My So-Called Life

Copyright, Lilith

I know most peiple on this site have suffered abuse, torment or any number of problems. But the weird thing about me is, my life’s pretty okay. My home life is great, I’m really close to my parents and I’ve got some close friends at school. So why do I cut?

If someone read the shortened version of my life, they’d say I started cutting when I was twelve. That year of my life I had no friends at all, I was feeling incredibly lonely, and basically the year was so bad I blocked it out of my head. I can hardly remember it.

But that wasn’t the time I started self-injuring. I first started when I was foruteen, after the summer I had my first kiss. After that wonderful summer, going back to school was like a slap in the face. I was alone again, the loser, the freak with no friends.

After an awful lesson one day being teased by all the popular guys, I ran to the bathroom and dug my nails into my arm. I was so upset I didn’t even notice what I was doing until I stopped. I had scraped off the top layer of skin and the marks didn’t fade for nearly two days. I realised I felt better, but I didn’t know exactly what I’d done.

The next time was in a sewing lesson. I was sitting by myself as always and I could tell the others were talking about me. When they started laughing I got so angry I jabbed the pin I was holding deep into my arm. Again I felt so much better, but was unsure why.

It wasn’t until I came across this website that I was certain what I was doing. I learnt about others and what they did, and I knew how to take it to the next level.

I used the blade out of my razor and made cuts along my arms and legs whenever I felt scared or angry, mostly at school.

Since then I’ve made friends, I have a much better life, but I cut even more, whenever I’m alone or depressed. It’s like an addiction, the cutting. I need it just to get through parts of the day.

I have the good parts of my life and the bad, and I always keep them separate. The cutting is my badness and no one will ever find out. But I need the badness, to keep myself sane for the happiness.


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