Psyke.org

Kimberlee

This is Me

Copyright, Kimberlee

I have been in and out of this site for a while and thought about putting my feelings down but I didn’t want to. Tonight I really looked and saw some of the pictures and I don’t know what triggered this but here I am… This is me.

I was a fairly ‘normal’ child growing up… Like we know what the word normal means. Something changed in me when I moved to New York with my dad. I was in a new school and away from everyone I knew. When I was fifteen I lost my best friend, that was my grandfather. Something snapped in me and a few months later I began cutting.

For me, it was the pain leaving my body. It was a way to cover the things I didn’t want to deal with. All through high school I cut, nothing major but you could see some scars. Friends asked me but I just brushed it off. When I graduated I stopped for a while…

Then I met the man of my dreams, or so I thought. I stopped cutting for about a year but then he changed. As he became more angry and became physical with me, I snapped and cut. He knew but didn’t want to tell anyone. I think he was ashamed that he had to deal with it…

Almost three years ago is when I put myself in the hospital. That was a low moment. Nothing hurt more than seeing my parents cry and my dad asking where he had failed. The padded room probably didn’t help too much. I didn’t know those existed until this happened. I am sorry I cut but I am not sorry for the lessons it taught me…

I guess you would think an event like that would make you stop but it didn’t. Secretly I was still cutting but just being more careful of where I cut… I stopped going out with guys because I didn’t want them to know…

I guess it has all come to a head. I was sexually assaulted a few months ago and while the first urge was to cut, I didn’t do it. I don’t know why but I still have the itch to do it but I haven’t acted on it. I know this is a demon I will always fight and I don’t know that I will always be successful but I know I am trying and I consider myself fortunate to still be here…

And I consider myself lucky to have wonderful parents who are trying so hard to deal with what I have done in the past and they are trying to believe me when I say I won’t do it again. I also have some wonderful people in my life, I think the most important right now is Greg. We have become very close and I know he doesn’t understand because we had two completely different lives, he is trying to learn and to see what it may be like. He hates knowing that I have cut, and that I have destroyed my body the way I have and he tells me if I do it again it will be the last mistake I make… But he knows that I may not be able to keep this promise. It is like an alcoholic who needs that drink… I am afraid that the time will come when I will need to cut… And this scares me.

I like to think I am recovering but there are those days when I know cutting would feel so good… And I know I still have a long road ahead of me…

 

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