My Story

Copyright Leigh

Somehow along the way I lost myself, the first time I self harmed I was eleven, just a child, I don’t reember the reason behind it, just the relief that came setting in when saw the blood spotting on the fresh cut and that was it I seemed to lose everything in that one day. That day was unlike no other day yet something propelled me to make that cut and my addiction to start. I have been self harming on and off for nine years now, always at first with razor blades or knifes but now I have progressed onto burns and scratching deep gouches into my arms. I am in no way proud of my addiction and in the early days I would have described my scars and cuts as beautiful but now they’re just reminders of the bad days when the slightest little thing would set me off and I would cower in the bathroom with my razor crying for hours at a time. Over the years I have tried to confide in people about my SI problem,in particular my mother but was often faced with the same reaction or the same comments ‘don’t do that ever again’ was a favourite of my hers not understanding that I couldnt help it, that it was my way of coping, in the end she just resolved to be blissfully ignorant if she didnt acknowlege the fact that I was cutting myself then perhaps I wasn’t. It took me a long time to see the truth in SI and admit to myself that I had a problem and even to this day I still havent mastered my addicition or the fear that if I admit my addiction to anyone other than myself they’ll judge me and stop me working towards getting my degree in nursing so that I can help others. Everyday I sit in front of my mirror searching for the happy go lucky girl I once was, not recognising the person that stares back but I will continue to sit there everyday until I find that girl again, can finally put my demons to rest and live the life I deserve. I hope that in my story people are able to recognise that I have taken the first step to recovery, admitting you have a problem and I urge you to confide in someone you trust like a friend or a parent, not all parents will react like mine. I know that one day I will master my addiction and pray that you will to.


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