Can’t Cry

Copyright, Lorraine

The first time I picked up the knife I can only describe as someone taking over from me to allow me to do what was needed. It was like I was the real me the person inside me took over and accomplished what was needed. The relief I felt was immense and I finally felt alive and part of the world.

I had felt like this for many months and it escalated when I moved into halls at university. I haven’t been able to cry for many months and the blood is my tear it is my freedom. The people were great and I loved them dearly but still I felt like I was trapped but once I started I knew how to be me again.

I stole the knife from my friend and hid it in my room to use when I felt I could no longer pretend and had to feel. I gradually began to deepen the cuts but my friends found out and wanted me to get help. I guess I did to but more for them than me.

When I did get help it was just tablets from the most ignorant and unhelpful doctor. My friends were great and really helped me through what at the time I thought I needed to do. They kept the knife, which took the temptation away.

Yet the hardest day of my life came when I told my parents. They were great but really shocked. I felt relieved and they constantly watched me but I didn’t mind I was home and happy! Although I did continue to SI it was only a little and finally stopped.

Now I’m back at university and have decided to come off the medication as I don’t want to depend on it as it makes me feel worse that when I was self-harming. I constantly find myself fantasizing about self-harm and suicide, in my dreams I am bleeding and free. I need to control my life and this is the way I have chosen to cope maybe I need help but as yet I haven’t found it.

I want to go back to self-harming but I need to find a way to hide it so to not hurt my family and friends. I know it may not make sense but it helps me to live my life and allows me to be free.

I wish I could talk to someone to a friend just to let them know how I feel and why I need to. I wish they could understand. I wish I wasn’t so messed up but this is how I am and I’ll do it on my own.


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