My Personal Story

Copyright, Billikay

I am a 14 year old female. I started cutting about two years ago, but I was self-harming way before that. I have been suicidal since I was six, I am now fourteen. My dad would beat everyone in the house except me and my mom. I have two sisters and a brother, all of them only half related. My favourite sister moved out and went to live with her mom so I started to get really depressed and I would bang my head against the door handle and make myself pass out from pain. I would also take my dad’s hammer and bang my hands with it so they would swell and bruise. Then my grandpa died. I loved my grandpa a lot. Then my family moved six freaking states away from all things that mattered. My other sister stayed in that state with my other sister. I was left sister-less. Well, when I moved out here it was hard to make friends because of my name. I finally made a great friend. Then two years later she moved. I was friendless and sister-less. I was all alone. My brother moved out to live with a friend. I was all alone and I started hitting myself with the hammer more and more, all the time. Then I moved on to scratching my skin with needles and all along I never knew why I did or that what I did was a disorder. Then the few little friends I had made had to go to a new school because we were moving up to intermediate school. So I had to make new friends. I started playing basketball. I hated everyone on my team because they all seemed so perfect. Then I met my best friend Brittany, and to this day we are still friends. We do everything together and then my sister got pregnant and she moved out here to get financial support from my family and I hated it. Nobody even acknowledged me outside of my three friends I now had. That was when I started cutting myself, in the 6th grade. I am now in 8th grade and my parents just found out recently that I had been cutting myself and got me a professional shrink and since then my friend Brittany now has one too, thanks to my help. But I still cut. I have no room on either arm to cut anymore. I have moved to my legs and my shrink says I have OCD cutting because they are almost all going the same way and are the same length. The cuts have been getting worse. I have started a new nervous act. I scratch away the skin on the top of my arm with my fingernail. I don’t notice I cut or scratch or burn (I burn my legs often) or pick. I have many problems and I can’t stop no matter how much I want to. It is too hard for me, and I get angry at my self for still cutting when Brittany has been cut free for two weeks and I am still cutting more than twenty-five times a day. I cut at school and at home. I think about cutting myself so often that I am failing school. I am not a self-injurer, I am an addict. I am addicted to cutting, burning, scratching, picking, and not letting them heal. Since I have started cutting I have had sex more than once. I have smoked almost everything imaginable and I have done other things too. I’m not a self-injurer I am an addict. I love to cut and I don’t plan on stopping. I wish I had a happy ending to my story but unlike all you others, I can’t stop.


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