I try to be the person I truly am.
But I’m always told that I should change,
For this to happen,
my heart would need to rearrange.
is it worth it?
should I listen?
If I would,
would they finally accept me?
Would they finally let me be?
Should I take the chance and see?
I’m never going to be good enough,
no matter how hard I try.
I can’t seem to,
and for all this I cry.
The shed of those tears proves I am weak.
This is why its so hard to speak.
To show I have fallen down to my knees,
screaming out all of these pleas.
Accept me for me,
let me be.
I don’t wanna change to please you.
But how else would I be accepted?
I wouldn’t would I?
I have no choice.
You’ve won again.
As before I am weak,
So it will stay,
I will forever not speak.
These words play over and over in your mind.
People see you,
you “look” happy.
No one knows what goes on in your mind.
You know what you’re contemplating,
but no one else does.
Soon they will,
Soon they’ll see.
You’ll no longer appear before their eyes.
As you are gone,
people will begin to realize what has actually taken place.
They’ll be haunted,
they’ll be tortured for what they’d done to you.
The screams you hear has given you a sense of relief.
You see the fear,
you feel the tension.
The heavy breathing,
he silent screaming.
You begin to cry,
not a simple clear tear,
but an abundant amount of red ones.
You can feel the blood trickle down your face as you slowly begin to realize that you’ve been taken over by the people who’ve hurt you the most.
You begin to forgive,
wishing you hadn’t had resentment towards any of them.
You know that they’d do anything to take it back if they could,
except the only thing different is that YOU wouldn’t.
You know that you’re where you belong,
and that if it wasn’t meant to happen,
it wouldn’t of.
These words that you’ve finally admitted to yourself show and fulfill conclusion.
Hidden In Plain View
the release of all you fears.
A sigh of relief,
after letting out all your grief.
You share a pain from the game that you know shouldn’t have been played.
I gave to you some sort of clue,
but boy did you missunderstand.
You freaked when you found out,
but boy without a doubt,
You say I never showed you,
you say you never seen,
you say that I hid all of it below my little sleeve.
I tell you I didn’t,
I tell you you’re wrong,
I tell you you’re terrible,
I even wrote you that song.
You said you loved the lyrics,
you said that they were great,
you must not have listened to closely,
for all the words were there.
my choice of words,
my scars that you should have seen,
should have given you the clues,
but you obviously didn’t notice me.
I should not be suprised,
you’re only one of many.
No one understands,
no one seems to care,
no one seems to share with me the the details of their lives,
so to tell you the truth,
honestly why should I?
If you’d let me go,
I’d forever fall.
My heart would no longer beat.
It would come to a complete stop.
I’d be daydreaming for you to come back to me.
I know it wouldn’t happen,
but I’d be wishing harder than ever.
My tears would fall.
I’ve already fallen in love with you,
can’t you see?
I’d do anything I could for you,
my mind would never let me forget you.
I don’t wanna let you go.
I hope you still come to me in my dreams.
I long to touch your face,
hold your sweet hand,
I miss the long walks on the sand.
I gave you my heart to do what you want,
but when you left you took it with you.
I’m wondering if you’ll return it soon so I can live again.
I can’t spend my days and nights crying over you,
even though I know you’re worth it.
I want to wait for you forever,
but I know you’re not coming back.
The hurt is unbearable.
I didn’t know that it would last this long.
I’m still trying to forget our song.
So it seems its happened again,
the unfailing ending.
I seem to be all alone yet again.
Thinking of You
Thinking of You
My thoughts of you disappearing swiftly with every blink of my eyes that I make.
All I can think is that your feelings were fake.
You thought to you I would “put out”.
In your mind there was no doubt.
In the end you realize,
that from the beginning I wore no disguise.
My feelings of truthness,
and how I felt.
It made you ruthless,
with the hand you were dealt.
I’m sorry you got stuck with me,
but from the beginning there was no ‘we’. You disowned me and betrayed me,
you stole my soul and stomped upon my heart,
when you decided we would forever be apart.
I have no option,
It would have been nice if you would have cared.
You claimed you did but you have lied.
Since that day I’ve secretly cried.
Why am I so worthless?
To you I had no purpose.
I feel like my hearts had a dagger put through it,
It bleeds with a burst of extreme pain
it relieves emotional pain
I love it
It feels like cutting
I love the dripping blood!
It runs down my arm like water out of a faucet
I feel the slice as I press the razor firmly against my skin
My blood begins to tingle as I begin to realize I’ve cut too deep
I don’t worry about me lying there dying,
all I worry about is that I’ve broken my promise to my friends
Are they going to hate me as I lay there dying?
Will they even learn to forgive me after I’m gone?
I start to wonder if I should call someone
I look down and see the pool of blood below me
I decided not to call anyone
I feel no shame
I want to die,
I finally get the chance
Should I call the people I love and tell them that I love them quick before it’s too late?
These are the final thoughts I ever had in my mind
I lost my life today
I and everyone else are forever happy!
You are a strong soldier,
you’re one of a kind,
you proceed through the war behind enemy lines.
You fight for our country more than anyone has.
Your courage shows,
but theres things no one knows.
You’ve witnessed things that most of us only see in our nightmares.
Your strength amazes me.
For someone so young to fight for our country is truly amazing!
We pray for you each night,
as we know that you are joining the fight!
It scares us to think,
and we let out a sigh,
you could be lost in the blink of an eye.
God watches over you and holds you in his arms and close to his heart,
you are a strong soldier,
he knows you won’t fall apart!
God’s with you through thick and thin,
when you feel lost just look deep within.
Just look to him and he’ll help you through,
just remember that we all love you too!
Your eyes they are beautiful
They tell me your story of years past
But, right now they seem to resemble glass
If I could, I’ll ask you why
You want to scream, but instead you cry
The tears they are falling as they appear like diamonds
I catch them as I hold you,
you fall to the floor as you begin to explain to me that you’ve settled the score
A bullet was shot but won’t soon be forgot
You’re eyes they are beautiful,
but now they stay shut,
I start to get this bad feeling in my lower gut
As I pull away I see the blood,
its covered my hands
I want to scream,
why didn’t you take me?
There are so many thing he didn’t get to see
Why so young?
So little spoke with his tongue
As I lay by his grave
I whisper to him
You’re eyes they are beautiful,
God needed them to see,
but I still don’t understand why couldn’t it have been me?
Why can’t people just let me be?
All I want to do is just be me
they all go by what they see
But they don’t truly know me
At times like these I just want to run away
I wish that I could cut my throat
but don’t worry,
I’ll be sure not to bleed on you
For I would still be me,
and it’s not like me to be rude of inconsiderate
with my last few gasping breaths I’d apologize for being who I was
The blood that spurted out was all of the hurtful words you spoke to or about me
For all this,
I now lay dying,
bleeding to death in front of you,
but you don’t make a move to help,
not even the slightest shed of emotion
You almost crack a smile
You think it’s funny
I now feel unloved,
so I no longer care
and now you’re aware
As people stare,
What have I ever done to them?
Can’t they stand to see me be ok?
Can’t they just let me that way?
A dagger driven through my heart,
but don’t be blind,
that was just the start.
A punch to the stomach,
The ground that will soon be blood soaked.
I lie there and think,
what would be best?
To let it be and stay here,
or to end it all with this one glass shear.
I decide to go,
I can’t even smile,
I know I seem vile.
can you blame me?
The way you treat me,
the way you “see” me.
GET OVER IT!
We’re NOT all like you.
So I don’t fit into you fucking “picture perfect” world.
What are you gonna do about it?
Tear me down so more?
GO FOR IT!
You don’t fucking know me!
I’m not gonna change for you,
you or anyone else!
Why do you insist on tearing me down all the time?
Does it honestly make you feel better about yourself?
Someday I’ll glow,
but for you,
Zombie Me, for You
As I lie here
I begin to think
Is all this crap really worth it?
Couldn’t I just leave this place unnoticed?
I was asked to change who I am for a guy fucking to like me
Is this normal?
Are people always asked to change themselves for a guy to like them?
Should I change?
Should I let them get the best of me?
Should I change for all to see?
but I will,
You’ll see how much I’ll change for you
Will you be pleased?
I doubt it though!
You’ll probably tell me I’m no good either way
So fuck you,
I don’t wanna change for you
I just want to be me
Is that such a bad request
I’m sorry I yelled
I will if it will make you happy!
Say goodbye to the old me
I’m now the Zombie that you wanted me to be
The tears begin to flow,
streaming down my cheeks,
falling to the floor.
“If I had the courage I’d walk straight out that door”
Scared that he would come searching for me,
Why can’t you see,
he hurts me physically,
he destroys me emotionally.
Fearing for my life,
When he raises his hand to me I just turn away.
Flinching at every step that he took,
I couldn’t even force myself to take one simple look.
I know I’m bruised,
I know I’m bloody.
It’s not like it’s always easy to hide,
but I manage.
One day I’ll walk,
he’ll no longer abuse me.
But until then,
he’ll continue to accuse me.
You’ll be pleased to hear I’m not ok
Nor will I ever be
I don’t understand how you can say that you don’t see
You’ve torn me from the inside out
And we both know you knew about it
You know what you did
You knew it would hurt
You also knew you made me feel like dirt
The pain you forced upon me by the words that you have spoke
You said it all with meaning
but you said it was a joke
How could it have been a joke when you’ve always held resentment towards me for reasons I don’t know
Today I will reveal my feelings
Hands of Hell
She slowly emerged from the corner,
her make-up running,
her eyes bloodshot from the unending river of tears streaming from her eyes,
and down her bloody and bruised face.
You could see the fear in her eyes,
afraid he would wake-up.
Fearing for her life,
she creeped through the dark towards the door,
her only chance of survival.
As she passed the bed,
she glanced over at him,
terrified he would wake-up.
almost making it to the door,
she could see her dreams becoming reality,
until they soon became black and filled with false memories.
She felt a firm hand grab her ankle,
and rip her back into hell.
With the raise of his hand,
she flinched hoping and praying for it to be over soon,
when he dropped his hand,
she felt the smack,
then all became terror.
Total horror in this small town.
She lost her life today,
and probably won’t be remembered,
I’m here today for no real reason.
I guess you could say,
‘I’m out of season’.
People would rather me not be here,
so for now and forever I will stay clear.
No real reason for me to live,
I guess in the end I will learn to forgive.
In the end I will redeem myself,
until then I will remain on a shelf.
Hid away from all the world.
I watch the rain fall as the tears stream from my eyes,
by hiding here I don’t need to wear a disguise.
It is a relief,
to most people it may seem that I’ve quit.
so maybe I have,
but it’s almost torture for me to laugh.
Pain from deep down brought to the surface now being revealed.
Never Failing Ending
Things will go wrong yet once again,
although I’m not surprised.
It will be just like it was back then,
I’ll even discard his lies.
Dreams of being happy together,
gone within a flash.
Feelings change like the change of the weather,
and they can shatter just like glass.
Ripped from my heart,
Feelings I felt.
strongly fell apart,
sweet words spoke from you to me completely made me melt.
For now and forever that will change,
My tears will fall,
there just like rain.
Starting now I hear the call.
It is the end,
Empty feelings that won’t subside,
feelings inside that I can’t describe,
distant feelings inside me lie.
Screaming from within to be released and brought to the surface,
it’s now explicit about my purpose.
but often forgotten,
it didn’t matter,
I mostly felt rotten.
Scars remain upon my arms,
but rarely to my parents does it set off alarms.
Alone and forgotten,
my feelings continue,
tears turning to dust,
all anyone ever felt for me were insignificant moments of lust.
Screaming from the inside.
Fear that is eternal.
Never ending pain conquers me.
Lost, I search for my soul.
Crying proves I am weak.
Starless nights of pitch black and rain.
The pain is so severe.
No longer do music, writing, or dancing console me.
The result, empty.
People are staring.
I hear the whispers, the gasps, the laughs out loud.
I can’t take much more.
The don’t see me for who I am, but as a demon that has invaded their “picture perfect” world.
Exiled by communication.
No way of reaching the “outside” world.
Where do I belong?
Of course, NO WHERE.
Lying here, staring at my celing, I drift off into a world of nothingness,
a world in which I fit perfectly.
Scratching at my ego, destroying it completely.
So it seems I’ve lost again.
The tears in my eyes pulsing exuberantly to be let out.
I won’t allow it, not in public.
I shield my feelings from the world again.
Blinded by your closed mind, I return to my room.
Alone, I express myself.
Feelings of myself return, but tomorrow the darkness will fall again repeating its every step, destroying me all over again.
Degrading words spoke from you to me.
I fall upon my knees.
No words left unspoke,
no shameful feelings felt in you.
Seeing me cry has given you joy,
I don’t understand what I’ve done to you?
Did I really cause you such immense pain that you need to destroy me?
I’m sorry I couldn’t be that friend,
that one that you confide in,
the one that makes you smile.
Us together was just a lie.
You’ve befriended me but I don’t understand why.
As close as we were,
and you just threw it all away.
It must have meant nothing to you,
and for that I’m sorry.
You’re always there to talk,
you’re always there to listen.
This is how I know you care,
you always let me know you’re aware.
You’re a shoulder for me to cry on,
a body for me to hug.
A place for me to go for security,
a warm and loving you!
You always know how to make me smile,
even if it takes awhile.
You’ve got the patients,
you’ve go the understanding.
You know what I need,
but you know i have no greed.
You respect me,
and I’ve given you the key for you to see how I am and why I’m me.
There is no need for sexual activity,
you actually just like being with ME,
it’s hard for me to let you get too close,
for fear that you may leave me go,
and yet again I’ll be stuck all alone.
I care for you,
and you care for me,
this is why I’m so happy!
Fear is something you use as an excuse for something that could be great in your life.
People fear reality,
people fear shame,
people fear what can be said to hurt their “perfect” name.
People fear their role,
people fear their lack of self-control.
People fear to die,
as well as have fear to cry.
Afraid to show emotion,
for fear of starting a commotion.
The fear of unknowingness is stronger than any other fear.
It holds a place in your heart that you don’t want to be there.
You wish it was gone,
for if it was you’d be strong.
The truth beholds without fear you’ll be gone.
Fear is eternal,
if you have not it,
you do not exist!
One slit of the wrist,
one sweet stroke on the skin,
you feel the blood drip as it seeps from within.
A destination unknown for you.
Will you go on until tomorrow?
Or will it all end with this next slice?
You head our for a drive,
it is icy,
you approach an upcoming curve.
Will you make it?
Or will this be it?
You board a plane,
as it leaves the ground,
you begin to think,
Will it land peacefully?
Or will it crash a disastrous crash/
You get in a car with someone who’s been drinking,
are they ok to drive?
Will you make it home safely?
Or will you need to make a pit stop at the hospital,
before ever even POSSIBLY going home?
As you can tell, everything in the world has its ups and downs,
and all of it is virtually…
The rupture of blood,
the color red,
the stains left upon the bed.
The drop of the knife,
after the last and final slice,
as you fall onto the floor.
You hear the sirens,
you begin to wake,
the tears start to stream down your face.
You see you mother,
you begin to scream.
Why didn’t you just let me be?
You know nothing good for me.
You just stay away,
Please pull the plug.
I don’t want a hug.
Get away from me.
Don’t you understand?
Don’t you comprehend?
I just wanted to be left upon that bed.
I wish I were dead,
as I’ve always said.
Why have you never listened to me?
Can’t you see I’m not happy?
Of course you wouldn’t,
you wouldn’t see,
for before this you didn’t notice me!
These feelings I feel are feelings of confusion.
I don’t know where to turn.
My stomach’s starting to churn.
I was aware,
but I didn’t want to be.
I just wanted to get away from being me.
If I could for just one day,
I think I’d want it to stay that way.
I wouldn’t cut,
I wouldn’t bleed,
I wouldn’t feel the insecurity of being me.
I wouldn’t feel ugly,
I wouldn’t feel fat,
I wouldn’t feel like I’m never good enough.
My heart was strong,
but you’ve messed it up.
You’ve taken my innocence and ravaged it.
You thought what you did to me was ok.
You thought I wouldn’t remember.
You thought it wouldn’t affect me,
you thought it was nothing.
I’ll never forget what happened,
or even you face,
I know that I was intoxicated,
but it’s not like it’s easy to forget.
I wish and wish each day,
that you’ll forever be erased from my mind.
Especially those times.
The terror that you put me through replays over in my mind.
I thought that I could trust you,
but boy have you proved me wrong.
You’ve scared me more than ever,
now I feel like I don’t belong.
I’ve been violated by you.
But no more,
I will start today with attempting to be strong.
This is just one step to recovery,
but one I’m willing to take.
You think that I exist,
but you were forever wrong.
My face has no features,
my body’s to big,
I’m too fat,
(I know that I am)
My soul is non-existent,
my tears they are dry.
What’s the point in living if you can’t cry?
My heart has bin removed,
it is no longer there,
nor am I.
You may see beautiful,
but I see imperfections.
I see all you don’t,
as well as you do,
but you still don’t know what I feel.
You reassure me that it will be ok,
and that I look fine,
but I find that you are WRONG!
As you stare deep into my soul,
you start to feel my pain…
Although you fear to understand,
you see me begin to cry,
you feel no sympathy!
You say i’ve brought it all on myself.
You know NOTHING!
Know it All
You know it all.
You know my pain,
you know my sorrow,
you sometimes know whats being brought tomorrow.
You know my disdain,
you know my distraught,
you know the joy I get when i cut.
You know when I cry,
you know when I fear,
you know my every single tear.
You know my heart better than anyone,
this is because you’ve broken it repeatidly!
You’ve torn it from my body and punctured it severly.
And so it may turn out that you know NOTHING!
will anyone ever know…?
the pain inside is to hard to hold…
i just wanted you to help me…
not runaway when you saw me…
was i asking too much?
i dont know…
i dont know…
i just wish…
i was never born.
i wish… i will never wake up…
never ever again