Pandora Medea

Stupid Blades and Moments

Copyright, Pandora Medea

First off I’m writting this really fast so please excuse all grammar and spelling errors.

I’m writing this right now well I’m sitting here at my laptop cutting and drinking, and I’m writting this because I’m just so pissed, angry and sad right now that I have to do something. Anyway here is the deal: I have been cut free for about one year, I was so proud. There was a time I thought I would never stop cutting it seemed like a second nature thing. Then my life changed I meet this guy who is great, he understood cutting because of his brother, and he has been just great. We study the same things (in college) and he is super sweet ninety percent of the time. There is no abuse physical or mental, which I sometimes find hard to believe given my past relationships. And we are now engaged to get married September 3rd of this year.

But still sometimes I get, well, me-like, and little things bother me and get to me, like when we are going out to drink with friends and he sees this homeless guy and starts talking to him for like five minutes while I just stand there. And well this is going on I just keep getting angrier and angrier, because I have no one to talk to as we are on our way to my friends, and I’m cold and I just want to go. But, because of the manners installed in me by my parents I just can’t tell him let’s go I’m getting angry. So by the time the time he actually stops talking I’m pissed and sad and just not so well off. So I yell at him, and he is like what the fuck, I did not say you had to wait (but what the fuck else am I going to do, go stand and wait a block away?) And he is basicly like what did I do to piss you off so much, it does not make any sense. Eventually he apologizes but makes no promises to stop talking to random people for his own amusement and so I’m just super angry and go home (no fun night for me). So I go home angry and pissed and sad and just totally messed up. I’m angry with him for not promising to stop just leaving me there like I don’t exist sometimes, while he talks to some random homeless person, or teacher, or whoever. But I’m also angry with myself for being so sensitive and getting upset and angry so easy.

And then I get home and I just don’t know what else to do, he has never just let me go before usually he tries to make sure I’m OK first, but tonight he did not because his friend was right there and I was making up lies for why I was leaving (though they were very believeable ones I worked an awake overnight at work last night so I only slept for a few hours in the middle of they day today, so I’m pretty tired and messed up at this point so I just say I’m to tired).

The whole car ride home I keep thinking I don’t know what to do I’m angry at him I’m angry at me, I’m sad I’m pissed what the fuck should I do. Then it comes to me all my blades everything I still have it and it will make me feel so much better and make him feel really bad when he sees it (yes very messed up I know, but I think this and I think some of you out there think it too when you are or are about to cut). So I get him and for the first time in about a year I cut, because it has just gotten to me, and I don’t want to stop myself, I’m too tired too upset too sad to want to wait for the pain to leave, I just want it gone, and that is what the blade is best at doing.

The only problem is I forgot just how hard the blade is to put down, you don’t make just one little cut, you make tons of them, and you want to make tons more. And now here I am cut and scratched up typing like mad wanting to get all of this out. And now I’m thinking he will come home tonight and I will have to explain all of this, something he thought was long gone is right here right now bloody and pink. (I guess for non-cutters it is hard to understand that you are never really free of the blade you might leave it for a long time even forever, but there will always be those moments where it is a battle of sheer will that keeps you from picking it up again.) The blade in the end is the best outlet any cutter will know, tears are great, talking is good, but the blade can do so much more so much faster, and no one else needs to be there to help or comfort you just you and your blade and you are good to go.

So I just wanted to write this, as I sit here tired and sad, amazed in a way that I have cut again after so long away from the blade, though I knew I was never far from it, because I never threw out my crap I was to scared to leave myself with nothing. If a moment like this came around again.

So, yeah, advice to people if you have stopped try with all your might to throw out all of your crap that you use for cutting, because when the urge becomes too strong it will be nice to not have anything convenient to help you, and it might not be worth it to you to go out and buy something.

As for those of you who have not stopped I wish you luck. (I know I’m lucky by tomorrow this whole thing will be gone, my messed up emotions will have subsided a great deal, and the tiredness from the overnight will be gone. Then I just have to wait for the scars to fade, which is something I’m quite used to.) But don’t give up the battle and I hope that all of you who want to stop, will be lucky enough to find someone who will give you a reason and the strength to do so, and who will not look at your body of scars and be repulsed, but will tell you are beautiful and not see your scars but you.

As for those just reading this I hope you learned something.

One thing I know for sure everyone has their own minor mental problems. And I feel that some of us who are cutters can really suffer from this because nothing super extra horrible happened to us during our life to turn us to cutting, but we did none the less. And throughout our lives we have to battle being overly emotional, super sensitive to (comments and criticism) and a generaly depressed and lonely outlook on life even if we do find our soulmate. So for those of us in that boat I wish us strength to overcome the little things like being ingnored for a few minutes, or having your boss tell you that you need to work a little harder, without suffering emotional overload.

Take Care all.


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