Deep in the Hole

Copyright, Dizzy

I used to be a normal person, or what some might call happy. I had quite a fruitful life, until I experienced a thing called love. Even then I wouldn’t really call it love… but when it ended it left me scarred. I felt distraught and blamed myself for what happened. It was something I eventually got over when I fell in love with someone else close to me only to lose them which was again my own fault.

It’s because of things like these I lack so much confidence with every little thing that happens around me, I’m almost always miserable and quite a few people have called me a pesimist, but I live with it. I deprive myself of confidence every single day, I can’t walk past a girl without lowering my head in shame out of the way I look, I can’t help but curse couples I see as they have something that I will never have. Will I ever find love, no, because I guess I’m unlucky. I often ask myself if I’ll be forever in this loop of misery, am I doomed to remian like this forever because I’ve dug myself in too deep to be able to get out?

My family tell me to change the way I think, “think positive” they say, as if it were as easy as flicking a light switch. They think it’s easy to climb out of a hole so deep by yourself and as much as I would like to be happy I know that shall never experience it again. I have thought about giving up on life and perhaps taking the easy way out rather than live like this until the day I die.

Will I ever be me again, is this who I am now, a cold, depressed, bitter, shy, anti-social person who just lurks in the shadows watching others as his life withers away. I can’t stop being sad, I can’t stop crying, I hate being lonely and most of all I hate being weak-willed.


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