My name is Haley I am fifteen right at the moment. At this moment I am cut free, but I don’t know if I am going to last very long. I have been cut free for about six months at the moment. I still research on the internet about self harm and self injury and it makes me want to do it even more each day. I wish I never quit because it doesn’t really help if you quit the way I quit. I quit because I was forced to, or forced to get sent off if I was caught again. Every day I cry and I hold in my emotions and every day that get stronger and stronger and I attempt to kill myself every time because I have so much built up inside me that I can’t handle it. I tell my mom every day that I am still alive because I love her so much. Well, I am going to tell you my story where they took my best friend (razor) away from me.
It was the summer of 5th grade and I was like eleve I think. I was at my best friend’s house. We were like sisters and we were going to go to her granny’s but we had to stay at her house by ourselves one day because her parents had to work that mornin.
Well, her brothers were like my brothers and one of her brothers were there that day and he was about fifteen or sixteen. Me and her wanted to feel pretty so we put on these really pretty shirts and they were sorta skimpy but I didn’t think nothing of it in front of her brother because we were so close.
Well later on that day me and her brother was just playing around and he started to ask me was I a virgin and I didn’t want to feel babyish so I said no. And I asked him and he said no too. Well we started talking about that kind of stuff and he asked me did I want to have sex with him and I kept blowing it off. Well I went in the living room to talk to my friend and I told her what her brother said and she told me to do it and have fun, but I didn’t want to.
Well she wanted me to do it so bad she went and said she was going to sleep. Well I got scared and went in there with her and was trying to go to sleep too. Well her brother came in there and pushed me in the middle of them and then he started to feel on me and he said hey sis, go get my scoal from the neighbors, I left it. Well when she left the room I was so scared to death so I just lay there like I was alseep and he tried to roll me over and I made my body refuse so he got on top of me and raped me. I was so scared that I just lay there letting him force himself inside me. I held back the tears with great force. Well his sister was comin in so he got off fast after about five pushes in me.
I was a nerveous wreck the rest of the day. I forgot about it so people wouldn’t worry. I got home and I felt worthless and nasty that I just lay in the bathtub and I saw the razor but I didn’t have the guts to do it. It was about two weeks later and I had terrible nightmares about that day every night that anything would make me break down. It was the night that me and my friend were talking about a dude being gay and my brother thought I was talking about him so he came in and he said well at least I wasn’t the fattest kid in 6th grade when I was goin to school. And I was so upset because I loved my brother to death and I never thought he would say such a thing and all my feelings and my pain started to build up inside of me so I ran and told my mom when she was asleep and she didn’t care so I ran in the bathroom and cut myself with a little eyebrow thinner thing and the pain was gone just like that.
Well from that night on when my dad said stuff that would hurt me or if I had a bad day at school I would lay in the bathtub and cut myself. Every day it would get deeper and deeper. Well it was in the ending of 7th grade and I had scars on my right arm and I would hide my pain and scars from everyone and when teachers would piss me off I would bite big gaping holes in my lip and bleed for hours.
Well it came to the day when my mom found out. She told me it was stupid but she didn’t understand I had an addiction. And she told me what if people would find this out I would loose you Haley. Well I didn’t care I did it more and more and deeper and deeper.
Well it was around december of 8th and my class was walkin to go to lunch and there were my teachers standing at the door and I guess they saw my arm and they called me up there and asked me what happened to my arm and I lied and said my cat got a hold of me and they laughed and said that you need to get rid of that cat and I just laughed back hiding all my pain and feelings that just wanted to pour out.
It was the end of the week and my friend and me were goin to get a note signed by the principal and I had a long sleeve shirt on and she said darling what happened to your arm and I was what the hell, but I just said I was helping my dad with some wood and I fell on the wood and she said is that the truth Haley and I said yes ma’am and she said OK then.
Well about a month went by and by this time I was cutting deeper and carving words on my arm that I was feeling. I had my sweater pulled up because it was spring and it was mighty hot. I was in math class and my teacher saw one of the scars of one of the words on my arm and it said ‘fat’. She asked me why I did it and I shrugged my shoulders and she said if you don’t tell me I am going to get the principal and I just said because and she said your better than that Haley. And I thought to myself if you only knew. Well I told my mom to come check me out that Friday and she did. I was in my math class and the teacher asked me was my mom checking me out and I said I guess. I was confused that she would ask me that. I got in the hallway and my mom and the principal were standing by her office and I was thinkin ‘O hell’. Well the principal made me and my mom come in the office. The principal told me to hold up my sweatshirt so I did. She said show me your arm and I did and she said show me your other arm and I did. She asked me what I did it with and I told her a, knife, a razor, and safety pin, and anything else sharp. She told me that she loved me and that when she sees stuff like that she is supposed to report it, but she said she was gonna talk to me and mom first.
Well she said well Haley you lied to me, and some other teachers by telling them that your cat did it and that you fell. Well we got out of the office and I ran to the car and I cried and I hated myself and I hated them so bad.
Well that night I layed in the tub and I cut so bad that the water was red and it had blood clots everywhere in the bathtub and I thought I was literally going to take my life until my mom walked in the bathroom because I forgot to lock it. She just stood there. She said Haley your going to kill yourself if you don’t quit right now or I am gonna send you off. She even threatened to tell my dad and he was half of the reason why I cut.
Well I quit and it has been six months and I am in my second semester in highschool as a freshman and till this day I still have the urges and I take them sometimes. And I hate the teachers so bad because they took away my best friend, my comfort, my escape route, my razor. But I am away from them now and my mom doesn’t expect me to do it so I think I am gonna find my razor before my feeling and my emotions build up again and before I take my life for good.
If you want to talk to me and when I need someone to talk to I hope you will email me.