I Want to Make a Change in Me

Copyright, Gaby

My name is Gaby and I am thirteen years old. I have been cutting for a year now and I started when I was twelve. At first I used dull safety pins but they didn’t work much so I moved up to a steak knife or a razor blade. In December of 2004 I was home alone and I was very despressed. I went to the kitchen and grabbed my dad’s filet knife, sharpened it and cut open two veins going down my arm. My sister came home early and found me half dead and bleeding to death on my bedroom floor. I was rushed to the ER and I went through three surgeries to keep me alive. I had to have blood donated to me from family members and they had took take out many veins and replace them with other veins from other parts of my body. Sometimes I look at the scars and think back to that night, I was scared, alone dying and I thought it was the end. I am so proud to say I have been cut free for three weeks now. But sometimes I still find the nerve to pick up the blade and jam it through my skin. If I fall here I only have a razor, but at a hospital I have kitchen knifes and needles and medicines to pop. I was also plagued with bulimia and it grew to anorexia. I started eating again after I was force-fed and realized it just wasn’t worth it. I have gone through a lot in my life. The summer of 2004 I was raped and I was thought to be pregnant but I wasn’t. At this time in my life I am still so young but not so innocent and pure, I have harmed myself and I think if these bad tragedies came so early in life what happens on the road ahead? I love this site, it helps me cope with myself and vent to others who are understanding and know what I feel. Thank you and I would love for people who read this to add me to their buddy list on AIM, my SN is BiLLyJoESgf, I will keep posting poems and stories and I give out my deepest love and support. Even though you might think I have lost it all, I still have the strength to never fall.


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