A lot of people talk about cutting being a very personal, private act. For me, I found comfort in others who shared my deepest secret. My friend and I used to go into the school bathrooms and sit on the sinks and cut together. We’d encourage eachother. We’d comfort eachother. Looking back, I think it’s sick that we actually felt better harming ourselves and not trying to stop eachother. But we had an understanding — we both knew what it was like.
When I told my two best friends about my problem, they didn’t understand why I did it. I explained about the power you feel, and the control you have, and the rush you get — I didn’t think that cutting was bad. It’s my body, people do worse things to it all the time, so what’s wrong with scarring myself? I like looking at my scars knowing that I’ve gotten through rough times.
One of my friends went through my wallet and took my razor away. He said that I needed to stop, and he couldn’t understand why I was in so much pain. I’ve never been abused, like so many SI’ers have, it’s more emotional. I’ve gone through things that I hope all of you will never have to go through. I needed a way to cope with my pain, and my fears. I found a way through cutting.
I don’t care what anyone says — cutting feels good. I’m sure those who have been in my place feel the same way. There’s a certain pleasure in the pain. It’s like letting all your problems bleed through your skin. It’s relief. So many of us keep our emotions bottled up, and it becomes overwhelming — cutting was my way of letting it out.
Thankfully, I’ve been able to overcome, though not completely, my problem. I cut so much less than I used to, and I feel so much better about myself. It’s hard to hide the scars forever, and it’s hard to get over the addiction, but if you can, you’ll be so happy in the end.
The temptation never goes away. But at least there’s hope.
I really feel that people, especially teachers and students, should be much more educated in S.I. I feel that the disorder is common among teens, but since it’s a very secret kind of thing, not many know it even exists. I hate feeling like a freak for what I did, when there are people who vomit after every meal who can almost, by teenagers, be considered pretty normal. I really hope in the future people understand S.I. a lot better.