Copyright, Ponyboy

I have been self-mutilating for years. Maybe something like 3 years… Since I was 17 years old I guess. It started in spring. I had been depressed for months. It was just unbearable going to school, concentrating, meeting people and feeling completely horrible at the same time. I had just few friends and I was alone most of the time. Then one day I walked home and just cut my left arm about 20 times. After that I have been doing it, not regularly but still too often. At first the cuts weren’t deep at all and barely left scars but as time passed by I had to cut deeper and deeper. And it was becoming so much easier. I’m so ashamed of my “little habit”. I could never ever tell anyone though I’m pretty sure that some people notice the most visible scars on my arms. I promise myself to never do it again but then again I find myself alone with my knife. I love cutting but I hate myself even more after I realize that I’ve done it again. I have to wear long sleeved shirts when ever I’ve been cutting again. I’m now 19 years old (I’ll turn 20 this year) and I’m still doing it. Actually I have several cuts on my arms right at the moment. They are still fresh enough to be visible and they will leave visible scars since they are so deep. I’ve realized that I’ve stopped experiencing pain like others. One time I cut my leg (my first time slashing my leg) and I just slashed really quick like in a fury. It didnīt hurt at all and I got extremely scared as I noticed that the cut was very deep. I had never cut that deep. It left a really nasty, red scar. Thank god I can hide it with my sock. This is the first time I’ve ever “told” anyone about my problem. I guess I’m kind of denying this all. I don’t know if there’s a way out.


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