The Start

Copyright, Lida-Tuy

My name’s Lida-Tuy and right now I am 13, turning 14 in May. I started cutting when I was 12. One of my, dare I say, best friends, LisaWisa I guess, she gave me the idea. The only other time I heard about SI was on an episode of 7th Heaven. I always had all this anger and depression inside of me, but hid it, I hid it well. Acting popular, hyper, like a normal child, but when I couldn’t take it anymore, I snapped. I think it was December, 2002. I was so angry with my parents, mad at myself for not being good enough and I thought of Lisa. The first time I ever cut myself on purpose, I felt relieved. Like all my pain and suffering inside was going away, through the blood. But I found myself just sucking all the blood up and I developed a taste for it. When I cut myself, I wrote some words, vaguely, but still noticeable. I TRY, EVIL, SUICIDE. My mom started noticing I was wearing baggier clothes as well. She saw my cuts, but the first time let it slide. I did it a lot of times afterwards, in my room at night, right before I went to bed. But then after report cards came home in 2003, it got worse. I cut myself again after my parents finished yelling at me and decided to let me go to sleep. So many cuts I couldn’t count. Red, dripping, a burning but easing sensation. After I felt like I was done, I looked at my arm and I thought to myself, “My art.” The next day I went to school. I draw on my arms and hands a lot and a teacher asked everyone to show their arms. I refused. She kept me in and asked why. I told her I drew lines — with scissors and blades. She took me to a counsellor downstairs and then I went home. My dad is abusive sometimes, only towards me. When he found out I did it again, he freaked out. Let’s just say I was in too much pain and couldn’t take it. The police got involved, social workers, counsellors. Nosy people they are. I still haven’t gotten the help they told me I would get. I am a very angry person inside, I bottle everything up and explode when it’s just too much. One day all that anger will explode so violently, I can’t help but think I might commit suicide. I thank Lisa, sincerely I do, and she probably doesn’t even know it! She’s helped me to understand life more and how to conquer some of my worst fears, the real fears you should worry about. Yes, I am only 13 years old, but I have come a long way with many experiences. I can try to help myself, but it might be too late. Only time may tell.


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