Never Ending Downward Spiral

Copyright Greta

I’ve been SI’ing since I was seven years old. It started out with scratching till I bled, and then, my dad gave me his old boy scout pocket knife. I would look at it and be proud he gave it to me, since I am a girl. One day I cleaned it off and just started sawing away at my leg. It seemed like a natural impulse: Something that I couldn’t control. It went on, from dull, old pocket knives to scissors and eventually an X-ACTO knife. Later I discovered the use of duct tape to make the cut larger with less work. Everything goes downward. The cuts get deeper and the blood level rises.

My parents found out from a teacher who was upset with myself piercing my arm with a safety pin in class. They sent me to a psychiatrist, a therapist, but nothing works because I have an obsession with blood. They don’t understand that. I love the fact that the essence of life is running from your veins; I love the way it tastes, smells, looks, feels; it’s all so beautiful. I try stopping, but sometimes my MPD/DID (Multiple Personality Disorder) makes it to where I can’t control it. It makes my girlfriend upset, and I’m sorry that I couldn’t be good enough.

“If better is possible, good is not enough”


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