Copyright, Taylan

My name is Taylan. I am a pseudomasochist. I have been cutting since the very young age of seven. It has taken me incredibly long to come to grips with this tragedy I have caused in myself. Every second seems to bring more pain. I can’t stop the flow of blood without the sick and twisted pleasure I recieve. I have been rid of this curse for three months and I am very happy, except, now I don’t know what to do with the pain.

It does not always come in the form of cutting, that would be too simple, there is suffocation, smashing body parts with foreign objects. Why do I do this? I shall explain, when I was five I was sexually molested and quite nearly raped by two male babysitters of the ages sixteen and fifteen. One of them (who actually raped her) had already done it to his sister. After that incident it went on to happen many more times due to another male who at that time lived across the street from me. The last two were caused by female offenders. I was by then at the age of nine. One of these offenders was my cousin.

Many of my friends (who I love dearly and would fall into the depths without) have tried to understand this behaviour. My truth for them is this: ‘You cannot and will never understand’. the pain of an individual such as myself is too deep and personal to be understood with explanation. Now you know this pseudo’s story.

That wasn’t so hard was it?


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