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Katie
Copyright, Katie
i was washing dishes. that was always my responsibility - wash and dry and put away all the dishes. and i did it faithfully. every night. sometimes, it didn't even bother me all that much. but one night... i had so much on my mind. i had just gone from a very emotional "high", to an extremely emotional "low". i was hurting inside - a lot. i had never really experienced hurt like this. or to this extent.
i was washing the very large, very sharp and shiny butcher's knife that we still have hanging in my kitchen. i have painful memories every time i see it now. i was washing it carefully... intentionally... like i was preparing it for something. it was the last thing i had to wash for the evening. i looked down at my wrist, and i just felt this... this need. like i had to put that knife there, and i had to slide it across my skin. i can still remember exactly how it felt. like it burned and itched at the same time. i wore long sleeves for a day or two. i figured it would heal up, and then i would never have to think about it again. just my luck- a friend saw it. we were at an audition for a play. i reached out to grab something from her hand, and out came my wrist. she saw my cuts... there were five of them. long, and straight. she was surprised, and scared. she grabbed my arm and asked me what happened. i told her "nothing" and that i was fine. she didn't believe me.
she told a couple of my other friends. i really didn't care. it didn't matter to me- i knew they wouldn't tell any teachers. so it was fine. that night, my mom found them though. she freaked out on me- i tried to tell her i fell off my bike. the next few days were hell though. she cried, and i cried... she accused me of attempting suicide. i tried to tell her it wasn't true. and then she told me next time she would send me to counseling. she found them one more time. but she never kept her threat. i suffered through the rest of middle school- my self mutilation progressed to other things, like an eating disorder. and i started to take pills. a lot of them. any thing that could make me hurt, and i would do it. i stopped for a few months - it was during the summer. i was isolated enough from people that i didn't have to think about them.
i started high school this year. there have been a lot of things happening in my life- some relationships that ended up very badly, and some situations that made me feel as if i had compromised my self worth. so i've still got a problem with self mutilation. i used to consider suicide, but i don't anymore. i can't take that idea seriously. i mean, there are a lot of things in life that i can look forward to. self mutilation may help me get through life right now, but i'm sure there will be a point when i will no longer need it. thanks for listening to my story.