Copyright, Vanessa

My name is Vanessa I am 17 and have been cutting since I was 12. For about 5 years I was sexually abused by my best friend. I felt so much emotional pain and I couldn’t handle it so I took it to physcial pain. I’ve cut all over my wrists, arms, legs, stomach and chest. Sending me to the hospital 5 times within the last couple of years. I’ve tried to kill myself 3 times. A lot of people say that I cut for attention but those who don’t cut don’t understand that if I wanted attention I would get it some other way. It releases my pain. A relief, it keeps me sane. It’s my only coping skill! I am addicted. I cut almost every day, anytime I am mad, sad or frustrated. It is like a priorty in my life. It is my life! People always say “just stop” like it’s something simple. But they dare not know the gap it fills for the emptiness I feel in my life. I wish I could stop. If I could take back anything in my life it would be ever starting cutting. But I can’t! I have been diagnosed with bipolar, posttraumatic stress disorder, borderline personality disorder, manic depressive and paranoia. With all the titles I feel so crazy. Always doped up on meds. But yet they don’t work. Wellbutrin, lithium, seraqul. I don’t need meds. The only thing that works is a razor to slice and numb my pain. Dripping blood. Pouring out my hurts. People call me psycho and wonder why I am the way I am. Will I ever change, will I ever stop? Doubt it. I guess I’ll be doing it until I die. I want everyone to know that I understand what they are going through, and they are not alone. If anyone wants to talk my e-mail is, my Yahoo IM is ghetto_nessa23 and my AOL IM is VDanielle23. Feel free to add me to your list or to e-mail me.


Copyright, Vanessa

I am 17 years old. I have been battling an eating disorder and have been cutting for four years. I never consider any of it to be out of control. Not until now. If I was asked to give up my eating disorder or the cutting, I would have to give up the eating disorder. I cut about every day. Not just at home, but at school or anywhere I feel the need. I am one of those popular, outstanding students and no one has any idea (except those I have talked to). People would never believe that the MVP soccer and volleyball player could ever do something so crazy. Yes, crazy is the word I use to describe what I do. The fact is I have gotten to the point that I have to not do things, because I can’t/don’t wish to show my scars. I am a performer in theater and sing and go to competitions, if people found out what I did I would rather kill myself. I have to be perfect and if people found out that I wasn’t and I did something to hurt myself, my whole self image would be crushed. What do I do? I sit back and see what I do is not healthy, but I am only willing to admit that in times when I am venerable. Sometime I want to stop so bad, but that would mean that the one thing I do to relieve my stress and make myself feel better would be taken away. I don’t remember what life is like without cutting or having an eating disorder. My family found out my freshmen year when someone saw cuts on my arm and thought I was trying to kill myself. They then found out about the eating disorder, but you see, stuff like this runs in our family, and if people knew about it — it would blow our whole family image. I come from a very well known and wealthy, and if people knew what I did, well it would make my family look bad. I guess the only real reason why I am writing this letter is because I am hoping to find someone who understands and maybe can help me. Yes, I said the word help. Even though it is very hard to admit. (I am sending this now before I regret asking for help!)


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