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Cara

Copyright, Cara

The first time I cut I wanted to kill myself. I was 14 years old. I didn't have the courage to go deep enough, but found that it provided akind of rush and relief that I had never experianced.

Looking at the scars I felt bad and vowed never to do it again.

I managed to maintain a grip on things for about six months, then my aunt had a stoke. Everyone in my family refused to involve me, telling me I was too young.

So i cut againa few times after that. They were not that bad, and that was it for a while.

I had been really depressed for quite a while, and was finding things very hard to cope with.

Then I met this boy, within moments of meeting him I was head over heels, and we were together within a week of meeting. I fell madly in love, and for the first time my problems all went away. Things were amazing, but within a month we were over, and it broke my heart.

Suddenly, all my previous problems came flooding back to me... My home situation isn't that great, my fathers an alcoholic, my mother resents me and my older brother because of my dad, my brother's 25 and has moved out, so I am here all alone.

I began to cut seriously, it started out on my wrists and I could hide it easily, but i grew more and more depressed. I started using razorblades, and cutting deeply all up my arms and legs, I have a few across my stomach as well.

I have attempted suicide three times now, and things are not looking so good, and ive been diagnosed with clinical depression, and am still very unhappy.

When I cut i feel this instant relief, its unlike anything else in this world. Physical pain is nothing compared to mental pain. I am completely dependant on cutting myself, and rely on it heavily for any emotional security. My life is in pieces, and cutting myself is the only thing that pulls me through the day. I wish things could be different.

I wish I could say there was a happy ending to this but there isn't. I am feeling the need to cut right now.

To anyone out there who is hurting in the same way, I hope that you get through it, and i know how hard it can be.

The problems I have mentioned here are onlly the tip of the iceberg, and if anyone wants to contact me then my email address is fairy_gurl180@hotmail.com.

I'm still crying those red tears that don't seem to go awat day or night.

I wish it didn't have to be like this.

Crying Red Tears

Crying red tears,
Praying to sleep.
And the times I lie there, dirty floorboards,
blood stained sheets,
when i scream your name,
do you hear me?
do you want to hear me?
I'm the little girl in the corner of the room,
crying,
scared of her own shadow,
waiting for her release,
still chasing those rainbows,
still crying,
still hurting,
still wishing for an ending.
the night fills the room,
and she reaches for the blades,
crying red tears,
sitting all alone, I have nothing to left to lose,
emptiness,
pain,
I am just another dissapointment,
as i draw the blade across the flesh i am praying for it all to end.