The First Day of my Life

Copyright, Naomi

I started sh’ing when I was fifteen, well I think I was fifteen anyways. Don’t remmebr much about my life from thirteen through till seventeen.

I never had a reason to feel the way I did. Good family, both parents (they fought a lot but hey, whose parents don’t?), never abused, well not to my knowledge anyway.

I was always bullied from kindergarten up, and in year 7 or high school it got worse. I just remember crying every night and being unable to stop it. One night I was crying on my floor and I came across a pair of scissors on my floor. I’d never heard of self harm or anything but it just made perfect sense for me to scratch my arm. After it I was revolted by what I’d done and swore never to do it again. And I didn’t for a few months anyway, then I started using razor blades. A whole new ball game, blood for one. I used to only cut when I was upset, now I do it just about every night. I’ve tried to stop several times and failed.

I wear short sleeve shirts, and my family don’t notice or ignore my scars. I think they’re very vissible but maybe I just know what I’m looking at.

The thing with me was I never felt good enough. I was always angry, shouting and picking fights at home. School was worse, I hate school. When I think about it maybe I got my taste for self harm by having a girl shove a pen into my arm. I’ve still got that scar plus many more. Self harming for me is now more than an anger relese which is what it started out to be. It’s a way to pass time, a way to prove that I’m alive, a way to prove that I’m strong and a way to put myself to sleep at night. It’s my life and I hate it, to love something but hate it with an absolute passion is odd, hard and struggling, I fight each day but in the end nothing ever really matters except my blade.

I’ve been called a freak and fucking messed up because of scars on my lower arms but these people don’t understand and never will, how can they?

Well it’s long I know not much in it though, you can contact me via e-mail, or I dunno, I have a live journal I’m tainted_angel87.


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