My name is brandy and I am fourteen and I have been cutting since the end of last school year. But see I smoke weed cigarettes and drink too. I started smoking and drinking when I was ten. I started because I was stressed and I thought that smoking and drinking would relieve that stress, and it did. I was stressed because I was dealing with my mom and her now separated husband. He had been beating her and making her smoke pot. When I was eleven and a half they had me go live with my dad for eight months and I ended up hating my mom and living with my dad for two years. When I was thirteen I went and lived with my mom and her boyfriend because my dad and step mom were sick of me and kicked me out, so I started living with her in January of 2004. Then in march of 2004 my mom thought I was doing drugs and weed and stuff like that and I told her no but she didn’t listen, so I told both my parents that I was going to make the rules since they didn’t agree on anything. So I chose to go to my dad’s from Thursday after school till Monday morning and my mom’s from Monday after school till Thursday before school. It went good till about the middle of May. My mom started to search my room for drugs so I went to my dads for one weekend and that weekend I screwed my best guy friend who I’ve known since I was two years old. That weekend my dad was in jail and my step mom cheated on him with my best friend’s dad. The next weekend my dad got out of jail Thursday right before I got out of school. I went to his house like normal. Well, when I got there I told my dad I was going on a field trip to a college and asked him If I could wear my step mom’s shoes because she wasn’t there and he said ask her so I did and she said I could. I went on the field trip and when I got back to my dad’s my friend Lexy (her dad is the dad my step mom was cheating on my dad with) was there and we wanted to go party because normally we went to parties on the weekend. Well, instead of going to a party we stayed home and got drunk and high with my dad (he wasn’t getting high but he was getting drunk and he let us use his pipe and weed to get high). We had peppermint schnapps, Mike’s hard cranberry lemonade, and 100 proof real vodka. I was drunk off my ass. I went back to my mom’s on Monday after school like normal, when I got there she had been going through my bathroom looking for my pain killers (I had them from when I got really sick mostly from stress). Then I went to my friend Ryan’s to say hi and got home and she was going through my backpack. She accused me of smoking weed with Ryan (my friend that I went to see). So I ran out of my house and stayed the night with Ryan. When I came back home after school on Tuesday my mom apologised. We were OK until the second to last day of school in June. That night we got in a fight and I went into my room and didn’t come out. Well I ended up falling asleep at 10 p.m. I heard something in the middle of the night and I thought it was my little brother crying but it was my mom. She and her boyfriend got into a fight. At about 2 a.m. my mom left us and took off on her motorcycle. I called and had my step dad come pick up my little brother and on Tuesday the last day of school I went to my dad’s after school. Well that weekend my dad got drunk and roundhouse kicked me twice. He also punched me and pushed me on the ground. A week went by after that and then he tried to strangle my step mom because she was still cheating on him. My dad went to jail and me, my step mom, my father, my little brother (not my mom’s child), and Lexy went to Lexy’s dad’s. Lexy and I had some good times before my dad went to jail we got in a car crash where we wrapped around a power pole. There was one other car. There were three people in that car, and there were five people in the car that I was in including me. There was me, Lexy, the driver, his girlfriend, and my seventeen year old cousin. Near the end of the summer I went to stay with my great grandma in Oregon (she is eighty-five), I was going to school there in Oregon till she couldn’t handle my attitude so she kicked me out and went to stay with my mom and her new boyfriend. I have known her new boyfriend for two and a half years, she has known him for about eight months. I am best friends with his daughter, heck, we basically call each other sisters. Everything went well for the first month. I had been living with them since October 22nd 2004. We immediately got me enrolled in school. So I go to the same school I went to last year (Sequoia Middle School, it was called Sequoia Junior High but they are now calling it a middle school). Like I said everything was going well for the first month then my mom and I started to fight again and I started to kill myself; smoke, drink, etc. Then I met the perfect guy and went and introduced him to my little sister (moms boyfriend’s daughter). Well she fell in love with him he dumped me and said he didn’t want to hurt either of us anymore. He liked her. Then last weekend the weekend of the 14th of January me, my ex and my friend Chelsie went to see White Noise in theatres. While watching the movie Kenny sat in the middle of us, and he was rubbing my legs and stuff. We took him home and then we went home. I went home the next day and called my little sister and my ex. He told me that he and my little sister had dated the week of 11-14 of January. He dumped her, he couldn’t handle a long distance relationship and she lives in Oregon. I wasn’t mad they dated I was mad that they were keeping it secret. After that I started to cut and smoke more. My parents don’t know about my cutting or my smoking so please don’t tell them. If you would like to talk more you can IM or e-mail me at firstname.lastname@example.org.
I remember the day I started cutting clear as day. It was one day at school when my friend told me she and her mom were in a heated argument and she showed me she cut herself. So I then thought that is so stupid. But then a couple of day’s past I finally had the courage to tell the boy I was longing so much for that I was in love with him. He looked at me with a blank stare and just walked away. That was it. My heart was broken. I cried and cried throughout the day. I got home and went straight to bed. I woke up around 7:30 and I looked at my mom’s knife case in the kitchen. I looked at it and I was looking for any type of release to ease my pain of my lover. I was thirteen and cut myself. I cut myself at least twice. Then from that day on I cut once a day for two weeks until my pain has been eased. My mom soon found out and told me that if I cut myself again she would do it for me. So I immediately stopped.
It wasn’t until a good year later that I started to cut up again. I had started high school and I was failing and things just seemed to be getting worse. Then on one day I decided does this cutting still ease my pain? I grabbed the knife and started to cut. One, two, three, the cutting was endless till I got to a mere seven cuts. My body had grown and I had built up a tolerance to semi-deep cutting. Over the next couple of days I cut often when my mom wasn’t home. Then one day I felt so depressed I thought I was going to die. So I got the biggest knife I could and I just let loose. I went to the bathroom and I cut myself thirty-two times all with blood oozing out and my arm in dull pain that I couldn’t feel. To fight the infection that I could possibly get since I hadn’t had a tetanus shot in a couple of years I took more Advil than I should’ve and then I poured peroxide on it to keep infection out. My arm started to fizz up with a white substance and mixed with blood it turned pink. I lay there just crying because I couldn’t stop.
But I am fifteen now and I have stopped maybe for the better. but I still get the urge to cut myself. I did yesterday and the day before. But I hold back and just cry. I go to my room and cry myself to sleep and forget about wanting to cut. But the image of myself cutting is imprinted in my mind and never ever will go away.