Emma L

I Wish

Copyright Emma L

I’ve been reading story after story and thought to myself what strong, brave and despite themselves very honest people. I would love to tell you a heart-wrenching story about my struggle through life and my battle with self-abuse. But then I would be lying. Lying, a thing I’ve become very good at. That’s how I’ve kept my self-harm secret for three years.

I don’t really remember who or why I started but I did and I continued. I don’t want to go through ever fine detail because it’s somewhat boring, anyway my life only started dramatically changing two years ago.

My mum fell ill and had a secret abortion. Secret in the terms that I wasn’t allowed to tell anyone. I had to keep my grief locked up, I had to lie to my friends and my family. That took a horrible toll on me.

A few months after my best friend tried to commit suicide and needed me to look after him… that was yet another secret I needed to protect. As was one of my closest friends telling me she was raped when she was seven.

So many people confide in me and I have to store a lot of secrets and lies. I can never express myself verbally so I cut. I take all the anger and frustration out on myself. When I need to clear my mind, when I can’t study or sleep or live. I reach for the razorblade and (I guess you could say) punish myself.

That was my secret…

I’m now fifteen. I see a counsellor but I don’t feel I can look after myself yet. I wish, hope and pray that one day I can stop hurting myself and help in some way those people who use this method of coping. Thank you for reading my story if you want to contact me my address is


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