Forsaken Angel

Alone in the Dark

Copyright Forsaken Angel

My name is Vikki, I’m sixteen and I have been self harming on and off since I was eleven. Here is my story.

Ever since I was little I have been surrounded by death, people leaving my life without even a goodbye, my first experience of death was when I was four and my best friend at the time died of cancer. Even at four years old I had watched him suffer and understood what it was like to suffer. Later on I had gone through having to deal with the death of all four of my grandparents one by one and my beloved uncle all before the age of nine. At the age of nine I lost all of my hair to a condition called allapicia ariater (I can’t remember how to spell it) and the reasons for which have never been clear, it was put down to stress. When this happened my self confidence went down the drain, the kids at school were cruel and would run away from me saying they were scared they would catch a disease, or take the hat I was wearing to hide my baldness. I would spend my break times hiding under a coat in the playground not speaking to anyone. By the time I went up to secondary school I was eleven and my hair had grown back but was still very short so the name calling didn’t stop, but I had made some friends and concentrated on working. Apart from starting secondary school something new had happened at home. My abuse from my cousin. He had managed to trap me, he knew I couldn’t tell, he was my brother’s best friend as well as his cousin and my mum adored him. I was trapped. Finally at the age of thirteen the big bang, the death of my mum, a stroke followed by a brain hemorrhage, completely unexpected and sudden, all of a sudden my mother, my rock and my best friend in the whole world taken away from me. I was crushed, I was one of the people along with my dad who had to decide to turn off the life support machine. I said yes as I knew it was what she would have wanted. I have never been the same since. I am the only girl in my family so I find it difficult. That’s when I started cutting. After my mum died, I was a wreck I didn’t talk, didn’t eat, didn’t sleep, and I was still dealing with abuse from my cousin, cutting was the only solution. Anyway when I was about fourteen I was raped by my cousin who had been abusing me since I was eleven, and later on after confiding in a teacher my confidence was broken and everything went wrong. My best friend was going out with my cousin at the time, and she didn’t believe the truth when it came out and hated me, my family didn’t believe me and my older brother hated me, my dad was best friends with my cousins dad (my uncle) and although he tried to act supportive (which was good of him and I respect him for it) I knew he didn’t believe me. So to save the family splitting up I dropped my statement and told the police I was drunk the night it happened and must have just imagined it, so now my cousin is still roaming around. Shortly after all of this I met my first love and for a while I could forget all the shit that had happened, but it didn’t last and after a year of going out it was broken off because he cheated on me. I got more and mored depressed, took more and more medication to help me sleep, cut more and more. Then one day I took an overdose of sleeping tablets. I was not planning to die, just go unconscious for a while so I didn’t have to feel the pain. I was sent to hospital and now see a psychologist once a week, who says I suffer from post traumatic stress disorder. I barely ever cut anymore but I still pine to, whenever things get too much, the feeling of release that makes it all better for a little while.

Anyway, sorry I know I wrote a lot, it’s the first time I’ve written everything down and told anyone the full story (apart from my psychologist). If you have any comments or just want to chat (I can be good to talk to, believe it or not) then I would be more than happy to chat. Contact me at Good luck to everyone with their ongoing struggle.


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