Seeing Red

Copyright Zakk

My name is Zakk Miller. I am sixteen, and have been cutting for around four years on and off. Sometimes I can go months without even thinking about it but recently it has been getting much worse. I only ever cut in places that people won’t see, I hate the idea of people seeing my weakness. Also this is my pain, so I can rationalise what is going on in my skull. I can’t let people see it. To be honest there are so many reasons why I cut myself, it helps on many different levels.

The first time I cut myself, I think was in a food technology lesson. I had been getting bullied for a few years because I am a goth? and people just don’t accept that where I live (Manchester?) Well that day had been particularly bad, and as I was sat there in my lesson, cutting up ingredients with a kitchen knife, some guy came up to me and pushed me. The knife cut into my arm quite deeply, and the blood dripped onto the floor. I ran out of the room and to the toilets still carrying the knife. When I got there the bleeding had mostly stopped, so I just washed the wound. It was then I realised I felt calm, and real, and a million feelings that I had become numb to over the past few years. Everything was real. It seems strange to say that I actually felt happy. The pain in my arm had somehow cancelled out the pain in my mind. I didn’t cut again that day, but ever since when I feel angry or sad or suicidal, I have something to turn to. I have tried other things such as booze, weed and harder drugs. But they hurt people around me too. So I always return to cutting. Sometimes it’s the only thing I have.

Unlike many people, I don’t really want to stop because it is the only thing that keeps my life real. But I am really trying to minimise the damage I do, because once I start I have to make myself stop. Does anybody have any suggestions?


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