Copyright, Tracy

Okay, I’m 15 years old and I will be 16 on May 23 of this year. I have been cutting for quite some time now (like 6 years). Most people think I’m crazy and stuff like that, but they don’t know what it is like being me. All this started when I was young, real young. My familymembers on my mother’s side used to lock me in the attic with my little brother and leave us there for anywhere from 4 to 6 hours. Then I went to live with my father who was doing drugs and could be abusive at times. I was about six when I first moved in and then he married a lady with two older children who bossed my brother and I around… a lot. If our step mother said I did something my dad would hit me. Never my brother, and by this time my mom had had my half sister Bobbie-Jo, who had heart problems and was on a heart thingy. My dad got divorced and then found a new girlfriend who is almost married. I hated both my x-step mom and my dads new girlfriend but he didn’t listen. So, I asked my mother when I was 10 if I could move back in, she had said no and told me that she wished I was never born and wasn’t her child, she was being abused by her new boyfriend, who was married and had two other kids. And I stopped talking to my mom at that point. My dad on the other hand got worse and he would yell at me all the time for nothing, but then we moved in with his mom and dad (our grandparents). His new girlfriend and him broke up and I’m like 12 now and he’s never really home, I’m locked in my room cutting because it feels good and because it helps me with my stress and it was a way for my to cry because I hate crying because your eyes get all red and puffy and people can tell but with cutting all you have to do is wear a long sleeved shirt. Anyway, right before my 14th birthday my dad stops doing drugs and gets a new girlfriend named Carla, who I hate because she took the attention my dad did give me away. So, I cut more, and more, and more. Someone in school saw one day and told on me. So, they put me in the hospital and he let Carla come to the parent doctor meeting thingy. I blew up and ran out and slammed into a wall and just cried. Cried my eyes out and they put me in the “quiet room” where I just sat in a ball and looked at the wall. After that I had had it, I stopped caring. My dad told them he wasn’t taking me home and to keep me there for a week or two more. I hated him for it. When I came out around Thanksgiving he asked Carla to marry him without telling me and I went into a down state again and went back to the hospital until right before Christmas. Carla’s ex-husband came back from Africa and said he wanted to “work things out” so, she cheated on my dad and left him and he cried to me asking me what to do. I lied and told him what he wanted to hear because it pained me to see him hurt so. After everything he had done to me I just couldn’t hurt him. Now, while he was crying I was up in my room cutting and no one noticed. I could wear tank tops and no one looked twice. He said he couldn’t handle me and I went into the hospital again. Came out got into drugs after my 15th birthday I was always sick, OD’ing on pills and anything I could find. Was put into the hospital for 2 months. Then my mother came back and took me. When I got there all her side of the family did was call me fat, a whore, slut, bitch, anything you can think of. That’s what they called me… So, I cut more. My mother would beat the crap out of me when I did and I’d just sit in my room and my mom didn’t really care. My dad gave me up and then the weekend before Christmas my dad and Carla get married and don’t invite me and my dad called that sunday and I wasn’t home I was out walking around. And I called him back and we were having a ‘normal’ conversation when in the middle of it he goes “Oh, by-the-way, Carla and I got married this morning” and here I am thinking and you don’t invite me? Yet her son, my brother and some of your friends are there but you can’t invite your only daughter? Then he had the nerve to ask if I was okay with it, well, gee dad it really dosen’t matter what I think, you are already married. She told him to kick me out so I didn’t have to live with her and she is a cop and scared of something I might say! Then, my mom kicked me out not to long ago. So I moved in with my grandparents and they go through all my stuff, yell at me every day, the last few guys I have gone out with have hit me… I went out to dinner with just my dad and I wore short sleeves and I’m really pale person and the red slashes, you could see from a mile away. He didn’t say anything. All both of my parents have told me I’m a slut and a bitch and they both have said they wish I were not in the family. And everyone wonders why I wanna die? I mean come on here. My dad favors my brother, my mom favors my half sister and I have no one. Not really. I’m just here. Taking up space and for what? Anyway, I cut more than ever now and I can’t stop because it’s my form of release, ya know? Well, that’s me… and there really isn’t anything else to it you see.


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