Ever since I can remember I’ve been bullied. Every day I wake up and know I have to go through it all again. I’m not like everyone else. I don’t dress the same as them or lead the same life. I didn’t ask to be bullied, and no one has the right to bully me. But becuase they have, I’ve turned to this. I get in from school and just throw my bag down and cut myself. I don’t want to, and I hate it after I’ve done it.
But I can’t stop. It just makes me feel better. I told my mum I got bullied a lot… She said she would sort it out… She told my school and left it there. Like the school cares at all! No one does. My friends know I used to cut because in PE lesson they saw my arm and were shocked, but they also left it there. No one really knows what I go through. The names I’m called and the harassment I receive. I can’t go tell my mum that I’m still getting bullied because she won’t do anything, and if I told her I would hurt myself she would only say “don’t be silly.” But If I showed her that I had already cut myself up, carved my skin and gashed myself up, she may realise something. But I fear she won’t. It’s all about being silly, not feeling things.
I hate going to school. Every day I hate walking past people knowing I will be name called and it hurts, even though I shouldn’t listen to them. At one point it went too far, I took a knife to school with me every day. One day a girl started calling me so I reached in my bag and got the knife in my hand. I got a really good grip of it and slowly pulled it out. There was so much going through my head, what was I going to do. I couldn’t stab her or cut her, it would lead to more trouble and I didn’t need it. So I put the knife away and left it there.
I got a mentor at school. She helps me with things, like bullying. But she won’t know about my self harm. I gained a mentor when I had a slight breakdown in my PE lesson. I love PE, but my tutor came out and was shouting at me for not wanting to go on a trip, so I walked off the field and said I wasn’t going. My tutor kept telling me I had to go and I came out with this: “Why do I have to go? It’s not like anyone cares! I’m just a sad little gothic girl that no one likes, so leave me alone. I don’t care about anything anymore I might as well be dead.” And I ran inside to get changed. My tutor got me a mentor and she’s helping me. She talks to me about bullying and how it’s not my fault. How I shouldn’t be affected by it. But it hurts, and I don’t know why. But this is how I deal with it. By cutting myself to let out what’s inside me.
If you want to talk to me you can e-mail me or add me to MSN: DefectedDolliesDrown@hotmail.com