Lost Daisy

Copyright, Lost Daisy

I suppose my dad has a lot to do with harmony. Before I go any further I’ll explain ‘harmony’ is my word for self harming. Mainly as a code word for diaries and also because I am anorexic, and I call that ana, so I have my two friends, Harmony and Ana. Ok, well my dad left me when I was 2 and I saw him up until I was 7. Then he wrote me and my brother a letter, saying he didn’t want to see us. I felt like scum, but i was a ‘cheery’ little thing and my mum was glad it hadn’t affected me. Hmmm… My dad started seeing my brother when he turned 16, but still doesn’t want to see me. I haven’t seen him for 10 years now.

I first cut myself when I was so angry I just saw red. I usually would punch my pillow, or swear, or throw stuff, but this time, I was so angry (an arguement with my step-father) that I just took a razor blade, smashed off the safety catch and ran it over my arm. I was shocked that it didn’t hurt, and relieved that I had ‘controlled’ my anger. I felt so calm, it was unbelievable. I soon started cutting when ever I was upset, and I still do now, especially if I have eaten. A few people have noticed and I just say they are my new kitten, scratching me, I mostly wear long sleeves anyway. The last time I cut myself was last night, I was drunk and I got emotional and lashed out at myself. I have tried getting help, but I keep going back to it. I guess that is kinda my story, I dunno, somethings are just too complicated and involved to write about anyway…


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