15 Year Old


Copyright, 15 Year Old

I know that I’m not perfect and I know that I never can be. I don’t want anything from whoever is reading this as I know that that is impossible but I would like to be heard. No one listens to me in this house they are too wound up in what is happening in their lives I don’t blame them really I’m nothing special. I’m lost in a world that doesn’t want to accept me and that I am scared of. I am only 15 and already I have seen a lot more than most and things that I have nightmares about and still cry over, it haunts me and I don’t know how to stop hurting anymore. Everyone I trust seems to throw it back in my face so I decided I cant trust anyone I won’t so therefore I cannot love, that is the best way to be for me as I can’t bear to be hurt again it’s too hard for me. Everyday for 4 years I have had to watch my mother getting thinner and lose her mind and sanity. I have had to come home to find that she has taken another overdose and is back in hospital, then when I go see her I have to see her not even be able to talk to me or just to be rolling around the floor trying to get up. Then when I can’t hug her instead of saying sorry for putting you through this she says “thanks for all your support” how am I supposed to react say oh well done mum there’s another one to add to my memories or well done mum you didn’t succeed this time but maybe next time, yeah? What else can I do. I have noone that I can talk to any more, I used to be able to talk to my dad about everything he used to be not only my dad but my mum and my best friend, I could talk to him about everything, then he had a heart attack, then after a while I suppose he just got fed up with me as he stopped caring and now I can’t talk to him as he pushes me away and watches the tv, I have the most amazing group of friends but not many of them know about my self harming and the ones that do know don’t understand why I do it. Then there is the normal stress of school I’m in year 10 and have course work and everything like that and I don’t understand any of it and then there’s the people that just will refuse to see anything but what they see in the limits of their eyes and think that if they hurl abuse at me then they will feel better but they have no idea what is goin on inside my head and they never will as they are too stubborn.

I don’t know what to do anymore is there any point of me being here no one would notice if I just disappeared tomorrow, I just want to be able to be loved again and I want a family but that can’t happen I suppose I miss my mum and my dad I just want them to hold me!


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