Psyke.org

Max

Love, and Blood in a Bathtub

Copyright, Max

I am in a long distance relationship. I’ve been in this relationship for a year and a half. And I don’t think I could be anymore happy than I am. But to every relationship there is a dark side — or light side because I love the dark. Light isn’t something that amuses me all the time. But either way you distribute the words it still means the same thing doesn’t it? Well anyway. He was here I think it was December a little before Christmas about four days before Christmas. Anyway. Me and my boyfriend had gotten into a fight over a video game. Something worth being in a fight over, huh? We always got into fights over stupid shit like that and it always went from a video game to personal shit because we always brought up how bad the other person could be and we expelled each others flaws. Every time he did this I felt like the worst girlfriend in the world. Apparently he said something that really hurt my feelings. Which I forgot what he said because it was a long time ago since that happened. And something so good happened at the end of this story that it’s a little hard to remember the bad things that went on. So yes this story actually has a happy ending. I went into the bathroom and took a bath. I had cut a shaving razor so I could cut myself. I’ve been doing it for two years. Anyway my girlfriend was there at the time and she had realized what had happened. She talked to my boyfriend and told him that everyone makes mistakes and she calmed him down. I was in the bathtub just crying. I started to shave my legs and the moment I got one leg done I took the other razor that I cut and slowly started to cut my leg. The water stung but I didn’t care. I was in so much mental pain the sting actually made me feel better. I didn’t do it too bad. A little bit of blood dropped into the water. And as I was still doing it the bathroom door opened. It was my boyfreind. He didn’t look mad or anything. In fact he looked almost as depressed as I felt. He sat next to the bath tub and said he was so sorry. It was hard for me to talk. It always is every time we get into a fight. I finished shaving my legs and he continued to talk to me. He started to wash my hair. After he was done rinsing my hair he lifted up my head and kissed me. He bent down farther into the water to reach me and then he just got into the bathtub with me. Clothes and all. “You’ll be the death of me” I said to him. He just laid his head on me and said “That’s how much I love you.” He pulled out his lighter from his pocket. He had ruined it. I love this man. He understands why I do it. He burns himself. He loves me for who I am. He doesn’t want me to hold anything back. And even though we’ve only been together for a year I have never ever felt this way with anyone else. Thank you Psyke.org for listening to me. And to all the cutters out there: Don’t be ashamed. It’s just another way of expressing yourself. You shouldn’t have to hide it all. I don’t want to hide anything, but being around the people I am around I have to as well, and it kills me every day knowing they will never understand. But there will be a day when I will quit cutting, but I will always be there for those who continue to do it. You are not alone. I promise.

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Copyright, Max

I was always afraid to self-mutilate because I was afraid of pain. But it all ended when my boyfriend hurt me beyond belief because I meant nothing to him all along and that I was a worhliss peice of shit. I just grabbed a knife and I went crazy. I didn’t bleed though. But I almost got turned in for it because someone found out because it left marks. But it didn’t bleed.

So I had stopped for a little while but the first time I ever bled was on St. Patricks day. I remember it like yesterday. I just ran a razor blade down my stomach. It was so beatiful. The reason why I cut is because it calms me down when I’m too depressed or tense and it kind of saves me from killing myself.

My friends try to get me off self mutilation and I promised a few I’d stop but I just don’t want to because when I run my fingers up and down my marks it makes me feel better about everything. It’s kinda odd but it doesn’t matter. Cutting sometimes helps me, sometimes it hurts me. Emotionally it’s kinda like a two faced friend…

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Copyright, Max

This is the first time I have went insane I mean completely insane it scared the hell out of me. I was going out with this boy at the time. He was a sick motherfucker. It was about past midnight and we were on the phone it was a school night as well. I was really depressed at that time because of him. He made me feel like I was nothing but a fucking whore and a goody good because I didn’t want to give him my virginity and do all this sexual shit with him. Every single time he told me he loved me I hated myself more and more. I still hate myself. But he was telling me stories that made me just want to fucking kill myself. He had a fucking threesome with his ex and her mom when he was 14 and when him and his ex were together. He was getting so fucking turned on by it and he said “babe is it OK if I jack off?”. I was too depressed and I didn’t give a fuck about anything at that moment and I said “sure what the fuck ever do whatever you want.” So I was just sitting there talking to him. And he kept on whispering “oh babe I want to fuck you I want to lick you I can’t wait till I see you again baby… yesssssss.” A couple tears went down my cheek and I grabbed my razor blade. “Oh” I said I went into the bathroom. He was like “I wish you could feel it.” The blade was in my hand. My mom was at work. I walked into the bathroom in my house and I sat down and I lay my head on the door. I closed my eyes. Then I opened the door and went on the day bed that I had to sleep on because my room was being painted. I sat on there and he said “babe? Could you masturbate for me I’m about to go.” I opened my eyes and I ran the blade acrossed my stomach a few times. No blood. I did it again. And I said “I’m fine It’s ok.” and then I looked at my stomach and there was blood trickling down. Then I did a little slit on my lower arm. I ran to the bathroom and I started to laugh like an insane little kid. “What are you doing anyway?” he said starting to breathe heavy. I said in the cutest insane voice I could “just sitting on my bed.” I was really in front of the bathroom mirror taking my fingers on my stomach and licking the blood off. I started laughing even harder. Then I fell on my floor in the computer room where I was sleeping in. I started sucking the blood from my arm. There was this girl named Shea, me and her had been friends for 8 years. And that friendship was gone over some stupid guy. I started to scream out of nowhere “Shea slit your wrists! Shea slit your fucking wrists!” My boyfriend was having an orgasm and was saying “oh baby it feels so good” and I said in the most evil voice “I’m fucking sure it does!” I kept bleeding and I kept laughing insanely. As soon as he was done he said “I shouldn’t have done that.” I told him all the times I tried to kill myself and I made him cry. After we hung up I had stopped bleeding. I started to cry because of my hatred for everything and I was so depressed. I cried myself to sleep.

If you want to e-mail me, you can. I really need someone to talk to.

 

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