Copyright, Gwen

I was doing research on SI because I wanted to understand it better. I started SI when I was 14 it was just a tiny little scratch over my tiny little vein on my left wrist. I knew what cutters were and I wasn’t one of them. Cutters were people who used blades to hurt themselves. Well time went on and my scratches got bigger, but no I wasn’t a cutter because I had a process, I was sure I was different. Slowly I felt like I was losing control and finally broke down last May and told my mom that I was scared and I needed help. She was horrified she didn’t know what to do, she looked at me strangely, a look I can’t describe. I guess she didn’t see it as something that I would do because I’m “a smart girl”. I started therapy for depression and tried not to scratch myself because it upset my mother and my friends and it was hard but I was able to do it. It’s December and Monday I felt everything come apart and I scratched into my wrist, after a four week battle I lost. I had an emotional break down at school on Wednesday and again today (Friday). I have trouble with SI because it’s something very difficult for people who don’t do it to understand. I’m 16 and I’m lost. I fought long and hard to stop and I basically hit the wall Monday. This is so hard. Anyway tonight I was doing research on SI and I found that I have two SI habits one of which I never thought of as SI and if taken into account means I have been doing SI for much longer than I thought. I don’t know what I wanted to so say but I guess I just wanted to share that I found out a little more about myself tonight. In addition to scratching my wrist when times get hard I (on a daily basis) pull the skin off my lips when I get nervous or anxious. I don’t know if I will be able to stop and this worries me because it’s much harder than I thought it would be, I can’t stop just because people tell me it’s bad. I don’t know of a better way to cope with things and I’m terrified that I’m going to end up in the mental ward of a hospital. I’m 16 and I’m scared because I’m fighting a battle with an addiction (SI) and with depression.


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