My First Cut

Copyright, Ksenon

I was in year 10 at my local high school here in Australia. I had been expelled from my other christian school a few months before. I was constantly getting in trouble, I always questioned the Religious Teacher, I could not comprehend the biblical teachings. I made her cry one day, and she left the room. I felt bad for that but I still did not understand God or Religous education to adolecents.

My next school felt so empty and alone, I had made some friends but it was like starting all over again. I felt so much nothingness, after being expelled I couldn’t do anything right, I was always doing something wrong.

In art class, I was looking at my pencil sharpener, it had a blade on it, which I unscrewed and used to cut two fairly deep cuts on my arm, I felt no pain.

I let it drip all over the floor until there was a big puddle of blood on the floor. I don’t know why I did it, the teacher sent me to the pricipals office, and he asked me why I did it, everything I said about it was relating to God and religous reasons, I don’t know why I did it to be honest, I may have been seeking attention but I believe it is deeper than that I have no respect for my life nowadays as well, I think about God, death, dying etc. all those things all the time. I don’t cut myself anymore but I still injure myself and my heatlh in many other ways, I have multiple drug addictions, I have no job, I have a tremendous sense of loss in my life, after losing my dad and my girlfriend around the same time.

I just dont care if I die or not. I don’t feel like contributing to society, I’m sorry for that because I know I could contribute something to someone, but I just need infinite peace within death.


Permanent location: