What it is Like to SI

Copyright, NeverSeenSunshine

First, I’d like to say a few words about myself. I’m a fourteen-year-old girl and I have SI’ed for God knows how long. (Time doesn’t seem to matter anymore.) I’m bipolar and I like to bully others. I SI only with razorblade cuts, but when I’m angry I also start to beat my hands against the wall. (That actually hurts like hell later.)

The feeling that I experience when cutting is almost indescribable. That feeling is honestly near to an orgasm. It flies you to sky. The razorblade inside my skin tickles, it doesn’t hurt. It goes so smoothly through my skin. Every time I wish I could push the blade even deeper. I’d like to slice the bone. Don’t get me wrong, I’m not suicidal. This feeling is just so dangerously addicting. You won’t know, once you’re hooked.

Why addicting? I don’t know. Maybe because the feeling makes you awake? I seem to wake up from this blurry soft dream into reality. It takes all pain, leaving me satisfaction. The blood bursts out, and then I know I’m real. Not a doll, who moves stiff. Then I’m a living being — with blood in veins.

Yes, that is what I feel. Personally, I think I’m losing my mind. I’ve never heard weirder descriptions of SI than mine. Would like to hear if there’s someone out there who can relate. (Really,I would.) My e-mail address is For the ending I’d like to give one quote what I read from somewhere. Sorry, I can’t recall who said it, but it was about SI. Here it is:

“We are real, not fake. And we go to extremes to feel real.”


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