My Depression

Copyright Eris

I used to read about cutting in magazines and think gosh, what sort of people would inflict pain upon themselves to feel better? I couldnt stand pain. But when my brother shop-lifted and my parents kept saying ‘oh, don’t turn out like him’. I felt so much pressure to be perfect. I couldn’t cope so I cut myself, well not really cut but scratched myself wif my finger nails.

The next day I felt better like I had got rid of something weighing down my shoulders. I did it again that night with a broken hair clip and I made myself bleed. I liked the cut I like the feeling I got from cutting so I kept doing it. Although I didn’t do it for attention sometimes I would show people so they knew the pain I was going through and one of those peoeople told my homegroup teacher. She rang my parents and said all this crap and they yelled at me, made me show them my scarred and cut up arms. They too thought it was attention seeking and couldn’t understand the reasons I did it. My mum made me go and see the school councellor. I saw her that day and the day after and she really helped me. She made me feel so much better, I felt really happy! I stopped cutting for a few weeks because I had promised people I would never do it again. But I soon found out it was so addictive. It’s as if I cant live without cutting and turning the emotional pain I live with into physical pain. I saw the counsellor again and she said she thought I might have depression. So she e-mailed my parents and told them I needed to see a GP. They were shocked and kept asking me questions. I hated it. I just wanted to scream at them that I didn’t know any answers and that I hated everything and everyone around me. Two weeks later, still cutting, I went to see the GP and she referred me to a psychiatrist and gave me a free sample of Zoloft. I had to wait a week to get into the psychiatrist. She too said I was depressed and put me on 11 mg Zoloft tablets. It has been four or five weeks and I have had no improvement. My really bad days are worse and I try to kill myself all the time. I cut really deep with the sharpest objects I can get my hands on. I see visons of myself killing myself and I get really shaky. So far there has been no improvement and if I could give advice to anyone thinking that cutting may be the answer it is not. it is addictive. I can no longer wear sleeveless tops in fear someone might see my cuts. I can’t stop and I think I’m going crazy.


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