My Story

Copyright, Red-Xian

To whom it may concern…

I guess it all started to go wrong around 1996, when I was finishing Uni here in the UK, (for the record I am a 32 year old male). I was ab-so-lutely devoted to a girl I had met the previous year, to the point where I had decided that she was The One, the girl I would spend the rest of my life with. Of course, that’s not how it happened; she got all stressed because of her job, and she started doing two things; she started on antipressants, and she started hitting me. You might think I am/was a pussy for putting up with it, but I loved her, so there you are. I realised it was all wrong when she started forcing herself on me, which I found horrible and disturbing — how can you sleep at night when you don’t know if the person next to you will smile or snarl at you, from one minute to the next?

Anyhow, it all ended when she got engaged to someone else, behind my back. I’d had no idea.

That was enough to send me into freefall for a long time (best part of a year), and at one stage I wanted to be mad so I could be locked away and given drugs all day to forget about it all. I tried twice to kill myself but chickened out.

However, I somehow managed to pull myself out of it, and am now what passes for an even keel. I’ve dated since, but I’ve never mananged to escape Her shadow. When I’m alone in the dark I can still hear her mocking laughter, and feel that one day it’ll all get too much. Everyone else seems to be able to put up with rejection but with me each time it seems to get worse and worse. Even now, although I have a good job, and appear to be well-adjusted, inside me I’m crying all the time, and all I can remember is Her constantly outsmarting me and laughing at me. Even though she’s far away now, it’s as if I’m haunted, and when I’m really down I’m scared it’ll all get too much.

I honestly feel I’m the only one to feel like this but instinct says otherwise. I wish I was right.


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