I’m 14, and I’ve got to wait another shitty 5 months till I’m 15. I’ve only recently started cutting myself, I’ve only recently had the gutts to try I should say. The first time I was really, really nervous but knew I had to see if it helped. It did, thank god, it did. It’s the only release I’ve ever had, it’s my best friend and my worst enemy. I’ve only been cutting a few months but I can’t imagine what I would do without it now, it’s addictive. I don’t think I’ll ever be able to stop.
There’s only one person who knows, my best friend. She’s avoided the subject at all costs. I don’t even know if she fully believes me. I don’t know if she cares, well she probably does but… I dunno… Maybe it’s too much for her to handle. I didn’t want to tell her, I knew it would end up being a burden for her to carry around and not know what to do. I wish I hadn’t bothered.
I can act, very well it seems. I can walk around the whole day as if I didn’t have a care in the world, as if nothing could ever bother me, but I’m really tearing myself apart inside, wanting to just find a quiet corner and put a sharp cold blade to my arm. As soon as I get home I shut myself in my room and do just that. I’ll usually sit listening to my music, concentrating on all the words while slowly, carefully and deliberatly scraping away my skin. Taking time to watch as it turns red. Waiting for the pain to ease so I can make it worse with the next stroke. And then slowly the tears slide down my face as the blood seeps out. And every time I ask myself why. And every time the answer is I don’t care anymore.
I read somewhere that part of the cause could be that there has never been anyone to show how to cope with bad feelings. I think this is part of the reason. When I was 9 my mum and dad got divorced and my mum was depressed and I had to look after her. She would never share her feelings and would never let me see if she was hurting although I knew she was. I was told that if I had a problem to tell someone and I did up until then because I thought it was best to keep it to myself than to make my mum feel worse. Then my mum found someone and I felt so alone. She had 2 kids and I wasn’t forgotten, just pushed to one side, not intentionally but it happened none the less.
I could never ever open up to someone, even writing this email is one of the most difficult thing I’ve ever done. I have my doubts about even sending it. I’ve probably just fucked something else up. Oh well… here goes… can you help me? I don’t want to stop cutting I just wanted to tell someone.
Death is my only way to freedom
Death is my only way to peace
Death is my only way to calm
Death is my only sanctuary
Death…but I dont want to die