Hitting Fits

Copyright, FL

I think I may need some help. I am 22 years old I am about to graduate with my bachelor’s degree and sadly; I have been hitting myself for over 10 years. I first started hitting soon after my mother stopped physically abusing me, well she mostly stopped. When I am frustrated, or I can’t cry hard enough, I usually go into the bathroom, where my pencils and pens are, and I have to hurt myself. I will use the eraser side (blunt side) of the pen or pencil and I will uncontrollably hit myself, a good 20-30 times, on my upper thigh. The result is a couple dozen circular bruises, and a couple of times some broken blood vessels. I have also banged my head onto desks or counter tops, (but not so much now, because these bruises are harder to hide); I also bite my fingernails extremely low and tear the skin around the tips of my fingers (bleeding almost always occurs). I have pencils hidden throughout my apartment, and my boyfriend is now aware of my behavior. I want to stop, it does not hurt, but I hate feeling like I must hurt myself. I am ashamed but looking at my purple bruises calms me down. Please what should I do? My boyfriend says to simply stop, I wish it were that easy.


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