Just Don’t Know Anymore

Copyright, Nina

If you have a feeling that’s so strong, but you don’t know what it is, what are you supposed to do? The only thing I know to do is react, but I dunno, I guess I react badly. But if what I do helps me feel less shitty, can it be all that bad? Honestly, can it? I mean if it feels so right how can it be wrong? So OK, I cut myself, I use either a knife, blade or glass. Is it really all that bad? There’s something about running the cold sharp edge through my skin till I bleed that makes all the bad stuff inside my head go away. For that split second, minute, hour, however long I’m in my daze, for that time I feel free. In control. I’m making it happen, no one else. I know we’d all like to blame someone else, but we can’t, not when it comes to our innermost feelings. We make the decisions. I control my blood. I decide how much I let out, how deep I go. I don’t want to die because of the cutting, I just don’t want to hurt. I don’t see “self harm” as hurting myself, I see it as letting the pain out, letting everything go. It’s just that I let it out to myself, no one else. Is that so wrong? I just don’t know what else.


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