Katie C

Too Long

Copyright, Katie C

It all started when I was five, I’m sixteen years old now. At five my uncle died. The only one I connected with in my family. People say that at five you don’t know what’s going on. Well they are dead wrong. I had it all planned out, I was going to over-dose. I did too. If it wasn’t for my mom finding the empty medication containers I would be dead already and I wouldn’t have had to live through this life. Since then I have attempted suicide twelve times. It’s not the kind of attempts that was me stopping myself, these were the kind I had to be brought back to life or for some reason it failed. I started cutting at eight. Little slices here and there. At first I didn’t know why I was doing what I was doing. I just knew I was doing it. By the age of nine or ten I had really started to mess my life up, turning to drugs and alcohol. I stopped caring about myself. I hated myself so I started cutting more. I started to carve words into my arms and legs. Trying to get out how I felt. There really was no use for that since no one ever saw my arms and legs. They were always covered. I ended up in the psych ward a couple of times but it never helped. It was just like my treatment. I would be the person they wanted me to be, it wasn’t me. At the age of fifteen I realized why I cut. I don’t do it for attention, to show people that I’m troubled or hurt. I have grown so used to physical pain, with my dad beating me and the sports I was pushed to do, that it doesn’t faze me. I can’t handle mental or emotional pain so I turn it into something I can handle which is physical pain. I saw the blood flowing out of my body as the pain that I felt inside being released. I’ve been cutting for eight years. Half of my life. It’s a hard addiction to get rid of. That is how I’ve learned to deal with my mental and emotional pain. I don’t know any other way to deal with it. It’s bad. I look at my body and see eight years of hate and pain. I regret the words imprinted into my skin. I wish I could take those years back. I wish I could.


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