Keota Deon Picou

How I Became a Cutter

Copyright, Keota Deon Picou

Well it’s a retarded story. I never grew up with my parents. I was raised by my grandparents who really didn’t want me there. I was raped when I was six by a boy who was twelve. I never told a soul. Then I was raped again when I was fifteen by a girl who had a crush on me, I told her I’m a girl into boys, she didn’t accept that so she raped me with a stick. I was raped again when I was seventeen. By this time I became popular. I was a cheerleader and every guy wanted me and every girl wanted me also. But no one knew my name - seriously, I didn’t talk to anyone. But I was popular — crazy, huh? But I never told anyone how I felt about life or anything but I came off like a very open person. No one really knew me. Not even my family.

I started cutting when I was sixteen and I was put in a mental hospital at eighteen, that was earlier in 2004, on new years day. I want to be an actress so I used my acting skills to pretend I was OK. The hospital released me the next day. By that time my boyfriend and I had been dating for two months and he noticed my scars one day when we had sex. I didn’t have to tell him what happened, he knew when he looked into my eyes. It was so scary because I was never close to anyone but my pet cat. He told me to stop, and I stopped — I just stopped cutting…

Just like that. And I don’t know why I stopped so sudden, I realized we are in a trance or hypnosis when we cut ourselves. Most therapists think we cut because we want attention. I say they are wrong. Because most cutters try to hide it. We show our emotions and pain through cutting. But I think we are the only ones who know what it’s really like. I used to cut because I never cried, really, I haven’t cried since I was six and my family didn’t even notice. Cutting was my way of crying. Or my way to keep myself from crying. I became addicted to cutting. I found it fascinating how sometimes I felt every pinch of the blade slashing through my skin and sometimes I couldn’t feel a thing. Another thing that was bothering was my visions — I’m psychic. Everyone is psychic but only a few know this about themselves. My abilities were becoming stronger at the time, and I couldnt deal with it. Because everyone has different powers.

My powers include: Intuition — I know when something is about to happen just by my strong intuition, I see people’s death before they die, I can sense exactly how you feel, and sometimes what youre gonna say before you say it. For some reason all of this was scaring me. I didn’t know what to do. I thought cutting was an option.

But I’ll tell you what: I’m fucking glad I stopped, because my life is much better now.

For those who still cut — you can stop. It’s just, you have to wake up, it’s not easy but if you really wanna stop, wake the fuck up!


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