Lauren Danielle

A Poetic Bleeding

Copyright Lauren Danielle

How do you begin explaining why you purposely torture your body? I can’t tell you exactly why I do it. When I was eight years old, my mom’s fiance would come into my room at night. He taught me how to be a lady. At least, that is what he told me it was. He gave me my first beer. He gave me a razor blade and showed me that if I cut into my wrist I could forget about all the problems in the world. No, I did not start cutting that young, but I did experiment with it. When I was nine years old, my mom moved us to a whole different state, and we never saw him again. Then when I was twelve years old, my mom moved us again. She had gotten married to a complete stranger she met on the internet. My step-dad yells a lot. He throws things when he gets mad. He walks out the door and says that he is never coming back, but unfortunately he always does. He lies to my mom and cheats on her. I started cutting on a regular basis at the age of thirteen. My mom told me we might have to move again. At first, I just scratched my arms with my fingernails. When that didn’t affect me anymore, I started to use erasers to break skin. Eventually I moved on to razor blades and safety pins. My mom only knows about one time. I cut my wrist with a triple blade razor sideways and accidentally squealed. She had no idea that I have done anything else. My dad doesn’t know about any of it. I have tried to commit suicide three times. I have started drinking, smoking, coke, pot, meth, and huffing paint. I am now suffering from anorexia. I cut my arms, thighs, and stomach. Even though I am a virgin, I have been touched by another man against my will. Even if I wanted to save myself for my husband, I can’t. I have already been touched. The only thing that keeps me from cutting constantly and killing myself is poetry. I started writing two years ago. I am moving again though, and I don’t know how I will survive this. No guy will ever love me. I will never be good enough. I can’t even have kids. I have a cyst on my ovaries causing me to be sterile. I need help, but have no way of getting it.

This is my last resort.

Cutting Deeper

Copyright Lauren Danielle

when you do this
you hurt me
turn me cold
please dont do it again
just help me
i need
to be happy
my arm twitches
it aches
wanting more of this pain
i grab the needle
safety pin
straight pin
razor blade
take your pick
i drag it deeply
through the skin
cutting deeper
red gushing
or dripping
or seeping
through my pores
that have been sliced
the burn
now the pain
now the tears
rushing all
i let go
darkness falls
into my eyes
closing out
waking up
lost my memory
forget the facts
run away
see the scars
the white and red
tissue of hurt
touch it
feel my pain
you think im crazy
you run
away from the scars
that you brought
so stop
im cutting deep
and letting go
of you
and this pain
of cutting


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