Personal Story

Copyright David

I read Rachel’s story and felt quite sick. Thought I’d offer my personal story. Still feel sick.

I was thirteen or fourteen when I first cut (twenty-nine now). When I hit puberty it became glaringly obvious I was deeply unattractive to the opposite sex. Sticky out ears, very small and then tremendous acne. I started to cut with razors and it made me feel quite omnipotent. Like an audience was watching me going ‘yeah, this is the pain you make me feel’. I showed a friend what I’d done and he was just shocked to silence, no one knew I self harmed for years later. Got my ears pinned but the profile of my face was a mess but I wasn’t aware of it until about sixteen. At eighteen I was pointed out randomly at nightclubs for looking ridiculous, the rest of me looked perfectly normal, just the profile got me ‘he doesn’t look human’ and the last straw was a college lecture where some guy clearly pointed me out and all I heard announced to the entire hall was ‘God, He looks like a fucking monkey!’.

I decided either I’d kill myself or rectify surgically. I rectified surgically and it’s a bit of a hit to have a psychologist look at a profile of you and to ask ‘were you born like this or were you in an accident?’ I got engaged to a woman I met from a self harm board, it ended really ugly, but she did make me see it didn’t matter what I look like, I was a beautiful person. Got myself into casualty a couple of times through maiming self oblivion. The total oxymoron is I’m actually good looking now apparently. Had lasses whistle at me and although I can see I look good in the mirror I just feel desperately ugly. Thank you to anyone who read this. Never been able to say how ugly I feel. Just thanks for letting me get that out. Really helps.


Copyright David

I have been cutting for three and a half years and I am fifteen. My parents didn’t even know about it until about nine or ten months ago. The actual first time I did it was in 5th grade but it was a one time thing and I didn’t do it again until 7th grade. When I was younger (seven to twelve) my step grandfather molested me. He threatened to kill me if I told anyone and him and my grandma had recently adopted a little girl and I didn’t want to make her life bad like mine. Eventually, I told and it stopped. He’s getting out in a month or two so maybe he will end this for me. I go through a lot of stages in my cutting. I’ve burned with lighters, chemicals, stoves, safety pins, light bulbs, I’ve cut with safety pins plastic razors, knifes, glass, a peice of metal in a mental hospital bathroom from the shower. Starting in November I got signed into Havenwyck by my mom for two weeks. Since then I’ve been inpatient there five times, day hospital four times, and I was at Hawthorne Center for six weeks. I have had one suicide attempt, I overdosed on geodon, lexapro, seroquel, keppra, depakote, codiene, and strattera. It’s funny, the medicine made to help me. Now I’ve started instead of cutting just normal straight down cuts, I cut squares and then cut out chunks of my skin. I went for four days without doing it and besides that for the past three and a half weeks I do it pretty much every hour. I don’t want to stop. Most of the time it’s not even coping anymore, it’s just to cause pain on myself. I don’t know I use the drugs for coping now. My plan is to try and stay alive till I’m sixteen or seventeen, because then I will be trusted enough to get the things that will make it the way I want it. I also have extensive substance abuse problems. I’ve done coke, I’ve snorted heroin, xtc, codeine, vicatin, alcohol, ambian, geodon, valium, and various inhalants, and pot. The teacher at adolescent day treatment where I’m currently attending school is making me get off.


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