Copyright, Pel

I’m 16 and have been cutting myself and pulling out my hair for over 6 years along with attempts to kill myself and things related to asphyxiation.

I can’t remember why it started it was a way of coping with all the death and pain around and within me it made me feel something other than the numbness, and while I have managed to stop cutting as much for a while I still continue to pull out my hair. It just lets me know that I can feel and takes away all the pain even though I can’t cry or mourn for those around me now deep in the earth or scattered into the wind or even for the way I’ve been violated and wronged. I sometimes feel like if I was cut in half you would be met by a swarming mass of ebony flies all trying to escape, heaving with my heartbeat swelling and twirling with every breath consuming everything in their sight. A plague of destruction. Only the destruction is to my soul, hidden from the rest of the world, a secret in the depths of my mind. Only it’s not just confined to inside me.

I’m glad I can read other’s stories here it makes me feel less alone and reinforces the knowledge that there are others out there and that it is sometimes possible to control it and even stop, if that’s the right thing to say, I’m quite useless with words so I never know.

I didn’t know anyone around me who also did this bt I recently found out a friend of mine has started cutting, I think she just can’t cope with everything at the moment and in the same way it makes her feel alive and takes away all the pain and unease. And as much as I want to help her I also understand why.

I’m rambling so should stop I’m not even sure why I’m writing, oh well.


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