A Broken Little Girl

Copyright Dev

I write this story for others to see that everyone can change. I’ll start from the beginning.

I used to wake up every day wondering if I could ever fit in. If anyone cared about me. I went through friend after friend, and yet I lived in a small town. I usually had three friends a year. They all became my best friends and they all became my worst enemies. I’m one of the only people in my town that can honestly say that I have been friends with almost every single girl in my town and the town right next to me. I could never understand why my friends would always hurt me, but every year I went to my house and cried because I had lost another one. I blamed myself compeletly. Then in seventh grade I did something that would change my life forever. There was a best friend I had had that lived down the street from me. We had dated once (it was a guy) and for some reason one day I wanted to play a trick on him. So I told him I was going to kill my self with his friend’s BB gun. When he came out of the house we all laughed at the hilarious joke and then we all went our seperate ways. The problem though, was that my joke stuck with me. I thought about it all the time. At that time I felt more alone than ever and I wanted to do something about it. So one day when my ex hurt my feelings really bad I decided to kill myself, but not as a joke. I spent the rest of the day trying to find ways to cut my wrists as my ex ran around with me trying to stop me. I realise now that it was a cry for help and when I saw that I was cared about the thought of killing myself had stopped. The thing that didn’t stop though, was the feeling I had gotten when I saw the blood on my wrist. It had only been a drop but that feeling haunted my dreams.

Then in 8th grade I met my best friend. We are still friends, and we have gone through a lot together. When I first met her though she cut and she burned. I had never heard of this before, but I knew that I had just met someone that knew the feeling I had felt when I had seen that blood on my wrist. Soon I found myself cutting. The feeling was great. It saved me so many times from my feelings. Though I never had deep cuts and I only have a few scars from some of them, I never needed more. I just needed that little drop. Soon that little drop became more though. Until the scars I do have became huge. I never told anyone besides my best friend. We knew each others feelings better then anyone else, and leaned on each other all time.

After realizing I had a problem because I needed more and more I decided I would get help. Surprisingly that was a fight with my mom even though she knew I cut. I fought hard for it though because I didn’t want cutting to rule my life. Soon after I finally started getting help I stopped cutting. One reason was because of my boyfriend and another was that I wanted to show myself that I didn’t need it. I stopped for a year until I started feeling really lonely again. Just a couple weeks ago I made another scar. This scar was different from all the rest though. When I cut this last time I knew it would be my last. It didn’t give me the same reaction any more. It was the scariest feeling too because I felt as if I had just lost my best friend. Even though a part of me knew that this was a good thing, the lonely part of me became terrified. The child came out in me again and I cried again. I have now thrown away my friend, my knife, and though it is scary not having that to turn to I feel better because in my weak moments I can’t have that to turn to.

Anyone can quit. I did and though it is the scariest thing in the world the best way is to throw away the knife that you always use. I felt deceitful afterward but I had to remind myself why I was doing it. I felt lost too, and I still do because it was only a couple weeks ago, but now I am working on finding myself. I would never have been able to start that if I hadn’t thrown away my knife. I hope that anyone who reads my story can use it to there advantage and though it might not be as heartwrenching as some I have read I hope that it gives someone out there to beat the demons inside themselves.


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