Stitch Up My Dismembered Heart

Copyright, Heartshaped

This is the first time I’ve attempted to actually explain my self harm. My reasons. Well, only a couple of them. Why and how I do it. I have been self harming since the age of about thirteen or fourteen. I am now seventeen and have promised three people I care about that I will not do it anymore. They don’t understand that it is not that easy to stop. Emotional blackmail doesn’t work, although recently I have done it less because I know deep down that I have to stop completely.

I was sexually abused at the age of seven by my granddad and harassed by my uncle. All though school I was bullied and I struggled with school and finally left at fourteen. Then again a nineteen year old sexually abused me when I was fourteen. And again at fourteen I also found out my dad was my step dad and my real dad turned out to be… well, an ass basically. I have a family that sees me as the huge mistake and my step dad and I have basically not got along at all for years now, our relationship is a total disaster and he makes me feel a thousand times worse because he is most of the problem. We used to be violent with each other. He finds ways to tear me apart emotionally and I am very sensitive and easily hurt. On top of this I suffer from severe paranoia and have major self esteem issues, social anxiety, irregular sleeping patterns (verging on insomnia) and because of this I dream while I’m awake which are like hallucinations and conversations in my mind. It makes me feel crazy. Like many teenagers I have the normal teenage issues, but because of my problems, they seem worse to me. These are some of the reasons. I cut my ankles, wrists, arms, stomach and thighs. I burn my arms, bruise myself and scratch my hands till the skin goes raw. I make myself throw up and punch walls.

I believe I can stop, but never ever ask a self harmer to stop cold turkey. I will stop. I have anti-depressants and a counselor and psychiatrist on their way. So if you are a self harmer, please try to get help. I am very skeptical about this myself, but all you can do is try.


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