Copyright, V

I haven’t had the worse life, not by a long shot. There are just a lot of things about my past that I can’t stand to think about. I have hurt myself for years and didn’t even realize what I had been doing it until my friend told me about her problem with cutting. I still didn’t think I had a problem, because I kept thinking “I only hit myself, I don’t cut”. Well, a short while ago, the hitting just wasn’t enough and I started to cut. Now I don’t just cut to stop the memories from becoming to much, I use it for present problems as well.

I told only my best friends about this (one that cuts, one that stopped and two that have never cut). One of them talked me into trying to just stop, I even threw away what I used to cut. I got by 5 days, during which I did things like beat my leg with a book, slam my fists into things and beat my body repeatingly against a wall. After realizing I was back to my old tricks, I went back to cutting. It wasn’t worth it.

At first I wanted help, but it wasn’t an option because I didn’t want my family to find out. But now I don’t want to stop cutting (even though I have seen one of my best friends admitted to a hospital and visited her). I just can’t think of a reason that I should other than how it would affect my friends and family. I know it sounds selfish but it truly takes away all the horrible things I feel and makes me feel normal again. Sometimes, I even get a high off of it. I can’t see a stopping point in my future for my problem. I understand that it is a problem but sometimes it seems just the opposite.

I don’t know what kind of reply I’m searching for, but I would still appreciate one.


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