peace and comfort her troubled mind and spirit. In the name of Jesus Christ I pray. Amen.

I hope you have a change of heart my dear. Love and hugs. Dawn

sorry
Posted by rick on Fri Sep 6 18:41:34 2002 (#6412)

Hey Lone,

I guess I need one of those emoticon thingies....[sad face].

Rick

Re: ~Teehee Info on me once agian~
Posted by Erryn on Sat Sep 7 00:43:45 2002 (#6424)

im sorry, if you need anything im here take care xxxErryn

wonderful dream did not happen
Posted by Dawn on Fri Sep 6 06:37:56 2002 (#6402)

It is so weird I thought a lot about that dream throughout this afternoon and cannot for the life of me figure out what was so wonderful. The rich doctor was groping me all the way through it until right at the very end. when he started protecting me mostly from himself when his wife came on the scene.

That has been the way it has always been throughout my life. I believed the good part and chucked the bad. But the truth was that after the guy got his rocks off in me or on me I changed the story so that I didn't have to face the truth that I was raped, fondled, molested, prostituted by one person or many. I don't have to play lets pretend what happened didnt happen anymore. So why the wonderful dream crap?

Re: wonderful dream did not happen
Posted by The Ghooul on Fri Sep 6 09:42:07 2002 (#6405)

"The mind is a world of it's Own" -Paridice lost

"You ever have a long hard day at work? Realy tireing, Come home at the end of the day. Finaly lye down in bed. And then wake up and realise the whole day was a dream? Bad enugh you sell your wakeing life for minimum wage, But now they get your dreams for free." (Parafraseing) -A charecter in the move wakeing life

I awoke,
Startled by the nightmare
in my minds eye,
swet mixing with tears into,
strange angled shimmers apon my face,
As I screemed to my mind,
Beging it to tell,
Why it has put me through these horrors,
These fears and lancky darknesses,
to taint my rest
into tainting my wakeing life,
And in The Quiet,
that followed,
I heard my mind reply:
"Why are you screeaming apone how vivid,
these horrors are,
When you shun
paridices in thy dreams?
for the fact that they are not real?"
With this
I dryed my tears,
upon my pillow
and proceeded
to invite my nightmares
to a banquet
For they would have to frighten me,
Wile I dined
In my fabuless Cathedral.

-A Ghooul origional

Be strong,

gathering your tears,

-The Ghooul

(christopher)

Oh I forgot...
Posted by The Ghooul on Fri Sep 6 09:52:40 2002 (#6406)

Sorry I forgot my trademark stupid fact:

There are three things that have been proven you cant do in a dream:
1)Ajust light levels
2)Read digital watches/clocks
3)read or write small print

It is also said that you can not see yourself die in a dream. You are supposed to wake up before. But I know from personal experience, that is not true. I guess if you subcontously want to do something enugh... you can

The Ghooul

Re: wonderful dream did not happen
Posted by kat on Sat Sep 7 05:34:47 2002 (#6430)

: /
im sorry dawn

kat

old poem..
Posted by The Ghooul on Fri Sep 6 09:12:00 2002 (#6404)

I atualy found one I didn't burn yet in an old drawer:

After all

You look on
curious at the twisted face
of the simple form before you
and wonder
Is it real?

After all how could someone be that way
If not to upset you
After all can't they just stop?
After all isn't tuff love best?
After all Aren't they just spoiled?
And why this pain inward flowing?
Aren't they just acting?
Aren't tears just wasted?
Won't they lern eventualy?
No one is sad all the time
No one is sad forever
After all their not normal
After all they'll be better off
After all it's easy to look away

After all is said and done
Blood soaked floor and smokeing gun
Will your eyes turn and run?
But why?
It's just another one
After all...

Re: old poem..
Posted by lone on Fri Sep 6 23:16:25 2002 (#6418)

Sweet. I like that alot. Keep posting your stuff...i love it.
Later,
Lone

EEEkkkk new message bored
Posted by She on Fri Sep 6 16:37:58 2002 (#6407)

Its soo big and lotsa stuff to press.
Are we going to have to move there or will this bored still be here forever or urm well i dunno but hello n e way.
There dosent apper to be many people from here logged on there yet so i thourght that maby it wasn't nessasery for is to move over there but then i thourght yeah maby i do so now im a bit confused could someone puurlease enlighten me cause im a little confused .
Luve you She

Happy birthdayyy Eleanor !!!!!!!!!!
Posted by She on Fri Sep 6 16:46:55 2002 (#6408)

Happy birthday to you Happy Birthday to youuuu happy bithday my beautiful pola queen Happpyyyy biiiirrrthday tooo yoouuuuuuuuuuuuuu :).
OK
Hee hee this is a whole post dedicated to Eleanor on here 18 Birthday :).Firstly {{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{huge huggles}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}
(opens a botter of champane from the Igloo)
Ok so thank you so so much for being such a wonderfull friend on here from the first time i got on here i can remember how welcome you made me feel I know things have driffed a little since then but I wanted to say thankyou so so much for being round for me listening to me mone and cry and just putting up with me being bloody Dull and silly.Thankyou for making me feel like there was maby a little reason for staying round and feeling like there was someone in this fucked up world who cared about people who has lived through so so much and still comes round .
***Mwwwhhuuugglleeeeeeeeee:) :):):):)
Maby this year will be a little kinder huh ?
Bet your looking absolutle gouuurrgouse in the corset :)
Hope your feeling well
Love you forever
She~b
Ps: Come see the new psyke bored its wierd and theres lots of funny things on it :)

Re: Happy birthdayyy Eleanor !!!!!!!!!!
Posted by She on Fri Sep 6 18:17:04 2002 (#6411)

OHhhhhhhh el Guess what ???????
He ehee you havveee gotta go to the new Psyke borde and see the penguines :):):):):):). There sooo coooooooooool.
Luve you more
She

Re: Happy birthdayyy Eleanor !!!!!!!!!!
Posted by Broken Girl on Fri Sep 6 19:47:34 2002 (#6414)

Happy birthday eleanor!
Love you loads and loads and loads, Ella xXxXx

Re: Happy birthdayyy Eleanor !!!!!!!!!!
Posted by Erryn on Sat Sep 7 00:41:30 2002 (#6423)

HAPPY BIRTHDAY GIRL
love ya Erryn

Re: Happy birthdayyy Eleanor !!!!!!!!!!
Posted by kat on Sat Sep 7 04:55:16 2002 (#6429)

sending my love

kat

my friend
Posted by erica on Fri Sep 6 18:06:35 2002 (#6410)

Hi everyone,
I did not know where else to go. One of my internet friends has committed suicide. She was suffering from a lot of pain from an injury to her arm. Even though I know that she was in pain it is still a shock to me. She lived in the UK so I deffinetely can't make it to the funeral. Oh well.
I suppose that it will be really hitting me soon.

erica

Re: my friend
Posted by Sam on Fri Sep 6 22:46:31 2002 (#6417)

I'm so sorry to hear about your friend. Suicide is so much harder for the people on the outside.I don't know what else to say other than I'm here if you need me. Oh yeah, and it's okay to be sad, but stay safe.

Sam

Re: my friend
Posted by lone on Fri Sep 6 23:21:37 2002 (#6419)

Um i guess Ditto to what Sam said.
Later,
Lone

Re: my friend
Posted by Erryn on Sat Sep 7 00:39:50 2002 (#6422)

im sorry to hear about your friend, if you need anything just ask, take care xxxErryn

Re: my friend
Posted by Rhonda on Sat Sep 7 15:56:24 2002 (#6437)

Erica,
I'm so sorry to hear about your friend. I know
what it is like to loose someone you love. I will
say a prayer for you every night. If you need
anything, please email me. I'll always be here for you. Take care sweetie.
Love ya, Rhonda

Re: my friend
Posted by erica on Wed Sep 11 02:08:45 2002 (#6483)

Thanx everyone for the support. I will miss her, but I think she's in a better place.

Erica

suicide *trigger*
Posted by Kayleigh on Fri Sep 6 20:43:09 2002 (#6415)

I'm just sitting here listening to music praying for the strength to cut my wrists open. It's wrong and I know it. But I'm so unhappy here. My life isn't that bad. But it's crushing me and I'm miserable all the time. Everything hurts a thousand times more than it should and I hate myself so much I have to hide away to stop others from hating me too. My brother called me a glass-cutter psycho earlier. I didn't even think he knew. I just stormed out and trashed his room in a fit of anger, before locking myself away, crying, cutting...and contemplating suicide. I just want it all to go away. Why is this so hard? I think I need pills again...cutting my wrist makes me squemish. Ironic, huh? But stomach pumping is harsh. And yes, the sad person I am, I'm holding onto the thought I'll be saved. Sad isn't it?

Kayleigh

Re: suicide *trigger*
Posted by The Ghooul on Fri Sep 6 21:54:29 2002 (#6416)

no it's not sad. it's cleshe', but often hope is all we have. eaven when its nothing but a wish in the subcontious. I've printed this quote before. But it's to show how someone can find confedence in nothing.

"I'll never give up, For I may have a streek of luck before I die." -Thomas Edison

Oh and tell your Bro I said shut up!
(Just kidding)
Heres hopeing fate shines your way.
The graveyard wanderer,
Ghooul

Re: suicide *trigger*
Posted by lone on Fri Sep 6 23:24:42 2002 (#6420)

It's not stupid to want to be saved, if you want it bad enough you just shouldn't sit around waiting for it. Go out and find it. That's what I've done a few times. Sometimes it work's and sometimes it does. But no matter what pit's you fall into, you just can't give up, and cutting isn't giving up. It's coping.

Re: suicide *trigger*
Posted by Erryn on Sat Sep 7 00:37:20 2002 (#6421)

i hope you are feeling a little better, i think if we all tried we could split our wrists wide open it just feels like something wont let us i just dont understand i just hope you are doing better take care xxxerryn

Re: suicide *trigger*
Posted by rick on Sat Sep 7 01:54:29 2002 (#6426)

Hey Kayleigh,

Well, that's what brothers are for. I have 2 daughters and a son and I know they love each other. But, they say the meanest things sometimes. Hang in there, tommorow's another day.

Rick

Re: suicide *trigger*
Posted by kat on Sat Sep 7 04:52:23 2002 (#6428)

im really sorry sweetie.
my brother says shit like that to me EVERYDAY.
i burned my hand cooking some food and hes like I bet you did that on purpose, well I guess it just comes with the territory.
but you dont deserve it.
*hugs*
trust me I know what you mean
I dont know exactly how you feel
but ive been down where everythings hurts a thousand times worse.
please be careful
i care
love kat

Re: suicide *trigger*
Posted by Taeriel on Sat Sep 7 10:17:08 2002 (#6432)

Hey, sorry.
Life just sucks sometimes, doesn't it?
Remember that most of us have been through the same thing.
We're all here for you.
Get help if you can, in any way you can.
Love Taeriel

Re: suicide *trigger*
Posted by Rhonda on Sat Sep 7 16:20:19 2002 (#6438)

Kayleigh honey, I wish there was some way I could
say something and make things right for you, but
I don't know any magic words. I hope your days
get better soon. I'm always here if you need me.
If I can do anything, please let me know. Take
care of yourself honey, you are very special to me.
LOve ya, Rhonda

HOPE IS THE KEY WE ALL USE EVERYDAY
Posted by Dawn on Sat Sep 7 21:50:03 2002 (#6451)

They are all right. Every single response. Those of us who cut live on hope that tomorrow will be better. I moved across from a fire station once and felt safe from myself. Myself seemed hell bent on killing myself so I told people if there comes a time when I do overdose or DO SOME OTHER ACTIVITY TAT IS LIFE THREATENING hopefully I can get to help faster living there.

cutting is coping not life threatening as someone said. I can't seem to find the umpth to slit my wrists. I'm too timid when it comes to cutting slow and steady not quick and deep. otherwise it hurts like hell

hey guys
Posted by *Poison on Sat Sep 7 01:44:50 2002 (#6425)

hey
i'm not doing good, i had a really bad counseling session yesterday, i'm not even going to go into it. i'm just doing awful, and i have no one besides you guys to talk to. i e-mailed my english teacher and told him i needed someone to talk to and this is what he said
OF COURSE you can talk to me ANYTIME... but I might ramble back. Why
don't
we chat sometime afterschool? Monday maybe? Caution: depending on your
issues, I might suggest a guidance professional... I hear they're good
at
listening (it's their job). Stop by and we'll chat.

mr. h

but now i know that i can't talk to him, i don't even know what i would have sid anyway, cause i'm afraid that i might let it all out, and then he would have to tell guidance, and i don't want to go down that road again. i just want to talk to someone about all this shit going through my head, i haven't been able to sleep lately and it's only the 6th day of school and i'm already starting to slip. the worst thing i can think of to happen is if i start to cry in front of him. he is 24 years old, and he has a great sense of humor. *sigh* this is one of my problems, i want help but i don't want to have to put my problems on someone else. maybe i should just write a bunch of stuff and give it to him? i dont' now....

Amanda

Re: hey guys
Posted by Taeriel on Sat Sep 7 10:20:12 2002 (#6433)

When I was at school (Wow, i sound so old, at 22...) I spoke to my english teacher. She helped, and didn't tell anyone else. So maybe give it a try? If you think he'll be understanding.

Re: hey guys
Posted by Rhonda on Sat Sep 7 16:23:00 2002 (#6439)

I think maybe writing stuff down is a good idea.
Sometimes, I have trouble saying things I want to
say, but I can write down the same feelings and
do it better that way. Try it and see if it helps
any. Give him a chance. Let me know how things go,
okay? Take care of yourself sweetie.
Love ya, Rhonda

Getting it out and on paper WORKS
Posted by Dawn on Sat Sep 7 21:20:17 2002 (#6447)

I've written reems of work. It is good therapy. If you are not certain about this guy you might take your paper to a counseling session and read it aloud to your counselor. You might also do as you suggested and give it to your teacher and let him know you just need to talk to someone and that you already have a counselor but that you don't trust heim/her. Or you can send what you wrote to Rhonda. She is a good listener and friend. She understands a lot more than a lot of other people.

I have written letters to God and left them in pews in churches. All idea

This is not an exit...
Posted by The Ghooul on Sat Sep 7 02:51:20 2002 (#6427)

For the first time in four months. I have three new gashes in my chest. Would have been my arm but I need to hide them better. Brining it on were My only happy memorys when I looked at some old pictures in a box in my room. My only happy memory being my ex-girlfriend Renee. She was the only one who Never seemed to look at me in discust. Why can't I just find someone that makes me feel human again. I long for the warmth of there cheek next to mine. To catch there salty tears when ever they feel pain. With her was the only time I felt worth. It matters not If I stop tearing apart my skin, If I feel drained of my blood anyway. just to have her look at me out of the corner of her eye, stick out her toulng and smile. A ghoul must have a vampire to sustain his/her existence. Why wont someone eaven use me? They wont eaven use me as a doormat. for they wont use me at all. I sit, gathering moss, looking for where my humanity left me.

"And sail belly up to the clouds,
the rocks scraping our backs.
To breath in the air will be
the only thing that we have
and if the hook sets in
the bottom of our lungs,
we'll rip it out and lick the blood off with our tongues. "
-Band: saves the day
-Song: This is not an exit

may fate remember Im not dead yet,
-The Ghooul
(Christopher)

Re: This is not an exit...
Posted by Taeriel on Sat Sep 7 10:24:02 2002 (#6434)

It's difficult to find someone who really feels like part of you, isn't it?
But you don't need to be a doormat, that will just make things worse.
Thinking of you
Taeriel

Re: This is not an exit...
Posted by Rhonda on Sat Sep 7 16:25:55 2002 (#6440)

Hi,
I don't think I've talked to you before. I'm sorry you're feeling bad. If you ever need to talk, just email me. I usually hang around in the
evenings. Take care of yourself.
Love, Rhonda

Re: This is not an exit...
Posted by Dawn on Sat Sep 7 20:38:26 2002 (#6444)

It is possible to find someone if only a companion+ more.. I have Paul. We love each other but are not IN LOVE with each other. It is more than friendship but not passionate. I can settle for that at this point in my life.

He accepts my scars and wounds and doesn't say "do not cut" or I love you please promise to call to call if you feel the need to cut. As I said it isn't perfect but I have had what I called love and it sucked.better paul than false love. It allows me freedom to forgive time while Im heaing of my mind and spirit. Love and hugs...Dawn

Re: This is not an exit...
Posted by Lone Wolf on Sun Sep 8 02:44:01 2002 (#6452)

No, it's worse to let those guys in. MOst of um my age are just assholes and can't stop thinking of sex and shit. Not for me...no one not unless they see and understand...are worthing talking to...and see me as something else than just a crazy bitch to fuck. Catch me? good. NOw you got one more thing of my personal thoughts. DOn't let it slip.
Later,
Lone